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Get me rockin' on the cock blockin'
August 25, 2005 2:34 PM   Subscribe

Help me learn to cock block...

Guys hit on my fiancé fairly often. If it seems like she needs help, I'll step in and make it known she's taken. Or make some lame attempt at it. But often, this doesn't register with whatever male libido I'm dealing with at the time.

I've never been good at this, because 1) I feel like I'm assuming she can't take care of herself (this comes from past girlfriends who've gotten upset with me about stepping in), 3) I assume girls are used to dealing with this and know how to deal with it, 2) I feel like it's a creepy ownership thing guys have, like I immediately turn her into an object that's "mine", 3) I'm not the jealous type, so half the time it doesn't even register that it's necessary, and 4) I've never been real good at confrontation.

So guys - how do you usually go about cock blocking? How do you know when to head in?
Girls - do you expect a friend or SO to step in, or would you rather handle it yourself? How would you expect a guy/SO to handle this? Or, what do you do in case of the reverse situation?
posted by hellbient to Human Relations (45 answers total)
 
How do you know when to head in?

When the prearranged signal is given.
posted by kindall at 2:37 PM on August 25, 2005


Have you talked with her about this question? It seems to me that how your fiancée feels is paramount, not how women who respond to this question feel. Do whatever makes her most comfortable. Maybe the two of you could work out a signal she could give you when she feels she needs or wants your help, so that you could stand back and let her handle it until the situation reaches that point.
posted by cerebus19 at 2:38 PM on August 25, 2005


I'm very interested in the "Are girls used to dealing with this" questions and the "assumption that she can't take care of herself"... I often have problems with these issues when I'm out in bars and would love to hear what guidance the MeFi women have to give...
posted by SpecialK at 3:02 PM on August 25, 2005


You kiss her and start asking questions about the dating status and financial status of the guy. Keep control of the conversation and keep asking more personal and nosey questions until you find something that makes them uncomfortable. Once you do just keep working it until they back off. In short, be a big, fat prick.

If you don't want to or can't be a big fat prick, just excuse yourself and your fiance from the conversation in a vague manner and stand there staring at the guy until he leaves.

How your fiance feels about this is important but she knows what's going on. If she does this on a regular basis, something else is going on there.

As far as this bothering you, it would bother me too. I don't care who someone I'm with flirts with when I'm not there or my status isn't know. But when the other guy is aware of my status and he doesn't back off, HE will pay for it, my girlfriend will get a discreet "What the hell?"
posted by 517 at 3:03 PM on August 25, 2005


I agree with cerebus19 -- talk to your girl and see how she feels about it. I know if I was out and some guy was hitting on me, I could make it very clear with a look or a word to my fiance that I was uncomfortable, and I would expect him to step in and take it from there. Then again, I usually have no problem making it clear tp guys that i'm not interested.
posted by geeky at 3:06 PM on August 25, 2005


#2, unless she indicates otherwise. She may be enjoying the attention from these guys, it doesn't mean she intends to do anything about it. That said, she may be waiting for her knight in shining armor (that'd be you) to "rescue" her. So yeah, ask her.
posted by cali at 3:15 PM on August 25, 2005


jesus, in my constant rearranging/adding of the numbers, i realized how badly I screwed them up (all of them wrong except the "1"). I can count. Sorry for the confusion.
and thanks so far.
posted by hellbient at 3:25 PM on August 25, 2005


Unless your finacee says she would like you to do this, I would say "don't do this." Then again, I'm the assertive type. I know a lot of women who aren't, who will leave a social event very unhappy that a guy was hitting on them and didn't pick up her "signals" that she wanted to be left alone. I know many boyfriends of these women often feel frustrated and powerless by their partner's frustration, but I'm on the fence as to whether the solution to this problem needs to come from outside.

In some rare cases guys won't lay off unless another guy tells them to. In most cases I know, the "leave me alone" vibe just needs to be WAY less subtle than women tend to give off for it to be effective. In a lot of cases also, flirty guys don't really see anything wrong with being chatty and flirty with an attractive woman, even if they're not trying to pick her up, and so coming on with the "Hey buddy LAY OFF" vibe can be a bit of overkill. With me, I think a guy who tries to speak guy-language to tell another guy to stop hitting on his date can often err on the side of overkill and appear like one of those puffed-chest pigeons unless he and his partner are clearly and obviously on the same page with their approach.

So, talk to your finacee, see if the discomfort is mainly yours or mainly hers and discuss how things could be better dealt with in the future. I think any guy that continues to hit on your finacee despite your being there as her date-and-partner is an exception to the usual rules of etiquette and can be handled as bluntly as is necessary.
posted by jessamyn at 3:31 PM on August 25, 2005


It is creepy when guys get possessive over their partners, the only exception being when a girl is actively asking for your help.

That said, the best way to deal with an intruder into your universe is to reframe him. Find something distasteful about your opponent and say something funny about it. What you say has to be funny, or you just come across as having a chip on your shoulder.
posted by skylar at 3:33 PM on August 25, 2005


"How do you know when to head in?"

kindall: "When the prearranged signal is given."


...and one of the best signals is for her to say: "oh yes, by the way, I'd like you to meet my fiancé."

Making sure that people know you're together is the easiest way of maneuvering the difficult situations you're describing. Decent people everywhere will back off knowing that you're with her; if a guy is foolish or awful enough to continue making moves with you standing there or nearby and knowing your relation to her, then he's committed a fairly blatant faux pas. The graceful thing to do is to smile and excuse yourselves quickly.
posted by koeselitz at 3:34 PM on August 25, 2005


Keep in mind that my comment is made under the assumption that she can extract herself at will from a situation she doesn't want to be in.
posted by 517 at 3:51 PM on August 25, 2005


In those situations, if I want help I'll ask for it. Guys who step in when they think I can't handle the situation annoy me. But then... I'm not very inhibited, and have no problem telling someone who's hitting on me to feck off.

Talk to your lady, ask her if she feels the need for help, and yeah, come up with a pre-arranged signal.
posted by Specklet at 4:00 PM on August 25, 2005


You don't have to be a dick to the guy hitting on (or even just talking to, but he's likely to be hitting on her) your fiancee.

You should talk this over with her and ask her how she feels when guys talk to her. If she likes the attention and feels that she can handle it, then maybe she doesn't need you to step in. If it bothers you anyway, tell her about your feelings and you two can come to some sort of behavior agreement. Make sure that she flashes the ring. Honorable guys won't go for chicks with rings.

If she does need help getting out of the situation (maybe she's too shy to let the guy know), perhaps she could give you some kind of sign. At that point, she would say something like "meet my fiancee" (which is actually a little rude to just pull out like that ... I mean, you can't blame a guy for trying to talk to a pretty girl) or you two can engage in some friendly body language conversations. The suitor usually gets the idea and everything resolves itself in a friendly and natural manner. If he's a champ, maybe he'll buy both of you drinks. If you were really friendly, I would.

Unless the guy doesn't get it, or is being disrespectful, there is no reason to be a dick to him or to try and hurt his feelings. You've been a single guy before, right? Being too eager to "come to the rescue" and "fend off the intruders" is rude and displays insecurity.
posted by redteam at 4:23 PM on August 25, 2005


I dated a woman for a while who was frequently hit on, but I always knew she was going home with me, so no big deal. Sometimes I think it revved her up a little bit too.
posted by plinth at 5:47 PM on August 25, 2005


I'd be bugged if my boyfriend interrupted a conversation with a guy ... sometimes we really are just talking, and I'm comfortable telling men to back off if I need to.

That said, sometimes the green-eyed monster rears its ugly little head when he's talking to pretty girls ... if I can't stand it, I'll wander over during a break in their conversation, ask for an introduction, and casually ask him when he wants to head home.
posted by hamster at 5:50 PM on August 25, 2005


Ask her how she feels about it. If she's cool, let her deal with it.

And if it doesn't bother her, when a guy's being a real dick go up to her, and drape your arm over her shoulder, or arm around the waist, something like that.
posted by schroedinger at 6:05 PM on August 25, 2005


I have to agree with what most others have said. I think a fair amount of women are used to dealing with this, but not all of us know how to extract ourselves from the situation. I have no problem at all making it very clear that I would like someone to go away, my friend on the other hand is far too polite, and gets stuck. It really comes down to what type your girlfriend is. Without knowing that, it's hard to advise. Oh, and some sort of signal is ideal.
posted by aclevername at 6:12 PM on August 25, 2005


So many possibilities.

Hamster's got the answer to your main question.

And here's my gentle inquiry into the subtext. My guess about how this keeps happening -- either you're a little jealous despite not considering yourself the jealous type, or she'd like you to be a little more jealous, despite the fact that you're not the jealous type.

I may be way off-base, since you didn't discuss your fiancee's personality. No offense.
posted by desuetude at 6:40 PM on August 25, 2005


I work mainly with men and primarily hang out with men. There just aren't too many females in my profession. I can be fairly oblivious when I'm talking to someone who seems to be interested in me. To me, it's usually just talking. However, I do have three rules:

1. Casually mention my boyfriend at least once in a conversation with someone I've just met
2. No uninvited casual touching, and it's almost never invited unless I'm choking
3. Never drink heavily in places where I don't feel I know enough of the people; it seems that there's nothing like an intoxicated girl to bring all of the sketchy guys out of the woodwork

I did have a boyfriend who was a bit overzealous about me talking to members of the opposite sex. I HATED it. Now I have a boyfriend who knows I can take care of myself.

There are several things one can do as a woman to fend off clueless, over aggressive guys.

1. Reduce eye contact and move a few steps away. Look at your watch.
2. Flag down a friend or boyfriend to join the conversation; one on one conversations can be a bit intense with some people. Adding a third person breaks this up.
3. Leave. Go and get something to eat or drink or heed the call of nature. Spill something if you have to.
4. If you are followed don't be afraid to grab your boyfriend or directly ask that person to leave you alone.
5. Don't worry too much about looking like a cold bitch if someone gives you the wrong vibe; leering and inappropriate questions do this for me.

Personally, I think other women make the best c*ck blockers. I find it easy even as a really small woman to drape my arm around my friend and place myself between my friend and the overly aggressive man. If people are too drunk, then one just asks for accompaniment to a ladies room.

For men, the key is to break up unwanted one on one conversations. Putting an arm around her or following her around can get annoying on her part. Only do this if she looks particularly uncomfortable or the guy is invading her personal space. Just standing next to her should be enough. Let her initiate it if she wants to be close to you physically. I've actually hidden from a particularly drunk guy from behind my boyfriend. Staring or looking menacing can make a situation escalate with someone who is probably already wasted. Moving even a few steps over to a new conversation works much better.
posted by Alison at 6:52 PM on August 25, 2005


Due to 2) and 3'), if it's not a problem for her it seems it's not a problem for you. Therefore...
Some women will be annoyed if you step in too much, feeling like you're insecure and don't trust them.
Some women will be annoyed if you step in too little, feeling abandoned and unvalued. (As a guy, I'd rather be engaged to the first type.)
So like everybody else says, ask her, and arrange a signal.
posted by Aknaton at 6:52 PM on August 25, 2005


It feels weird and possessive to you because, I suspect, it is weird and possessive. If she wanted your help, she'd ask for it, you'd handle it, you'd both be happy, and you wouldn't be asking us.

I'm a woman who often gets along better with men than with women, and I'm fairly friendly, so I have a lot of long conversations with random guys. I'm also kind of oblivious, so I am always surprised when it turns out some guy has in fact been hitting on me.

Sometimes guys I'm with might tell me later that they were uncomfortable, and I apologize. Obviously I don't want to make my lover uncomfortable. But what -- I can only have conversations with women? Do they have to be straight women? Do you know very many straight women into Star Trek, Dungeons & Dragons, and sailboat racing for me to talk to? See the problem?

If I were your girlfriend (um, is that you Dave?) I would say this. Saying I "like the attention" makes me sound like a cocktease -- maybe I just... like to talk? If you think I'm going to cheat on you, break up with me now. Really. If not, what's the freaking problem? Maybe this guy whose conversation I'm enjoying secretly wants to sleep with me, but if he doesn't make that my problem -- how is it yours?
posted by Methylviolet at 7:02 PM on August 25, 2005


Jinx?
posted by Methylviolet at 7:04 PM on August 25, 2005


I agree with all those who recommend talking with your fiancée about it and setting up a signal.
Does she wear an engagement ring? That would tip off a lot of guys that she's not single, even if it's just costume jewelry.
posted by me3dia at 7:08 PM on August 25, 2005


I'm not a huge fan of using a signal for two reasons. One, unless a signal is carefully chosen it can be quite awkward or weird. Secondly, really subtle signals are easy to miss if you're across the room or at the snack table (have you seen that episode of Seinfeld). I don't see what's wrong with her waving you over if she needs you. Can you tell if she looks uncomfortable? That should be all the signal you need.
posted by Alison at 7:23 PM on August 25, 2005


Hamster's on the right track. If your fiancée is in conversation with a guy, the best thing you can do is go over and introduce yourself. Make a few pleasentries, but unless you're drawn into the conversation, casually but confidently excuse yourself after a few minutes. Don't grandstand or point out the fact that you're her S.O. Just say hi, ask if she'd like another drink, introduce yourself, and tell her that you'll be in the backyard talking to Bob about his new car. If she's trapped in an uncomfortable conversation, this gives her a polite way to excuse herself and come with you. If she's happily geeking out with someone who shares her own weird interests, there's no muss and no fuss. And if the guy was hitting on her and she's in the process of shutting him down, you've made your presence known as a guy confident enough to leave your woman alone with another man -- a formidable opponent indeed.
posted by junkbox at 7:25 PM on August 25, 2005


Be absolutely confident in your relationship and watch from afar, laughing inwardly as you understand that whatever happens, the girl is going home with you.

Or, if you can't do that, talk to her about it...
posted by benzo8 at 7:30 PM on August 25, 2005


I have absolute confidence that she's going home with me, and absolutely don't care who she talks to, as long as she's cool with it. I just know how endlessly polite she can be.

And yeah, I guess, ahem, having a ring might help. (hey, i did pop the question rather spontaneously)
posted by hellbient at 8:02 PM on August 25, 2005


What do you mean by "it doesn't register"? I totally don't understand this (pretty much) entire thread. Is anyone's advice helping you, helbient?

I'm interested in what you want to learn to do better. What does "cock block" mean to you? My understanding of the phrase has no role in a man's relationship with his bride to be, so maybe the terminology's throwing me off?

Do you want help in "hey buddy, back off?" Cuz that's not cock blocking the guy hitting on your future wife.

As a further illustration of my confusion, the advice from some on this thread that "sometimes i'm just talking to a guy and don't need interference" totally blows my mind. In what situation can the approach of your fiance be an unwelcome situation? In what healthy relationship, in a random social gathering among strangers, can it be possible for an inappropriate time to rejoin your bride to be occur? What am I missing?

Most of the "don't be overprotective" advice, to me, sounds more appropriate in initial dating situations, or where the relationship isn't well-defined. If you're a couple, and you're out together ( much less engaged!), there's no conversations with strangers that one of you can't join the other in.
posted by techgnollogic at 9:39 PM on August 25, 2005


I tend to be too polite as well, but it's getting easier to make a graceful exit. I find that 75% of the time, men aren't hitting on me so much out of attraction but out of boredom, desperation or loneliness. Learning how to tell the difference between their motivations for tying me into long conversations (if I'm not into it) helps a lot in planning an escape. My boyfriend is getting to be good at reading the signals from them and from me, so he has some sense of when it's appropriate to interrupt.

1. Bored guy: Say, "How interesting! In fact, [other bored person] is into [boring topic]. You should talk to her ... let's go over there [to pawn you off] immediately."

2. Desperate guy: Talk lots about the boyfriend and my abiding love of monogamy. Bolt immediately if he won't stop touching me, even if I seem rude. Warn other women and laugh when he goes home alone.

3. Lonely guy: Listen attentively, nodding politely. Then introduce him to outgoing friends that share interests and try to get a group conversation started.
posted by hamster at 9:40 PM on August 25, 2005


If you have to be obvious about it then, quite frankly, you've lost. From personal experience, all you have to do is look the guy in the eye and hold eye contact. This should be subtle and last no more than half a minute. Also take make an effort to square out your shoulders and clench your jaw a little bit. Most guys will, at least subconsciously, pick up on the element confrontation. Then just play it cool and even walk away. The goal of this particular game is not to defend or protect your woman, it's simply to draw the line, stake the territory, and inform the challenger that his efforts will be contested. The overwhelming majority (99.5%) of guys when confronted as such will back off. (Ironically, I've used this method to liberate women from their dates.) For the case where you do get the Don Juan, ignore him. You fiance will be amused by it and you get to demonstrate how much confidence you have in her.
posted by nixerman at 10:03 PM on August 25, 2005


Now you're talkin!
posted by techgnollogic at 10:16 PM on August 25, 2005


I have some advice in the form of a personal story.

I used to date a girl that was always getting hit on. It drove me nuts. Everything from strangers chatting her up, to aquaintences being overly-friendly. Guys can usually tell when another guy is up to something, because, hell, we've been that other guy at some point and can recognize the patterns. And I felt the same way as you: I could step in and stake my "claim", but then, I would be assuming she wanted or needed the help.

Most girls know how to shut a guy down. That your fiancee isn't makes me think that she enjoys the attention, thus any attempt by you to assert your manlihood is going to be construed as being overly-possessive.

For me, I realized later on what the real issue was: as crass as it sounds, the real problem was that at any point in time, she could fuck one of these shlubs if she wanted to. Now, theoretically, this could apply to any girl, but practically, the opportunities were being presented to her on a daily basis, right in front of my face.

After a couple of years of this, we broke up. There were other issues involved, but in the end I was relieved to be free of the constant insecurity. And that's what your problem is, hellbient. Insecurity.

It's not just your problem, it's her problem, too. Because she doesn't recognize how it makes you feel to see her getting hit on all the time. Because you haven't established some kind of routine to handle the situation. Because right now, you're basically walking blindfolded in a minefield of "what-should-I-do's" that ignore the central problem. See, you're worrying about how your actions will be perceived--intervene and you're "over protective", stay back and you're not rescuing her. But inside your head, what you really want is to not have her getting hit on. No action you can take will avoid this, however.

So. You need to talk to her, tell her how you feel and tell her what's making you uncomfortable. Otherwise, your insecurity will eat you up inside and ruin the trust you have between each other.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 10:59 PM on August 25, 2005


Oh, yes, definitely by all means get her a ring.
posted by ikkyu2 at 11:31 PM on August 25, 2005


The one I use at parties:
Just walk over, put an arm over her shoulder, say "Excuse us, would you please?" to the walking libido, and steer her away.

It's simple and effective and even the most obtuse frat boy couldn't fail to get the message. Hell, it even works when the guy is not hitting on her, but just plain boring.

Personally, I wouldn't wait for any "signal" because honestly, I can't of any good time for J. Random Barhopper to be flirting with my wife.

Sure, she is quite capable of telling them to back off by herself, but why waste a good opportunity to be all manly?
I mean, it's not like I'm off slaying wooly mammoths at work, I gotta take my chances when I get them.
posted by madajb at 1:59 AM on August 26, 2005


I'd be bugged if my boyfriend interrupted a conversation with a guy ... sometimes we really are just talking, and I'm comfortable telling men to back off if I need to.

That said, sometimes the green-eyed monster rears its ugly little head when he's talking to pretty girls ... if I can't stand it, I'll wander over during a break in their conversation, ask for an introduction, and casually ask him when he wants to head home.
posted by hamster at 5:50 PM PST on August 25 [!]



That's an interesting double standard (no offense, but it is). It also leads to a pertinent question for the poster: does your girlfriend mind it if you talk to women who are obviously interested in you?

You really need to get this out in the open with her.
posted by sic at 3:14 AM on August 26, 2005


This is a singularly confusing thread. It's hard to know how to answer this question, because we don't know why the parent poster has the perception that the fiance is continually getting hit on--it could be his own jealousy, or it could be the way that the fiance conducts herself. I do not buy the implicit assumption in parts of this thread that all attractive women spend their lives getting hit on and have difficulty figuring out what to do about it.

In general, I find that many of the responses here by both men and women do not grant the fiance quite enough agency. Civil_Disobedient's answer comes closest to addressing this aspect of the problem.

One assumption that seems to be running through the thread is that the fiance is attractive enough to be approachable by male strangers, and that once she's approached she doesn't know how to end conversations from which she wants to extract herself--therefore, the parent poster feels the need to do something about this. However, the subject matter and body language of a conversation between a man and a woman who are just passing time in idle chatter are different from the subject matter and body language of a conversation between a man who is hitting on a woman and that woman. I assume that the parent poster sees his fiance's conversations with men taking the latter form more than the former, or else he wouldn't be posting here. In addition, if the parent poster has "absolute confidence" in his fiance, as he says in a subsequent post, then the question that started the thread should not even exist (unless the fiance has said, "Honey, I keep getting hit on when we're out together and I don't like it--what should I do?").

I've dated women who were generally considered to be quite attractive who weren't constantly getting hit on (in fact, they weren't hit on at all when I was with them), and attractive women who, it seemed to me, were constantly getting hit on. In one particular case, one of the women I dated who was not constantly getting hit on when I was out with her was polite to a fault. But at parties she'd introduce me to whoever she was talking to if I wandered by and approached her (which isn't a matter of sending some kind of artificial signal to ward off an interloper, but a perfectly natural thing to do if you're dating, and doubly so if you're engaged to be married, I imagine). There was none of the animalistic male-on-male confrontation I'm seeing described above--in one case I remember, the man she was talking to ended the conversation by telling me how lucky I was to be dating the woman. At any rate, I never felt the need to "step in" to a conversation that she was having to shut it down. Though some in this thread may disagree with me, I would say that just about all attractive women in America over the age of sixteen know how to shut down a conversation with a strange man, and possess the agency to do so if they wish. (If the strange man in question is extremely drunk or socially retarded, then that's another problem, but nothing in the parent poster's question indicates that his fiance is constantly accosted by socially retarded men.)

On the other hand, when I think of another example (one in which the woman I was dating was, in my perception, always getting hit on), I think of her as deliberately suppressing the natural communication that take place between two people who are dating, and that always took place between us when she and I were alone together. There would be a perfunctory acknowledgment of my presence if I approached her in the middle of a conversation, and little attempt to involve me in it (for example, there'd be no "Hey, Prospero, [guy] and I were just talking about [subject]"). The problem wasn't that she was too shy or polite and that I needed to step in and save her, or with any desire on my part to be protective, or with lotharios in bars who had magical powers of seducing women. The problem was with the change in her behavior when a strange man approached her (and of course, you can predict that this change in behavior was indicative of fundamental problems in the relationship, etc., etc.--we won't go into that).

So perhaps the question isn't "How can the parent poster learn to cock block?" but "Why does the parent poster feel like he needs to step into conversations between men and his fiance?" Or "Why does the parent poster feel as if he is being made to step into conversations between men and his fiance?" The idea that the parent poster feels the need to "cock block" indicates a degree of gamesmanship that should, in my opinion, not be present in a relationship between two people are engaged.
posted by Prospero at 7:09 AM on August 26, 2005


I mean, two people who are engaged.
posted by Prospero at 7:17 AM on August 26, 2005


In what situation can the approach of your fiance be an unwelcome situation?

are they coming over because they're bored in the conversation they're having, and would have wandered over even if you were talking to your grandpa? Or are they coming over because they're insecure / proprietous / jealous? To me, the latter is an ugly thing; I wouldn't be so much bothered by the consequences of the action as disappointed in my SO.

However, some people apparently like jealousy - that is, the "you're mine, I'm yours" aspect of things is central. Personally, I go so far as to like the idea of open relationships, so have no advice for how to handle this if you truly feel it needs to be handled. But I would certainly discuss things with you SO to find out if it does need to be handled.

hamster's double standard struck me, too.
posted by mdn at 7:52 AM on August 26, 2005


This is a bit off topic, but this thread puts me in mind of an study I read about a while ago. The subject was an examination of the strategies that females use in handling unwanted conversation with males in a bar setting.

The gist of it was that most females would start out with a gentle approach (so as to not seem rude, or hurt anyone's feelings), which would either gradually escalate in terms of clarity/assertiveness, or result in the female physically extracting herself from the situation (for example, disappearing in to the ladies room).

It was an excellent article, and the researchers came up with a very clever name for this "phenomenon" but I can't remember anymore than that...Ring a bell to anyone?
posted by melimelo at 8:46 AM on August 26, 2005


I don't see it as a double standard: sometimes jealousy creeps in when you see your partner engaged in a long conversation with an attractive stranger. Conversation is intimate, especially when two people are enjoying it equally (ie, one's not just trying to pick up the other).

He feels it about me; I feel it about him. And yet it's not appropriate to for either of us to cock block if it's just a conversation--I don't run over and fawn all over him every time he talks to another woman about something that interests him, because he'd be bugged.
posted by hamster at 9:05 AM on August 26, 2005


Where is this happening? If you're hanging out with your fiancé at a bar or club with friends, is it possible it's a place that's known as a place for pick-ups? Some places are like this but are otherwise entertaining, but there are some bars that are pretty much meat markets and everyone is assumed to be somewhat available, regardless of whether he or she is wearing a ring. If you're in such a place, it might not even occur to people to check for a ring and they might think that she may be seeing you but still be "available."

I think this problem might diminish with times -- my single friends tend to go to different places than my friends who are dating, and my married friends tend to get out less while still having a good time when they do.
posted by mikeh at 9:30 AM on August 26, 2005


Y'know, I'm on my second in a row of women who gets hit on by other guys. The first one ended up cheating on me. So I am sympathetic.
However, part of the way I ended up with this girl was by remaining cool. I was out with some of her friends, including one that desperately wanted to bag her, and he just wouldn't stop trying to go out of his way to tell her what an asshole I was. You know what I did? Was unfailingly nice for the entire evening. Made him seem like a real prick in comparison.
I kept that in mind when we ran into another one of ther friends recently, a guy she used to live next to in the dorms many years ago, who she's remained close to. He was hammered, drunk beyond belief, and wouldn't shut up about how hot she looked. I was annoyed, but kept quiet, because I didn't want to embarrass her or him, and figured that since I know that she loves me, I don't have anything to worry about.
He started trying to make fun of me, but since he was drunk and I was pretty sober, it was easy to playfully zing him right back and shut him up. And that's all it took, really.
Just relax, and don't worry about it. If you need to do something, the opportunity will present itself, but you nearly never have to.
posted by klangklangston at 10:00 AM on August 26, 2005


Those are pretty easy examples, kk. It's a lot harder to remain cool when the guy she's chatting up is an old friend who you know she previously liked, who's even cooler than thou, is being a perfectly charming--even occasionally hilarious--gentleman. Who's got all his shit together, the perfect job, the perfect house/apartment, and is for some strange reason completely unattached at the moment.

Now, one meeting wouldn't be so bad. They chatted, she had a great time, kept commenting on how nice and funny he was. But let's say he suddenly becomes part of your social circle. And sometimes she doesn't mention that she ran into him, but you hear it from a friend.

Now be cool.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 10:41 AM on August 26, 2005


1.3.2.3.4. Is this question some sort of terrorist message?
posted by yerfatma at 4:23 PM on August 26, 2005


I'd also like to add that this is NOT how anyone I know uses the term "cock block." Perhaps this varies, but I always have heard this term used by my straight guy friends bemoaning that the fact that they hang out with their female friends deters women from being interested in them, despite reassurance that nothing sketchy is going on. I've heard it used in a manner closer to the OP's use of the term to describe rescue action taken by friends. But NEVER by someone's significant other. Is it just me?
posted by desuetude at 10:08 AM on August 29, 2005


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