When girlfriends come back to haunt you.

August 22, 2005 2:36 PM

ExGirlFriend filter: My girlfriend from High School has been talking to my sister lately it seems, and now she asked my sister for my phone number so she can give me a call, because she has something "she needs to talk to me about."

Background: I was dating her ten years ago during my last years of HS and for awhile afterwards. During the last part of my basic military training she calls me and tells me she's pregnant with someone else's kid. (Maybe that's where I get my distrust of women from) Now it's been like a week since my sister spoke to me and she hasn't called yet. It's starting to annoy me. What the hell could she possibly want to talk about? And more importantly, it's obvious to me now that I have serious issues with the way I was treated in this relationship, even after all these years. How do you overcome being cheated on?

posted by bigmusic to human relations (32 comments total)

Maybe she is just checking to see if she can still get the hooks in you and make you twisted.
posted by letterneversent at 2:40 PM on August 22, 2005

She may be feeling remorseful and wants to make amends, nothing more.

Ten years is a long time - and obviously this news is dredging up some feelings of disappointment within you, that you thought were dealt with.

Take her call, listen carefully at what she wants to tell you, then take time to formulate a response - if you feel you need to make one - and then move on...
posted by seawallrunner at 2:44 PM on August 22, 2005

No chance she is the mom of your first child?
posted by ParisParamus at 2:49 PM on August 22, 2005

How do you overcome being cheated on?

In my personal experience, you don't. It gets better with time, but I don't think the hurt and distrust ever goes away completely.

And I really hope for your sake she's not calling to tell you the kid is really yours. If she is, get a paternatity test.
posted by geeky at 2:49 PM on August 22, 2005

Nope, kids not mine. I know that for a fact.
posted by bigmusic at 2:53 PM on August 22, 2005

I do beleive that everything in our lives is an opportunity, and everyone's story is relevant, but I would stay away from her. If you have issues, I don't think she has the most outside perspective to help you work them out. Maybe she came back in your life to shed light on these issues that you have, and now you can decide if she has any benefit in your life. But otherwise, I'd move on.

How do you overcome being cheated on? Find someone who you trust who can show you how this is holding you back. A shrink, a monk. The key, that I have found for me in emotional entaglements, is not to take the pain she caused you and judge others by it (transference).
posted by scazza at 2:57 PM on August 22, 2005

oh, I vote for the hooks and twisting.
posted by dorian at 2:59 PM on August 22, 2005

seawallrunner writes "She may be feeling remorseful and wants to make amends, nothing more. "

That was my first guess as well. She might just want forgiveness; it's not like she could ever forget you anyway. You were her main relationship at a time when her child was conceived. I can't imagine that any woman could just forget what was happening in their lives at that time. Besides, people do change...

If you're that concerned, meet at a location that you never go to anyway; that way, she'll never be able to track you down again if things don't go as planned.
posted by SeizeTheDay at 3:04 PM on August 22, 2005

Don't even acknowledge it.
posted by angry modem at 3:09 PM on August 22, 2005

More specifically, she may be going through AA and be at the step [step 9?] where you try to make amends to people who were negatively affected by your drinking. This type of thing happened to me a while back, an old flame who had really screwed me over called me up out of the blue to hang out [does something about the step system preclude talking over the phone? I don't know] and I was really curious why he wanted to get back in touch. I had him over, he explained how he was in recovery and very sorry for being such an ass. I was over it, so I said that I forgave him and in fact I rarely thought about him and he walked right out of my life again. A little weird, but nothing too terrible. I usally associate that "There is something I HAVE to discuss with you" tone with recovery or paternity discussions.
posted by jessamyn at 3:15 PM on August 22, 2005

I had this same thing happen (minus the military experience). My sister told the exgf that she'd done such an incredible job screwing me up that she'd never give my number out to her.
posted by boo_radley at 3:17 PM on August 22, 2005

My vote: She just wants to say sorry. I'd go to a public place for coffee, listen to what she has to say for a half-hour and no more and promise to never speak to her again. If you're still bugged by her, and if there's a possibility that she want to fuck with your head, it's best to stay away as much as possible.

As for "How do you overcome being cheated on", I found that it helped to remind myself that it was their problem and had nothing to do with me (which, I've found, is almost always true). It also helps to have a good opinion of yourself, an area in which I excel. And, finally, realize that everyone is different but people rarely change.
posted by Moral Animal at 3:18 PM on August 22, 2005

Ignore it until she contacts you since it's liable to be the a Step, letting you know you might have a disease, that you're the parent of a child, or the thing with the hooks and the twisting.
posted by bshort at 3:20 PM on August 22, 2005

Now it's been like a week since my sister spoke to me and she hasn't called yet. It's starting to annoy me.

She may call and say (essentially) nothing; she may never call. She may talk to your sister again. You might want to practice "floating on the river of life" here, rather than giving so much control of your emotions to someone like her.
posted by WestCoaster at 3:31 PM on August 22, 2005

Although it may be difficult, I think you should hear her out, as some others have suggested. She may be calling to apologize or to otherwise offer some sort of explanation of her behavior. You claim to believe that you haven't completely gotten over her or that the repercussions of your relationship are still being felt. Maybe speaking to her now, after ten years, will help you. Maybe being able to tell her how you feel and how it felt when she did what she did will allow you to move on. Seeing as how it's been ten years, you probably have things you'd like to say to her.

Some people here have suggested to completely dismiss her. Well, I don't see how that will help you move on. Confront her and ask her what she wants. If she's calling to apologize, great. Take the apology and then tell her that you've moved on and that you'd like it if she not try to contact you again. This may be all she's interested in - a confession. If she's not calling to apologize, and instead is trying to play games with you, then calmly let her know how you feel. You probably even have ten years worth of conversations in your head with her that you can pick from. Just tell her the things you want to tell her.

It's a bit difficult because we don't know whether or not you've had an official confrontation with her since the incident. If you didn't have any closure, then it seems like it may be important for you to finally get that. If, on the other hand, you already have had Important Discussions with her regarding Your Former Relationship, then I agree that she's probably just messing with you.

Anyway, good luck and if you do speak with her, be sure you have a good idea of the things you want to say to her, say them, and then end the conversation without her being able to get those hooks in you.
posted by billysumday at 3:31 PM on August 22, 2005

Is your life going well besides this? If yes, that should answer your question about what you should do.
posted by angry modem at 3:34 PM on August 22, 2005

If it were me, I'd prefer a letter than a phone call. Strongly prefer.

My relationship history runs toward long ones with long breaks in between. This generally means that each ex girlfriend is from a different part of my life, at given my age, so far always one I've wanted to move on from.

My most recent ex and I are friends, but I'm putting some distance between us now just the same due to the hooks and twisted bit. The one before that, at the moment, I have nothing to say to. I ignored a lot of overtures from her for 18 months or so (literally ignored IMs and stuff), then talked to her once and regretted it when she quickly started arguing with me about something that happened 3 years prior. The one prior to that I didn't speak to once for 5 years, after basically telling her to go jump in a lake (due to a comment she made about then-new ex girlfriend #2). We're friends again now, through my own efforts, but I wouldn't have blamed her if she'd said, "I don't want you in my life anymore." That's basically what I said to her, way back when.

So if I were in your shoes, this would be a simple decision. I'd think about my life then, the person I was dating then and the person I was then as well. Do I want to revisit that or not? If so, on what terms? If she really has something important to say, she won't insist on one method of communication over another. In this case I'd ask for a letter instead. Easier to ignore if it's just a bunch of blubbering and nonsense. If she just wants to fuck with you, well, this will become obvious.
posted by autojack at 3:39 PM on August 22, 2005

She could be doing her own personal version of High Fidelity, and trying to figure out why all her exes are exes. For personal growth! Though it sounds more likely to me that she just wants to say she's sorry. Particularly if she is still friends with your sister; she may find the bad way things ended between you awkward.

And it is terrible to be cheated on, but ... were you away from home in the forces when it happened? How long had you been away? You were both in high school, and still figuring out how to be in relationships and probably also busting out with hormones. You have some distance and some wisdom now; chalk that one up to youth and try to let it go.
posted by onlyconnect at 3:59 PM on August 22, 2005

It sounds to me like she may want to make amends, in the 12-steep recovery sense. That's great for you, if you are hurting and you are willing to talk to her at all, because it means you get to tell her in detail how badly she messed you over and she is not permitted to "fight back". In fact, if you propose anything reasonable for her to do to "make things right", she will be extremely likely to do it.

It sounds like you do have some stuff to get over in the relationship, so this might help both of you.

Good luck.
posted by Invoke at 4:38 PM on August 22, 2005

Not to raise scary issues, but is there an outside chance (given her history of infidelity) that she might need to talk to you in order to uncover how far back an, ahem, infectious disease can be traced from? Or who else she might have passed it along to?

If it was anything but that, I would say that you might hear her out or ignore her, whichever you prefer. Just knowing a colleague who this happened to makes me wary.
posted by jeanmari at 4:59 PM on August 22, 2005

She could be in a twelve-step program, and going through the list of people she has to apologize to. (step nine?)
posted by alms at 5:03 PM on August 22, 2005

Well, firstly your sister should never have given out your number without your permission. That should apply to anyone but especially, for Christ's sake, to an ex.

Given that it's too late I'd say two things. One, you should try not to obsess about this. If you worry endlessly about what she might say if and when she calls you're allowing something you should have left behind to mess your life up again. Think about that, get angry if necessary, whatever it takes to stop caring. Two, if she does call you don't have to deal with it. You don't have to accept it. You can say, "Look, I don't know what you want and I don't want to know. My sister should not have given you my number and I'd appreciate it of you don't call again."

If she does call again, change your number. There's no way anything good will come out of reopening something like this. What she did is bad enough not to deserve a second chance. Not unless you're a saint or a masochist. You got hurt and betrayed and you moved on. Good for you. Don't let the person that hurt and betrayed you drag you back in your life. In my long and varied experience it is virtually always a bad idea to reopen old wounds. You owe her nothing. You owe yourself something better than what she gave you.
posted by Decani at 5:04 PM on August 22, 2005

I just wanted to add a little more based on what ppl have been saying, since most are encouraging you that it will be no big deal to hear her out calmy and with benefit. I think that is very enlightened. However, confronting someone who you have issues with can't really be done camly, or else they wouldn't be a problem. Usually if the person has deceived you in the past, they won't be able to conduct a trustworthy conversation that will heal you. It may just keep bugging you and possibly hurt you further. I think "closure" is really an individual process.
posted by scazza at 5:26 PM on August 22, 2005

Does she actually have to contact you via phone? I think you can continue to be the one in control by directing her to write a letter and have it delivered to you via your sister. If what she has to say is so damn important than a letter should work just fine. After you feel the situation out you can take appropriate action.

If she was/is a psycho-chick my recommendation is to avoid her until you know the coast is clear. People like that are a disease.
posted by quadog at 5:51 PM on August 22, 2005

Broken Flowers (2005)
Directed by Jim Jarmusch
The devoutly single Don Johnston (Bill Murray) is dumped by his latest girlfriend (Julie Delpy), he receives a anonymous pink letter informing him that he has a son who may be looking for him. The situation causes Don to examine his relationships with women instead of moving on to the next one, and he embarks on a cross-country search for his old flames who might possess clues to the mystery at hand

(Maybe that's where I get my distrust of women from)

come on this is pretty lame. do you also distrust all men because once a man treated you unfairly? I hope not.
posted by PenguinBukkake at 5:58 PM on August 22, 2005

come on this is pretty lame. do you also distrust all men because once a man treated you unfairly? I hope not.

Yep, I'm lame.
posted by bigmusic at 7:30 PM on August 22, 2005

The answer to this question has a lot more to do with you than with her, and I don't think you give us enough to work with.

Can your 10-years-gone ex-gf hurt you now? No.

Can she say or do something that might interact with some of your unresolved issues, causing you to do something self-destructive and otherwise not good for your personal growth? Yes, that might happen, depending on your level of maturity and insight with regards to what happened those many years ago. What that might be I don't know - but maybe you do.

If you don't think the latter is a major risk, though, it's probably worth hearing her out. It's definitely the sort of thing that you should discuss with your therapist.

What? You have issues and no therapist? How's that again?

How do you overcome being cheated on?

Overcome? You mean like take your M-16 and shoot it until it dies? No, it doesn't work that way. Being cheated on isn't your enemy or an obstacle. You don't overcome it. You gain some insight into why you were wronged this way, you go through the feelings you have about it, you decide how you want to behave in the future, and life goes on in any case.
posted by ikkyu2 at 7:59 PM on August 22, 2005

Um. There's absolutely no reason to hear her out unless you feel like it. This is not about her. This is about you. It doesn't matter if she's doing a recovery process, or she wants to apologize, or she found your favorite sweater. Who cares? Again, this isn't about her and you have zero obligation to do anything for her. Repeat for emphasis: you owe this woman nothing. She's part of the past and the past is only important to old people. Call your sister and tell her how you feel: this whole sordid afffair is stirring up shit which you will deal with on your own terms when you are ready. Until then, you have no desire to speak with your ex.

As for being cheated on, the only solution I've found is to deliberately place yourself in a situation in which you can be betrayed again. Cheating can hurt so much because, precisely as you've determined for yourself, it can poison all your relationships--indeed it can undermine your very notion of how relationships work. You can fight this by simply showing it to be false for you. If you want open relationships based on trust, then you can make it so.
posted by nixerman at 8:30 PM on August 22, 2005

She either wants to make amends, or she's looking for someone to help raise the kid.
posted by mrbill at 12:58 AM on August 23, 2005

I second jeanmari's interpretation: the first thing I thought was that she wanted to warn you that she's got a sexually transmitted disease.
If you decide to avoid your ex, then you should get tested for as many STDs as you can, just to be sure. Were I in the situation, I would hear her out for this reason alone.
For me, the best way to get over a relationship that went wrong was to stop thinking of the person as my ex-boyfriend, and just think of them as someone I used to hang out with. Just changing the language you use when you think about things can help a great deal.
posted by nprigoda at 4:11 AM on August 23, 2005

You know, I vote she wants to apologise. (I did this once, a few years ago after hurting someone really bad, and she was glad I did it).

Get her phone number from your sister, and call it, making sure you do whatever people in your part of the world do to block caller-id.

You can always put the phone down if she starts being gruesome; you're in control.
posted by Pericles at 4:47 AM on August 23, 2005

It turned out all she wanted to do was say hi.
posted by bigmusic at 11:13 AM on June 28, 2006 [1 favorite]