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meeting your soulmate and not being able to have them
November 4, 2012 5:23 PM   Subscribe

I've find myself in a rather precarious situation.. I met a guy last week, and fell completely head over heels..we connected on every level imaginable. ..but two HUGE problems: 1) He has a gf 2) He lives in Australia- quite possibly the farthest physical location from me While I'm normally a rational human being, I've thrown all logic out the door because I've never experienced these kind of fireworks and I've had many meaningful relationships before. It's utterly spectacular. We've written each other daily & this doesn't seem to be just a fleeting moment. Separately, he is moving to the states within the year, and plans to break up with his girlfriend. What should I do? I feel morally wrong carrying on with someone with a SO, but at the same time am not ready to unleash something so special. I actually do believe fate brought us together. thank you!
posted by surfer127 to Human Relations (53 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
 
In the immortal words of Ice Cube: "Check yourself before you wreck yourself."

If it's THAT amazing, it will be around after he has severed ties with his girlfriend and moved into closer proximity. Right?
posted by mynameisluka at 5:26 PM on November 4, 2012 [88 favorites]


If fate brought you together, fate will ensure you come together after this fellow has disentangled himself from his relationship and moved to your continent.
posted by macadamiaranch at 5:27 PM on November 4, 2012 [5 favorites]


You've known this person for about a week. A WEEK. You don't know him. The feelings you're experiencing are lust, infatuation, and limerence, and those don't last.

I feel morally wrong carrying on with someone with a SO

Now this is a feeling you should trust.
posted by pecanpies at 5:28 PM on November 4, 2012 [58 favorites]


You're high on oxytocin and vasopressin and you're not likely to make good judgements while you're in that state. If this is fate, as several people have said, then let fate handle the stumbling blocks. No need for you to do anything or go anywhere.
posted by PsychoTherapist at 5:30 PM on November 4, 2012 [8 favorites]


You are wrong. Trust the part of you that knows that. If fate had truly brought you together, he would a) be free and b) not be leading you on. You are not special, you are not unique, and he would do this again and leave you for someone else. He "plans" to break up with his girlfriend? If he were a good guy he'd level with her right now and stop all this shit immediately. You know he won't do that. Do you really want such a disloyal person as your boyfriend? Value yourself more for goodness' sake.

This is where you stop talking to him and get the hell out of Dodge.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 5:33 PM on November 4, 2012 [15 favorites]


You are a man, yes? Is this guy out of the closet to people who know him in real life? If he's not, be extra careful, friend. It's probably ultra fun for him to have a girlfriend in person and a secret boyfriend across the world to write love letters to. He might not have any interest in being with you in any real way. And you deserve that.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 5:38 PM on November 4, 2012 [4 favorites]


You wait until he breaks up with his girlfriend and moves to the States.

If you're still thinking about this guy when that happens, then maybe there's something there. But right now - this is just the hormones talking, baby.
posted by heyjude at 5:39 PM on November 4, 2012 [1 favorite]


This is what you do.

Email/message dude. Write "I have some serious feelings for you, but I don't feel right carrying on while you have a girlfriend. Girlfriend not withstanding, it's emotionally irresponsible for me to get involved with someone so far away. So, while I wish circumstances were different, I think it's best that we keep our communications platonic and infrequent. When/if you move here, if you aren't seeing anyone then, I would really love to meet up and see if we can pick up where we left off. Until then, good luck."

And that's it. Anything else is Trouble.
posted by greta simone at 5:40 PM on November 4, 2012 [21 favorites]


I actually do believe fate brought us together.

Fate would be if he had left his girlfriend, move to your city and you two met on stalled subway after you happened to be half hour late to the job that you haven't been late too in 5 years and he had made a wrong turn after reading one of five copies of misprinted city map.

Currently Fate is banging his head against the desk and screaming "No, that's not what I planned for you!" He's wondering what the hell you can possibly do with a guy who lives as far as physically possible from you, won't be near you for another year and has a girlfriend.

You are a man, yes?

It's unclear. The previous question by this asker has the phrase "I know there is not another girl involved" when talking about themselves.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:42 PM on November 4, 2012 [14 favorites]


I know it feels impossible to think rationally when it's less like butterflies and more like monkeys ricocheting off of branches inside you, but you have to step back. You don't know this person, and nothing he could have shared with you during all of one week could have revealed who he really is, or what he is like. You don't even know what "every level imaginable" means in that short of a time, unless you've had sex, been through a tragedy, discussed parenting, or done a billion more mundane things together.

Slow down! This guy is carrying on an emotional affair (or hell, maybe even physical - how much do you really know, again?) and you don't suddenly become some special person who he changes for. I've been there - I wasn't special either. People who are capable of cheating on someone and carrying on a dying relationship don't drop that ability/desire for someone they've talked to for a week. It's a red flag.

So let him break up with his current partner, and then see where he is emotionally and if he's ready to do this with you legitimately. Because anything else makes you as bad of a person as he is right now.
posted by Tequila Mockingbird at 5:44 PM on November 4, 2012 [2 favorites]


I feel morally wrong carrying on with someone with a SO

Now this is a feeling you should trust.


Thirding that, in my experience, this is a huge red flag.
posted by ryanshepard at 5:47 PM on November 4, 2012 [1 favorite]


Watch out for him needing you to lend money for the love plane ticket
posted by thelonius at 5:47 PM on November 4, 2012 [1 favorite]


To clarify, I am female. :)
posted by surfer127 at 5:50 PM on November 4, 2012 [1 favorite]


He has a girlfriend. Stop now.

Anyone who will feel comfortable carrying on an affair with you (emotional or physical), will feel more than comfortable repeating the process with someone else, leaving you behind in the dust. He is not an amazing guy if he enters into this phase with you- he has potential if he waits to start any new beginnings until after he's "actually" broken up with his current girlfriend, if that does happen. Think of all the things she has invested into this situation as well. Your worth more than allowing yourself to be the second serving to this guy. Work on yourself so that the first instance that you hear someone is currently involved with someone else, you distance yourself emotionally. No matter how hard that might be. Know that if someone values you enough they won't want to entangle you into some pre-broken up state/mess, & won't allow the lines to get blurred. That's someone who's awesome.

Spend you precious time on other things, & people who are honestly available. Until then, work on yourself so that you don't get so attached to people after just a week. That's a crazy short amount of time! Take your thoughts elsewhere & focus on something else, attachment only increases with higher frequency of your thoughts directed towards him. If it's a situation of wanting something you can't have, then try to figure out why that's appealing for you. Listen to what people here have to say. As things are right now, it doesn't seem like a good start to a relationship.
posted by readygo at 5:58 PM on November 4, 2012 [4 favorites]


If this man is willing to ditch his gf so cavalierly and fly across the world to be with you after one week of connection, be explicitly, KEENLY aware that he will be more than willing to drop you in a heartbeat after the oxytocin wears off and he realizes you're a real life person instead of some idealized mirage.
posted by mochapickle at 6:02 PM on November 4, 2012 [4 favorites]


All, thanks for your very helpful comments, I've come to the conclusion that I should minimize contact with him while he is still committed to someone else.

For me, the uncertainty of the decision stemmed from the fact that this person was dating-NOT engaged or married to someone else. Surely, there are crazier things that have happened than meeting someone with whom you're more compatible with than your current girlfriend/boyfriend. This doesn't make you a terrible person. It's how you react to the situation, IMO, that determines that.
posted by surfer127 at 6:08 PM on November 4, 2012 [7 favorites]


Run the other way. RUN FAST.

He hooked up with you and is romantically communicating with you behind his GF's back.

That there is the "rush" you are both feeling. It's illicit! Taboo! Shhhh!!

No. It's not sexy and secret. It's just sneaky.

Run.
posted by jbenben at 6:10 PM on November 4, 2012 [2 favorites]


This doesn't make you a terrible person. It's how you react to the situation, IMO, that determines that.

Right. And the person in question reacted... How? By going behind his partner's back to hook up with you. That's not the good reaction. That's cheating. That's the terrible person way of dealing with developing an attraction to someone else.

Stop defending this guy. You will never be able to fix this person so that he'd be loyal to you and only you even if you did end up together. Don't waste time minimizing contact -- cut it off completely and stop selling yourself short. He is not worthy of you.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 6:17 PM on November 4, 2012 [4 favorites]


This doesn't make you a terrible person. It's how you react to the situation, IMO, that determines that.

And the fact that he didn't break up with his current SO immediately (and still hasn't) puts him in the category of douche. And what he's doing to her now he will do to you too. And how do you know he isn't seeing someone else who isn't you or his girlfriend?
posted by MaryDellamorte at 6:18 PM on November 4, 2012 [12 favorites]


I actually do believe fate brought us together.

Somebody who cheats with you will cheat on you.
posted by mhoye at 6:28 PM on November 4, 2012 [19 favorites]


I'll put it this way: A guy who cheats on his girlfriend gets together with a woman who thinks that's okay. What could go wrong? Perhaps you think that you corrupted him with your irrestable charms? Maybe it was his fault because he was so...well, attractive.

Mistakes aren't what make us terrible people, although putting lipstick on pigs makes us fools. If you can look back on this and feel a little ashamed, then you probably have learned something. If you think it's okay because he wasn't married, then that's the world you'll live in.

Integrity doesn't come free. If it did, we would have no use for a conscience.
posted by mule98J at 6:29 PM on November 4, 2012 [6 favorites]


Surely, there are crazier things that have happened than meeting someone with whom you're more compatible with than your current girlfriend/boyfriend. This doesn't make you a terrible person. It's how you react to the situation, IMO, that determines that.

But someone who "plans to break up with" their SO and is either shopping for the replacement or playing the field in the interim? "Terrible" or not, that is not a person to whom you should entrust your heart.
posted by gingerest at 6:30 PM on November 4, 2012 [1 favorite]


"Fate" is what we call it when we need a convenient way to divest ourselves of agency to do something we know we shouldn't. Don't do the convenient thing instead of the right thing.
posted by griphus at 6:43 PM on November 4, 2012 [25 favorites]


Sounds fabulous! And after you're together, when fate throws a shiny new soulmate into his path, all's fair in love and war, right?

C'mon. Be better than this.
posted by Space Kitty at 7:12 PM on November 4, 2012 [11 favorites]


It's too hot for "limited contact."

I think you know this.

Hon. You don't really know what their relationship is.

All you have are the assurances of someone who has let you know that he's open to lying. So, he's a cheater and a liar.

Also...

In my experience, people don't "plan" to break up - they do it. Usually when they are "planning to break up" -- they don't ever get around to it, the timing is wrong, etc., etc..

When this exact same thing happened to me, she moved across the US. I thought they were broken up, but still friends.

Cut to one year later...

She shows up to surprise visit him. Let's just say I was surprised, too, when I answered the door that morning.

It didn't end well. And it took too much of my energy.

This guy is wrong for you. It's not what you think. The proof is he is willing to go behind her back.
posted by jbenben at 7:21 PM on November 4, 2012 [8 favorites]


For me, the uncertainty of the decision stemmed from the fact that this person was dating-NOT engaged or married to someone else

How do you know he's not married or engaged? Because he told you? What do you think he's telling her while he fools around behind her back? Why do you believe he's being honest to you, if he'd be willing to lie to her?
posted by Dynex at 7:37 PM on November 4, 2012 [2 favorites]


Do you want a guy who would start up something with a woman while he's in a relationship with another? I didn't think so, because if he'll do it to her, he'll do it to you. Run away.
posted by summerstorm at 8:03 PM on November 4, 2012


I wouldn't just minimise contact, I would ELIMINATE contact until he's free. Essentially, tell him to call you when he's in town and not in a relationship.

This is the hardest thing to be disciplined about, but do not engage with this situation.
posted by mooza at 8:06 PM on November 4, 2012 [2 favorites]


surfer127: "Surely, there are crazier things that have happened than meeting someone with whom you're more compatible with than your current girlfriend/boyfriend. This doesn't make you a terrible person. It's how you react to the situation, IMO, that determines that."

Yes. And the ethical way of dealing with it is not to try to have both relationships, it's to either cleanly end the current relationship so one can start a new one, or to clearly commit to the existing relationship and not string the shiny new person along.

I speak from experience here. I met my now-husband face-to-face on a Wednesday night at a convention and flew home on Sunday to break up with the guy I was living with at the time. Only after that, once I was ethically unencumbered, did now-hubby and I proceed to get it on. (We're 17+ years together at this point, FWIW, and to this day glad we didn't start out with secrecy and broken promises.)
posted by Lexica at 8:10 PM on November 4, 2012 [5 favorites]


For me, the uncertainty of the decision stemmed from the fact that this person was dating-NOT engaged or married to someone else. Surely, there are crazier things that have happened than meeting someone with whom you're more compatible with than your current girlfriend/boyfriend. This doesn't make you a terrible person. It's how you react to the situation, IMO, that determines that.

I'm actually less concerned about the ethics, and more concerned that you're just getting played.

When someone says he's gonna leave his partner for you, but he wants to sleep with you now now now instead of waiting until after the breakup is over, it means one of two things.

1) He's telling the truth. He likes you, he wants to be with you, he's willing to rearrange his life to do it. He's just got a ridiculously short attention span and absolutely no patience whatsoever.

2) He's lying. He has no interest in leaving his partner. He just thinks he'll be able to get you in bed if he makes big shiny false promises. He figures the longer he can keep stringing you along, the more play he can get from you on the side, without ever having to deliver on anything.

In my experience, unfortunately, #2 is way more likely than #1 here — especially since you've only known this guy a week.
posted by nebulawindphone at 8:11 PM on November 4, 2012


No one said you are a terrible person, it's the situation that's not right. I would subjectively venture to guess (but only can rightfully speak for myself, of course), that what everyone here is writing is to get you to see that this is not a bullfight you want to enter. There's no judgment, & of course there are worse situations.

All I can be sure of is what I wrote was only in the intention of what I see as your best interest, & not a judgment call. Like I said, I think if you pursue this in it's current state, it will probably not have a positive outcome of a happy ending in the long term. I know you don't want to hear that. I understand. I've been there.

I hope you will think about why your really have such strong feelings for someone after just a week (I wouldn't even give my phone number out to someone I haven't known more than a week- that's such a short time. Take a step back, relax, there's no harm in it :) Think about what void you're trying to fill, because really, that's a minuscule time span to get so deeply infatuated with someone.

Most importantly (in my opinion), think about why you would settle for anyone who would enter into an emotional entanglement with you, when they're still very much currently in a relationship. That's a red flag. You deserve so much better than that, really you do. Take some time off from thinking about him, & think about why you would even consider being with someone who's already in a relationship (I know, he said he's "about" to break up with her). Do know that people are capable of saying anything if it might get them what they want. Look out after your own heart first.

If you start off with a relationship imbalance (that of knowingly taking part & accepting sloppy seconds, "accepting" being the most powerful word here), then you set the precedent for the rest of the relationship. There's a good chance he won't respect you if you become entangled with him while he's still currently in a relationship. I would venture to guess that this is ultimately not what you want. So take one step back, think about other things, & focus on someone who's available for you now. He sounds like he's in the middle of a mess that you don't want to be in. It doesn't sound very honest on his part. You should be aware of that. As things currently are, you can do better. I promise.
posted by readygo at 8:17 PM on November 4, 2012 [3 favorites]


In general, I cannot disagree with the previous answerers. However, theirs one way to find out where he really stands. Send him an email that says that you are throwing caution to the wind, have purchased a plane ticket to Australia, will be arriving next week, and plan on staying with him for two weeks. If he says, "Great, send me your flight info so I can pick you up." you know he really is not in a serious relationship or it is really ending. If he says anything that smacks of hesitation, you know he is playing you.

Or, just cut back communication with an explanation about waiting until he has moved to your area and has ditched his so/gf.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 9:24 PM on November 4, 2012 [2 favorites]


I'm surprised that you are discounting anything short of engagement or marriage; there are plenty of relationships that are committed despite the participants not being interested in marriage (yet, or at all).

I suggest you tell him to contact you when he's a) broken up with the current girlfriend, b) had time to get over her (so you know he's not just on the rebound) and possibly also c) in your part of the world. This would be the logical thing to do - and I suspect you know it despite saying that your morals and logic faculties have gone out the window.

If this is meant to be, and as special as you say it is for both of you, then you'll hear from him when he's in a position to let this be all it could be. If it's fated and all that amazing, it's worth waiting for - and it won't be hurt by his taking the time to do things the right way, surely?
posted by Someone Else's Story at 9:56 PM on November 4, 2012 [1 favorite]


I met a guy last week, and fell completely head over heels..we connected on every level imaginable

Hi. Did you know that there are guys who are very very skilled and well practiced at creating this feeling deliberately? I know a guy like this, in fact I have known him very well for a long time. I have watched him do this with woman, after woman, after woman, all of whom were convinced they had met their soulmate and declared they had never felt anything like it before.

At first I thought he was just a player, but it took me years to realize he is actually a sadist. He is after sex too but more than that, he is after emotions. He wants the women to fall in love with him. He wants to have a very intense, emotionally involved thing. And he wants to torture them with it. He wants them to always be on edge about where things are and what is going to happen. He wants them to suspect and dread about his involvement with other women. Finally, he wants them to find out about everything he is doing behind their backs. At first I thought he was just sloppy about it, but then I realized he *deliberately* wanted them to find out. I have seen him do this ... counting ... at least 7 times since I have known him, that I can remember.

If you met him, you'd have no idea. He doesn't come off like a serial killer, he comes off as a totally regular, normal, fun guy. But he just has this very strong drive to torture women in this particular way.

Your description of this guy and the situation with him reminds me of this very strongly.
posted by cairdeas at 10:49 PM on November 4, 2012 [26 favorites]


Also, the guy I'm describing above is extremely good looking and usually does this to women who are more average looking. I think one of the reasons is that it's easier to pull this off if the other person believes they would never normally be able to find someone like that, who would be interested in them. Just be careful of that.
posted by cairdeas at 10:56 PM on November 4, 2012 [4 favorites]


However, theirs one way to find out where he really stands. Send him an email that says that you are throwing caution to the wind, have purchased a plane ticket to Australia, will be arriving next week, and plan on staying with him for two weeks

That sounds incredibly manipulative and fucked up.
posted by ryanrs at 11:24 PM on November 4, 2012 [2 favorites]


Regarding the "not engaged or married" = not a serious relationship rationalising - be aware that there is a cultural difference at work here - 'down under' we* don't do American-style 'dating'. An Aussie guy is likely to use the term 'girlfriend' to describe a woman he lives with, shares assets with, even has children with.

Others have covered the angles of limerence, hormones, and you've-only-known-this-guy-for-a-week, but I wanted to say that this bit "he ... plans to break up with his girlfriend. " is the thing that stood up and waved a red flag for me, and you might want to examine that idea closely to get some insight into his character.

He has basically told you that he will be going through the motions of a relationship day to day and deceiving his girlfriend, while cheating on her (emotionally at least) with you, for however many days/weeks/months it takes until it is convenient to break up with her.
Are you okay with someone who can scheme like that?

If he says he is delaying the breakup for her benefit, 'to spare her pain', for example, just have a rummage around in AskMe for questions from her point of view and you will see what a lie that is.


*(I'm a Kiwi, but NZ/OZ culture is fairly close in this respect).
posted by Catch at 11:29 PM on November 4, 2012 [11 favorites]


So best case scenario he's stringing along his significant other while planning to dump her at some time convenient to him while also keeping you on the side. Worst case he's not who he says he is and this is a scam. Assuming even the best case, I'm sad that this is what you consider your soul mate, you should have much higher standards than this. A guy that's willing to ditch his current relationship for someone he's known for week, and likely never even met, again is not soul mate material.

Also, have you even met this guy? You say he's in Australia so I don't really see how? So you're not connecting on all levels, you're barely connecting on the surface. There is no way you can know anything about what kind of chemistry you can have (let alone plan for a real future) and everything else in your brain right now is just fantasy. It's so easy to fill in all the gaps with whatever you want to see and the end result is often pretty seamless, but that's exactly what your brain is doing here. Swooning over fate and nursing butterflies is fun, but it's not real.

Don't wait around for him to move over there, not even with 'minimal contact'. All you're going to do is build up the fantasy in your brain even more while using it as an excuse to not engage with the actual real world around you. He'll never live up to it all. You can't be friends with him while your brain is too busy playing tricks on you so cut off contact 100% and go back to dealing with whatever it is you're using this as a distraction from.
posted by shelleycat at 12:28 AM on November 5, 2012 [2 favorites]


Also, even if you have met this guy and even spent every minute together for the week you've known him, you still don't know him well enough to be making judgement calls about a soul mate, and you're still clearly subconsciously filling in the gaps with whatever works best for you. This isn't real.

You start off by saying you're in a precarious situation, which doesn't even make sense since you're not about to lose all your money or something. It's just part of the of the overblown, drama filled language you're using around the whole thing. This doesn't make you a bad person and isn't even unusual, but you're obviously not thinking clearly right now and need to take a giant step backwards so that your brain can calm down.
posted by shelleycat at 12:39 AM on November 5, 2012 [1 favorite]


Australian men know women in certain countries like them, and they enjoy that. Sorry, but I would guess it's likely to be a travel thing for him.
posted by inkypinky at 12:46 AM on November 5, 2012 [1 favorite]


Look, I'm an American marrying an Australian I met on a business trip. I'm not a believer in "love at first sight" but this is as close as I'd ever come to it, and the feeling turned out to be mutual. We had extreme long distance going for a while, and against all odds and probability it worked and now we live in the same country and our wedding is in six months. So that part isn't necessarily the problem.

The part where he's cheating on someone, where he is LYING to someone, is the problem. Run the fuck away from this. When you are engaged in a relationship where very expensive plane tickets are involved, AND/OR if immigration visas are involved (how exactly is he planning to have legal permission to stay in the US?), absolute trust and commitment is needed, and I think this guy has shown he cannot be trusted and he cannot honor commitments.
posted by olinerd at 2:03 AM on November 5, 2012 [3 favorites]


Maybe it's fate telling you that you can have these kinds of feelings, even if this isn't the guy it works out with.
posted by vitabellosi at 3:48 AM on November 5, 2012 [6 favorites]


This man is being incredibly honest with you in a way that I am not sure you have yet quite appreciated. Through his actions he has shown you exactly how much he values his commitments and how much he respects the women he is romantically intimate with, which is to say not nearly enough to be a person worth dating.

How familiar are you with mirroring? Folks who are talented at it can create the illusion of instant chemistry even when it isn't actually there, and it can be really non-intuitive to spot. It is also an incerdibly big red flag for all sorts of fucked up shit you don't want.
posted by Blasdelb at 4:00 AM on November 5, 2012 [6 favorites]


You want advice on drunk driving.

Part of the extreme attraction is the extreme inaccessibility.

He / you are just another boy/girl. Don't kid yourself.

However, you ARE drunk, and will likely make the same bad decisions everyone else does, so we'll note your user id and read the waahhwaahh stories in a few years, if it takes that long.

This part of things wears off, bud. When it does, you're in australia, with a guy you don't know and all your friends 10,000 miles away. Sounds like a good idea?
posted by FauxScot at 4:02 AM on November 5, 2012 [2 favorites]


I feel like a dick even typing this, but ... it's extremely easy for us Aussie guys to woo you American ladies via the interwebs.

I guess I'm trying to say this guy is probably not as wonderful in the flesh as he seems online. And yeah, nationality aside, his "planning to break up" is disrespectful to both you and his maybe-future-ex. If he's going to break up with her, he should man up and do it, not string her out while he's setting something up with someone on the other side of the world.

I feel sorry for his current girlfriend. Don't put yourself in the same situation.

And yes, seconding what catarrh said above: In this part of the world, "girlfriend" generally means "significant other, whom I plan to spend the rest of my life with".
posted by Diag at 4:48 AM on November 5, 2012 [1 favorite]


I meant "seconding what Catch said". I dunno where I got catarrh from.
posted by Diag at 4:55 AM on November 5, 2012


We cannot possibly have any idea of how wonderful or not this guy actually is. In your place, I'd tread carefully and observe and let time do it's thing. You can experience fireworks and stuff and still be logical. There is no incompatibility there.

Even if you met the guy IRL (you actually don't tell us), "last week" seems far too early for deciding anything. Generally speaking it is wise to let someone disentangle themselves thoroughly and put themselves solidly back on their feet, before encouraging them to come any closer.

If you met him online, what do you know? Maybe he smells funny.
posted by Namlit at 4:57 AM on November 5, 2012


So, yeah, you've heard all the "CHEATERS ARE CHEATERS ALWAYS" and the "you're high on limerence" and the "he's just playing you girl" talk now. (There's also the "dudes who move to new countries don't settle down with the first lady they meet" thing, not sure anyone hit that old saw yet.)

So now that the generally of course quite accurate but kinda moralistic stuff is out of the way...

Sounds great! Life is messy. The worst, kind of, that can happen is that he moves here and it doesn't work out. You'll live. Your question "What should I do?" is difficult to answer. If you want to pursue him, this is going to be a dicy period before he moves here (and, yes, is single). There's only so many ways you can email "MISS YOUUUU" without it getting empty. I would personally limit communication, or at least focus it on the day to day, instead of getting dreamy and romantic and crazy.

You should, yes, also try to be watching how he deals with and talks about his current girlfriend; that is informative. His agreements are his concerns, not yours—but you'll learn about how he treats his agreements. As for you? Do what you want! Life is short, etc.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 7:02 AM on November 5, 2012 [1 favorite]


Ehh...
My SO of 4 years left his long term partner for me. We're doing great!
Although, we had known each other for years and he lived in a neighboring state- not a foreign country. And he left her about 2weeks after non-intimate conversation with me.

Love is love.
posted by KogeLiz at 9:32 AM on November 5, 2012


thank you all very much for your comments..they have been extremely helpful.

I also found the article below from the NYT very relevant..

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/11/04/opinion/sunday/i-heart-unpredictable-love.html?src=rechp&_r=0
posted by surfer127 at 10:44 AM on November 5, 2012


Although, we had known each other for years and he lived in a neighboring state- not a foreign country. And he left her about 2weeks after non-intimate conversation with me.

In other words, apples and oranges. Not the same as the OP's situation at all.

Unless this guy leaves his girlfriend STAT, he's a loser and user.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 11:14 AM on November 5, 2012 [2 favorites]


When I was in college (almost 10 years ago now), I met an Australian guy travelling (I'm from the US, we were travelling in the US).

We fell in love. Spent an amazing week together.

On his way back home (met him on the tail end of a 7 year trip around the world), he wrote me a letter telling me how wonderful I was, how well we fit together, how much he wanted to be with me, etc.

And at the end of that letter, he mentioned that he had lied when I asked him if he had a girlfriend.

He said he was going to break up with her. He wanted to be with me. And I wanted to be with him so much that I agreed.

We were together for a few months when he came to visit. He paid for his ticket, but I paid for everything else. It was a great five weeks. Then he went home. And the phone calls, letters, emails, etc. started to space out and then eventually stopped. I booked a ticket out to see him, as we had discussed, and he freaked out and told me I couldn't come at the last minute.

Fast forward a few months. My friend in NZ found out that he had moved back in with his girlfriend (with whom it seems unlikely that he broke up with months earlier) and was keeping both of us a secret from one another.

I don't know that I've fully recovered from it. Your story hurt because it sounds so much like what I would have written after that first amazing week.

If he moves and if he immediately breaks up with the girlfriend and is transparent about it 100%, maybe you can consider getting to know him better.

But I wish I could convince you what I never could have convinced myself to do at that point: Run. And don't look back. Don't give your heart away to someone who can disappear so easily. Don't give your heart to someone who would engage your emotions, then continue a relationship with his girlfriend indefinitely.

It would have saved me years and years of heartbreak and depression and loss and pain if I could have walked away. I want to save you from that.

Memail me if you want to know anything else.
posted by guster4lovers at 8:19 PM on November 5, 2012 [3 favorites]


Look up limerence.
posted by cass at 11:03 AM on November 6, 2012 [1 favorite]


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