How legitimate a dealbreaker is weed consumption in a relationship ? A down-to-earth relationship question.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (27 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
Hello folks. I (woman, 27) have been dating a man (M, 29) for 5 months, everything went great from beginning to end, we pretty much hit it off the minute we started talking, and our relationship developped very naturally.
Right from the start, we decided not to commit to any future together, as he was applying for field works (part of him finishing his education in the biology field) that were probably going to have him stay in a third world country, or a natural reserve for many months, or more than a year... and he plans on starting a phd abroad or far from our city, as soon as this field work will be finished. I love the part of him which is passionate about environmental issues, and i didn't question his desire to follow his dream and build a career around it. We really have had wonderful times together, not only physically, but in many aspects. We had commited to enjoy the times we could share, and to be good to each other, as human beings more than merely in the couple-unit we were forming. We couldn't plan anything except for long term.
During our relationship, the only thing bugging me, which wasn't too noticeable even, was the joint he needed to smoke, before going to bed, as he sipped 2 cans of beer. it was his end of the day ritual. It did make me feel a little weird, but I thought we all have our ways to relax, and respected this aspect of his life. His general ay of interacting didnt seem altered by the alcohol and weed at all. This has been going on for years.
He left 2 months ago, we kept in touch, on an almost daily basis. I miss him a lot. I cried when he left, and am feeling generally secure and happy in my social / professional life, now. Let's say it, I am quite happy with the life I have. Now, M's mission ends up being much harder than he thought, he is almost all by himself in a very small research station (3 colleagues maximum) in an asian country, his supervisor went back to his home country, and M barely speaks the language. He he is now feeling lonely, questionning his future, things don't work too well, and he is relying on our contacts a lot. He is growing more and more attached as time passes, asking me to visit him, and being open about his desire for a future together, long-term. He tells me I am pretty much his only contact, by email and phone, at the moment.
I have a difficult time finding out & analyzing what I feel about the relationship as :
- the alcohol / weed thing comes back to my mind regularly. I feel so attached to this man, and find myself thinking "if only he had plans to smoke less, or if he stopped...", as if everything would have seemed easier if he didn't consume these things so often. He has expressed the desire to reduce it while we were together, but hasn't succeeded at it.
- when he comes back, there are chances he will be working in yet another country, or in a city mimimum 5 hours away from mine, and I just got a secure, full time job in my city, which I really hope to stay in for a long time. This will be the start of his career in research, many more field trips, and quite a few years until he will be settled professionally.
- I am really attached to him, and even if we hadn't been a couple, all I would be doing at the moment, as a friend, would be helping him out, sending him messages to cheer him up, etc. The last thing he needs from anyone, is doubts, and even less, from someone he feels that he loves.
Questions : Do you have any insight ? Is weed consumption a deal-breaker ? am I being picky when I feel bothered by it ? I can't help but feel anxious about it in the perspective of a settled relationship.
What would be the best thing to do, ethically ? I feel that being open about these doubts would be really selfish, at this point in his life. I wonder what the "right" thing looks like in terms of communication, direction to think. And generosity.
I can tell he is starting to feel I am slightly more distant than right when he left. He is being super sweet and caring, and almost apologizing for asking me to write him back. I feel his pain, not only in his work situation, general life questions, but also in the way this relationship can keep his spirits up. Thnak you for your thoughts :)