I think I am failing at my career. It feels like being in a slow-motion car wreck. What do I do at this point?
So, this was me
. As in, that was my post that I wrote 8 months ago.
The TL;DR of that post: I'm 25, and in my second job out of college. I had changed companies because my performance at my old one started to flounder the second I started getting more responsibilities. My organizational skills sucked, my attention to detail sucked, my supervisor was not pleased. I changed companies thinking I'd have a fresh start and, surprise, my problems persisted - right down to the unhappy supervisor.
So since then, I feel like I've taken a lot of steps - I started going to therapy. I was diagnosed with ADHD. I'm on ADHD medication to help me focus. I meet my therapist once a week or once every two weeks to discuss coping strategies and organizational/cognitive tricks.
And I come in to work the next day after every session, all freshly medicated and determined - "Alright Anonymous! Today is the day! Small steps, small steps. Expose yourself to unpleasant work tasks, reward yourself for small successes like we discussed! Etc!" And yet by noon, my failing begins. A detail, or two or three, will get missed - and called out by one of my supervisors. A formula on a spreadsheet is wrong so a budget was screwed up. A vendors email address had a typo so they didn't receive the important document I was supposed to forward. And so on.
I am now being micromanaged, and probably rightfully so - why trust my work? I wouldn't. And yet no matter how much I think I've taken my time, or double checked something, a new mistake finds a way to slip into each week. My breaking point was this week, when one of my biggest fears was confirmed: That some of my coworkers think I'm an idiot. I found out because I was accidentally copied on an email in which they appeared to be commiserating over my performance, along the lines of "Omg such a mess, he doesn't know what he's doing." This was after I had sent a particular document out. I did not mention to them that I saw this exchange.
My only excuse - and it is a weak one, I think - is that my job does not involve any sort of critical thinking or collaboration at all. It is mostly data-entry in some form or another, sitting at my desk all day, formatting spreadsheets, and copying information from old spreadsheets and tweaking them into new ones and keeping track of dozens and dozens of documents and budgets. It is not especially challenging work, other than the challenge of repeatedly testing my attention to extremely minute details over and over and over again. It doesn't help that my supervisor is VERY type-A and, well...lets just say the opposite of someone with ADD. But still - this should be easy. And I have a feeling this is something I will be tested with most jobs.
I'm just so disappointed in myself and with how I've turned out. I used to have such a healthy amount of confidence - not cockiness or entitlement, but just that general feeling that "it's going to be okay, you're smart and intuitive and you're going to figure it out." That I could learn or take on anything if I put my mind to it. I was so excited that I've made it in this far in life. Now that feeling has been entirely diminished. I have never doubted myself more.
I don't know what to do now. I could quit my job, but then I wouldn't have a job. I could talk to my boss about how I'm unhappy, but then they might just use that as a lever to fire me. I could keep my current job while searching for a job that suits me better, but this will be difficult because my skills are all based on the career that I'm in now, so who knows how long it would take. I could also leave this company relatively quickly and perform the same gig at a new company, and hope to god that it will be a slightly better environment with less type-A coworkers - but then I just risk failing my face off again and letting everyone down some more. And honestly - I wouldn't know how to NOT go in to a new job at this point without expecting to fail. It has come to that. I am trying hard to get out of that mind set, but it is so hard not to buy it.
What happens now? What do I do? How do I even begin restoring my confidence?