Advanced sex for dummies

December 6, 2012 6:54 PM

For christmas, I'd like to be able to make my girlfriend orgasm, and would appreciate some help.

I've started seeing a girl who I think has to be the most comfortably sexual person I've ever met. She loves to masturbate and does so frequently, intitiates sex with me all the time, and will literally try anything in bed. I've done things with her that are probably pretty modest as far as kinks go really but I still can't believe I can say I've done in real life and not just fantasy.

The reason I've included that is not to brag or to turn this into a letter to penthouse but because as far as she's aware, my girlfriend's never actually had an orgasm, either alone or with someone else. It's definitely not for lack of trying or because she's uncomfortable or uptight. Very occasionally she says it's a little bit more intense and then she gets tired, but has never had anything happen where she can definitely say "I just came."

Are there any resources people can point me towards that'll give me some ideas on how to get her off? Or any specific sex toys we could try?

Failing that, is there really a percentage of women who just never orgasm but still enjoy sex anyway?

Thanks in advance for your help, it's an awkward question I know.

posted by anonymous to human relations (27 answers total)

My only suggestion is not to tell her that's what your plan is. "Time for you to have an orgasm!" Is not conducive to orgasm making.
posted by cmoj at 6:59 PM on December 6, 2012 [19 favorites]

Vibrator. Get one with varying speeds. The little bullet ones are fun because you can use them in many delightful ways. They're usually pretty inexpensive, too (like under $20).

But the vibrator will be a pretty unusual sensation, and it'll be easy for her to get overwhelmed with the amount of sensation. I remember not understanding the sensation at all, and assuming that I had gotten there simply because it was so intense. But once it actually happened... yeah, I knew what it was then, all right.

So get a vibrator and maybe give it to her to use to find out some of the specific places and levels that she enjoys. GO SLOW. BE PATIENT. Have fun, and don't ramp up the pressure. (And speaking of the pressure: death grip happens for girls, too. BE NICE TO YOUR PARTS, LADEEZ.)
posted by Madamina at 7:01 PM on December 6, 2012

"Make" is not a productive word to use here. You may be able to HELP her do it, but you cannot MAKE her do it.

I give this book 60% of the credit for my first orgasm- you should get it for her, and both of you should read it. It really opened my eyes and changed some of my preconceptions (for example, I'm not a broken half-woman who will never know true pleasure). (The other 40% was a Rabbit vibe and being blazed out of my skull.) Now I can do it alone, but still very rarely with men. Many women find it easier to figure out by themselves- there may not be a trick you can use on her that will give her an orgasm.
posted by showbiz_liz at 7:05 PM on December 6, 2012 [21 favorites]

I would just make sure that she is on board with this plan. There are a certain percentage of women who just don't orgasm during sex, and she may be OK with being in that percentage. Don't "pressure" her into it if it is not something she feels is missing from her sexuality.
posted by Rock Steady at 7:07 PM on December 6, 2012 [2 favorites]

If she masturbates and has never had an orgasm, I think this is not really a goal you can achieve. Sorry.

Also, I would agree with Rock Steady -- if she's masturbating and not coming and keeps masturbating because she enjoys it or whatever, your girlfriend is likely OK with her sexuality the way it is.

Toys a la the Rabbit vibe might be a fun Christmas present, though, just in general, and because who wouldn't want a nice sex toy that isn't secretly about something else?
posted by Sara C. at 7:15 PM on December 6, 2012 [3 favorites]

Coming from the point of view of someone who isn't sure if she's ever orgasmed and is okay with it and enjoys sex regardless, this would probably be more stressful/annoying than nice because I'd feel like if I didn't have an orgasm I'm disappointing you and faking it is just lying about it. Not having definitive orgasms doesn't mean sex isn't good and your girlfriend sounds like she wouldn't have a problem telling you if it did bother her.

It is absolutely great that you want to make her feel good, but maybe ask her what kinks or positions she wants to try or likes best and do that. Figure out what she likes best and do that and don't worry about the orgasm. If she doesn't have a vibrator, I think they are totally awesome and one of the best inventions ever, but it might be something you'd want to check in with her first, because not all woman like them.
posted by raeka at 7:17 PM on December 6, 2012 [9 favorites]

Is she on a medication that's preventing her from orgasming? Barring that, does her sexual openness extend to sex toys? Don't say anything about orgasm when you're trying this. Even a seemingly-sexy "come for me" or something like that. It'll be too much pressure. If she doesn't know how to do it herself there's probably not much you can do other than to keep trying new things.
posted by Autumn at 7:21 PM on December 6, 2012

Advanced sex for dummies: if you''re goal-oriented, you're doing it wrong.
posted by flabdablet at 7:24 PM on December 6, 2012 [29 favorites]

If she hasn't asked you for this thing, please do not try to give it to her.

Bringing an agenda to bed is only marginally more loving than bringing an STD. And "trying to give your partner an orgasm because s/he's never had one before and you're going to be the one to do it!" is one of the less "pleasant" agendas.
posted by seanmpuckett at 7:24 PM on December 6, 2012 [8 favorites]

This is super-duper-sweet of you, but it really does have the potential to turn into a XXX Gift of the Magi situation where each of you wanting to please the other (you by "giving" her an orgasm, her by having an orgasm in response to your ministrations) puts so much pressure on both of you that the Yule fire fizzles.

In addition to the fact that, yes, some women who enjoy sex don't orgasm during sex (and some don't orgasm at all), the intensity of orgasm varies within and between women. "More intense then tired" might well be her orgasm.

There's nothing in the world wrong with investigating your girl's orgasmic potential together, but making it a goal, and tying it to the emotionally-loaded holiday gift-giving season, especially if this goal-setting is unilateral (even with the best intentions in the world!), is unlikely to succeed. (Not impossible. For all I know, your sweetheart loves surprises and is mellow enough she doesn't really feel bedroom pressure. But many women and many couples would have difficulty navigating this situation.)

Also, and forgive me if this is obvious, but there's no guaranteed commonalities, here. Yes, clitoris. But some women actually can't tolerate direct clitoral contact because it's too intense or it hurts; some women hate the sensation of vibration; some women are bored by oral sex. You haven't missed a critical day of class or secret porn messages or anything, and if there's a credible resource that says "If you do (X) it will get N% of women off," I've never encountered it (and I know a bunch of human-sexuality professionals who would almost certainly have mentioned it to me.)
posted by gingerest at 7:29 PM on December 6, 2012 [3 favorites]

Is the only part of sex you enjoy the orgasm? I bet you like the other stuff, too? Plenty of people (men and women) get off on sex and sexytimes without getting off.
posted by rosa at 7:55 PM on December 6, 2012

a XXX Gift of the Magi situation

I'd totally watch that porno.

....anyway: OP, I think you're getting the memo that trying to Make An Orgasm Happen Or Bust isn't quite the right mindset; it could totally backfire on you because you'd end up giving her performance anxiety instead, which would have the opposite effect.

But giving her a sex toy of some kind just because...THAT could work, because you can still have fun with some of those things even if no one has an orgasm. So get her a toy - maybe she'll come, maybe she won't, but it's still gonna be damn fun.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:10 PM on December 6, 2012 [6 favorites]

Also fun: shopping for toys together in your local shmancy (or skeevy if you like) sex shop. Then you can be sure she's getting something she likes, so to speak.
posted by justjess at 8:38 PM on December 6, 2012

Buy her a good quality vibrator. Let her use it on her own and in her own good time. This may change her life.
posted by murfed13 at 9:49 PM on December 6, 2012

Previously

It is the same exact question. The tags are "first" and "orgasm." Seems this would have come up in a search.
posted by kellybird at 10:21 PM on December 6, 2012

>>a XXX Gift of the Magi situation

>I'd totally watch that porno.

Well, it starts with cutting her hair...

Failing that, is there really a percentage of women who just never orgasm but still enjoy sex anyway?

Yes.

My partner sometimes has gazillions of orgasms while we have sex, to the point that I get super jealous. Other times she has none. As far as I can tell from asking her, she enjoys it both ways. Ditto from my previous partners.

Seriously, I'd suggest focusing on making sex good for her, and worrying much less, or not at all, about the orgasm, unless she brings it up. Sex can be great without an orgasm, and terrible with it. Make the sex awesome and she'll be happy having it with you; become goal oriented and make her feel bad about her lack of production (or worse, that she needs to fake it) and you have just committed sexual suicide.
posted by Forktine at 10:28 PM on December 6, 2012

Trying to give her this "gift" really just means putting loads of pressure on her and maybe even hinting to her that you're not satisfied with what's happening sexually with her now. I know you mean well but really, don't do this. Not a good gift at all.
posted by hazyjane at 10:57 PM on December 6, 2012 [5 favorites]

I agree with this not being a "gift" - there's something a bit...tacky...about giving a vibe for a Christmas Present

"So what did your boyfriend give you for Christmas?"
"Oh you know, The Rabbit"
"Oh...that's...nice"

When I first started using a vibrator, I bought it with my then boyfriend. We went to the store together, giggled at all the products and brought one that was non-threatening. It took awhile to get use to it but then I achieved my first orgasm (sadly, on my own while exploring) and haven't looked back since.

Don't get me wrong, orgasms are great - but the most frustrating sex I've had with new partners is when they're so focused on getting *me* there you kind of stop enjoying the act itself.

Relax and as you get to know each sexually and become more comfortable, things will happen. In the mean time, suggest getting a vibe. It's pretty nifty.
posted by Danithegirl at 8:58 AM on December 7, 2012 [1 favorite]

I like your attitude, and I suspect you and gf are young. Some women have trouble with the intensity of getting to orgasm. Approach it as "I would really like to help you have an orgasm; what do you say?" She sounds pretty sexually healthy and curious, so a combination of lots of foreplay, oral, toys, and letting her guide you will be fun, whether it results in orgasm or not.
posted by theora55 at 9:02 AM on December 7, 2012

I've done things with her that are probably pretty modest as far as kinks go really but I still can't believe I can say I've done in real life and not just fantasy.

Are you confident that you know what is satisfying for her? Because for MANY people, giving their partner the experience you described above is deeply fulfilling. She might be very happy giving you a safe space to explore.

You probably want to return her generosity here, which is the right sentiment. But really, the best way to approach this is to say to her "you've helped me explore so much, opened up new things for me. I'm really grateful and I'd like to do the same for you." Full stop. Maybe she'll offer things you can do, maybe she won't.

If she knows you really want to give her an orgasm, and for whatever reason she can't get there, then it becomes something she can't do for you. That's not a fun burden to carry.

Sex is at its best when its a space for people to feel safe exploring their desires, secret and otherwise. The best gift you can give her is to make sure she knows you accept her exactly as she is. No more. No less.
posted by dry white toast at 9:41 AM on December 7, 2012 [1 favorite]

I had a previous boyfriend who successfully pulled off what you're describing so it is possible. Here's what he did, if you're still committed to trying this (and the comments above raise some real challenges that you should take very, very seriously).

1. He suggested some toys that might be fun for me to play with, together with him or alone, but then told me to pick something I found appealing.

2. He gave me plenty of time to explore the sensation of a vibrator on my own, before we incorporated it into our time together.

3. Trying to make me come was just one of many activities we explored together. It didn't take over our sex life. This meant that neither of us got frustrated when it wasn't working...we just moved on to something else.

4. He let me set the pace of exploration, which was slow.

5. He said repeatedly that if it wasn't adding to my enjoyment of our sex, we shouldn't keep trying to make me come. He communicated on every possible occasion that he was very satisfied with things now, and I didn't need to come to make him happy.

6. He was patient. I cannot emphasize this one enough. It took, like, 6 months before I eventually came with him.

7. Once it happened, he was very understanding that there were only a few ways that I could come with him, and that most of our sex would still involve me not coming, and that this didn't mean I wasn't having fun.

And just generally, he was a very open and communicative partner, who actively checked in with me to make sure I was enjoying sex, and encouraged feedback on what was working and what wasn't - and gave that in return. I felt comfortable that there wasn't a hidden agenda because we'd already done the hard work of learning to communicate openly with each other around sex.

Good luck if you decide to try this - it's definitely advanced sex!
posted by psycheslamp at 11:50 AM on December 7, 2012 [4 favorites]

Sensate focus
posted by Ironmouth at 12:05 PM on December 7, 2012

go to reddit.com/r/sex FAQ, lot's of good tips there
http://www.reddit.com/r/sex/comments/xyq74/rsex_faqs_orgasm_troubles/
http://www.reddit.com/r/sex/comments/yr9ln/rsex_faqs_sexual_techniques/
posted by MechEng at 12:28 PM on December 7, 2012

Speaking as a woman who (as far as I can tell) had never had a full-on capital-O orgasm before my now-husband and I got together (even with masturbation): Please, please, PLEASE drop the idea/goal/target of "making your girlfriend orgasm". Drop it like a hot potato. Drop it like a turd. Drop it like it's a microphone and you're making a dramatic exit.

Seriously, drop it.

Let go of the goal of "I want to make my girlfriend have an orgasm". Focus, instead, on "I will be mindful and present whenever my girlfriend and I are being intimate." Focus on having a good time with whatever the two of you are doing and on making sure she's enjoying herself.

Goal-oriented sucks. "Is my partner having a good time in this moment?" is amazingly arousing.

Focus on that and some day, you too (like my husband did) may find yourself with a sweaty, blissfully-fuzzy partner blinking happily at you and saying "Oh… so that's what all the fuss is all about!"
posted by Lexica at 8:49 PM on December 7, 2012

You can't and shouldn't. It's understandable that you'd want to try, but don't.
posted by ead at 11:55 PM on December 7, 2012

I once dated a girl who was not exactly wired like other girls I've met. No matter how good, long, passionnate or technical my breasts fondling efforts were she was not reacting to it with arousal. On the other hand, skull/hair fondling had a much better effect on her sex drive.

This peculiar behaviour had its origins in her pre-teen history. I don't feel comfortable adding possibly identifying details here.

How bothered by her non-orgasm is your girlfriend ?

One or both of this roads may or may not lead your girlfriend to orgasm :1) the physical road with vibrators, candles, hot romantic baths, massage oils etc. 2) the "brain is the most erotic organ" road with seeing a shrink that has a track records in helping people with their sex lives.

Oh and reading this cannot hurt.
posted by Baud at 7:10 AM on December 8, 2012

From a member who prefers to remain anonymous:

I was also an early and often masturbator but thought I never really 'got' what an orgasm was because I never had that feeling I read about in romance novels. I think that actually that feeling of intensity and then tiredness might be orgasms, and she's just so used to it it doesn't occur to her to think that *that* could be the thing that everybody's talking about, when it comes so easily and naturally to her. Not everyone's orgasms are the same and one person's orgasms can vary too. If she's enjoying sex with you and on her own, then maybe it's time to turn off the romance novel filter (for both of you) and just enjoy.

posted by restless_nomad at 1:51 PM on December 8, 2012