My ex and I are still involved musically, and his current girlfriend is convinced that I hate her. She recently sent me an extremely creepy
email. My ex is passive to the extreme and won't take responsibility. What can I do to keep the peace and minimize my involvement, while still enjoying my band?
posted by lilypad to human relations (55 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite
I've been lurking on MeFi for a while, but now I need some advice of my own! I am a woman in my mid-20's living on the West Coast, FYI.
For a little background, I was together with my ex-boyfriend for 18 months. It was my first serious relationship, I was completely infatuated with him, and it seemed like we were heading towards marriage. I eventually started to have doubts about our compatibility, and the fact that I had really lost my sense of self in the midst of my infatuation for him. He let me know at the 18-month mark that he wanted to be married (in general) in the next 3 years, so we should be honest about our intentions. I knew I couldn't marry him, so I broke up with him. Our breakup was sad but kind, and we ended things while we were still very much deeply in love.
Now the complicated part: we are in a band together. We agreed to keep the band together, as we'd invested years of hard work to the project, and still had respect for each other. While the first few months post-breakup were awkward and touchy and a little overwrought, we slogged through rehearsals and shows and kept a very civil relationship.
Three weeks after our relationship ended, he started dating his current girlfriend (he is a serial monogamist). And two months into their relationship he brought her along to work on some of our band-related projects without prepping me ahead of time. As you can imagine, I was hurt and upset, she was beyond uncomfortable…and he was completely oblivious to the shit storm he had caused.
Anyway, my relationship with this girl started off on the wrong foot. And my ex never lifted a finger to introduce us or foster any kind of warmness between us. She kept coming back to shows or parties, and because I couldn’t figure out how to act around her, I kept my distance. After a few months, my ex starts telling me that she thinks that I hate her, and he requests that I make an effort to welcome her. I was still stinging from what had felt like the most grueling, dragged-out breakup in history, and let him know bluntly that, while I would try my best, it was ultimately up to him to be the keeper of his girlfriend’s feelings. I gave a shot at saying hello to her or striking up conversations a few times, but I was always met with glares or a cold shoulder, so I gave up pretty quickly and went back to keeping my distance. From this and a lot of other weird Facebook evidence, I started to gather that she was super infatuated with him in the way I had once been, but also monumentally insecure.
Even a year into this nonsense, my ex kept picking fights with me about my “rude behavior.” In reality, my rudeness amounted to my not reaching out to say hello to her. That was it. I finally promised that I would once again make a concerted effort to be polite and friendly, and in return he would never be allowed to bring up this topic again. For the last few months since we had that conversation, I have approached her at every show, said hello with a smile, and tried to joke around with her if the opportunity presented itself. It wasn’t easy for me, but I thought it was starting to work.
Until this weekend. While the entire band was in the recording studio this past weekend, she sent me a private Facebook message demanding to know why I had been so rude to her, and in essence threatened that if I didn’t change something she would have to take drastic action. This message was out-of-the-blue. It was creepy, inappropriate, and very upsetting. When I confronted him about the level of weirdness and inappropriateness of her message, he took her side on every single part of the issue, and refused to acknowledge that it was his mess that he created. He told me that I should talk it out with her, and that essentially it was not his problem.
This situation blew over earlier this week---she sent a tense and begrudging apology. I wrote her the kindest and most honest note I could muster, while assuring her I never intended to make her uncomfortable. But, now I don’t know how to act when we are in the same room! Obviously, she has some deep insecurities and even deeper issues that have nothing to do with me, and I can’t fix crazy. But I can’t for the life of me figure out how to deal with her at our upcoming events (we have a few next week!) I’ve been made the enemy in this situation by these two crazy, passive-aggressive people, and I don’t know what to do to minimize drama.
(And before you ask, yes, I realize this drama seems like it’s worth running away from. However, the actual band, as well as my personal relationship with my ex, is still a very positive part of my life that I don’t wish to give up just yet).
Help! Any suggestions on making sure I don’t make this any worse than it already is?