I want to decorate with my boyfriend but he'll kind of be ... away
November 12, 2012 2:37 PM Subscribe
How do I deal with preparing for a life with my boyfriend when I know he’s going to have to spend some time in jail for a DUI?
posted by anonymous to human relations (16 answers total)
Me: Mid 40s female. BF: Mid 50s male
We have been together for two years. The first year and a half were fine with his drinking. He’d occasionally have too much and I would talk to him about it. He’d be fine for four, five months and then it would escalate again, usually in conjunction with a stressful time in his life. He was never violent/angry … Just a sad drunk. Other than that, our relationship is wonderful. He’s funny, smart, tender and thinks his girlfriend is the smartest, prettiest woman on the planet. My family adores him.
Recently, he got arrested for a DUI and hit his bottom. He’s been in AA, got a sponsor, got a therapist and decided to stop medicating his anxiety/depression with alcohol. His longtime doctor is working with him on anti-anxiety medication. We’re attending our local Unitarian Universalist church and he’s interested in their sobriety group as well. My family is also loving and supportive at this time.
Things are going great. Before all this happened, we had been planning to move in together in January and save money for a wedding. Obviously, we’ve mutually agreed to put the wedding off until he’s had at least a full year of sobriety. But we’re still moving in together because it makes much more sense for us financially. I’m not worried about his relapsing, though I know and understand addiction and its pitfalls. What’s gnawing at me is that I want to be excited and girly about combining our households but I can’t because I know that he’s going to have to do a couple of weeks in jail and possibly some house arrest for about 30 days. We live in a state with extremely stringent DUI laws and though BF has an attorney, we have to be prepared for the worst. We don’t know what that will be at this point. I know it doesn’t sound like a lot of time but it will be both inconvenient and embarrassing (which I guess is the point.)
I guess my question is, how do I get through this time? We only know that he won’t have to serve any time before the holidays are up but other than that, the attorney can’t tell us much else. I know everyone is going to say Al-Anon but so far, I just can’t bring myself to go. I went to one meeting and it was the most depressing thing I’ve ever done. All I heard were stories like this: “He/She was sober for 10 years, then he relapsed, had an affair with his secretary, developed a gambling problem and we lost the house in a card game.” I wish I were exaggerating.
I might be willing to try a different Al-Anon meeting but I’d love to hear some other advice.