How do I deal with her knowing that she is with someone else?
December 2, 2012 10:01 AM Subscribe
My girlfriend broke up with me a couple weeks ago. I thought things were going well, I was even planning to propose to her. She broke it off by saying things weren't working out for her, even though she told me I was good to her. We kept in contact and still talked and texted almost everyday. Then she told me she met someone else. I was very hurt/angry when I heard this. I tried still talking but it hurt too much. I told her the other day that it was best of we didn't communicate for a while because it was hurting me. Now not talking to her for a few days only hurts me more. Should I try to contact her? What should I do? How do I deal with her knowing that she is with someone else? I'm more and more depressed everyday.
There is a reason people say NO CONTACT after a breakup. So you don't have to get that news. Yes, it will hurt. It will get better.
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 10:07 AM on December 2, 2012 [18 favorites]
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 10:07 AM on December 2, 2012 [18 favorites]
The best thing for YOU is to move on, not contact her, and not respond when she contacts you. She's moved on--you have a right to do the same thing.
posted by anonnymoose at 10:17 AM on December 2, 2012 [4 favorites]
posted by anonnymoose at 10:17 AM on December 2, 2012 [4 favorites]
Keep not contacting her, go hang out with your friends, pick up a zany hobby, and breathe: you'll be okay it just takes time.
posted by vivid postcard at 10:18 AM on December 2, 2012 [6 favorites]
posted by vivid postcard at 10:18 AM on December 2, 2012 [6 favorites]
Think of it this way: what on earth would you get out of contacting her now? Because other than the first two or three pleasant seconds of hearing her voice, I can't think of a single thing.
Stay strong and distract yourself. Now is a good time for a big project.
posted by ostro at 10:19 AM on December 2, 2012 [5 favorites]
Stay strong and distract yourself. Now is a good time for a big project.
posted by ostro at 10:19 AM on December 2, 2012 [5 favorites]
The only way to make this hurt less is to move on, and the only way to move on for you is, I think, to stop talking with her for now (really, until you don't care whether you talk to her).
posted by J. Wilson at 10:43 AM on December 2, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by J. Wilson at 10:43 AM on December 2, 2012 [2 favorites]
This sucks, its going to keep sucking, it will also someday soon stop sucking so long as you stay out of contact - like at all period. What you should do instead is clean your whole house, repair broken things, scrub your toilet, organize your desktop and files, do that other thing you've been putting off, or just about anything that is also going to suck because hey - it couldn't make you feel worse right?
But then at the end your house will be clean, your stuff won't be broken, your toilet will sparkle, your computer will be more useful and you won't feel any worse while you're making that happen. All you can do anyway is live well, might as well use how much this FUCKING SUCKS to do the things that would make better times suck worse but can't touch you now. You'll also be in a much better position mentally, emotionally, and socially to recover with that cleaned and repaired stuff of yours.
posted by Blasdelb at 10:44 AM on December 2, 2012 [30 favorites]
But then at the end your house will be clean, your stuff won't be broken, your toilet will sparkle, your computer will be more useful and you won't feel any worse while you're making that happen. All you can do anyway is live well, might as well use how much this FUCKING SUCKS to do the things that would make better times suck worse but can't touch you now. You'll also be in a much better position mentally, emotionally, and socially to recover with that cleaned and repaired stuff of yours.
posted by Blasdelb at 10:44 AM on December 2, 2012 [30 favorites]
Also pick up a musical instrument, everyone sucks at them at the beginning, which is why so few play them - but what the fuck does that matter to you now? Then by the time you've gained significant competency with it you'll not only feel better but you'll also have a really neat new skill. Breakups give you superpowers, don't waste them.
posted by Blasdelb at 10:46 AM on December 2, 2012 [28 favorites]
posted by Blasdelb at 10:46 AM on December 2, 2012 [28 favorites]
There's this myth that at the end of a relationship you solemnly shake hands, flip off your feelings like a light switch, and go about your business and having lingering feelings and emotions is somehow immature and not the adult thing to do. That's not the case. It's going to hurt for a while and you need to cut off contact for a while until you get over her and it doesn't make you a bad person or less of an adult if you need some time and space.
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 11:10 AM on December 2, 2012 [4 favorites]
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 11:10 AM on December 2, 2012 [4 favorites]
"Breakups give you superpowers, don't waste them."
Yes! My last terrible breakup was agonizing, and I used that agony to restart my entire life. Now is your moment. You'll know how when you see it. Say yes to new things.
Should I try to contact her?
No. She has broken up with you. Your relationship has ended.
What should I do?
Suffer until you're done suffering. Think of it like having the flu. You'll have to take care of yourself for a while when you're most fragile.
How do I deal with her knowing that she is with someone else?
There is no dealing with this. She has left your life, and then she moved on to someone else, and then she told you about it, which for you feels like the real breakup, because you sort of didn't experience the first breakup.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 11:14 AM on December 2, 2012 [12 favorites]
Yes! My last terrible breakup was agonizing, and I used that agony to restart my entire life. Now is your moment. You'll know how when you see it. Say yes to new things.
Should I try to contact her?
No. She has broken up with you. Your relationship has ended.
What should I do?
Suffer until you're done suffering. Think of it like having the flu. You'll have to take care of yourself for a while when you're most fragile.
How do I deal with her knowing that she is with someone else?
There is no dealing with this. She has left your life, and then she moved on to someone else, and then she told you about it, which for you feels like the real breakup, because you sort of didn't experience the first breakup.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 11:14 AM on December 2, 2012 [12 favorites]
DO NOT CONTACT HER. I'm really sorry about this situation. But my answer to your specific question, if you should contact her, is no. Maybe a few months from now. But don't now. I've been in your situation. Don't call her.
posted by Enchanting Grasshopper at 11:15 AM on December 2, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by Enchanting Grasshopper at 11:15 AM on December 2, 2012 [1 favorite]
Chiming in to say it will hurt, but no contact is the best way to protect yourself from this pain. and to prevent relapses into a deeper level of pain.
posted by RainyJay at 11:28 AM on December 2, 2012
posted by RainyJay at 11:28 AM on December 2, 2012
Aww, man, breakups suck.
Here's one way to look at it: the worst that can happen has already happened -- you found out firsthand that she is with someone else (oof, I know how that hurts...my fingers twitched just typing it out). So, now, with that behind you, your route is clear: you need to start looking out for Number One (you), including protecting yourself from contact from her until you are well beyond caring (think: a year from now).
The goal here is: No New Harm.
Texting, chatting on the phone, will only leave you feeling hurt and hollow right now.
Getting broken up with truly does give you superpowers. I've had really excellent adventures come after getting dumped. Yes, I cried during many of them, but in between the tears I was able to see and experience all sorts of new things that I wouldn't have, had I stayed stuck on the person.
Grieve, but keep your eyes open for the good stuff to come. And don't freak out if some days (hours, minutes) you feel fine, then feel like shit, then feel fine, then feel numb, then feel rage...that's grieving.
I also find getting dumped really dials up my empathy and feeling of connection to others -- it rips a hole in my tough hide that lets other people get closer -- so don't be afraid to feel vulnerable, and express that.
posted by nacho fries at 11:38 AM on December 2, 2012 [2 favorites]
Here's one way to look at it: the worst that can happen has already happened -- you found out firsthand that she is with someone else (oof, I know how that hurts...my fingers twitched just typing it out). So, now, with that behind you, your route is clear: you need to start looking out for Number One (you), including protecting yourself from contact from her until you are well beyond caring (think: a year from now).
The goal here is: No New Harm.
Texting, chatting on the phone, will only leave you feeling hurt and hollow right now.
Getting broken up with truly does give you superpowers. I've had really excellent adventures come after getting dumped. Yes, I cried during many of them, but in between the tears I was able to see and experience all sorts of new things that I wouldn't have, had I stayed stuck on the person.
Grieve, but keep your eyes open for the good stuff to come. And don't freak out if some days (hours, minutes) you feel fine, then feel like shit, then feel fine, then feel numb, then feel rage...that's grieving.
I also find getting dumped really dials up my empathy and feeling of connection to others -- it rips a hole in my tough hide that lets other people get closer -- so don't be afraid to feel vulnerable, and express that.
posted by nacho fries at 11:38 AM on December 2, 2012 [2 favorites]
I just came back to note that these superpowers that this breakup has given you, you can use them to do awesome things and make yourself a more awesome person, but you also have the opportunity to use them to seriously fuck you up. Contacting her, or allowing her to contact you, at all is the path towards turning those superpowers on yourself in the most agonizingly horrifying ways. Don't do it, make a tree house club fort instead.
posted by Blasdelb at 11:44 AM on December 2, 2012 [5 favorites]
posted by Blasdelb at 11:44 AM on December 2, 2012 [5 favorites]
I want to provide a semi-counterpoint to the majority opinion here. To a certain extent, I agree that you should not contact her -- for now. You need that time to build yourself back up -- and there's been some excellent advice in this thread on how to do that. And I feel you, buddy -- I just went through the same thing a week ago, and I've barely slept since.
That said, in the long term, it is really important to me to maintain friendships with my exes. It's taken work and has, at times, been really difficult -- and I usually maintain periods of blackout before contact is reestablished. But there are reasons these people were in my life in the way that they were, and it's important to me that they remain in my life, in some capacity.
I remember when I was trying to re-establish a friendship with my first ex (we dated for five years -- I thought I would marry that woman). It was really difficult to see her, even a year or more after the breakup, but I persisted. Most people counseled me to just drop it, but I had one friend who understood, because he was going through the same thing. His explanation, which I think about frequently, was: "There are certain people who knew you at phases in your life better than anyone else. It is absolutely important to maintain contact with those people, because they can ground you in who you were -- which is important for remembering who you are."
But that's the long term thinking. In the short term, I think I'll agree with the above: Tree house club fort.
posted by TheRoach at 11:48 AM on December 2, 2012 [5 favorites]
That said, in the long term, it is really important to me to maintain friendships with my exes. It's taken work and has, at times, been really difficult -- and I usually maintain periods of blackout before contact is reestablished. But there are reasons these people were in my life in the way that they were, and it's important to me that they remain in my life, in some capacity.
I remember when I was trying to re-establish a friendship with my first ex (we dated for five years -- I thought I would marry that woman). It was really difficult to see her, even a year or more after the breakup, but I persisted. Most people counseled me to just drop it, but I had one friend who understood, because he was going through the same thing. His explanation, which I think about frequently, was: "There are certain people who knew you at phases in your life better than anyone else. It is absolutely important to maintain contact with those people, because they can ground you in who you were -- which is important for remembering who you are."
But that's the long term thinking. In the short term, I think I'll agree with the above: Tree house club fort.
posted by TheRoach at 11:48 AM on December 2, 2012 [5 favorites]
I'm gonna back TheRoach up and say that people add a lot of unneccessary pain to breaking contact by thinking it's forever. That if you stop talking to your ex now, you'll never speak to them again. Things change in really unpredictable ways. I would have never thought the ex who packed up belongings while I was at work and dumped them at my parents' house would be one of my best friends, but here we are. It took 2 full years of not speaking for us to get to that point, though.
Nothing is permanent. Your decision to cut contact can be reversed in the future. Your pain is not permanent. It's still really raw, and it's going to hurt for awhile. Just try not to react to or fight it. It's OK to alternate between anger and despair.
[And you should be angry; girlfriend pulled an asshole (classic) move telling you she met someone else only a few weeks later.]
posted by peacrow at 12:30 PM on December 2, 2012 [1 favorite]
Nothing is permanent. Your decision to cut contact can be reversed in the future. Your pain is not permanent. It's still really raw, and it's going to hurt for awhile. Just try not to react to or fight it. It's OK to alternate between anger and despair.
[And you should be angry; girlfriend pulled an asshole (classic) move telling you she met someone else only a few weeks later.]
posted by peacrow at 12:30 PM on December 2, 2012 [1 favorite]
I'm so sorry. Break ups are always awful. If you can afford it, I encourage you to get a pet. They make excellent companions and take a lot work, which will get your mind off the ex.
posted by SkylitDrawl at 12:49 PM on December 2, 2012
posted by SkylitDrawl at 12:49 PM on December 2, 2012
Here's my $.02 on being friends with exes:
- You don't have to if you don't want to. Sometimes I see "it's important to be friends with your exes and here is why" presented as something like flossing or eating your peas - You Do It Because It's Good For You.
I'm dubious of the value of always being friends with exes. I think it's important to remember that: 1) some people aren't good friend material, ex or not - you don't want to feel like you have to have a toxic person in your life because you used to be an item; 2) it takes two - meaning both of you have to be on board with being friends, meaning, if the other person doesn't want to be friends with you, you are pretty much SOL unless you thrive on one-sided relationships; 3) you need the tincture of time to make it work.
I think the "dumpee" always needs some distance from the "dumper" to recover their emotional equilibrium. After a period of healing, it's up to you if you want to be friends with her again. I don't think it's something you "have" to do. Is she generally a good person who treats people in her life well? Will her current spouse or significant other be on board with your friendship? Is she someone you would want as a friend even without the sexual and relationship aspects?
Also, women tend to be sensitive to any indication that they are being stalked - and with very, very good reason. I am NOT saying that you are a stalker. I am saying that you don't want to pursue so strongly and with such longing that you come off as one even if you don't mean to.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 1:15 PM on December 2, 2012 [1 favorite]
- You don't have to if you don't want to. Sometimes I see "it's important to be friends with your exes and here is why" presented as something like flossing or eating your peas - You Do It Because It's Good For You.
I'm dubious of the value of always being friends with exes. I think it's important to remember that: 1) some people aren't good friend material, ex or not - you don't want to feel like you have to have a toxic person in your life because you used to be an item; 2) it takes two - meaning both of you have to be on board with being friends, meaning, if the other person doesn't want to be friends with you, you are pretty much SOL unless you thrive on one-sided relationships; 3) you need the tincture of time to make it work.
I think the "dumpee" always needs some distance from the "dumper" to recover their emotional equilibrium. After a period of healing, it's up to you if you want to be friends with her again. I don't think it's something you "have" to do. Is she generally a good person who treats people in her life well? Will her current spouse or significant other be on board with your friendship? Is she someone you would want as a friend even without the sexual and relationship aspects?
Also, women tend to be sensitive to any indication that they are being stalked - and with very, very good reason. I am NOT saying that you are a stalker. I am saying that you don't want to pursue so strongly and with such longing that you come off as one even if you don't mean to.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 1:15 PM on December 2, 2012 [1 favorite]
Not to self-promote, but go do all of this. The bit about how now you have superpowers is a really good one.
Time. It just takes time. But the thing about this kind of time is that you have to live it. You can't just wait for it to pass. Go learn something, make something with your hands, pick up a new sport.
You will be fine.
posted by gauche at 3:38 PM on December 2, 2012
Time. It just takes time. But the thing about this kind of time is that you have to live it. You can't just wait for it to pass. Go learn something, make something with your hands, pick up a new sport.
You will be fine.
posted by gauche at 3:38 PM on December 2, 2012
Response by poster: I want to thank everyone for your input. Many good ideas that I can do to help cope and getting better. I never thought I would be able to get the support from a website like this but I'm glad I posted. I'm thankful that there are people out there that understand where I am and have gone through it also. So many thanks again!
posted by kser333 at 5:11 PM on December 2, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by kser333 at 5:11 PM on December 2, 2012 [3 favorites]
My personal feeling about being friends with exes is that it's totally possible, but you have to go through a period of hating them first. It's just par for the course.
posted by radioamy at 6:54 PM on December 2, 2012
posted by radioamy at 6:54 PM on December 2, 2012
Rule 1 is to realize that the relationship is over. Rule 2 is ending all contact, full stop. Block her on social media, set up filters to auto-delete her emails. Delete her number in your phone. Get rid of the reminders of your relationship like pictures and letters.
She may try to initiate contact or say she wants to remain friends. This is just a selfish attempt to feel better about herself and ease her own uncomfortableness about the breakup.
Cry in the shower or on solitary car rides or late at night for as long as you need. Breakups are painful and often take several months or more to fully get over but, it does get easier. Good luck and stay strong.
posted by slumber at 4:37 AM on December 3, 2012 [1 favorite]
She may try to initiate contact or say she wants to remain friends. This is just a selfish attempt to feel better about herself and ease her own uncomfortableness about the breakup.
Cry in the shower or on solitary car rides or late at night for as long as you need. Breakups are painful and often take several months or more to fully get over but, it does get easier. Good luck and stay strong.
posted by slumber at 4:37 AM on December 3, 2012 [1 favorite]
For additional electronic commiseration and support, you might check out the breakup and healing-after-breakup forums here.
Relationships serve to teach us a lot about ourselves. Spend a little time looking inward now, figuring out the lessons learned, and you're going to rock up to your next one with a whole set of self-awareness and relationship skills that you didn't have going into your last one.
No rush...just something to look forward to when the time is right for you.
posted by nacho fries at 12:27 PM on December 3, 2012
Relationships serve to teach us a lot about ourselves. Spend a little time looking inward now, figuring out the lessons learned, and you're going to rock up to your next one with a whole set of self-awareness and relationship skills that you didn't have going into your last one.
No rush...just something to look forward to when the time is right for you.
posted by nacho fries at 12:27 PM on December 3, 2012
This thread is closed to new comments.
Don't talk to her, because it'll make it worse. I would also suggest deleting her from facebook or anything that might accidentally expose you to information about her and the other person.
As for how to deal with her being with someone else, time helps. When I went through something similar it helped to know that either that relationship was a rebound and probably wouldn't last or that the person couldn't have been that into our relationship if they moved on so quickly. It'll take longer if you keep talking to her.
posted by Autumn at 10:06 AM on December 2, 2012