How to confront someone who loves you but snubs you...
November 16, 2012 8:14 PM Subscribe
Childhood friend does not realize there is more to life than Ivy league. I am not in the Ivy league thus she does not support my career or accomplishments and criticizes them constantly. How to have an honest and non hurtful discussion about this.
posted by kettleoffish to Human Relations (39 answers total) 6 users marked this as a favorite
This is a question where I'm not sure there is a right answer. I have a friend who is competative with regard to social status. I hate to say that but it's true, but in a specific way. She is an ivory tower person, parents from the ivory tower, very much gogogogo about getting an academic career, only really values money making or business pursuits. We have been friends for 14 years. For the last five years she has been nagging me to join her in the ivory tower and dismissing my own pursuits.
The problem is, I have been making excuses for this behavior, but I'm getting tired of it too. It's a form of supposed flattery ("you're sooo mich smarter than me") but also a form of judgment. I also get annoyed by how she refers to people by their status and awards. We are close enough friends that she wants to share with me about her love life but can never seem to understand why these cold and often unlikable men, selected on the basis of fellowship funding and size of social network, do not make adequate partners. I get frustrated because when we get together despite potentially having many things including a long shared history in common we have these long conversations mostly about men. This is a red flag to me that the friendship has become more about one sided confidences.
I almost wish we worked together because it seems she would be enjoyable and produtive to work with but at some level I am really discomfited by the above. I know she is judging me (and perhaps herself) harshly only because the life above is primarily what she knows, but I want my life to be about more than status and titles and unless we manage to improve the conversation around these things I see us seriously growing apart.
I want to get us back on track but don't want to be hurtful... What do I say, Metafilter?