Why am I so hung up on this?!
December 22, 2012 9:20 AM Subscribe
I am heterosexual. During a party, I was asked by a roommate if I was gay. This is not the first time - I need help navigating my insecurity regarding my sexuality. Details inside.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (52 answers total) 7 users marked this as a favorite
A bit of backstory before I get to the question - sorry in advance for the length!
I am in my mid-20's, and am a guy. I had a sheltered upbringing, and as such I have always been a bit socially awkward.
I have never been attracted to men. I have never had even the slightest bit of interest in the same sex. All of of the porn I view is cleanly on the heterosexual side of things as well, so I know that I am not repressing myself sexually in any way shape or form.
When I was in middle and high school I had nowhere near the level of emotional maturity necessary to have a relationship, and also never went on dates - it was a lot of reading and playing video games with friends for me. I was also taking Zoloft since middle school, which is known to cause sexual side effects - this may have played a part in my disinterest in dating (although masturbation was frequent, so maybe not)
Some of my "friends", who I do not consider to be friends looking back, would often insinuate that I was into guys since I never talked about girls - I honestly just thought I didn't have a chance with the ladies, so I didn't really bother. This led to even lower self-confidence, which helped ensure my lack of a dating life.
I would like to believe that I have progressed significantly in terms of emotional and social development in the last five or so years. I got LASIK, lost the acne and upgraded my wardrobe, all of which really helped out my confidence. I went on dates (mostly arranged through the internet) and had a lot of success. I've had a few LTR's. Recently I've been pretty secure about myself.
At the party yesterday, though, a drunk female roommate asked if I was gay and said she had always thought so. Her reasoning was that I tend to use hand gestures that seem feminine/flamboyant. Also, I never bring girls back like the other guys do (I tend to be a bit secretive in terms of my personal life. Maybe this is a bad idea, I don't know).
I replied that I was not gay, and I think she could tell from my reaction that I was a bit shocked and hurt. I excused myself to go to bed, it was quite late so it didn't seem too out of the ordinary (around 1 AM). I honestly think she might not even remember this conversation, as she was quite drunk.
I spent the next hour or so before sleeping brooding, googling random phrases like "was asked by friend if gay". I honestly could not believe that had been so affected by her words, and was more upset at my sensitivity than her question. I feel like my masculinity was being called out, and every time I try to be "me" my sexuality is brought up. This also brought back a lot of bad memories of being teased in high school as well.
A lot of the forums I found through google gave nuggets of wisdom such as "yah, if he acted defensive or hurt he probly is gay u should ask again" and whatnot. Not too many that seemed to fit my situation or even sounded like good advice to begin with, so I decided to ask here.
It seems like every time I feel like I am becoming more confident in terms of my sexuality or in general, something like this happens. I truly resent that my self-esteem regarding my sexuality is like a tower of playing cards: With one careless remark, it can all come tumbling down so easily.
The ideal me, the me I want to become, is able to shrug or laugh off these comments. I am going on dates, I have a decent sex life, and I have no confusion regarding which gender I am inclined to pursue. Maybe if this had been the first time I was asked, I would be able to brush it off - but it is bringing back memories of the sexual frustration I experienced when I was a teen, and I hate that I am still so affected by those thoughts.
SO: If anyone has any words of wisdom on how to become more confident in my manhood, I would love to hear them. Also, I would like to know how to react better the next time something like this happens. I am thinking about what to do about the hand gestures as well, but I really don't want to change myself too much because of one drunk comment.
PS: I know that it is perfectly okay to be gay. I have gay friends/family and love them to death. So please don't think I am gay bashing in any way shape or form! I would just like to know how to be more comfortable in my own skin and not have a reaction like the one I had last night.