How do I break up with a therapist?

December 14, 2012 6:55 AM

How do I break up with a therapist?

I started seeing two different therapists several weeks ago so that I could ensure that at least one would be a good long term fit. Now I've decided which of the two meets my needs best, and I need to tell the other that I won't be seeing her any longer. How do I do it? Everything I come up with seems either too detailed, too apologetic, or too light on the why aspect. Also, I will be emailing her. Thanks, everyone!

posted by cheeserk to Health & Fitness (13 answers total)

Best answer: Hi Therapist 2:

I wanted to let you know that I will be ending my sessions with you. I appreciate sincerely the time you've made for me and the opportunity to work with you, but ultimately feel I am a better fit with Therapist 1. I wish you all the best this holiday season and in your practice in the new year.

Sincerely,
Cheeserk
posted by DarlingBri at 6:58 AM on December 14, 2012 [11 favorites]

Just stop going?

I mean, I admire your solicitousness but these people are working for you and if you don't need them anymore you don't have to explain why.
posted by atrazine at 7:10 AM on December 14, 2012 [7 favorites]

What atrazine said. I struggled with how to break up with mine a while ago and with remembering that I am in charge of my relationship with my therapist. You can send a thank you note if you want - if your experience is like mine, you probably schedule an appointment at the end of the session. I would then either do one of two things: tell her pointblank (and remember, you don't have to give a reason if you don't want to) or wait and leave her a voicemail canceling your next session and saying simply that you found another therapist when you suspect she's in another session (that's the passive response and probably, sadly, what I would choose - maybe I need more therapy after all!).
posted by Nemtynakht at 7:32 AM on December 14, 2012

A therapist is not just a service provider, she or he is someone with whom you have a personal relationship. I think your instinct to send a note is what's most appropriate.
posted by DarlingBri at 7:49 AM on December 14, 2012 [5 favorites]

What DarlingBri said. This is a relationship. Calling her a "service provider" doesn't make it any less of one. DarlingBri's note is perfect.
posted by DMelanogaster at 7:53 AM on December 14, 2012 [3 favorites]

i would feel shady about doing this but you could just cancel the next appointment and ... not schedule another one.
posted by kat518 at 8:54 AM on December 14, 2012 [1 favorite]

There is a reason you would feel shady about it. Therapy is about building better relationships. So start with the therapist! Don't treat this person in a fashion that would make you feel shady!

(from our Department of Sheesh!)

(IANYT)
posted by DMelanogaster at 9:06 AM on December 14, 2012 [1 favorite]

If you are ever in this position again, it would be better to disclose up front that you are starting out with two therapists to figure out who is a better fit. Most therapists will be completely fine with this - seeing two therapists long term is often frowned upon, but a couple sessions with a couple therapists to pick is common.

Then, it will be very easy when you choose one therapist to go with - you would be able to just give the other one a heads-up that you chose.
posted by insectosaurus at 9:20 AM on December 14, 2012 [1 favorite]

I would not characterize the relationship you have with a therapist as "personal". In fact, the therapist has rules against that.

Rather, giving a polite explanation is just the decent thing to do in any interaction, professional or otherwise. Kudos to you for observing this convention. You are within your rights to "just stop going", but that's not nice.

Regardless, you should not feel obliged to provide a detailed explanation. I would not mention that you are seeing the other therapist.
posted by wutangclan at 10:49 AM on December 14, 2012 [2 favorites]

Courtesy is never wrong. A simple note will suffice, without detailed rationalization: This [other therapist] seems to be a better fit for me..

If the quality of your sessions is an issue, you might say so, but briefly, as in: I was uncomfortable talking with you for reasons that are not clear to me.

I wouldn't worry too much about that part, though.

You don't need permission, and you don't owe an apology.
posted by mule98J at 12:07 PM on December 14, 2012

wutangclan is right: it is NOT a personal relationship; it's a professional relationship.

You do NOT owe your therapist anything other than money and meeting appointments responsibly. (You owe yourself quite a lot of things regarding therapy behavior, but that's another topic.)

I just did this, BTW, and called my former therapist to explain why I hadn't rescheduled after missing my last-scheduled meeting. That was out of respect, and for my self-respect (file under "owe yourself quite a lot of things..."), but it wasn't necessary. It was nice.

Basically, I said what DarlingBri suggested in the first post. NBD.
posted by IAmBroom at 12:10 PM on December 14, 2012

I have done this keep it simple, tell them you don't wish to continue and thank them for seeing you.
posted by ibakecake at 4:50 PM on December 14, 2012

If you have an appointment scheduled with the one you are dropping, don't just not show up. As noted repeatedly above, a short two sentence email noting that you will not be continuing the relationship is all.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 7:27 PM on December 14, 2012