How do I make my wife feel sexy?
August 22, 2005 8:08 PM Subscribe
How do I make my wife feel
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (36 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
My wife and I have been married for eight years. We love each other, we hardly ever fight, we have a wonderful son, things are mostly swell, except when it comes to sex. The sex we do have is nice mostly because it's intimacy between two people who are in love. That's all well and good, but sometimes I want things to be erotic.
The "how do I get my wife to have sex more often" or "how do I talk my wife into an all-anal three-way" questions have been asked already so I won't go there.
She doesn't have a very healthy attitude towards sex, basically anything beyond oral and missionary is perverted and wrong. She is unaware of most of my sexual fantasies because I know if I told her she'd be turned off. There are a number of reasons why our sex life is so vanilla, and I'm working on all of them, I'm willing to compromise on things (I certainly don't expect her to be into all the things I'd be into, all I want is for her to open her mind a bit), and I haven't ruled out counseling, but there's one problem that I can't even begin to figure out how to solve.
She doesn't feel sexy and she doesn't understand what it means to be sexy.
She's always had a weight problem, which has gotten worse since she had our child. She's never been happy with her body but has never been able to lose more than a few pounds and anything she's lost she eventually put back on. She's not obese but she would feel better about herself if she lost a bit of weight and yes, she certainly would look better.
None of that matters to me though. I'm her husband, I love her, I think she's beautiful and I think she can be sexy. I tell her as much whenever I can and it just goes in one ear and out the other. She doesn't believe it.
How do I get her to feel sexy? I'd love to see her in some nice lingerie but whenever I suggest it she says "you have to look like a Victoria's Secret model to wear that stuff." I disagree. Sure, I'm realistic, there are plenty of things she couldn't get away with wearing. But there's plenty of stuff she could wear that would look nice on her. Even if I could get her to put something on she wouldn't feel comfortable in it, she'd be like Ralphie wearing the bunny suit his aunt sent him for Christmas.
She's always complaining about her clothes, about how she can never find anything that fits her, about how she looks awful in everything. I'd love to surprise her with a nice new dress and take her out for a night on the town. She'd love that too. But I didn't have sisters and I have no clue how to shop for a woman. I'd also be afraid that whatever I bought wouldn't be right for her. Could I show pictures to some consultant and have her/him pick something out? Is there a certain type of dress that looks good on everyone?
I've sent her off for pedicures and massages. It relaxes her, she enjoys it, but that's it. A makeover wouldn't go well with her. She doesn't wear a lot of make-up, which is fine with me. I think she looks fine without it.
So I guess my question is two-fold:
1) Practical advice: How can I buy her some nice clothes, things she might never buy for herself? What should I buy for her? How could I find a sexy black dress that would look good on a woman who isn't a supermodel? How could I buy it in a way that I could give it to her an hour before we go out? What is some good lingerie to buy for a somewhat conservative woman who isn't happy with her body?
2) Her attitude: How can I get her to feel sexy, despite how she thinks she looks? I'm of the belief that sexy is all about attitude. How can I get her to feel erotic? To KNOW that she's turning me on by the way she looks, or by what she's doing, and to enjoy the fact that I'm turned on? How can I get her to believe that at any given moment I desire her more than a short bus full of Penthouse pets? I know she'd enjoy it if I pounced on her and bent her over the kitchen table without even clearing the dishes, but I want her to feel like she's the one responsible for my desire to do that and I want her to enjoy that feeling. I want her to know she has the power to turn me into a quivering bowl of jelly if she wants to.