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Getting excited with my girlfriend
December 2, 2012 9:14 AM   Subscribe

I can't seem to get "excited" with thoughts (or bikini pics) of my long distance girlfriend. I am far too young to have issues with this in a general sense and I don't. I can still get turned on by other things, and videos and what not (you get the point). We haven't met yet but we will be meeting in the relative future and something sexual might happen, and probably will.

I am typically a very anxious person about things, I hype events up in my mind and get nervous and worry about it all, so I think this might be mental. I am pretty certain that I love this girl a lot and the relationship is very serious so far. I just can't seem to get turned on by the thoughts of her, even having sex with her or her naked. I don't know what the problem is, but I think it might be mental.

I'm hoping maybe when we actually meet and I see her or we start kissing or whatever it may be... I get excited and things end up working out. Maybe its because I've never actually seen her nude? I don't know. I've used my imagination with other girls just fine but with her its difficult and it takes a fair amount of physical touching to get me turned on with her.

I'm also very nervous and super insecure about my own body, and the performance anxiety coupled with this is just a disaster. And on top of that I'm a virgin, so it will be my first time EVER kissing a girl and doing anything sexual with a girl. I don't even know how to kiss really (advice on this would also be helpful) and I'm scared I might not be able to satisfy her due to my inexperience. She has been with a few other men but has never gone "all the way" and I have been with no one. I am trying to get in shape before we meet so that I can think a bit less about my body.

Any advice would be really helpful.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (9 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
 
It sounds like you have a fairly easy time getting turned on by things that don't involve interaction with another person. Understandably, it's a lot easier to be nervous when you realize there's another person involved, even if they're not actually there, because all of a sudden emotions happen. It can feel like porn is totally safe because it's got nothing to do with you and can't possibly go anywhere, whereas even the pictures of your girlfriend come with some emotional strings for you. I don't think this means there's anything wrong with either of you, just that this is frightening which makes perfect sense.

If you really like her, be honest with her and trust that she'll be honest with you. Tell her you like her and are anxious/shy about being with another person. Keep in mind that it might be hard for her if she feels like she can't turn you on; that can be scary and confusing and feel like rejection. If you explain ahead of time that you like her and find her attractive but feel anxious that will probably make her sympathetic instead of defensive.

Also, don't worry too much about your body! I would venture to say that MOST people are super insecure about their bodies and she's probably feeling just as anxious as you. By all means get in shape if it will help you feel better but being naked can just feel vulnerable no matter what you look like. Don't be ashamed of feeling uncomfortable about it.

Good luck! Just be honest, don't freak out, and it will be okay.
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 9:41 AM on December 2, 2012 [1 favorite]


We haven't met yet

I am pretty certain that I love this girl a lot and the relationship is very serious so far.

Okay, first of all, I am not going to say that you can't fall in love without meeting somebody, or that all internet relationships are doomed to fail. However, the difference between talking to somebody online and meeting them face-to-face is huge, particularly when it comes to sexual attraction. Attraction is something that you can't control and can't make happen, so it strikes me as problematic that you're talking about this as an established relationship already, and that's only going to exacerbate the sexual pressure. When I was dating guys I met online (via okcupid), I often found that the ones I liked most online were the ones I felt zero in-person attraction to.

I'm assuming you're both young (as in, teenagers). Is this relationship solely an online thing? Have you talked on the phone, or chatted on Skype? Are you familiar with her body language, with her facial expressions, with her voice? All of these can influence sexual attraction, and they might be better predictors of how you'll feel face-to-face than a photo.
posted by littlegreen at 9:47 AM on December 2, 2012 [13 favorites]


I am pretty certain that I love this girl a lot and the relationship is very serious so far.

You're saying this about a person you haven't actually met?

Relax and slow down a little bit. The sexual stuff will come- seeing/getting to know this person IRL is definitely a good first step.
posted by sarahnicolesays at 9:47 AM on December 2, 2012 [5 favorites]


I am pretty certain that I love this girl a lot and the relationship is very serious so far.

Okay, first of all, I am not going to say that you can't fall in love without meeting somebody


I am. You can't fall in love with someone you've never met. It's fine that you think you'll get along well with this person but even if you've been video chatting and such, none of that translates into how a person conducts themselves in person. Their personality, that is.

To answer your question, you're having trouble in this area because you're worried about having trouble in this area. Assuming you're actually attracted to her, which you don't mention.
posted by cmoj at 10:03 AM on December 2, 2012 [10 favorites]


I'm also very nervous and super insecure about my own body, and the performance anxiety coupled with this is just a disaster. And on top of that I'm a virgin, so it will be my first time EVER kissing a girl and doing anything sexual with a girl.

It sounds like you're planning to meet and like, when you meet, you're planning to have sex. But you really shouldn't decide what's going to happen on your first meeting before you actually see each other. Bear in mind that your personalities are really close, but your bodies are, as yet, complete strangers to each other. Take it at the pace that feels natural to both of you when you see each other, not something predetermined -- even among much more sexually experienced people, it's totally normal to wait a while before having sex. So don't feel like you have to do a lot of sexual stuff the first time you meet because you don't know when you'll get another chance. If you really like each other, you'll make another meeting happen, and if you do sexual stuff then, it'll be a generally better experience because you'll be more relaxed and confident.
posted by ostro at 10:11 AM on December 2, 2012 [2 favorites]


As someone who knows what it's like to resent people for saying internet relationships aren't 'real' because you can't smell a person or see their facial expressions, I'm here to tell that the importance of this varies depending on the triggers you have for attraction. I don't fall in love-- or lust-- with people's facial expressions, and my sense of smell is basically nonexistent; instead, I'm the sort of person who places a very high premium on mental connection. So, well, YMMV, though if that was what was driving you, you may not have the same concerns. You should give yourself some space to figure out what really 'works' for you with people (in terms of attraction), if you're a virgin. Don't listen to people who have some idea of what 'normal' is; just allow yourself to figure it out yourself (as you will).

That said, I remember what it was like when I was really in love with Internet Guy, and oh boy, it was a guarantee we'd have done it if/when we first met. However, this was spontaneous-- not really photo-based but not photo-immune either. Anyway, he still had similar anxieties to you (so you're ahead of the game of anxious internet guys if you do meet her). Please see a counselor or talk to a real life friend and expend some effort to lower your anxiety (performance and otherwise), or a lot of things can get very messed up. Fear and attraction don't go well together. It can get pretty awful for her and for you. In any case, it doesn't seem you have the hot-and-heavy attraction me and Internet Guy had, so I'd put the breaks on a little bit. Don't force it, you know? Maybe you'll like her more in person, or maybe you won't, but forcing yourself to masturbate to her isn't helping and probably raises the anxiety/pressure levels.

One reason it may be more difficult is that you feel pressure around it, which isn't sexy. Maybe find ways to relax/reroute, and enjoy some attraction without masturbating to it. Like, voices can be sexy and there's an intimacy to phone contact pictures lack. Imagination (that is, visualizing or thinking about someone) can also lead to arousal if you're really into them (I'm saying this is aside from touching yourself). I guess, the need to reduce things to orgasm or physical arousal overlooks the steps leading up to this in real life-- butterflies, funny tingles, dreamy looks, etc. This state is best entered just daydreaming about another person (if you like them). Then once you're sensitized to their image or the thought of them, it becomes very easy to get physically turned on. For me, normally it's actually pretty hard to objectify/get lustful about real people, or people I know or even crush on 'cause I haven't gone through the intense daydreamy infatuation stages where I moon over the thought of them, so the image is just too... I dunno, porn-like. Well, no one enters infatuated mooning on purpose, but I'm saying that it's not weird to have difficulties objectifying people you like. Or at least, if you had such difficulties, you're not alone.
posted by reenka at 10:33 AM on December 2, 2012 [2 favorites]


We haven't met yet but we will be meeting in the relative future and something sexual might happen, and probably will.

Sex loses most of the fun when it's awkward or under pressure. You are totally allowed (and encouraged) to take things at your own pace, and it's ok to make out and end up not having sex, even if it might be expected. Take the time to get comfortable with each other, even if it puts you past the window of this visit and means going without sex for longer than you hoped.
If you are afraid it's a choice between either letting her down or of you not being ready, it isn't - there are lots of sexual options that are neither of those things, and lots of fun. Learn from her what she likes. Experiment. Play. Screw up. Giggle. Play.

But really, don't rush it. Your metric should not be "can I check off the "lost virginity" box yet?", it should be having fun. Have lots of fun, and if that eventually involves sex, cool. If not, cool. It's about the fun :)
posted by anonymisc at 11:37 AM on December 2, 2012


This isn't really a relationship question. I was clued in to this fact when you mentioned you'd never met the girl. You can rest easy, assured that until you have met a person, you need not worry about things like kissing and intercourse with that person.

You're worried about kissing and intercourse, it sounds like, because you've never done it and you'd like your first experiences to be special ones. That's normal; it's also pretty normal for the first times to be awkward and anxious.

At some point when you meet this person, it might seem appropriate to kiss her. Here's how that goes down: Lean in, put your hand lightly on the back of her neck so you know where she is and to communicate your intentions; and then, if she doesn't pull away - if she wants to kiss, she'll lean in too - put your lips together and plant them gently, but firmly on hers. After that, follow her lead, and do what feels good. There are really no rules in kissing.

I made it very clear to the first woman I slept with that I was a virgin and nervous and needed some guidance, which she provided. I think that is a good way to go for you. But don't rush it. The point of kissing and sex is that they are supposed to be fun, relaxing and pleasant. If you get in the habit of waiting until you're pretty certain that's how it's going to go, you will spare yourself a lot of bad sex and end up having a lot of good sex.

Before you have sex, frankly discuss birth control and STDs. If either of you are unwilling to be tested for STDs, condoms should be used. If clothes are off during this discussion, you have waited too long to have it.
posted by Protocols of the Elders of Sockpuppetry at 11:39 AM on December 2, 2012 [3 favorites]


You're putting soooo much pressure on this. Wait until you meet her. I've dated a lot of people who I was too anxious/distant from to fantasize about before we actually started making out and such.
posted by stoneandstar at 11:43 PM on December 2, 2012


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