Should I participate in this wedding?

August 22, 2005 8:08 PM

Dear Abby what should I do... I’m in the wedding party of a once close friend, but I’m having doubts as to whether or not I should participate.

Some background. I was fairly close friends with the groom-to-be for a 3-4 year period, and we usually got together with a group of friends at least once a week. I’ve always enjoyed the groom’s company and he was in my wedding party two years ago. Since he met his fiancée shortly before my wedding, we have seen less and less of him. Given, we have all drifted apart geographically (though only by about 50 miles), but pleanty of effort has been made by us and others to get together from time to time. As an example, another mutual friend who lives about a mile from the bride/groom have frequently tried to get together with them and has been rebuffed with excuses such as “We need to go shopping” and “We’re busy watching TV right now” (he has 2 Tivos!). All of the groom’s pre-engagement friends feel shunned by the couple. Yet, from what has been observed (reported by attendees of the bridal showers) the couple have been close to the bride’s pre-engagement friends.
So, it turns out this (on time) friend expects me to be in his wedding party. I happened to find this out while viewing their web page for the wedding. Sure enough, there I am under groomsmen! Never formally asked. My wife dropped a reference to the oversight, and I have since been formally asked and just find that funny, not offensive. Thing is as the wedding approaches and plans are being laid out for the bachelor party, I’m beginning to realize that the whole event is going to be costly both in time an money. I have a young son and place a higher value on time spent with him than bachelor parties in Las Vegas (as chosen by the couple).
So do I just suck it up and make the best of it, or bow out since I am unlikely to see the couple ever again? And, if the latter, what is the best way to bow out gracefully?

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (9 answers total)

Obviously, this is a question that only you can answer. Do you care if you lose this person as a friend, or not? If so, then you need to be tactful. It might be easiest to make a slight compromise - remain in the wedding party but politely opt out of the bachelor party. A tuxedo rental is a small price to pay to help preserve a friendship.

The groom may simply have had a temporary lapse of sanity, and he may realize his error in a few months or years. If he does, and you've already brushed him off, you both will regret it. If he doesn't, then it's all water under the bridge.

Also, in my opinion, any bachelor party that occurs more than an hour's drive away and/or requires a substantial outlay of time and money is strictly optional.
posted by MrZero at 8:24 PM on August 22, 2005

Yeah, the bachelor party is definitely optional. I say do it--but also, you should address this guy's neglect of his friends directly. Accept the honor of being a groomsman, but also point out to him that his friends would like to see him more.
posted by josh at 8:32 PM on August 22, 2005

I bowed out of being in the wedding party of a good friend last year. While my reasons were somewhat complicated and selfish, the upshot was that I decided it was a better idea for me to not be in a wedding party I did not want to be in, for everyone's sake. I told my friend at the earliest opportunity "I'm honored to be asked to be in your wedding, but with my work and family obligations, it's going to be enough of a stretch for me just to be able to attend; I can't take on the extra commitment of being in the wedding party." He was completely understanding and, at the end of the day, I enjoyed the wedding and I might not have otherwise. If you give him enough lead time, the wedding machine will churn on just fine without you and you can attend, wish them your best, and then decide how you want to interact with the couple in the future.
posted by jessamyn at 8:34 PM on August 22, 2005

As is often the case distant friends and some times people
not even known to the groom are asked to be part of the
wedding party because of the number of bridesmaids the
bride has asked to be in the ceremony. It's a matter of
symmetry more than sentiment. Could this be the situation in your case? Or perhaps your friend feels an obligation to
have you in his wedding because he was in yours?

I don't see any reason to attend from your explaination,
but this is a decision only you can make, obviously.
posted by bat at 9:51 PM on August 22, 2005

Sounds like he's let his fiance turn him into a jerk.

Bow out of the bachelor party, but stand by him on the wedding day. You never know, it might even be enough to get back to being closer friends.

I've been in a similar situation -- but minus the wedding thing, so far -- with the whole "new woman turns old friend into pussy whipped fool who forgets his old best friend". In the end I decided it was easier to just make new friends than to waste my time with trying to do things with him. (Actually, now that I think about it, I 'traded' that one friend for 6 new friends, so whatever.)
posted by The Monkey at 12:48 AM on August 23, 2005

After a year or so of marrage, he'll probably be more interested in doing stuff with his old friends again, and perhaps regret drifting away. So I'd echo MrZero - opt out of the more optional parts of it while taking care not to burn the bridge.
posted by -harlequin- at 1:46 AM on August 23, 2005

You have a son you would rather invest the time with, he has a life partner he likes to spend more time with meaning he spends less time with friends than he used to. Same thing happened to a friend of mine over the last couple of years. We all just go along with it. Accept you are less of a priority and show your support as a friend. Don't go to the stag do if you don't fancy it, do go to the wedding.
posted by biffa at 2:19 AM on August 23, 2005

While attending an out of town bachelor party (especially one that seems to have been co-developed by the bride) is strictly optional, I do not think that you should quit the wedding party. You could (I would feel obligated) offer to organize (but not fund by yourself) a second, less posh, bachelor party. This will make you look good (which just might make the fiancee warm-up to you a bit) and it will reinforce your good intentions. As a bonus you could invite the old gang and turn the second bachelor party into a bit of a reunion.

Your basic complaint is that he has neglected your friendship for two years. You would be doing the exact same thing (i.e. neglecting the friendship) by turning down the invitation to participate in the wedding. Don't make the same mistake that he has, be better than that.

Rent the damn tux and show him that good friends are there for each other even if they haven't spoken in 2 (or even 20) years.
posted by oddman at 9:09 AM on August 23, 2005

I like the idea of springing a second bachelor party / old group reuinion on him. It doesn't have to be a big thing, just dinner, drinks, and a poker game or something. It'd help remind him that he has pals of his own that he can turn to down the road.

As for the Vegas thing, skip it. You're under no obligation to go. Your cash could go to your son rather than the casino.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 9:32 AM on August 23, 2005