Feelings are stupid.
December 26, 2012 8:46 PM Subscribe
How do you take care of a sick significant other without feeling resentful?
posted by kat518 to human relations (41 answers total) 9 users marked this as a favorite
My husband has been sick for more than a week with general cold symptoms - sore throat, cough, runny nose, congestion, headache, swollen glands, etc. We just got back from visiting my family for the holidays - left on Friday, came back today and he was pretty much sick in bed the whole time. In that time, we barely talked - he hasn't been up and about and most of the times I checked on him, he was sleeping.
I've gotten him a humidifier, neti pot, medicine, soup, juice, etc. I made him matzo ball soup. I offered to take him to the doctor and called around to find a place that was open where he could go. I eventually called my sister who is a doctor to ask what we should do and she gave us some great advice.
My problem, and I really feel badly about this, is that I feel resentful towards him for being sick. I know it's not his fault that he's sick and he's obviously less happy than I am about being sick. He keeps breaking my heart because he says things like, I'm trying so hard to get better and he's going to make me feel proud of him for getting better. I'm trying to do the right thing. But part of me just wants to be like, dude, just. stop. coughing.
I'm trying to put my finger on why I feel resentful. He didn't spend much time with my family. Being with my family around the holidays is kind of stressful and he hasn't really been there. I know that's not his fault but I'm just frustrated. I miss my best friend and I want him to get better.
I also feel like a jerk because I"m a little annoyed that he's been sick for over a week and I think that he should go to a doctor. I don't think one should have a cold for more than a week - if it lasts for more than a week, I think it's usually not a cold but something else and a doctor would help him figure that out. When I tried to get him to go to a doctor, he said that he didn't think the doctor would be able to do anything because it's just a virus. But dude, maybe he will and then you will get better faster - isn't that worth going to the doctor?
He's taken care of me before but I usually feel like we're a team and I haven't felt that way lately. I did the shopping for my family for Christmas, bought stocking stuffers, wrapped presents and made cookies, with very little help from him - not a big deal but I would have appreciated some help. I checked us in for our flights, which he usually does, I packed for us, found out what times we needed to be on the train to get to the airport, etc.
I feel sad because I have this weird feeling like I want him to "make it up to me" when I know that he doesn't have anything to make up to me! I just want him to get better! But that feeling is in the back of my head. Plus this weekend we're going to visit his family and if he spends the whole weekend in bed again, I kind of don't want to go. I love my in-laws but I need him there as a buffer, and not there up in his bedroom. I know I can't make him get better and he'll probably be better just because he wants to see his family but I think I will feel unhappy if he spends the whole weekend in bed again.
And dude, seriously, you shouldn't be so sick that you spend several days (all day Saturday, Sunday and Monday, most of the day Tuesday, about half of the day today because we were traveling) sick in bed. He has health insurance. I think the medicine he's taking (DayQuil and such) says that you shouldn't take it for more than a few days at a time without seeing a doctor. And he said he thought he accidentally took too much the other day and thought his heart was racing. He's also just drained from being sick - I'll ask him if he wants medicine or soup and over the last two days, he just shrugs.
This also makes me feel like I'm going to be a terrible parent in the future. If I can't take care of my husband, how am I ever going to take care of kids?
TL; DR - I feel like the worst person ever because I feel resentful towards my husband for being sick. Have any of you felt this way when caring for a sick loved one? How did you deal with it?