I am so stuck. The time has come to end my marriage and I can't get the words out.
November 2, 2012 5:55 PM Subscribe
I feel like I am experiencing sleep paralysis--I know I want to wake up but I just can't move. I've had no shortage of difficult life challenges over the years. Leaving a drug-addled, abusive family behind, holding dying loved ones, quitting cigarettes, I've ended LTRs in the past (and had them ended by partners too). I am not an over-thinker or an indecisive person and this feels so weird.
posted by anonymous to human relations (5 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
There's been ongoing couples counselling a couple times a week for the past six months, so we've tried earnestly to fix things. I don't need to rehash particulars here: I'm just plain done.
We're mid 40s, no kids, married 11 years, both employed. I have a solid support network that will be mildly surprised but available. I have a place I can go. Spouse does not have close connections with anyone but me, and that is something I do worry about, but it is not clouding the fact that it needs to happen. There is no history of violence or even anger really, so I'm not concerned about safety. In short, I should be able to do this.
Every divorce I've seen around me has had a villain to act as a catalyst: infidelity, drugs, violence. I don't have an example of a what a divorce without these things looks like.
But: How do I break this paralysis? How did you do it? Where do you find the strength?
Is it better to do it at home, or do I just say it during a counselling session? Or roll out these feelings over a few weeks? We've never even talked about separating--everything has been focused on negotiating needs and constructively fixing things. I tend to fall into fix-it mode during sessions (even when immediately before and after "I want a divorce" is stuck in my lungs trying to push air through my vocal chords).
I know there will be unexpected feelings and logistics that come up. I know it will be awful and hard. I want to be respectful and decent about it but at the same time I just want to get it done and I'm completely stuck.
(Thanks in advance for the inevitable counselling advice. I've taken advantage of it before the couples therapy (that's how I got this far) and will again after separation, it's awesome.)