Is love in the hand worth more than motherhood in the bush?
December 6, 2012 8:15 AM Subscribe
Asking for a friend in Eastern Europe:
I am 45 years old and have been in an online relationship for the past two years with a man in Puerto Rico whom I met on a dating website. I want to marry him and have a child with him.
posted by Dragonness to human relations (44 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite
He is an academic in his early 50s, and has a teenage daughter from his first marriage. Ee are on Skype daily for long periods. We share all the minutiae of our day and consult each other on all our decisions, big and small. We are incredibly compatible in every way, and very much in love.
We’ve taken a few trips together, he came to visit me and met my family. I planned to visit him but my visa application was rejected (the reason given was I don’t have a strong case that I would return home). Instead we went on vacation to the Dominican Republic and stayed at his uncle's house.
We’ve been talking about our life together for a long time now, he even picked out baby names. The plan was for me to sell my business and move to Puerto Rico permanently as soon as we both were ready to take the plunge.
I told him a year ago that I was ready. He, on the other hand, needed more time. He would say we would make our decision the next time we met, and then the next time.
Now he says I need to stay a month with him to try it out before we can be sure. He is concerned that I will find it hard to adjust to the more modest living conditions in his country. He also says he feels a lot of pressure to have a baby. He says the baby issue is like the sword of Damocles hanging over his head. He says he doesn’t want another child after all. He says he just wants to be with me alone, have time together as a couple, that it would make no sense to dive into parenthood when we haven't been together alone for much at all.
I made it clear motherhood was really important to me. I love him, and it would break my heart to leave him but I do want a child and my time is running out. I’ve invested not just my heart and soul but quite possibly the last of my childbearing years into this relationship. I am upset that he made me believe for a long time that a child was an option. I am even considering 'accidentally' getting pregnant when I next see him.
Thinking rationally, the likelihood that I would meet someone else that I will love and get along with the way I do him seems slim. Raising a child on my own is also not something I can or want to do.
I need to decide if I should stay or move on.
I was supposed to visit for the holidays but have financial issues at the moment so I’ve postponed my trip. He can’t lend me money for the airline ticket as he is trying to sell his house and buy a condo.
Help me think this through.