Need advice on how to "break up" with a guy I've only been seeing for a few weeks... and whether or not I am being an idiot.
posted by anonymousme to Human Relations (28 answers total) 6 users marked this as a favorite
Earlier in the year, I became single again after a year-and-a-half long relationship. It really sucked, but I learned a lot about myself and what I'm really looking for in a serious boyfriend and relationship.
I took a few months off from dating, partly on purpose and partly because I was busy with work and didn't have time to meet people. Since then I've gotten back into my hobbies and have been meeting a lot of eligible guys. I am being extremely picky this time though, but in a good way. For example, if I know a guy's family expects him to marry someone of a certain ethnicity or religion, and family is important to him, I don't even start anything with him in order to spare myself the grief. I am also at that point in my 20s where I'm not really playing around anymore; I would like to settle down within the next few years.
Over the past few months I have become friends with this guy who seems pretty perfect in every single way that is important to me. (He is extremely kind, considerate, caring, intelligent, very honest, loyal, we have a lot to talk about, many interests in common, etc).
Eventually he asked me out, and I agreed to go out with him. Since then (it has been a few weeks) he has called me and wanted to see me every single day. I never have to worry and wonder if he will call me because he is calling me and texting me all the time. That makes me feel very happy. I think he is really serious about me and he has started to repeatedly mention that he is getting to the point in his life where he is open to settling down with the right woman.
The problem is that I don't feel any sparks with him. I'm not excited about him. I don't have any crushy feelings about him. I'm not infatuated with him. I'm not like thinking about him all the time. I don't feel the urge to stare at photos of him. I have had sex with him just to see if that would change anything, and it was good and I enjoyed it, but I still don't feel any sparks.
I think the reason I don't feel sparks, unfortunately, is mostly because of his looks. He is not what you would usually call a good looking man - he has odd, irregular features, bad teeth, and a few other things going on. This is the main thing that makes me feel like such a total idiot, the idea that I would give up someone so great just because of something like this, that it must mean I have some kind of deep shallowness that is going to screw me over in life.
At the same time, there is another guy who I DO feel sparks for. Nothing is going to happen between me and him for a variety of good reasons that I won't get into, and he is not right for me. But it just reminds me of what isn't there. All three of us are friends and whenever I hang out with them both at the same time, I feel extremely weird and uncomfortable. That I am there with one guy, but I feel this really strong urge to kiss the other one, and a feeling like I wish I was there with him instead.
I feel like I should "break up" with this first guy and stay single until I find someone who is compatible with me, and I do feel sparks with.
But then I'm thinking that maybe I'm an idiot for giving up such a perfect guy for a reason like this, rather than appreciating him more. I know very well that a good man can be really hard to find. If I made the decision to commit to him, I would be completely loyal and give up all thoughts of the other guys (I have never cheated on anyone, physically or emotionally) but just the idea of making that decision to commit is scaring me.
If I do "break up" with him, what should I say? We haven't had any kind of exclusivity talk yet, and it's only been a few weeks, so I feel really weird having a whole formal talk. But I think it would be really abrupt, rude, and cruel, to go from seeing each other every day and sleeping together almost every single night, to nothing, without talking about it. But what do you even say to someone in that situation? We have pretty much been acting like two people who are falling madly in love, and I do think that's what it is on his side, while on my side, in my head, it's more like "Wow! You are really perfect on a personality level and I like you so much and like having sex with you! But..."