To reproduce, or GTFO, that is the question.
December 13, 2012 12:38 PM Subscribe
Can someone help explain my boyfriend to me? Special snowflake, yadda yadda, you are not my (or his!) therapist, etc.
posted by domo to Human Relations (55 answers total) 12 users marked this as a favorite
I do not want to get pregnant. The idea is pretty repellant to me. My boyfriend knows this about me, and has known for years. When we first started dating I told him I'd think about having kids at 28, which seemed like a lifetime away. We have been together for seven years now, living together for five, and in his house for two (I basically pay rent).
He has occasionally responded to my comments about pregnancy by suggesting I may change my mind in future and that I'd make a great mother. We usually agree to disagree until it comes up again.
I asked him a couple of months ago to tell me exactly what his thoughts on procreation were and to my surprise, he said that he absolutely -without question- was going to be a (biological) father someday.
I told him that I didn't want to have a kid, and he said he couldn't see being a father right now, either. He is prepared to wait until he does want to be a father to take any action about it.
I've been getting increasingly agitated because I like our lives as they are. He says he does too.
The thing that worries me is that I'll be 28 soon and we haven't decided anything.
Sometimes I think kids are pretty neat and maybe adoption wouldn't be so bad, but he does not want to adopt. He doesn't want a surrogate, either.
I feel like parenthood changes your life irrevocably and that I will be primarily responsible for them. I don't want to be wishy-washy about having kids and then be the only one taking care of them.
He has a job that requires travel. In fact, he is probably going to work over Christmas this year.
I'd like to get married, but I don't want to stand in the way of him being a father. I won't marry him if we don't agree on this, even though I REALLY want to be married to him.
He does not want to get married, but he assures me that he will stay with me for the rest of my life and that he would rather not have kids if it meant we had to split.
I don't believe him. I think he's comfortable with the way things are now and doesn't want to rock the boat (this conversation took place after I got really drunk and cried because he has never proposed to me). Yeah.
We're not getting any younger, but we still have some years to decide before fertility starts to be an issue.
I like our lives now. I love him. I like that I get to have some time to myself when he travels. I love his family. He doesn't understand why this upsets me so, since he "doesn't want kids now".
Can he really not care about his future? I mean, he's very laid back and "lives in the moment", but I'm showing my crazy more and more because I need a plan, y'all. I feel like I've been holding back, keeping things separate (like the house, although we are beneficiaries of each others 401K and life insurance plans) until I knew for sure what the plan was.
We talk about moving to Denver in a few years, having my parents move up there too. Both sets of parents want grandchildren (big surprise), and the assumption is that we're waiting until this move to "get married and have babies". I want to die every time someone mentions this, because I have a feeling my boyfriend is expecting this too.
I want to resolve this before we move, but I don't want to get into another "lets agree to disagree" or a "we'll see how we feel about it later" conversation.