Comments on: Stop telling them I like things that I don't

Question: Stop telling them I like things that I don't

southeastyetagain — Thu, 08 Nov 2012 21:29:18 -0800

Portraying someone you love to another?

So the tendancy to describe or portray one person you love, like or admire to another person you love, like or admire, and to exaggerate or kind of coat the truth about one to the other so they will like each other. Is there a name for this?
It seems to be a problem in my relationship but I'm not sure how to define it so the one who is doing it will understand.

By: unknowncommand

unknowncommand — Thu, 08 Nov 2012 21:35:22 -0800

"Glossing over"?

By: These Birds of a Feather

These Birds of a Feather — Thu, 08 Nov 2012 21:46:51 -0800

It's called lying or misrepresenting. If, for a random example, your beloved sister doesn't immediately like your boyfriend until you exaggerate the fact that he shares her interest in antiques, then you're lying to your sister in order to get her to like your boyfriend even though he only likes one type of antiques and it's definitely not the kind she likes. Is that what you mean?

By: rhizome

rhizome — Thu, 08 Nov 2012 21:58:40 -0800

Hyping, possibly elision.

By: southeastyetagain

southeastyetagain — Thu, 08 Nov 2012 22:07:03 -0800

Yes, Birds of a Feather, I suppose that's it, but I don't want to sound overly confrontational. The person doing it is not malicious in any way and is probably doing it because of an insecurity or something. They do it frequently in many of their relationships. I was trying to wrap my head around the whole concept but couldn't find a way to google it or anything. I want to be as gentle as possible in calling this out.

By: the fish

the fish — Thu, 08 Nov 2012 22:07:55 -0800

I think the key point is not the fact that both parties are loved, like or admired by the one speaking the 'mistruths' but that the speaker's motivation behind the exaggeration or coating of the truth is that each person like each other for a particular reason that suits the speaker. The speaker is looking to gain something from it, to the possible detriment of the other parties, even if the gain is only a sense of balance or control in the relationship between the two parties spoken of this way.

I'm not sure there is a word in English which will suit the situation although TBoaF's lying and misrepresenting comes close. However those words are loaded.

My suggestion would be to ask why the speaker needs to revert to those tactics. Point them to definitions of integrity and confidence.

By: vegartanipla

vegartanipla — Thu, 08 Nov 2012 22:11:30 -0800

Well, I just googled synonyms for misrepresentation just in case you find one you feel is softer:

adulteration, coloring, distortion, exaggeration, fabrication, false light, falsification, lie, misstatement, mutilation, not a true picture, slant, story, stretch, tall story, twist, untruth

Some of these do seem less weighted (exaggeration, stretch).

By: fingersandtoes

fingersandtoes — Thu, 08 Nov 2012 22:14:24 -0800

Hagiography is a related concept; descriptions of people that are more flattering than accurate. It doesn't have all the nuances that you're looking for, though... "stretching the truth" may come closer.

By: Remote Network

Remote Network — Thu, 08 Nov 2012 22:40:37 -0800

Embellish?

By: Wordwoman

Wordwoman — Thu, 08 Nov 2012 22:49:05 -0800

I'd call it manipulation.

By: Swisstine

Swisstine — Thu, 08 Nov 2012 23:11:31 -0800

I like the above mentioned hyping. Hyping seems to be more about the speaker's enthusiasm rather than a blatant desire to deceive.

By: bilabial

bilabial — Fri, 09 Nov 2012 01:46:03 -0800

This may not be a conscious choice, this embellishing.

I have done it in both of my relationships that ended recently (and spectacularly badly).

I suspect it's a mix of cognitive dissonance processing in the brain (which humans are notoriously bad at) and happiness synthesis ('the one I got is better than the others')

Not that these things are any less annoying, but again, I don't think it's on purpose.

please forgive me if not coherent. It's been an ouchy night.

By: FauxScot

FauxScot — Fri, 09 Nov 2012 01:51:39 -0800

Perhaps you acknowledge it:

"X, you know I have a tendency to overemphasize the positives when connecting people I like, but Y is a man who can walk on water and not get his feet wet." (Reverse X and Y when speaking to Y.)

The truth, wielded properly, can be a fine tool.

By: lalalana

lalalana — Fri, 09 Nov 2012 03:05:25 -0800

+1 for "hype," but also "overhype." Maybe "overstate"? "Get hopes up"?

It's the opposite of "managing expectations."

By: tel3path

tel3path — Fri, 09 Nov 2012 03:22:58 -0800

Idealization.

By: southeastyetagain

southeastyetagain — Fri, 09 Nov 2012 04:32:07 -0800

I think it's a combination of the mix bilabial points out, with a side of confirmation bias thrown in.
I want to point out what's going on, to the person who is doing it, because I think it's harming rather than helping, but I don't want to make them defensive.

By: kimberussell

kimberussell — Fri, 09 Nov 2012 05:07:43 -0800

I always referred to that as spinning.

By: victoriab

victoriab — Fri, 09 Nov 2012 05:34:11 -0800

In real estate it's called puffing. - "Non-factual or extravagant statements and opinions made to enhance the perceived desirability of a property." I think it could easily be applied to people describing their great vacation, boyfriend/girlfriend, job etc.

By: French Fry

French Fry — Fri, 09 Nov 2012 06:30:08 -0800

Campaigning, is the phrased used among my circle.

When intentional it's just lying. When unintentional it's just biased.

Many people do not represent their partners accurately, Others simply don't see their partners accurately.

I don't know which is worse.

By: corb

corb — Fri, 09 Nov 2012 06:43:35 -0800

Hyping or puffing. Even when intentional, it is not lying or misrepresenting - it's attempting to increase the greater harmonics of the group.

For example. Let's say I have a dear partner and a dear friend. One of them loves cabbage. The other hates cabbage with a passion, but loves spinach. It would not be lying to say, "Oh, darling, you'll love him! He loves leafy green vegetables too!" Or, "He's so passionate about politics!" to two different people that would hate each other's politics if they actually started discussing them.

This is primarily, in my view, because these things really don't matter once a friendship gets going - but what is needed for a friendship is a jolly idea the other is a lovely fellow.

By: The Prawn Reproach

The Prawn Reproach — Fri, 09 Nov 2012 07:06:48 -0800

"Talking up" is the only option I can come up with that isn't hugely negative. It's what I'd use, because I can't really fathom a situation where emphasizing the nice things about the people you love is a bad thing. I think most interlocutors will understand that not talking shit about your friends or family is normal practice, not 'lying' or 'manipulative'.