Pruning old gardens.
December 18, 2012 1:20 PM Subscribe
How best to communicate to most of my old friends and some current ones who are too needy that I simply don't have time for them anymore? Has anyone tried to do this?
I don't have time for a lot of my old friends anymore. I don't want to gab with them for 1-2 hours on the phone at any regular interval, whether that's weekly, monthly or quarterly. Annually might be OK, with occasional text messages interspersed.
I have new responsibilities that mean a lot to me: professional, a long-term significant other and family relationships that take up all of my energy and time that I have to give.
What I want to avoid going forward is falsely telling my old college buddy (e.g.) that we will catch up next week and then I forget about it or simply don't have the time or desire to talk to him and put it off another week and another week, etc. and then feel bad about what a "bad friend" I am. The point is, I guess, is that there will never be a good time, because I just don't care about them that much anymore.
Letting them know this as written above seems a little too blunt and unnecessarily mean. But I also don't really want to lie, this question is about stopping a lie. Help? Is there a script for this situation? Did you do this and did it work out? Do you regret it?
Possibly relevant: I'm 29, male, not depressed and not anti-social in a general sense, but I am an introvert. This is not a rash decision and has been bugging me for awhile. This situation applies to maybe 8 people in my life ranging from old high school through college friends and some random current people who I formed friendships with and haven't fallen away naturally. Most live out of town and still seem to want some sort of regular contact. I would like them to either accept occasional contact or none at all. I DO have friends from this time period I am happy with--they send an email every few months and we endeavor to meet up around once a year when we are in the same city. This is my ideal friend situation and the level of commitment I am comfortable with for casual friends at this point in my life.
I already know I'm a jerk, I just want to be an honest jerk. Thanks!
I don't have time for a lot of my old friends anymore. I don't want to gab with them for 1-2 hours on the phone at any regular interval, whether that's weekly, monthly or quarterly. Annually might be OK, with occasional text messages interspersed.
I have new responsibilities that mean a lot to me: professional, a long-term significant other and family relationships that take up all of my energy and time that I have to give.
What I want to avoid going forward is falsely telling my old college buddy (e.g.) that we will catch up next week and then I forget about it or simply don't have the time or desire to talk to him and put it off another week and another week, etc. and then feel bad about what a "bad friend" I am. The point is, I guess, is that there will never be a good time, because I just don't care about them that much anymore.
Letting them know this as written above seems a little too blunt and unnecessarily mean. But I also don't really want to lie, this question is about stopping a lie. Help? Is there a script for this situation? Did you do this and did it work out? Do you regret it?
Possibly relevant: I'm 29, male, not depressed and not anti-social in a general sense, but I am an introvert. This is not a rash decision and has been bugging me for awhile. This situation applies to maybe 8 people in my life ranging from old high school through college friends and some random current people who I formed friendships with and haven't fallen away naturally. Most live out of town and still seem to want some sort of regular contact. I would like them to either accept occasional contact or none at all. I DO have friends from this time period I am happy with--they send an email every few months and we endeavor to meet up around once a year when we are in the same city. This is my ideal friend situation and the level of commitment I am comfortable with for casual friends at this point in my life.
I already know I'm a jerk, I just want to be an honest jerk. Thanks!
"Oh, Joe, so good to hear from you...wow, down to a 2 handicap, that's great...hey, Joe, hate to be so short but I'm about to fly out the door and I've got so much on my plate, I don't know when I'll have time to catch up. I'll try to give you a call when things calm down."
posted by Snarl Furillo at 1:24 PM on December 18, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by Snarl Furillo at 1:24 PM on December 18, 2012 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I have a slightly different perspective on the situation you're describing:
It looks to me like you want to set expectations appropriately, and to follow through on them; maybe it's not that you don't have time for these friends in your life ever, but they want an hour a week, and you have an hour a year. Can you say "look, I'm really busy these days. Can we catch up in a couple of months?" and follow through? Can you say "Just to level-set, I only have ten minutes to talk," and then get off the phone?
This doesn't make you a jerk. But saying "I don't have time for you" is different from setting expectations fairly. Unless you actually want to alienate the person.
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 1:26 PM on December 18, 2012 [6 favorites]
It looks to me like you want to set expectations appropriately, and to follow through on them; maybe it's not that you don't have time for these friends in your life ever, but they want an hour a week, and you have an hour a year. Can you say "look, I'm really busy these days. Can we catch up in a couple of months?" and follow through? Can you say "Just to level-set, I only have ten minutes to talk," and then get off the phone?
This doesn't make you a jerk. But saying "I don't have time for you" is different from setting expectations fairly. Unless you actually want to alienate the person.
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 1:26 PM on December 18, 2012 [6 favorites]
Best answer: You don't need to break up with them; just keep telling them you're busy (with no free time in sight) and you can't hang out, or you can't talk right now, etc. You don't have to respond to every email or text, and you don't have to pick up every call. In my opinion, it's better to have friends think "well, I guess Frank is too busy for me" rather than go by "well, it looks like Frank doesn't like me anymore and I know because he told me as much."
posted by griphus at 1:27 PM on December 18, 2012 [13 favorites]
posted by griphus at 1:27 PM on December 18, 2012 [13 favorites]
I guess I'm not clear from your question whether you're trying to end the friendships entirely or whether you want them on your terms. The strategy will be different depending on the answer, obviously.
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 1:27 PM on December 18, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 1:27 PM on December 18, 2012 [1 favorite]
Do you regret it?
Be careful and make a concentrated effort to be actively in touch with the people you do want to be in touch with. Even though you're not big on friends -- which is totally cool -- you don't want to end up in a situation where you faded on the people who want to hang with you, and the people with whom you want to hang faded on you.
posted by griphus at 1:32 PM on December 18, 2012 [6 favorites]
Be careful and make a concentrated effort to be actively in touch with the people you do want to be in touch with. Even though you're not big on friends -- which is totally cool -- you don't want to end up in a situation where you faded on the people who want to hang with you, and the people with whom you want to hang faded on you.
posted by griphus at 1:32 PM on December 18, 2012 [6 favorites]
Best answer: Its good to be there for people, and compassionate, when they need you. That's what we call a guideline, and it is a good one.
No such guideline applies to humoring needy people. Yet we go to metafilter and ask questions like yours. We don't even act like it's a guideline, we act as if it's the law.
This is wrong. Not hanging out with people who steal the time from your life requires no excuse. No meanness either, mind you, so you're basically on the right track. Indeed: just fade.
posted by Namlit at 1:37 PM on December 18, 2012
No such guideline applies to humoring needy people. Yet we go to metafilter and ask questions like yours. We don't even act like it's a guideline, we act as if it's the law.
This is wrong. Not hanging out with people who steal the time from your life requires no excuse. No meanness either, mind you, so you're basically on the right track. Indeed: just fade.
posted by Namlit at 1:37 PM on December 18, 2012
What I want to avoid going forward is falsely telling my old college buddy (e.g.) that we will catch up next week and then I forget about it or simply don't have the time or desire to talk to him and put it off another week and another week, etc. and then feel bad about what a "bad friend" I am.
If this is the situation you're dealing with, then you don't make the promise to catch up, and you just stop calling. I mean, with some of my friends "talk soon" means "sometime in the next 3 months to a year or so" and "we should really get together soon" means "we should continue to talk about how we miss each other and fail to implement any kind of plan to actually meet up." We know that we still value each other, but life is demanding and we're not #1 on each others' priority list.
If you've got people harassing you for attention, a polite distance is harder to maintain without feeling bad, but people capable of taking a hint will respond to the implicit boundary you set by simply reducing your response rate. If you've got repeat boundary violators, things get more complicated, and for the family member in my life who's hard to get off the phone, I use an approach like Snarl Furillo's.
posted by EvaDestruction at 1:43 PM on December 18, 2012 [1 favorite]
If this is the situation you're dealing with, then you don't make the promise to catch up, and you just stop calling. I mean, with some of my friends "talk soon" means "sometime in the next 3 months to a year or so" and "we should really get together soon" means "we should continue to talk about how we miss each other and fail to implement any kind of plan to actually meet up." We know that we still value each other, but life is demanding and we're not #1 on each others' priority list.
If you've got people harassing you for attention, a polite distance is harder to maintain without feeling bad, but people capable of taking a hint will respond to the implicit boundary you set by simply reducing your response rate. If you've got repeat boundary violators, things get more complicated, and for the family member in my life who's hard to get off the phone, I use an approach like Snarl Furillo's.
posted by EvaDestruction at 1:43 PM on December 18, 2012 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: I guess I'm not clear from your question whether you're trying to end the friendships entirely or whether you want them on your terms. The strategy will be different depending on the answer, obviously.
Maybe I'm not exactly clear, either. I would ideally like to tone down all of my non-essential friendships to the minimal ideal I stated above. I realize, however, that having it all on my terms, especially for people who NEED more contact from me, isn't necessarily fair. In that case though, I'm not really willing to compromise so I'd rather have nothing than to have it on their terms. This actually is the most pressing case of the 8 or so I listed. I have 1 friend in particular who simply seems to require an hourly catch up call on a near weekly basis. If we don't have it, and if we go three weeks without it I know I need to have a good excuse ready.
I've tried to assert myself on my desire for less contact with him and failed, probably because I find ending the friendship completely a bit harsh.
posted by the foreground at 1:59 PM on December 18, 2012
Maybe I'm not exactly clear, either. I would ideally like to tone down all of my non-essential friendships to the minimal ideal I stated above. I realize, however, that having it all on my terms, especially for people who NEED more contact from me, isn't necessarily fair. In that case though, I'm not really willing to compromise so I'd rather have nothing than to have it on their terms. This actually is the most pressing case of the 8 or so I listed. I have 1 friend in particular who simply seems to require an hourly catch up call on a near weekly basis. If we don't have it, and if we go three weeks without it I know I need to have a good excuse ready.
I've tried to assert myself on my desire for less contact with him and failed, probably because I find ending the friendship completely a bit harsh.
posted by the foreground at 1:59 PM on December 18, 2012
If we don't have it, and if we go three weeks without it I know I need to have a good excuse ready.
What are the consequences of not having an excuse outside of "dude, I'm busy"? It sounds like the absolutely worst-case-scenario here is that he won't want to be friends which, honestly, is one of your "not ideal, but I'll take it" scenarios. For people who desperately need attention, less is more. The more you try to assert your inability to give him time, the more time you actually give him. If you're not a bored teenager, an hour on the phone is a serious imposition, socially.
posted by griphus at 2:06 PM on December 18, 2012 [2 favorites]
What are the consequences of not having an excuse outside of "dude, I'm busy"? It sounds like the absolutely worst-case-scenario here is that he won't want to be friends which, honestly, is one of your "not ideal, but I'll take it" scenarios. For people who desperately need attention, less is more. The more you try to assert your inability to give him time, the more time you actually give him. If you're not a bored teenager, an hour on the phone is a serious imposition, socially.
posted by griphus at 2:06 PM on December 18, 2012 [2 favorites]
Best answer: That's the "fun" of boundaries. You get to set what you need and the people on the other end of boundaries may not like them. I am sorry that you have had a challenging experience. If you explain them honestly, how other people respond is on them, ultimately. If you have already had the "Listen, dude, I really appreciate how we have been there for each other. And, I just need to have a chat about how we communicate moving forward. I only have so much personal energy and time, which I am sure you understand, and my family is my priority right now. I know you may want me to be there for you more now, but I cannot be - I need to focus on myself. And I know this may be hard to hear, but I respect you and would rather have this honest conversation than be a friend who flakes on you or slowly disappears. I would appreciate your support in this. And regardless, I have to take these steps to take care of myself now. I do not know if it will be a month or a year when I feel as though I have the presence to be a friend. And I am asking you to trust that I need this time to devote to other parts of my life. I would rather be a good/honest friend, then a bad friend to you" conversation (that is what I would say to a friend) and if they get angry or do not respect the boundaries I set, then I feel comfortable ignoring them or saying, firmly, "You are not respecting my boundaries. I tried to explain them to you and I do not feel respected or comfortable with how you are treating me. I am not going to respond to you." I do not think that honesty is harsh when your intentions are good and you explain things in kind ways. I definitely do not think it is mean to decide that your energy is more valuable when being shared with other people. I just think the communication is key.
posted by anya32 at 2:07 PM on December 18, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by anya32 at 2:07 PM on December 18, 2012 [3 favorites]
This is why I find Facebook so satisfying. I can share pithy one-liners and pictures of my cats with all of my friends, former co-workers, people I knew in high school, etc.
I'm getting to the point where I can't STAND being on the phone with people, but my friends are pretty cool. My favorite thing is to give someone about ten minutes and then say, "It's so good to catch up with you. Call me the next time you're in town. I'm going to let you go now I've got to start dinner." My sister and I will natter until one of us says, "I got nothin'" or "Hey my show's coming on." or "Dude, I need some kitty petting time, I'll catch you later."
When you get the calls, don't be afraid to tell them up front, "I'm absolutely slammed, but I can give you a couple minutes before my next crisis." Then when you feel the time is up, just say, "Dude, got a situation here, I'll catch you soon." Then hang up.
I like having people in my life who I've known for over 30 years.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 2:27 PM on December 18, 2012 [1 favorite]
I'm getting to the point where I can't STAND being on the phone with people, but my friends are pretty cool. My favorite thing is to give someone about ten minutes and then say, "It's so good to catch up with you. Call me the next time you're in town. I'm going to let you go now I've got to start dinner." My sister and I will natter until one of us says, "I got nothin'" or "Hey my show's coming on." or "Dude, I need some kitty petting time, I'll catch you later."
When you get the calls, don't be afraid to tell them up front, "I'm absolutely slammed, but I can give you a couple minutes before my next crisis." Then when you feel the time is up, just say, "Dude, got a situation here, I'll catch you soon." Then hang up.
I like having people in my life who I've known for over 30 years.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 2:27 PM on December 18, 2012 [1 favorite]
Just be careful that you're not doing the "I'm a grown-up now, and I'm too busy for this silliness!" lockstep thing that a lot of people do in their late twenties and early thirties.
That having been said, expecting a regular hour-long catch-up call is insane. Maybe you have one really need friend you need to fade out on? And Griphus is right - just say that you're busy. No need to elaborate further.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 2:53 PM on December 18, 2012 [3 favorites]
That having been said, expecting a regular hour-long catch-up call is insane. Maybe you have one really need friend you need to fade out on? And Griphus is right - just say that you're busy. No need to elaborate further.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 2:53 PM on December 18, 2012 [3 favorites]
I've started telling people, at natural breaking points like one of us moving out of town: "I am terrible at keeping in touch, but if we're ever in the same place at the same time, I'll be so happy to see you -- even if we haven't talked in 10 or 20 years!" This has been well received.
Your issue sounds a little different from mine (I'd rather focus my friend-energy on people who I can semi-regularly see in person, phone calls/facebook = ugh), but maybe you can come up with a similar statement that revolves around your appreciation of the relationship but is constructed to implicitly lay out your expectations and boundaries.
posted by ecsh at 3:46 PM on December 18, 2012
Your issue sounds a little different from mine (I'd rather focus my friend-energy on people who I can semi-regularly see in person, phone calls/facebook = ugh), but maybe you can come up with a similar statement that revolves around your appreciation of the relationship but is constructed to implicitly lay out your expectations and boundaries.
posted by ecsh at 3:46 PM on December 18, 2012
I'm about your age and kind of wanting to do the opposite in my own life and am trying to reach out and form stronger bonds with my current and old friends as I'm realizing work and a husband aren't enough to make me happy. If I was one of the friends you felt you didn't have time for, I think I'd appreciate you just telling me the straight up truth like you state it here. I think they way you've phrased it in your post makes it non-personal yet leaves no room for misunderstanding. That way people won't be wasting time trying to make plans with you or getting their feelings hurt when you always turn them down.
posted by Jess the Mess at 5:27 PM on December 18, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by Jess the Mess at 5:27 PM on December 18, 2012 [2 favorites]
Joined metafilter today to ask a very similar question, learned I can't for another week. Having looked around for similar advice the past few days, I'm favoring the respectful, direct route anya32 advises, with the fact in mind that as long as you have sound intentions, you're not responsible for your friend's emotions, and even when being authentic is painful, it's hard to genuinely regret in the future.
Having decided that, I still find myself raking over details like whether it's appropriate to make the break when I'm a host at my apt, or how to manipulate my rhetoric to soften the blow or some shit. In the vein of "friendship is never owed"*, there is no standard, "a priori" way of doing this, nor are there correct answers. There is only effectiveness and quality thereof. If you believe you're being reasonable, then the only additional thing you might need is encouragement.
*even in spite of constant pretending, smiling through the pain, and promises tailored to appear genuine, friendship is never owed.
posted by dalmau at 10:59 AM on December 20, 2012
Having decided that, I still find myself raking over details like whether it's appropriate to make the break when I'm a host at my apt, or how to manipulate my rhetoric to soften the blow or some shit. In the vein of "friendship is never owed"*, there is no standard, "a priori" way of doing this, nor are there correct answers. There is only effectiveness and quality thereof. If you believe you're being reasonable, then the only additional thing you might need is encouragement.
*even in spite of constant pretending, smiling through the pain, and promises tailored to appear genuine, friendship is never owed.
posted by dalmau at 10:59 AM on December 20, 2012
This thread is closed to new comments.
If you are eager to tell people this straight out, then you probably do want to be "unnecessarily mean".
If so, own it. If not, just fade.
posted by tel3path at 1:24 PM on December 18, 2012 [2 favorites]