Jealous, Possessive FWB
December 14, 2012 9:33 AM Subscribe
My FWB is Jekyll and Hyde, acting like a jealous boyfriend, then rationalizing it. When I try to talk to him about it he goes into denial. Help?
posted by sucky_poppet to Human Relations (31 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite
We've been sleeping together for about a year and a half. At first, I was hoping to have a real relationship with him, but he kept insisting that he didn't want that, in a general sense. He has not had a girlfriend in 12 years, but has had a lot of undefined partnerships, some monogamous and some not. He says he is simply not wired for long-term relationships.
I accepted this reluctantly but eventually I got used to it and now it's pretty much what I want from him. We both saw other people along the way and had many talks about how neither of us are the jealous type. I tend to be poly-ish anyway.
Along the way, we drifted into a noncommittal monogamy. We both seemed to be on the same page with our attitude: we enjoy each other's company and sex together, but we're not restricting each other from other partners. But right now, neither of us want to bother with looking for anyone else.
We have both said we love each other. We haven't really said "in" love, and we both tell other friends we love them too. For me, it's a bit of a gray area and I don't see love as only for someone you'd want to marry or whatever.
However, here's the Jekyll and Hyde part: he has insisted at times that he doesn't love me, because he "doesn't do that anymore with anyone." When he says he loves me, he just blurts it out like he can't help it. When he says he doesn't, he's in one of his rationalizing moods. He will say things like "looks like I have a girlfriend even though I don't really want one." I have never referred to myself as his GF and I don't pressure him. In fact, I need a lot more alone time than he does and I am far from clingy or demanding.
He has told me he "knows I am in love with him." I have felt that way at times, especially early on. He's known all along that he could make it official so it's not like he's resisting because of me.
Twice now, he has acted jealous despite his self-image that he doesn't have a jealous bone in his body. When I tell other people about this behavior, they say he acts like he owns me, and I feel that way too. I really hate it.
Both times were times when we didn't have plans for the evening and I had plans with a male platonic friend (different guys) instead. FWB called me and I told him I couldn't talk because I was hanging out with the other person.
The first time he sent a snarky email, to which I replied with kindness because I thought he was hurt. It seemed to smooth things over. However, he bent over backwards to assure me it "wasn't about jealousy" and to tell me he didn't care if I hung out with or slept with other guys.
Operating on that assumption, I made plans with this other fellow a couple of nights ago (again, purely platonic). FWB called late, sounding drunk, and when I told him I couldn't talk because I was hanging out with Guy Pal, he hung up on me. Shortly thereafter, he texted me to say he was never going to speak to me again.
I was very angry and didn't reply. He texted me an apology yesterday morning, and then called and left a message. Both times he was very conciliatory, and claimed to be in a bad mood that had nothing to do with me. Finally I sent him a text back saying I would talk to him after I had calmed down. I really don't want to say anything I'll regret, because we are friends, but I think that's a really shitty way to treat someone.
He set up these rules for our relationship, but when I follow them, he gets pissed off. I'm expecting him to keep giving lip service to the whole non-jealousy thing, but I really don't believe it.
I don't know what to do. I don't expect him to be honest with himself. I expect more of the same "setting me up to fail" crap. What he has told me about his relationship history makes me think I'm one in a long line of non-girlfriends he developed feelings for and then got angry at them for it.
At one time I would have simply been his GF, had he wanted that. But now I'm so sick of his crap that I'm thinking of breaking it off. Even if he were my BF he wouldn't have the right to be so jealous of my friendships.
How do I have this conversation with him when he won't even acknowledge his behavior for what it is? And if it's DTMFA time, it's a bit too LTR-ish for the Miko script, so what are some things I can say to end this gracefully?