Dysthymia care package
November 2, 2012 9:10 AM Subscribe
How can I constructively help my newly long-distance boyfriend with possible low-grade depression? I'd like ideas for what to send him in a care package, and I'm also wondering if I'm being overbearing / Jesus Girlfriend-y. Snowflakes inside.
My boyfriend of a year recently finished his graduate degree and moved back home (1,000 miles+ away from me) to live with his family and look for a job. While he was here, he often struggled with lack of motivation, melancholy, and social anxiety, which we mostly chalked up to the horrible task of finishing a dissertation. When he was here, if he was feeling depressed and unmotivated, I could do something nice for him like make him a nutritious meal, give him a hug, or participate in pleasurable activities which might count as exercise. He was also seeing a therapist the last 6 months he was here, mostly about his social anxiety, although it went slowly because he has difficulty opening up to people. Now, he's far away, feeling the same way (and without insurance, he can't meet with a therapist or psychiatrist like he used to), and I feel a little helpless that I can't do anything for him. His family is proud of him that he finished his degree, but they are kind of old fashioned and not the type of people to talk about depression, unless he was threatening suicide or something, which he's not. We talk on the phone every day, and it seems like he is more melancholy since he moved back.
I don't want to be a straight up "Jesus girlfriend," but I think he is really in a rough spot. Normally the advice would be to get therapy or see a psychiatrist, but he doesn't have health insurance and won't be able to get any until he gets a job. I'm worried that he's going to slide into a rut of worse depression. I can't visit him for a couple more months, as well. We've talked about possible depression and solutions, and he says that he kind of wants to eat healthier and exercise, but can't find the motivation. He's said he almost wishes he had a "drill instructor" type person to get him to do stuff.
So, my questions are:
1) What kind of care package can I send him to help with "the melancholy blues"? My best friend struggled with pretty intense depression, and she said that what made the most difference for her in the end was exercising vigorously and regularly, eating good food, and taking fish oil and vitamin d supplements. My boyfriend used to be an athlete in college, but fell out of the exercise habit in grad school, he's also a great cook when he puts his mind to it. I was thinking of sending him: a Trader Joes gift card and a grocery list / recipe instructions of easy healthy tasty stuff we used to make together plus some spices; a bodyweight workout book that I have, a list of exercise sets and reps to do, and some protein powder; and fish oil and vitamin D supplements. Maybe something fun as well, like comic books?
2) Is this idea even too overbearing? Should I just let him tough it out? I think that what will ultimately help him will be to meet with a professional for therapy and perhaps pharmaceutical treatment, which is what he says he wants to do... but until he gets a job with insurance, he can't afford that. And it's going to be difficult for him to get a job if he constantly feels this way. He has always been there for me when I've been stressed out and sad, and if the roles were reversed I know he would do the same for me. I don't need him to be a certain way (to be "fixed" or whatever) to love him, but I know he's unhappy and he's having trouble finding the wherewithal to change.
My boyfriend of a year recently finished his graduate degree and moved back home (1,000 miles+ away from me) to live with his family and look for a job. While he was here, he often struggled with lack of motivation, melancholy, and social anxiety, which we mostly chalked up to the horrible task of finishing a dissertation. When he was here, if he was feeling depressed and unmotivated, I could do something nice for him like make him a nutritious meal, give him a hug, or participate in pleasurable activities which might count as exercise. He was also seeing a therapist the last 6 months he was here, mostly about his social anxiety, although it went slowly because he has difficulty opening up to people. Now, he's far away, feeling the same way (and without insurance, he can't meet with a therapist or psychiatrist like he used to), and I feel a little helpless that I can't do anything for him. His family is proud of him that he finished his degree, but they are kind of old fashioned and not the type of people to talk about depression, unless he was threatening suicide or something, which he's not. We talk on the phone every day, and it seems like he is more melancholy since he moved back.
I don't want to be a straight up "Jesus girlfriend," but I think he is really in a rough spot. Normally the advice would be to get therapy or see a psychiatrist, but he doesn't have health insurance and won't be able to get any until he gets a job. I'm worried that he's going to slide into a rut of worse depression. I can't visit him for a couple more months, as well. We've talked about possible depression and solutions, and he says that he kind of wants to eat healthier and exercise, but can't find the motivation. He's said he almost wishes he had a "drill instructor" type person to get him to do stuff.
So, my questions are:
1) What kind of care package can I send him to help with "the melancholy blues"? My best friend struggled with pretty intense depression, and she said that what made the most difference for her in the end was exercising vigorously and regularly, eating good food, and taking fish oil and vitamin d supplements. My boyfriend used to be an athlete in college, but fell out of the exercise habit in grad school, he's also a great cook when he puts his mind to it. I was thinking of sending him: a Trader Joes gift card and a grocery list / recipe instructions of easy healthy tasty stuff we used to make together plus some spices; a bodyweight workout book that I have, a list of exercise sets and reps to do, and some protein powder; and fish oil and vitamin D supplements. Maybe something fun as well, like comic books?
2) Is this idea even too overbearing? Should I just let him tough it out? I think that what will ultimately help him will be to meet with a professional for therapy and perhaps pharmaceutical treatment, which is what he says he wants to do... but until he gets a job with insurance, he can't afford that. And it's going to be difficult for him to get a job if he constantly feels this way. He has always been there for me when I've been stressed out and sad, and if the roles were reversed I know he would do the same for me. I don't need him to be a certain way (to be "fixed" or whatever) to love him, but I know he's unhappy and he's having trouble finding the wherewithal to change.
If he's okay opening up to you, ask him how he's been feeling and ask him what has helped him historically at times like these, then do something along those lines. Send him a movie you think he'll like, or whatever.
The care package isn't a terrible idea but you may want to include more fun things than practical. You can't motivate him but you can show him that you're on his team and you love him and all that sort of thing.
If he's having trouble finding motivation and he wants a drill instructor then he needs someone local who can work closely with him.
It might help to give him the advice I tried to stick with the last time I was depressed: Every day, do one thing (however small) that makes your life better. It could be as simple as getting new job-interview clothes, or spending a couple minutes proofreading the resume, or getting a haircut, or whatever. Doesn't matter. Just one small thing. Day by day he'll start gathering momentum and maybe that'll help.
But really, I'd be prepared to wager that a big part of the problem is that he's moved back home, away from the life he's known for a long time and away from his girlfriend of a year. Hard to keep 'em on the farm, you know? If so, then a lot of this is situational and will improve as he adjusts, especially if you keep in regular contact and plan visits and such. I also think it'd be a good idea to have a long-term plan in place for your relationship; being long-distance, especially a thousand miles, can be really taxing.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 9:24 AM on November 2, 2012 [2 favorites]
The care package isn't a terrible idea but you may want to include more fun things than practical. You can't motivate him but you can show him that you're on his team and you love him and all that sort of thing.
If he's having trouble finding motivation and he wants a drill instructor then he needs someone local who can work closely with him.
It might help to give him the advice I tried to stick with the last time I was depressed: Every day, do one thing (however small) that makes your life better. It could be as simple as getting new job-interview clothes, or spending a couple minutes proofreading the resume, or getting a haircut, or whatever. Doesn't matter. Just one small thing. Day by day he'll start gathering momentum and maybe that'll help.
But really, I'd be prepared to wager that a big part of the problem is that he's moved back home, away from the life he's known for a long time and away from his girlfriend of a year. Hard to keep 'em on the farm, you know? If so, then a lot of this is situational and will improve as he adjusts, especially if you keep in regular contact and plan visits and such. I also think it'd be a good idea to have a long-term plan in place for your relationship; being long-distance, especially a thousand miles, can be really taxing.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 9:24 AM on November 2, 2012 [2 favorites]
That care package idea sounds great, but, yeah, throw some fun shit in there. You don't want to mail him a Box of Responsibility. Comics, a new video game, a dirty movie, whatever it is you think he'll enjoy, throw it in there. And make sure to include a memento of you. Maybe a framed or wallet-size photo.
posted by griphus at 9:28 AM on November 2, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by griphus at 9:28 AM on November 2, 2012 [2 favorites]
Dark chocolate, 80+% cacao. I recommend Green & Black's 85% Bar.
posted by sharkfu at 9:34 AM on November 2, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by sharkfu at 9:34 AM on November 2, 2012 [2 favorites]
I can't see any problems with a care package (who doesn't like unexpected treats in the post?) but I'd angle it more as "hey, I'm thinking of you" rather than "sort your life out 101".
When my last girlfriend was going through a rough spot last year, I threw together a similar box containing: a book she'd mentioned loving as a child, a bag of assorted sweets, a mix CD, couple of photos & a (hopefully) thoughtful note.
posted by anagrama at 10:47 AM on November 2, 2012
When my last girlfriend was going through a rough spot last year, I threw together a similar box containing: a book she'd mentioned loving as a child, a bag of assorted sweets, a mix CD, couple of photos & a (hopefully) thoughtful note.
posted by anagrama at 10:47 AM on November 2, 2012
There is a lot of good advice here already, but I'd like to add that some therapists will work on a sliding-scale and charge what someone without insurance can afford. It might be worth looking into since therapy was something he had started before he moved home.
posted by spooky car at 1:50 PM on November 2, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by spooky car at 1:50 PM on November 2, 2012 [1 favorite]
What if you cooked "together" via Skype? Make a shopping list, each go to the store and pick up what you need and then Skype while you prep and cook your separate-but-together meals? It'd encourage healthy eating, and it might snap him into action more than getting a package of recipes would.
posted by JannaK at 3:27 PM on November 2, 2012
posted by JannaK at 3:27 PM on November 2, 2012
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If he must tell him to join a depression forum where he can vent and get some motivation. Tell him to go on 10 minute walks while you guys are on the phone together, you both can go for walks and talk on the phone. It's only 10 minutes a day. I hope it all works out for you both!
posted by Autumn89 at 9:19 AM on November 2, 2012