The stork is fleeting the coop.
November 29, 2012 6:48 AM Subscribe
How do you let go of what you want (fertility version)?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (39 answers total) 11 users marked this as a favorite
I'm rapidly approaching 34 years and have been together with my boyfriend for over a year - he's 40. We're both in excellent health, are active and have great careers. We're happy and stable. We have talked about getting engaged and I know it's coming soon. We already live together and have joint finances. We've also talked about what we want as a couple and one of those things is a family.
I know that "family" comes in all shapes and sizes and definitions. However, and I'm not sure if this is my age/gender speaking, I've become a little overwhelmed lately with the concept of declining fertility. My boyfriend 110% wants kids. I 90% want kids, and am onboard with all of this. Besides, I would love the experience of being pregnant and having a kid with him. However, here's the rub: I don't want to have kids until we're married for a variety of reasons. This means by the time we get engaged/married and start working on having kids, I'll be at least 36ish. I think I would be crazy to think that everything would work out on the first month or two of trying. After all of the reading and researching, etc. I've been doing, I'm really concerned about TTC at 36 and over, because it means he would be 42 or older, and the risk of all sorts of stuff skyrockets. In addition to all of that, we would be some seriously old parents.
Please understand that I'm trying to state the facts and I'm not trying to rush the relationship.
Here's where I could use advice - I can't really control when we finally DO get married. My boyfriend seems to be operating at his own pace, and again, I don't want to rush this, but I'm also worried that he is totally aloof to the fact that we're probably not going to have our own kids due to our ages. I have talked to him about this, and not much was said, which leads me to believe that he's either in total denial or aloof. What I can control, I think, is how I feel about everything, and one of those feelings is having to let go of the possiblity of having our own kids. Is this healthy, and how do I begin letting go of my fertility? How do I get past the feelings of resentment that he doesn't understand that male fertility is A Thing? (The way I've phrased it to him, is that I know that Hugh Heffner fathered a kid at the age of 72 or something like that, but that does not give men the license to think that all of them are capable of the same. Yeah, I agree this was a little bitchy, although he laughed and said that he got it.) I don't want to freeze eggs and we've talked about IVF and neither one of us want that path. I have wondered about possibly going this alone without him, but that also is contradictory to me not wanting IVF, and if I got pregnant before we got married, I know I would let this relationship go, because I know I would be so filled with anger and bad feelings that I would never be able to move past them to try and have a healthy relationship with him.
But then there's all those other feelings I'm trying to manage - How do I get past the guilt that I waited so long/it took so long for me to find someone to settle with? How do I get past the feelings of shame that I'm a failure? How do I move past the idea of "family" for us meaning me getting pregnant and giving birth and that "family" for us most likely may mean adopting, or no kids at all? I've never experienced having to let go of something I've wanted before...how do I do this?