don't you want me, baby?
November 11, 2012 3:23 PM Subscribe
How do I deal with my new boyfriend's low sex drive?
posted by bengalibelle to human relations (46 answers total) 9 users marked this as a favorite
I just started dating a man, we've been together for about a month and (almost) everything has been Cloud 9. We discussed commitment early and I feel very secure with the relationship, in general. Sort of. But he doesn't want sex as often as I do! This is perplexing to me.
In the VERY beginning, I didn't observe a problem but now it's gotten to the point where I see him once, maybe twice a week and we have sex ONCE per date. To me this is bizarre! When we do have sex it is great, really passionate and connected and he tells me how amazing I am, etc. We both admitted that we are falling for each other/crazy about each other. But...if that's true, why doesn't he want to be inside of me, like, all the time? My response to falling in love is wanting sex constantly and I don't understand how he can feel similarly to me without a libido surge, especially since he is a man.
I brought this up with him recently, and said I feel like the balance is off and I am beginning to feel undesirable. He said that it's not a personal thing, that I am on hyperdrive and need to be able to live somewhere between his drive and my own. I just don't know if I can compromise that without constantly doubting the relationship. Here's the thing though - everything else is wonderful. I honestly mean that. I love spending time with him, we enjoy each other's company and have a smooth general rapport and intellectually engaging conversations. I am not sure if this is a fundamental incompatibility, or even if it is an incompatibility or a result of the fact that he is an investment banker and works crazy hours.
There is another aspect of this - he assures that the difference is not a result of him feeling differently about me than I do for him, but my intuition just tells me that it must be. How can he be lying next to me and not want me? I have literally BEGGED him for sex and he refuses because he's tired. We've been dating for only a month, not married for ten years! Am I crazy, or are there men out there (or do you know men) who can be falling in love with a woman and not want to have sex with her like 7+ times a week / night? Am I too focused on the sex? How do I make myself feel less insecure about this?? I don't want this to be a dealbreaker, but is this difference in needs for frequency of sex basically a death knoll for this budding romance?