What's this red button do?

December 2, 2012 12:35 PM

Self-destruction: How do you manage to dig yourself out of the hole?

I'm a middle aged woman. I've seen psychologists and a psychiatrist. I might have ADD (according to psychologist) but those who know me find this unbelievable. When I am not in a committed relationship, I have unsafe sex practices - multiple partners without barrier protection. As much sex as I can get. And then some more.

I don't seem to be ever satisfied by enough sex. I'm addicted to nicotine, and alcohol. I freelance, but don't work often enough to make a living (choice - there's enough work there) and am chewing through my savings.

I have no and can't make plans. I can't think of what I want to do, other than be a wife, and I'm clearly not partner material (until I get myself together), and anyone who took me on could not be a genuine adult companion, as they would be taking on a crazy person.

I want a good life, but not sure how to make it. I don't know where to start. I don't know how to do it.

People who know me work wise think I'm funny and smart and have incredible worklife balance. Sex partners think I have a high libido, and an ability to compartmentalize. Family think I'm a little slack in not earning what I should and avoiding family do's. Doctors/psychologists etc listen to me explaining in multisyllabic words what I think is wrong with my life, and see me as a respectable middle aged woman (possibly one who has an overly prudish view of sex), not understanding that I sleep with as many guys as possible, and even on very short notice, without condoms, without alcohol. They don't seem to get me when I telling them I'm making inappropriate sexual choices.

I don't know what to do or who to turn to for help. Can you please advise me?

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (15 answers total)

If your therapist isn't listening to you when you say you feel that your sexual practices are unsafe and dangerous, find a new therapist.
posted by SkylitDrawl at 12:38 PM on December 2, 2012 [4 favorites]

Have you been assessed for bipolar disorder? Some of what you're describing sounds like possible symptoms of (hypo)mania.
posted by scody at 12:42 PM on December 2, 2012 [1 favorite]

Doctors/psychologists etc listen to me explaining in multisyllabic words what I think is wrong with my life, and see me as a respectable middle aged woman (possibly one who has an overly prudish view of sex), not understanding that I sleep with as many guys as possible, and even on very short notice, without condoms, without alcohol. They don't seem to get me when I telling them I'm making inappropriate sexual choices.

I don't understand this. You seem to be expressing the problem here in very-understandable English. What's the difference between what you're saying here and saying to them? If you are saying these words: "I sleep with as many guys as possible, and even on very short notice, without condoms, without alcohol." I don't get how they think you're prudish.

It sounds like there might be a deep disconnect going between the language you're using here and the language you choose to use with doctors, which might be more abstracted and more professional. I think you need to be using the words you use here, and that you need to be conveying them to a qualified psychiatrist and counselor (which may or may not be two separate people).

I think pick the professional you've been talking to who seems smartest and most sensitive, and tell them what you've said here. You're making perfectly good points toward needing help, but something seems like it's standing in the way of your getting it.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 1:04 PM on December 2, 2012 [4 favorites]

Bluntly: What are you avoiding/distracting yourself from? Discovering the answer will be the first step to moving past these compulsive behaviors.

Also, if these behaviors cycle in any fashion, I second getting checked for bipolar.
posted by zug at 1:41 PM on December 2, 2012

There are some key phrases that you can use with physicians and psychologists to clue them in to the actual pathology you're experiencing.

A few suggestions:
- "these behaviors are interfering with my quality of life"
- "these behaviors are making it impossible for me to be happy and live my life the way that I want to."
- "I'm taking unnecessary risks with my health and I can't stop, even though it's upsetting to me."
- "I get little enjoyment from doing these things, but I feel compelled to do them nonetheless."
- "Because of behaviors X, Y, and Z I am endangering my health, my finances, and my job. But I still can't stop them. I need help."

Repeat until the point gets across. And if the point still doesn't get across, my god, you need a new psychiatrist.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 1:53 PM on December 2, 2012 [3 favorites]

I don't seem to be ever satisfied by enough sex.

I'm not sure what this means. Is it "enough" by some standard? Are you satisfied in each encounter but need more encounters? Are you using sex as some sort of avoidance, but it's failing to sufficiently distract you?
posted by Obscure Reference at 2:00 PM on December 2, 2012

Why don't you give yourself a structured amount of time, say six months, to step back from relationships and sex and focus on learning more about overcoming addiction? Spend that time working enough to pay your bills but with your time earmarked mainly for focusing on the things that you mentioned here. Arm yourself with knowledge. Read everything you can about the things you want to change or address. Consider taking that time to quit drinking and smoking (all at one time is easier and less complicated that doing these things one at a time).

You will feel a lot more in control of your life if you tackle your addictions. Even just addressing them will help you feel less overwhelmed. Also consider changing your therapist. Or, at least tell them your take on your life as you have written it here. Maybe they aren't aware of the the way you are assessing things and are therefore missing some pretty big queues as to how you feel about yourself. If that isn't it, definitely try other therapist/s. In the meantime, tackle whatever it is that will make you feel better right now. Some of the things you mentioned take months.

As a data point, I was freelancing/underemployed when I quit smoking and drinking. I knew at the time it was 'now or never' in terms of being able to really focus on myself and get through the worst of it. If you are freelancing/woking less now, that that is ideal. Good luck to you.
posted by marimeko at 2:02 PM on December 2, 2012 [2 favorites]

People who know me work wise think I'm funny and smart and have incredible worklife balance. Sex partners think I have a high libido, and an ability to compartmentalize. Family think I'm a little slack in not earning what I should and avoiding family do's. Doctors/psychologists etc listen to me explaining in multisyllabic words what I think is wrong with my life, and see me as a respectable middle aged woman (possibly one who has an overly prudish view of sex), not understanding that I sleep with as many guys as possible, and even on very short notice, without condoms, without alcohol. They don't seem to get me when I telling them I'm making inappropriate sexual choices.

Also, this kind of jumps out at me: you are the one who feels you are making inappropriate choices. That's all that really matters or counts. Even if the best therapist in the world thought otherwise, you are not happy with the choices you have been making. This is something you need to make plain to your current doctor/therapist (or the new one). Acknowledging this is great because you aren't mired in any kind of denial.

[Re-reading your question, it seems like you know fairly specifically what you want to change in your life which is half the battle. It's just a matter of figuring out the best way to go about it. I started by reading books/watching docs = gathering information].
posted by marimeko at 2:46 PM on December 2, 2012

Can you think of what it takes to reach one goal you have (being a wife or "having things together"), and then think of what steps or elements would be needed to get there? You could go level by level, starting with the big goal, then the list of what it means to *be* or *have done* that thing, then the actual behaviors or patterns that comprise that, and then the little tiny steps, or even thought patterns, to start moving toward that.

If the goal is one that can be applied toward success in multiple areas, then it will be all right if you don't pick the "perfect" goal. For example, setting goals and cleaning up habits in order to reach goals may reach into other parts of your life.

I agree that perhaps something is strange with the professionals you've seen because if you say "Something is wrong and it's messing with my quality of life," then you need a good response to that. You should even be able to say, "I don't think you are responding to this need I expressed in the way I need you to." You can definitely talk back to mental health professionals.
posted by ramenopres at 3:26 PM on December 2, 2012

My first thought was bipolar as well, except for two telltales signs. The first is that often people who are bipolar do not know they're bipolar. They don't see that they have a problem – or that their behaviour is profoundly negative. There are of course exceptions. And you don't sound like you get the depression – which is the follow-on from the mania. With my admittedly limited understanding, there's typically much less self-awareness in bipolar.

The second sign was your high level of functioning and ability to compartmentalise. In the bipolar people that I've known, they have not been able to hold down normal jobs or interact in a continuous way in structured settings.

That being said, I agree it would be something good to check out, and at least cross off the list.

I read your words several times, and what I hear is someone who is well put-together, rather capable, and who has lost her future. The behaviour you describe sounds to be a form of both figuratively and literally consuming yourself. You're taking high risks (sexually and financially) for no perceivable outcome beyond momentary pleasures. You're not maximising your career earnings, despite being at a place in life where those earnings may well start decreasing in the foreseeable future. You're taking risks with your health without saying that you're really enjoying it. You did not say, "I have mind-blowing orgasms and I'm addicted to the attention of of men fawning over me". It sounds escapist and a rather dead end.

Then you say you just want to be a wife, yet that seems completely off the table at the moment as you're crazy. That is a sentiment which is de facto not true. Crazy people find each other, fall in love, get married, and sometimes have families, all the time. There's no law or rule against being married to a crazy person.

What it sounds like to me is that 1) you are not where you want to be in life, and 2) you do not see a way of getting to where you want to be in life anytime soon. The first is understandable, and I suppose part of the journey. The second is perhaps the larger issue. When we lose our futures, we concentrate on the present. You mention being addicted to cigarettes and alcohol, I would add sex to that list.

What those three things have in common is that they are shortcuts to rewards. Nicotine relieves stress instantly. Rather than fix the source of stress, have a smoke and forget about it for a moment. Alcohol lowers inhibitions. Those things that bother you? Rather than fixing them, have a drink and watch them disappear into the haze of the moment. Sex releases the ultimate happy chemicals and is a great way to catalyse psychological presence.

All three of these behaviours seem to indicate some kind of avoidance. Are you avoiding your present? Have you lost your future?

Middle age can be a tremendous time of reconciling. Determining what is truly important to you and choosing a focus for your life. There is no longer time to faff about and try things. You are someone. You have become someone. And there are less opportunities to be someone else or change course.

You know what you want – to be a wife and be part of a familial unit. Yet the behaviours you are exhibiting at the moment are ensuring you will not get there! Further, the behaviours (risky sex) may ensure that you never get there.

It's a relatively easy choice. What you are doing is not making you happy. You see a direction that will make you happy. But you have to go there. No one is putting the cigarettes in your mouth, or forcing you to drink or have risky sex. Those are choices you are making. As mentioned, you seem to be making them because you don't see how to connect the dots between where you are and where you want to be.

Day by day, you are making choices that are turning you into a person you don't want to be. So you have to stop making those choices. Get a future. Get really clear on what you want that future to be. And then go after it.

I think 1) if you get cleared for bipolar, and 2) create a vision of a future you really want and find plausible, and 3) go for that future, most of the other behaviours will disappear.
posted by nickrussell at 7:01 PM on December 2, 2012 [2 favorites]

I just want to chime in here on the wife thing. From what you're saying - if a friend of mine was saying this to me - I don't think you actually want to be a wife. I think you want an overspecified role that you can look to to strongly dictate your behavior on a daily basis. Nellie McKay's lovely satire "I wanna get married" might be what you're actually saying when you say you have wifely career ambitions. I'd rather not have to face the yawning chasm of choice that is my life every day either. I wanna make cute little lunches for my Brady Bunches, then read Danielle Steele. Unfortunately, that way most certainly lies madness.

Start by meditating for 2 minutes, every day. Add one minute per week until you notice a difference in your life. Don't try to force yourself to do anything different (although carrying condoms might be one of those accidental health-promoting actions that you can fool yourself into the next time you're at the drugstore). Being just a tadbit more centered is going to tip the balance in favor of your healthy motives. You've already shown, just by talking to your doctors and strangers on the internet about being afraid of your destructive habits, that your healthy motives are strong enough to take over eventually.
posted by katya.lysander at 7:48 PM on December 2, 2012 [3 favorites]

I'd look into sex addiction and see whether the descriptions of behaviours resonate with you. I recommend reading works by Patrick Carnes and Escape from Intimacy.
posted by foxjacket at 5:42 AM on December 3, 2012 [1 favorite]

You should get specific therapy for sex addiction. Unfortunately it's pretty hard to treat, but you'll probably make the best headway in seeing a therapist who has career experience with that. Thinking of this as "self destruction" is not doing you any favors.
posted by kellybird at 6:56 AM on December 3, 2012 [1 favorite]

What helped me get out of a decades long rut of self-destructive, self-pity, anger, bulimia and alcoholism was:
-Change in diet: most alcoholics are hypoglycemic and/or have allergies to wheat. Eating a low carb diet was an absolute life-saver for me. I was a high functioning alcoholic, bulimic for 20 years. I would highly recommend the Atkins book and a book called Seven Weeks to Sobriety. Once my blood sugar was stabilized and I was getting the proper nutrients, I didn't have the urge to drink or binge any longer, I'm not kidding. You must stick with these programs to the letter, no cheating. My mood improved considerably in about one week and I'm never looking back. Addictions can come in many forms, so even if you are not bulimic or alcoholic, stabilizing your blood-sugar and insulin will help promote brain chemistry health and mood. I'm not saying this is a panacea, but I can tell you from personal experience it did wonders for me. Being released of those urges to binge and drink myself to blackout is more than half the battle, so I can focus on therapeutic endeavors...

-Therapy to understand that I am a worthwhile person and not a piece of garbage. I am worth taking care of. Cut yourself off from toxic family, they aren't worth it if you are suffering due to their words and actions. Get people who give you guilt trip out of your life.

One can manage quite a few successes and coast along but feel helpless and miserable the entire time. As I am in mid-life now, I have a strong desire to stop the insanity. My therapists helped me understand I have power over my own life choices. Don't give your power to other people.
posted by waving at 9:21 AM on December 3, 2012

I agree with kellybird that you should get a sex addiction therapist. If your current doesn't understand how destructive your life is then you should find a new one.
posted by Autumn at 3:12 PM on December 3, 2012