lunchtime etiquette
December 21, 2012 10:24 AM Subscribe
Is it kinda assholey to ask someone to leave their desk when they're eating lunch?
I'm pretty clueless about a lot of social etiquette, so I'd appreciate your thoughts on this. I typically eat lunch at my desk. Coworker who sits next to me will often demand that I leave the room because he doesn't like the smell. He's explained that the food doesn't smell bad per se, but he doesn't like to smell food when he's already eaten. (We're not talking liver and onions here, just normal stuff similar to what other coworkers eat.) This means I have to go stand around somewhere and scarf down my food quickly so I can get back to work; it's uncomfortable and awkward, and he knows this. (He eats in the workplace cafeteria, which I try to avoid for health and cost reasons.)
I'd much, much prefer to eat at my desk (my work is such that it's nearly impossible for me to take a lunch hour), and it only takes 15-20 minutes for me to eat lunch. Many other people in the office eat at their desks, and no one else seems to have a problem with it. It's one of the few breaks I have during the day.
So far I've obediently left the room when he tells me to, but it makes me feel very self-conscious, like I'm being treated as a second-class citizen bcs my food is so disgusting. He knows that I don't like it when he does this, and another coworker even told him off for it, but he persists in doing it.
This guy is, by all accounts, an incorrigible asshole, and I'm one of his favorite targets -- probably just bcs I sit next to him. But I don't know whether this particular behavior of his is assholey, or whether I'm being too sensitive.
Is he being a douchbag? Am I over-reacting? I'd like to tell him to go suck it, but I need to know if my feelings about this are all out of whack. Thanks in advance for your thoughts.
I'm pretty clueless about a lot of social etiquette, so I'd appreciate your thoughts on this. I typically eat lunch at my desk. Coworker who sits next to me will often demand that I leave the room because he doesn't like the smell. He's explained that the food doesn't smell bad per se, but he doesn't like to smell food when he's already eaten. (We're not talking liver and onions here, just normal stuff similar to what other coworkers eat.) This means I have to go stand around somewhere and scarf down my food quickly so I can get back to work; it's uncomfortable and awkward, and he knows this. (He eats in the workplace cafeteria, which I try to avoid for health and cost reasons.)
I'd much, much prefer to eat at my desk (my work is such that it's nearly impossible for me to take a lunch hour), and it only takes 15-20 minutes for me to eat lunch. Many other people in the office eat at their desks, and no one else seems to have a problem with it. It's one of the few breaks I have during the day.
So far I've obediently left the room when he tells me to, but it makes me feel very self-conscious, like I'm being treated as a second-class citizen bcs my food is so disgusting. He knows that I don't like it when he does this, and another coworker even told him off for it, but he persists in doing it.
This guy is, by all accounts, an incorrigible asshole, and I'm one of his favorite targets -- probably just bcs I sit next to him. But I don't know whether this particular behavior of his is assholey, or whether I'm being too sensitive.
Is he being a douchbag? Am I over-reacting? I'd like to tell him to go suck it, but I need to know if my feelings about this are all out of whack. Thanks in advance for your thoughts.
This guy is, by all accounts, an incorrigible asshole,
I think you answered your own question there.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 10:27 AM on December 21, 2012 [20 favorites]
I think you answered your own question there.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 10:27 AM on December 21, 2012 [20 favorites]
Personally I think he is rude but why not try to work it out collaboratively? Decide on a time you both will have lunch and while he is in the cafeteria, eat at your desk. Don't just bend to his timetable though. Also, maybe your workplace is different but everywhere I have worked with a cafeteria was open to brown-bagging employees too.
posted by saucysault at 10:28 AM on December 21, 2012 [35 favorites]
posted by saucysault at 10:28 AM on December 21, 2012 [35 favorites]
He's being a dick, but it is polite to eat elsewhere if you have the option.
posted by 2bucksplus at 10:28 AM on December 21, 2012 [7 favorites]
posted by 2bucksplus at 10:28 AM on December 21, 2012 [7 favorites]
You've answered your own question here. If plenty of other people in your office eat at their desks, and this guy is well-known as an asshole, he's being an asshole. Next time he asks you to leave you are well within your rights to say "Sorry I don't have a lot of time today so I prefer to eat here" and go about your business. It might be useful to bring this up with your direct supervisor if they're around but--yeah. Screw this noise.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 10:28 AM on December 21, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by Potomac Avenue at 10:28 AM on December 21, 2012 [3 favorites]
He's allowed to ask nicely, and then you're allowed to say no. He's not allowed to demand, and his asking does not require your compliance. Just say "sorry, I have to do some work. I'll be done in 20 minutes, so feel free to step away until then if you need to."
posted by brainmouse at 10:28 AM on December 21, 2012 [42 favorites]
posted by brainmouse at 10:28 AM on December 21, 2012 [42 favorites]
He may be an asshole generally. He might be making this request in an assholey fashion. But, in and of itself, it is not an unreasonable request. In many companies I've worked for, there is the rule that you don't eat at your desk, especially if you have smelly food, but also to minimize damage to your computer equipment. Of course it's not really enforced these days as we are all under pressure to spend every moment working in these tight times.
posted by wutangclan at 10:29 AM on December 21, 2012 [6 favorites]
posted by wutangclan at 10:29 AM on December 21, 2012 [6 favorites]
Yes he is overstepping, but can you eat your lunch from home in the cafeteria? That would allow you a break and not compromise your health concerns.
If that isn't possible, ignore him.
posted by Julnyes at 10:29 AM on December 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
If that isn't possible, ignore him.
posted by Julnyes at 10:29 AM on December 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
"I'm sorry it upsets you, but I really don't have anywhere else to go in my limited time and will be done soon."
Smile apologetically ... turn your back, ignore him.
posted by edgeways at 10:30 AM on December 21, 2012 [4 favorites]
Smile apologetically ... turn your back, ignore him.
posted by edgeways at 10:30 AM on December 21, 2012 [4 favorites]
I also eat lunch at my desk (as I am right now) although I always eat cold food so people don't smell it. I would never dream of asking people to alter their lunch habits and I do think it's out of line for him to do so. But I will add that some of my colleagues eat some absolutely horrible smelling food at their desks and the small of it lingers for hours and I also wouldn't complain if they ate it somewhere else.
posted by triggerfinger at 10:31 AM on December 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by triggerfinger at 10:31 AM on December 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Wow, you guys are fast! Thanks so far ...
@saucysault I do try to eat when he's at the cafeteria when I can, but it's not always possible bcs of my crazy schedule.
@Julnyes The cafeteria is really noisy and chaotic and I couldn't bring my computer there. Lunch at desk is my "quiet time," which I really need.
posted by phoenix_rising at 10:33 AM on December 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
@saucysault I do try to eat when he's at the cafeteria when I can, but it's not always possible bcs of my crazy schedule.
@Julnyes The cafeteria is really noisy and chaotic and I couldn't bring my computer there. Lunch at desk is my "quiet time," which I really need.
posted by phoenix_rising at 10:33 AM on December 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
"Sorry, I can't."
Done. It's work, and you're doing what you do to get it done. Unless his whinging gets you a proper lunch hour from management, it's not your problem.
posted by ellF at 10:35 AM on December 21, 2012 [4 favorites]
Done. It's work, and you're doing what you do to get it done. Unless his whinging gets you a proper lunch hour from management, it's not your problem.
posted by ellF at 10:35 AM on December 21, 2012 [4 favorites]
I totally agree this guy is being an asshole. With people like this, I usually find that if I stick up for myself one time, politely, then they back off. You're probably one of his "favorite targets" because you always comply with his demands.
posted by barnoley at 10:35 AM on December 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by barnoley at 10:35 AM on December 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
I think it's a little rude to eat odorous food at your desk. Could you eat cold food, such as sandwiches instead? One of my co-workers eats smelly foods at her desk and it drives me crazy. I have never said anything because I hate confrontation and she's generally a nice person. I don't think your co-worker is overstepping. It can be extremely nauseating to smell food when you aren't hungry. Could you eat the lunch you bring in the cafeteria? That's what I do if I am going to eat food that has an odor.
posted by parakeetdog at 10:35 AM on December 21, 2012 [6 favorites]
posted by parakeetdog at 10:35 AM on December 21, 2012 [6 favorites]
Can you time your lunch to coincide with his visits to the cafeteria? You shouldn't have to, but it could reduce friction without taking away your quiet time.
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 10:36 AM on December 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 10:36 AM on December 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
Maybe he should try to time his lunch with yours, since he's the person who has the issue? I might suggest that--"Pete, I'd be glad to let you know as best I can when I'm planning to eat so you can plan your lunch for the same time" or somthing.
posted by Sidhedevil at 10:36 AM on December 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by Sidhedevil at 10:36 AM on December 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
Can you eat when he's out to lunch? If not, you need to have a once and for all conversation, not a response that you need to repeat every time. So:
"Ralph, I've been thinking about your issue about my eating lunch at my desk, and I've decided that since many other people eat at their desks around here, there's really no reason I should have to leave mine to eat. I understand this this goes against your preferences, but eating elsewhere goes against my preferences. I prefer to eat here because it's quiet; I prefer not to eat in the noise cafeteria. So since this is not a matter of noxious odors, or allergy issues, or anything like that, I don't want to have to deal with this any further. I just want you to understand that on most days, for 15 or 20 minutes, I will be eating my lunch, right here, usually around X o'clock. If you still have an issue with this, it's something you'll have to take up with someone else, not me."
Then, shut up and don't get into an exchange with him. Whatever his objections, you say, "Ralph, my mind is made up, I've told you what I'm going to do going forward."
posted by beagle at 10:36 AM on December 21, 2012 [3 favorites]
"Ralph, I've been thinking about your issue about my eating lunch at my desk, and I've decided that since many other people eat at their desks around here, there's really no reason I should have to leave mine to eat. I understand this this goes against your preferences, but eating elsewhere goes against my preferences. I prefer to eat here because it's quiet; I prefer not to eat in the noise cafeteria. So since this is not a matter of noxious odors, or allergy issues, or anything like that, I don't want to have to deal with this any further. I just want you to understand that on most days, for 15 or 20 minutes, I will be eating my lunch, right here, usually around X o'clock. If you still have an issue with this, it's something you'll have to take up with someone else, not me."
Then, shut up and don't get into an exchange with him. Whatever his objections, you say, "Ralph, my mind is made up, I've told you what I'm going to do going forward."
posted by beagle at 10:36 AM on December 21, 2012 [3 favorites]
The reason he gives is pretty dumb.
posted by KokuRyu at 10:38 AM on December 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by KokuRyu at 10:38 AM on December 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: I do try to eat when he's out, but I can't always time it precisely (I'm often running around doing tasks all over the building, not sitting at my desk constantly).
As far as I can tell, my food isn't offensively smelly (like I said, normal stuff that other coworkers eat too).
I'm super-careful around my computer, and also the computer is my own -- not company property or anything. :) We certainly have no rules against eating at our desks in general.
posted by phoenix_rising at 10:38 AM on December 21, 2012
As far as I can tell, my food isn't offensively smelly (like I said, normal stuff that other coworkers eat too).
I'm super-careful around my computer, and also the computer is my own -- not company property or anything. :) We certainly have no rules against eating at our desks in general.
posted by phoenix_rising at 10:38 AM on December 21, 2012
Are you the only person he's asking to do this, or is the rest of the office supposed to move away to eat as well? If it's the former, ask him why he's singling you out. If it's the latter, ask your manager if there's a company policy about eating at desks.
posted by Solomon at 10:44 AM on December 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by Solomon at 10:44 AM on December 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
Tell, him it is your need to eat at your desk but that if this is annoying he can leave his desk for 15 or so minutes and thus be happy.
posted by Postroad at 10:44 AM on December 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by Postroad at 10:44 AM on December 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
Try the compromises, and if he still bugs you, say, "We're not going to agree on this. If you want me to eat somewhere else, take it to [your lowest-level mutual supervisor]." But then be ready to have that supervisor tell you to eat somewhere else, after you plead your case.
If your mutual supervisor begs off and says "Work it out between you," then tell that supervisor that you've tried it and you're going to keep eating at your desk until someone presents a viable alternative.
This is why bosses exist. This thing, right here.
posted by Etrigan at 10:45 AM on December 21, 2012 [8 favorites]
If your mutual supervisor begs off and says "Work it out between you," then tell that supervisor that you've tried it and you're going to keep eating at your desk until someone presents a viable alternative.
This is why bosses exist. This thing, right here.
posted by Etrigan at 10:45 AM on December 21, 2012 [8 favorites]
He's being a jerk. He even said your food doesn't smell bad, he just doesn't prefer to smell it when he's not hungry.
Smelling things you would prefer to not to smell, hearing things you would prefer not to hear, and doing work you would prefer not to do on are all normal parts of working in an office.
posted by insectosaurus at 10:49 AM on December 21, 2012 [6 favorites]
Smelling things you would prefer to not to smell, hearing things you would prefer not to hear, and doing work you would prefer not to do on are all normal parts of working in an office.
posted by insectosaurus at 10:49 AM on December 21, 2012 [6 favorites]
"Sorry, working through lunch. Feel free to take a walk." And then IGNORE him.
posted by DarlingBri at 10:51 AM on December 21, 2012 [6 favorites]
posted by DarlingBri at 10:51 AM on December 21, 2012 [6 favorites]
I think he's being unreasonable. You've said already that you try to eat when he's away when you can, that there's no rule against eating at your desk within your organization, and that you're the only person he singles out. I'd go with whichever variation of "that's not going to work for me" you prefer, and if it gets escalated, go from there by stating that you tried to accomodate him, but it's creating a hardship and work interruption for you and you can't do that any longer.
I will put one thing forth that you might consider: his issue may not have anything to do with your food choices but more, perhaps, with food noises? If there's a possibility that you're making unusual or emphatic sounds when eating, you may consider becoming more aware of them and toning them down.
But I think that's a very outside possibility and he really is just a controlling jerk.
posted by batmonkey at 10:53 AM on December 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
I will put one thing forth that you might consider: his issue may not have anything to do with your food choices but more, perhaps, with food noises? If there's a possibility that you're making unusual or emphatic sounds when eating, you may consider becoming more aware of them and toning them down.
But I think that's a very outside possibility and he really is just a controlling jerk.
posted by batmonkey at 10:53 AM on December 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
"he just doesn't prefer to smell it when he's not hungry."
Yes, and I would prefer not to have to work at my desk, but here we are.
posted by zippy at 10:58 AM on December 21, 2012 [14 favorites]
Yes, and I would prefer not to have to work at my desk, but here we are.
posted by zippy at 10:58 AM on December 21, 2012 [14 favorites]
"Eating my lunch elsewhere means I lose twenty minutes of work time. I'm not going to add twenty minutes to my work day to accommodate your preferences -- I'm sure you'd refuse if I asked you to stay later in the evenings to accommodate a personal quirk of mine. I'm not violating policy. Feel free to take this up with my manager." Odds are this guy won't escalate to your manager. If he does, he'll get the same story from the manager and, as a bonus, earn a reputation for being a petty snitch.
posted by cirocco at 11:08 AM on December 21, 2012 [4 favorites]
posted by cirocco at 11:08 AM on December 21, 2012 [4 favorites]
He's totally out of line. Eat at your desk. Eat whatever you want. Eat whenever you want. If he asks you to move, tell him that you won't, but that he's welcome to leave the room until you're done.
posted by Ragged Richard at 11:08 AM on December 21, 2012
posted by Ragged Richard at 11:08 AM on December 21, 2012
Normal stuff does smell - Subway sandwiches, soup, etc all smell. The guy may be a tool, but if you're eating stuff which smells he's got a legitimate gripe. Are you tossing your food wrappers away in your cubical trash can or taking them to the lunch room? Smells linger long after your done eating.
Smells can be horrible especially if you can't get away from them because of your work area proximity. Imagine sitting next to the too much perfume lady - probably not a pleasant image.
You're not wrong to eat at your desk, but keeping your smells to a minimum is a good compromise.
posted by 26.2 at 11:16 AM on December 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
Smells can be horrible especially if you can't get away from them because of your work area proximity. Imagine sitting next to the too much perfume lady - probably not a pleasant image.
You're not wrong to eat at your desk, but keeping your smells to a minimum is a good compromise.
posted by 26.2 at 11:16 AM on December 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
This guy is, by all accounts, an incorrigible asshole, and I'm one of his favorite targets -- probably just bcs I sit next to him.
If this is true, then this has nothing to do with your food. He is getting his jollies by making you uncomfortable. If you cave on this, he will find something else to poke you about.
posted by headnsouth at 11:18 AM on December 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
If this is true, then this has nothing to do with your food. He is getting his jollies by making you uncomfortable. If you cave on this, he will find something else to poke you about.
posted by headnsouth at 11:18 AM on December 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
You have the right to eat at your desk and you shouldn't acquiesce to him in the future. Obviously this depends on your company culture - I've only ever worked at places where it was not only normal but expected to eat at your desk, so it would be absolutely unbelievable for somebody to start complaining about someone else's food smells and ask them to leave the room when they were trying to eat. But since you say everyone else eats at their desk too then you are in the right and he is being unreasonable.
I also think you should eat whatever you want. Who's to say what food smells are "normal" and "acceptable" in the workplace? If you want to eat aromatic curries or pungent foods that's your right too.
posted by pravit at 11:23 AM on December 21, 2012
I also think you should eat whatever you want. Who's to say what food smells are "normal" and "acceptable" in the workplace? If you want to eat aromatic curries or pungent foods that's your right too.
posted by pravit at 11:23 AM on December 21, 2012
Response by poster: Thanks all -- I feel vindicated.
@26.2 Good point; I do throw any scraps away outside the office area, so it doesn't linger. I totally understand about too-much-perfume-lady situations, but since he's only subjected to it for 15-20 minutes, I figure it's not too much of a hardship. :)
I try to be very considerate of others, which is why I've put up with it so far, but I did suspect he was out of line, and frankly I'm tired of being submissive to him.
Thanks again everyone ... I'll stop thread-sitting now! ;)
posted by phoenix_rising at 11:27 AM on December 21, 2012
@26.2 Good point; I do throw any scraps away outside the office area, so it doesn't linger. I totally understand about too-much-perfume-lady situations, but since he's only subjected to it for 15-20 minutes, I figure it's not too much of a hardship. :)
I try to be very considerate of others, which is why I've put up with it so far, but I did suspect he was out of line, and frankly I'm tired of being submissive to him.
Thanks again everyone ... I'll stop thread-sitting now! ;)
posted by phoenix_rising at 11:27 AM on December 21, 2012
Okay, I can see it from two sides.
1. I eat at my desk pretty much every day. Usually a sandwich and chips, or some such.
2. The girl next to me loves to eat her sandwich, with what I can gather by the smell, about 7 onions.
I'm also one of those people who get grossed out by the sound of other people chewing.
So, as a fellow lunch-at-desker, I'm inclined to tell the guy, 'get bent'.
But, as someone who is grossed out on a regular basis by other people's food...I put up with it.
Because this is America and we live in a society and unless you're eating Goat Shit Curry through a straw, that dude has just got to suck it up.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 11:28 AM on December 21, 2012
1. I eat at my desk pretty much every day. Usually a sandwich and chips, or some such.
2. The girl next to me loves to eat her sandwich, with what I can gather by the smell, about 7 onions.
I'm also one of those people who get grossed out by the sound of other people chewing.
So, as a fellow lunch-at-desker, I'm inclined to tell the guy, 'get bent'.
But, as someone who is grossed out on a regular basis by other people's food...I put up with it.
Because this is America and we live in a society and unless you're eating Goat Shit Curry through a straw, that dude has just got to suck it up.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 11:28 AM on December 21, 2012
I love the "Sorry, I can't." You don't need an excuse. I do this and so does everyone else I know who has a job in an office.
posted by two lights above the sea at 11:29 AM on December 21, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by two lights above the sea at 11:29 AM on December 21, 2012 [3 favorites]
I try to be very considerate of others, which is why I've put up with it so far, but I did suspect he was out of line, and frankly I'm tired of being submissive to him.
Try to recognize the difference between being considerate and being submissive. They can look a lot alike but the difference is in how much you value yourself, your own preferences & opinions, etc.
Considerate is going somewhere else to eat your curries or limburger sandwiches. Submissive is regularly skipping a break you need, eating quickly while standing up, remaining silent in the face of boorish behavior so as to avoid confrontation, feeling the need to defend your participation in a practice that is the norm in your workplace (even your responses in this thread include explanations of why you have to do it this way ... you don't have to justify to your officemate or to us or to anyone why you prefer to eat at your desk; you just do.)
posted by headnsouth at 11:45 AM on December 21, 2012 [4 favorites]
Try to recognize the difference between being considerate and being submissive. They can look a lot alike but the difference is in how much you value yourself, your own preferences & opinions, etc.
Considerate is going somewhere else to eat your curries or limburger sandwiches. Submissive is regularly skipping a break you need, eating quickly while standing up, remaining silent in the face of boorish behavior so as to avoid confrontation, feeling the need to defend your participation in a practice that is the norm in your workplace (even your responses in this thread include explanations of why you have to do it this way ... you don't have to justify to your officemate or to us or to anyone why you prefer to eat at your desk; you just do.)
posted by headnsouth at 11:45 AM on December 21, 2012 [4 favorites]
Eating at your desk is rather gross, and I would find it distasteful as well. I'm not an American though so maybe this is a cultural thing.
That being said, if many other people in your office do this as well, and your employer doesn't provide a place for you to eat then your co-worker is just being a dick.
posted by atrazine at 12:01 PM on December 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
That being said, if many other people in your office do this as well, and your employer doesn't provide a place for you to eat then your co-worker is just being a dick.
posted by atrazine at 12:01 PM on December 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
This might sound out there, but are you a noisy eater? Could that be why he singles you out? He might be using the smell excuse to lighten the blow, even if he is generally an asshole. I sat next to a noisy eater once, and it drove me insane. Just a thought.
posted by patheral at 12:02 PM on December 21, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by patheral at 12:02 PM on December 21, 2012 [3 favorites]
Smelly food is obnoxious in the office, but eating ordinary food at your desk when you're busy shouldn't be objectionable, unless there's a strong culture against it at your workplace, which is unlikely. Does he eat at his desk? Do others, or just you? Try to work it out, cause there's no good to be gained in office fights, even with a known jerk.
Can we try to plan so that I can eat my lunch when you're out?
Perhaps a small fan would help, or an Airwick on your desk for lunchtime?
posted by theora55 at 12:07 PM on December 21, 2012
Can we try to plan so that I can eat my lunch when you're out?
Perhaps a small fan would help, or an Airwick on your desk for lunchtime?
posted by theora55 at 12:07 PM on December 21, 2012
So, I see a very clear two-step process for fixing this:
STEP ONE: eat your lunch earlier. He stated quite clearly that his issue is smelling your food right after he's eaten. So, eat your food before he's eaten, or right when he leaves the office to eat. If he's been acting in good faith, this will solve your problem.
STEP TWO: if he still complains, and comes up with some other reason, go to your manager:
"As you know, our schedules are really tight these days, and a lot of us struggle to squeeze a desk lunch into our day so we can meet our deadlines. Even though I'm not the only person doing this, [person's name] is very unhappy that I do it. We talked about it, and he was firm that it wasn't that my food smelled unpleasant, but that he doesn't like smelling other people's food right after he's eaten. So, I started eating my lunch earlier, but now he said [the new reason]. We're all very busy, and I don't think that chasing [person]'s moving target to appease him is a good use of company time, but I still have to eat and get my work done. Would you mind moving one of us, either him near people who don't eat at their desks, or me near [other people's names] who do?"
posted by davejay at 12:21 PM on December 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
STEP ONE: eat your lunch earlier. He stated quite clearly that his issue is smelling your food right after he's eaten. So, eat your food before he's eaten, or right when he leaves the office to eat. If he's been acting in good faith, this will solve your problem.
STEP TWO: if he still complains, and comes up with some other reason, go to your manager:
"As you know, our schedules are really tight these days, and a lot of us struggle to squeeze a desk lunch into our day so we can meet our deadlines. Even though I'm not the only person doing this, [person's name] is very unhappy that I do it. We talked about it, and he was firm that it wasn't that my food smelled unpleasant, but that he doesn't like smelling other people's food right after he's eaten. So, I started eating my lunch earlier, but now he said [the new reason]. We're all very busy, and I don't think that chasing [person]'s moving target to appease him is a good use of company time, but I still have to eat and get my work done. Would you mind moving one of us, either him near people who don't eat at their desks, or me near [other people's names] who do?"
posted by davejay at 12:21 PM on December 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
oh, and if he does do this to you in other ways, you can say "...this isn't the first time he's given me an ongoing hard time about something that other people do and nobody seems to care about, and I don't think that chasing [person]'s moving target..." and so on.
posted by davejay at 12:24 PM on December 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by davejay at 12:24 PM on December 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
This guy doesn't sound like the best co-worker, but I don't think he's being unreasonable. He's asking that you step away from a workstation to eat. And unless his language is more colourful than what you're describing, he's doing it in a reasonable way. Many offices have policies about this and if yours doesn't, frankly, it should. I get that employers like to ring every second of productivity out of each worker, but there are very good reasons to insist that employees eat elsewhere including germs and food sensetivities. You should take your lunch break away from your desk and if you have too much work to do that, its an issue with you and your boss. All this guy is asking for is a chance to get through his work without being disturbed by your sounds and smells. Your office provides a cafeteria and that suggests that they would like you to use it. Don't eat at your desk. Just because other people do it doesn't mean its right.
And think about it this way, don't you deserve a chance every single day to get away from your desk, get away from this guy that you don't get along with, get up, take a walk, eat in peace and go back to work refreshed?
posted by GilvearSt at 12:52 PM on December 21, 2012 [6 favorites]
And think about it this way, don't you deserve a chance every single day to get away from your desk, get away from this guy that you don't get along with, get up, take a walk, eat in peace and go back to work refreshed?
posted by GilvearSt at 12:52 PM on December 21, 2012 [6 favorites]
Our office encourages people not to eat at their desk as smells often accumulate in the office when people do, rotting crumbs and spills and so forth. This is more enforced in the breach than otherwise, but there's some justice to the notion. He may be a donkey for other reasons, but this is one reasonable people do have strong opinions about.
posted by bonehead at 12:56 PM on December 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by bonehead at 12:56 PM on December 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
If you're eating kimchi and durian sandwiches, stop that forever ugh gross. If you are not, ignore him.
posted by elizardbits at 12:57 PM on December 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by elizardbits at 12:57 PM on December 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
like I'm being treated as a second-class citizen
I think there's also an argument to be made that your corporate culture, by not encouraging a proper and law-abiding half-hour lunch break for you, is treating you and your co-workers as second-class citizens. I know I tend to be a bit of an oddball on this topic, at least in mainstream American work culture, but I hold my lunchbreak to be sacrosanct.
"Going to lunch. Be back in a half-hour" is another option for you to assert yourself in this situation. Write it on a Post-It, put it on your keyboard, and go eat in peace at the location of your choice.
If your work load makes you feel like you don't even have time to take a nominal lunchbreak, it suggests to me that your supervisor needs to rethink resources and schedules. Really, how many of our tasks are just soooo urgent that they can't wait another 20 minutes? What's next: will we be expected to wear Depends adult undergarments so we don't waste precious time pooing in the loo?
posted by nacho fries at 1:00 PM on December 21, 2012 [12 favorites]
I think there's also an argument to be made that your corporate culture, by not encouraging a proper and law-abiding half-hour lunch break for you, is treating you and your co-workers as second-class citizens. I know I tend to be a bit of an oddball on this topic, at least in mainstream American work culture, but I hold my lunchbreak to be sacrosanct.
"Going to lunch. Be back in a half-hour" is another option for you to assert yourself in this situation. Write it on a Post-It, put it on your keyboard, and go eat in peace at the location of your choice.
If your work load makes you feel like you don't even have time to take a nominal lunchbreak, it suggests to me that your supervisor needs to rethink resources and schedules. Really, how many of our tasks are just soooo urgent that they can't wait another 20 minutes? What's next: will we be expected to wear Depends adult undergarments so we don't waste precious time pooing in the loo?
posted by nacho fries at 1:00 PM on December 21, 2012 [12 favorites]
I suffer from misophonia. Listening to people eat is torture (as is smelling their food, especially when I'm hungry and trying to wrap things up in order to go to lunch). Another thing, I consider eating at my desk punishment. You mean, no recess today? Therefore, IMO, people who eat at their desks aren't just assholes, but over-achieving, inconsiderate assholes making those of us who DO go out look bad.
Now, the answer to the OPs question, "Is it kinda assholey to ask someone to leave their desk when they're eating lunch?" is, unfortunately, yes (especially if no break room is available for that purpose). However, it's an understandable desire. I work with a jerk who comes in later and allegedly stays later than anyone else, and he makes a great production of eating not only the breakfast he brings in but a fast-food lunch he scurries out to buy every day around 3PM. Would you like to work near this guy?
You have the right to eat at your desk
Not in my world, buddy. You have the right to remain silent.
posted by Rash at 1:04 PM on December 21, 2012 [3 favorites]
Now, the answer to the OPs question, "Is it kinda assholey to ask someone to leave their desk when they're eating lunch?" is, unfortunately, yes (especially if no break room is available for that purpose). However, it's an understandable desire. I work with a jerk who comes in later and allegedly stays later than anyone else, and he makes a great production of eating not only the breakfast he brings in but a fast-food lunch he scurries out to buy every day around 3PM. Would you like to work near this guy?
You have the right to eat at your desk
Not in my world, buddy. You have the right to remain silent.
posted by Rash at 1:04 PM on December 21, 2012 [3 favorites]
I think you're both wrong.
He is wrong for being a dick about it.
You are wrong for eating your lunch at your desk. I hate it when people eat at their desk. Crumbs, smells, chewing noises, ugh. And as an HR person who has had to have multiple conversations with people about eating at their desks because it annoys co-workers I just wish people would eat their lunch in designated lunch areas. That is why they exist. Buy an ipad or something and go eat in the breakroom.
posted by magnetsphere at 1:15 PM on December 21, 2012 [9 favorites]
He is wrong for being a dick about it.
You are wrong for eating your lunch at your desk. I hate it when people eat at their desk. Crumbs, smells, chewing noises, ugh. And as an HR person who has had to have multiple conversations with people about eating at their desks because it annoys co-workers I just wish people would eat their lunch in designated lunch areas. That is why they exist. Buy an ipad or something and go eat in the breakroom.
posted by magnetsphere at 1:15 PM on December 21, 2012 [9 favorites]
Smells in an office environment are always a dicey issue. Whether it's perfume, aftershave, laundry detergent, food, or whatever, what to one person may be a nice aroma can be an offensive aroma to another person that makes them uncomfortable, disrupts their work, etc. People have different preferences and some also have sensitivities. So I think ultimately the only clear cut way to deal with such things (aside from whatever company policies might exist) is to err on the side of caution by reducing, as much as possible, smells that make other people uncomfortable. That can be frustrating and annoying to the smell producer, but remember the smell smeller may also be suffering frustration and annoyance as well. I think an analogy is room temperature control: cooler temperatures allow people who are hot to be comfortable, while people who are cold can simply add more clothing (people who are hot can't strip naked).
posted by Dansaman at 1:25 PM on December 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by Dansaman at 1:25 PM on December 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
But, in and of itself, it is not an unreasonable request.
In office culture where I am (Australia), this is a totally unreasonable request. People eat kippers and tunas at their desks. Other might joke about the smell, but it would be unthinkable to ask someone to move. We are all professionals, working hard; there's no break room; people want to relax at lunch.
posted by smoke at 1:29 PM on December 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
In office culture where I am (Australia), this is a totally unreasonable request. People eat kippers and tunas at their desks. Other might joke about the smell, but it would be unthinkable to ask someone to move. We are all professionals, working hard; there's no break room; people want to relax at lunch.
posted by smoke at 1:29 PM on December 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
I think an analogy is room temperature control: cooler temperatures allow people who are hot to be comfortable, while people who are cold can simply add more clothing (people who are hot can't strip naked).
This is true, and it is generally accepted that the temperature will range between 66 and 74 degrees, which is too cold for some and too hot for others, and people grit and bare it, as long as the temperature is not 60 and not 80. It's not unreasonable to expect that some people may wear a subtly-(or not-so-subtly-)scented perfume or aftershave. It's not unreasonable to assume people will eat at their desks and that they are eating something that smells like food.
It crosses the line into unreasonable where the coworker declares that he would rather not smell food after he's eaten. That's like complaining that he can't have the temperature at a toasty 80 degrees, because he would rather work in a tshirt.
This strikes me as a power play-- he's trying to assert control over how you act in your own shared office by drawing a line on a just-over-the-edge bound of reasonability.
posted by deanc at 1:36 PM on December 21, 2012 [4 favorites]
This is true, and it is generally accepted that the temperature will range between 66 and 74 degrees, which is too cold for some and too hot for others, and people grit and bare it, as long as the temperature is not 60 and not 80. It's not unreasonable to expect that some people may wear a subtly-(or not-so-subtly-)scented perfume or aftershave. It's not unreasonable to assume people will eat at their desks and that they are eating something that smells like food.
It crosses the line into unreasonable where the coworker declares that he would rather not smell food after he's eaten. That's like complaining that he can't have the temperature at a toasty 80 degrees, because he would rather work in a tshirt.
This strikes me as a power play-- he's trying to assert control over how you act in your own shared office by drawing a line on a just-over-the-edge bound of reasonability.
posted by deanc at 1:36 PM on December 21, 2012 [4 favorites]
I would consider office culture. If you are the only one eating at your desk, stop doing that.
If not, ignore the guy.
posted by Omnomnom at 1:46 PM on December 21, 2012 [3 favorites]
If not, ignore the guy.
posted by Omnomnom at 1:46 PM on December 21, 2012 [3 favorites]
Many other people in the office eat at their desks, and no one else seems to have a problem with it. It's one of the few breaks I have during the day.
I gotta agree with the OP, particularly if no one else in the office has an issue with it. If he doesn't like smelling food after he's eaten, well that's too bad. I might agree with your co-worker if you were eating something obviously very smelly (curry, seafood, etc) but it doesnt sound like thats the case. As a datapoint, I eat lunch at my desk almost every day (and occasionally breakfast too), as my office has no break room/lunchroom and eating out all the time is expensive. Plus it's one of the few quiet times I get during the day.
posted by photo guy at 1:54 PM on December 21, 2012
I gotta agree with the OP, particularly if no one else in the office has an issue with it. If he doesn't like smelling food after he's eaten, well that's too bad. I might agree with your co-worker if you were eating something obviously very smelly (curry, seafood, etc) but it doesnt sound like thats the case. As a datapoint, I eat lunch at my desk almost every day (and occasionally breakfast too), as my office has no break room/lunchroom and eating out all the time is expensive. Plus it's one of the few quiet times I get during the day.
posted by photo guy at 1:54 PM on December 21, 2012
Time to pull out the old Miss Manners standby: "I'm sorry, that won't be possible." Nothing else necessary.
posted by brand-gnu at 2:07 PM on December 21, 2012
posted by brand-gnu at 2:07 PM on December 21, 2012
Are you both in the same space, with a door that you can close, or are there other people in the same space? I can understand his dislike of smells if you two share an office, but that doesn't make it okay for him to dictate where you should eat.
Unless you're eating fish or something else that is very pungent, a distracted "um-hm" or a "sorry, it's just not possible" is a good response.
posted by SillyShepherd at 2:30 PM on December 21, 2012
Unless you're eating fish or something else that is very pungent, a distracted "um-hm" or a "sorry, it's just not possible" is a good response.
posted by SillyShepherd at 2:30 PM on December 21, 2012
Therefore, IMO, people who eat at their desks aren't just assholes, but over-achieving, inconsiderate assholes making those of us who DO go out look bad.
Just a thought: sometimes, people who eat at their desks are people who have more than one standard day's work to do each day, and have to leave at a fixed time to pick up their children from school (or have other fixed-time obligations.)
posted by davejay at 3:24 PM on December 21, 2012 [4 favorites]
Just a thought: sometimes, people who eat at their desks are people who have more than one standard day's work to do each day, and have to leave at a fixed time to pick up their children from school (or have other fixed-time obligations.)
posted by davejay at 3:24 PM on December 21, 2012 [4 favorites]
I have a real problem with bananas. I have a pretty good sense of smell, and they're pungent for a fruit. Fine if you like them. However, attempting to eat them myself makes me instantly gag and/or vomit, and the smell is only slightly more tolerable to me. They look like a nice, tasty, healthy snack, but something about them absolutely doesn't agree with my mouth or my nose.
However, I recognise this is my issue, not whomever sits across from me, so if they were eating one, I'd choose that point to go to the loo or get a drink. I have politely asked people if I (not they) can remove the peel and put it in a bin further away if I can still smell it, but after establishing that I happen to have this reaction to them and it doesn't mean they should stop eating the horrid things altogether. That would be unressonable.
posted by mippy at 3:25 PM on December 21, 2012
However, I recognise this is my issue, not whomever sits across from me, so if they were eating one, I'd choose that point to go to the loo or get a drink. I have politely asked people if I (not they) can remove the peel and put it in a bin further away if I can still smell it, but after establishing that I happen to have this reaction to them and it doesn't mean they should stop eating the horrid things altogether. That would be unressonable.
posted by mippy at 3:25 PM on December 21, 2012
I don't really like the smell of other people's food either but I sorta just take that as part of the environment when you work with other people. On the other hand, I really disliked most of my coworkers and didn't want to eat with them so I often ate quickly at my desk and then used the rest of my lunch break to run errands or whatever.
Basically I don't think it's an unreasonable request but I don't think it's unreasonable to deny it either. Especially if this guy is a dick. You could use the Miss Manner "I'm sorry that just won't be possible."
posted by radioamy at 3:29 PM on December 21, 2012
Basically I don't think it's an unreasonable request but I don't think it's unreasonable to deny it either. Especially if this guy is a dick. You could use the Miss Manner "I'm sorry that just won't be possible."
posted by radioamy at 3:29 PM on December 21, 2012
Some people who might tend toward the autistic end of the spectrum (or are just generally sensitive? Am I one of them? Probably? Maybe? Or am I just overly concerned with making people uncomfortable? Both?) find smells/sounds generally but especially of other people incredibly, endlessly irritating. To the point of distraction aggravating. I can't emphasize enough how unreasonably angry I get at someone who DARES offend my delicate senses with their egg salad sandwich/loud lip smacking/inane phone conversation RIGHT NEXT TO ME. I mean REALLY? How could you BE so INCONSIDERATE??? However, I realize that they might be blissfully unaware that their totally normal behavior is completely repellant to an oversensitive snowflake like me.
For my own part, I elect to refrain from wearing scent and wash my clothes in odorless detergent, and try to eat in the designated eating areas at my work, or at least to refrain from eating strongly scented foods in an enclosed area with others. I've only imposed these behaviors on myself because I know I would hate it if someone else ate something loud & stinky near me. Am I the Temple Grandin of the workplace? Possibly maybe, who knows?
I'm only extrapolating my sensitivities to others in order to be considerate of anyone else with similar sensitivities, but I realize not everyone is bothered by the same stimuli and so I try (oh my god do I try) to be forgiving to the people who aren't aware they are offending my sensitive senses when they smack their lips while chewing or reek of detergent or (god help me) Axe from across the room.
One example from my work: I work outside. Someone brought popsicles to work because it was a hot day. We sit in a circle for lunch, but one girl, who was lovably crazy, asked us if we would all turn around and eat our popsicles out of her sightlines because she had some crazy issue with popsicle sticks associated with a doctor's visit or whatever. To which we all said "No, you're the crazy one, YOU turn around if this sight doth offend thine eye". And we all moved on.
The point is, whatever your coworker has issues with, it's the crazier person's issue to deal with and your coworker is a nutjob for insisting that you have to eat elsewhere. BUT, and I say this with the thinly worn love of someone who tries to understand that the world is not so overly sensitive as me, please maybe monitor your own lunch sounds/smells as they might, just might, be driving your coworker insane to the point of being unprofessionally bossy and rude? Just a thought...
posted by Queen of Spreadable Fats at 4:21 PM on December 21, 2012
For my own part, I elect to refrain from wearing scent and wash my clothes in odorless detergent, and try to eat in the designated eating areas at my work, or at least to refrain from eating strongly scented foods in an enclosed area with others. I've only imposed these behaviors on myself because I know I would hate it if someone else ate something loud & stinky near me. Am I the Temple Grandin of the workplace? Possibly maybe, who knows?
I'm only extrapolating my sensitivities to others in order to be considerate of anyone else with similar sensitivities, but I realize not everyone is bothered by the same stimuli and so I try (oh my god do I try) to be forgiving to the people who aren't aware they are offending my sensitive senses when they smack their lips while chewing or reek of detergent or (god help me) Axe from across the room.
One example from my work: I work outside. Someone brought popsicles to work because it was a hot day. We sit in a circle for lunch, but one girl, who was lovably crazy, asked us if we would all turn around and eat our popsicles out of her sightlines because she had some crazy issue with popsicle sticks associated with a doctor's visit or whatever. To which we all said "No, you're the crazy one, YOU turn around if this sight doth offend thine eye". And we all moved on.
The point is, whatever your coworker has issues with, it's the crazier person's issue to deal with and your coworker is a nutjob for insisting that you have to eat elsewhere. BUT, and I say this with the thinly worn love of someone who tries to understand that the world is not so overly sensitive as me, please maybe monitor your own lunch sounds/smells as they might, just might, be driving your coworker insane to the point of being unprofessionally bossy and rude? Just a thought...
posted by Queen of Spreadable Fats at 4:21 PM on December 21, 2012
Good grief! Eat lunch when you want, where you want. Do not scramble to have lunch when and where it is convenient for him. It's your decision. Your office culture is that most people eat at their desks, so there's no problem here. (My office is like this. We don't have a break room or a cafeteria.)
He has no business telling you to leave the room. Tell him "no" if he asks you to leave the room to eat. Also, his reason for ordering his colleague to leave the room is that he doesn't like to smell food after he's had lunch? Wow. Do you work with a six year old. Next time he tells you that, tell him "that's nice," and go back to eating your lunch.
posted by citron at 5:44 PM on December 21, 2012
He has no business telling you to leave the room. Tell him "no" if he asks you to leave the room to eat. Also, his reason for ordering his colleague to leave the room is that he doesn't like to smell food after he's had lunch? Wow. Do you work with a six year old. Next time he tells you that, tell him "that's nice," and go back to eating your lunch.
posted by citron at 5:44 PM on December 21, 2012
Truth is, you don't actually know whether this is a real issue, or this is just a guy picking on you because he can. I feel like I've seen this question before, although perhaps not here, where people were advising the lunch-eater to be much more considerate than many are advising you here. My thought is to simply pick your battles. What will happen if you refuse to leave to eat your lunch? Is his nagging, complaining, bitching, going to HR, whatever a worse scenario than having to eat your lunch away from your desk? Try it, and let us know.
posted by sm1tten at 6:49 PM on December 21, 2012
posted by sm1tten at 6:49 PM on December 21, 2012
As a fellow desk eater who works 10+ hour days without any real break because that's just how it is, and nope, not going to be at work any longer than I absolutely have to, I say carry on since you're not eating anything particularly pungent. I would rather work in a quiet and calm place with minimal interruptions, but that shit ain't going to happen either. We all must make allowances for being humans in a shared working environment. To paraphrase a friend, that's why we call it work.
posted by smirkette at 7:57 PM on December 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by smirkette at 7:57 PM on December 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by KokuRyu at 10:26 AM on December 21, 2012 [14 favorites]