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How can I win his heart back?
November 1, 2012 11:51 PM   Subscribe

please help me gain back his trust and love - i feel like i'm dying

I have really messed up and could use some straightforward advice.
For the past year I have been dating the most wonderful guy, long distance. Due to the distance, we have often felt different emotions at different times, but when we were together, we both felt so much in love. We had plans to move in together before Christmas.

Last time I visited, I got pregnant. We didn't use protection, I thought it would be ok (I've never been able to conceive, my ex and I tried for years). Needless to say, I was very badly mistaken. I was incredibly ill for a month, and then found out why. When I told him, he lost his mind. firstly, because he felt it was my fault (which, I accept, I felt terrible, it was my fault). but also, despite his being in his thirties, he felt a child would 'ruin his life'. he told me he still loved me and wanted to be with me, but that a child wouldn't work right now. I felt very protective of the unborn child, and told him, no matter what, I would never hold him responsible. I felt very protective towards this little unborn unplanned child, and in my heart chose the child over him. In my defense, I think this is natural behavior for a mother.

Fast forward two weeks, to the doctor informing me I was to miscarry as the heartbeat had stopped. I let him know immediately, I felt he would be happy, but also comforting. He was due to visit in a few days, and I truly looked forward to being together, holding each other. However, when i told him, he informed me he had fallen out of love with me, didn't want to visit. He said he cared for me as a friend, but that his feelings towards me were changed due to the miscarriage. I sort of lost my cool, begged him to reconsider, not leave me when I needed him most (miscarriage is awful, expected child or not). But he felt honesty would serve him best and he wanted OUT. He has since avoided me, and I've pitifully been begging him for friendship. we used to speak several times a day, and his absence is keenly felt. He is pleasant enough when he does respond to my messages, but, I'm embarrassing myself with my need for him. Even if he only has friendship to offer, the hole left by him in my life is immense. Two months ago he told me I was the best thing in his life, and today I am forgotten???

The thing is - I feel 100% certain he would love me if he could see me.. i'm still thinking about moving to his province, and trying to win him back eventually.. I see that I made many mistakes, but, had I not gotten pregnant, we would be together right now.

Can I win him back after he thinks he 'fell out of love'? Could it just be the after effects of the shock, and when he sees me he'll feel for me again? He knows I was planning on moving there before I met him.. So it's not like I would simply be showing up out of the blue to follow him around. In fact, I plan on giving him distance, and winning him back slowly, and with friendship. Do you think I lost his trust and heart forever??
I'm so sad. I'm upset about the loss of my best friend and lover. I can't focus on life. He was the only man i've ever felt like I could be with forever. He is the best most amazing person I have ever known, and I've lost him. Please give me advice. I just want him back.
posted by canadiantuxedo to Human Relations (65 answers total) 8 users marked this as a favorite
 
First of all, I want to give you a massive hug. This is so painful, and you are so strong.

You really dodged a bullet here.

This guy is a complete ass. He was incredibly selfish when you needed him the most. It takes TWO PEOPLE to make a baby, not just one.

You don't need him in your life. He is the mess, not you. He doesn't care about you, not even as a friend, or he would have manned up when there was a baby on the way.

I know that it's hard when you feel like your entire world just fell apart. But he's not going to come back, and that's actually a good thing, because he seriously does not deserve you. While it's hard now, you are way better off without him. Stop talking to him. Surround yourself with your friends and family, people who really actually care about you, and not this selfish bastard.
posted by so much modern time at 11:59 PM on November 1, 2012 [113 favorites]


wow. i'm so sorry this happened to you but seriously? this guy is an asshole, beginning with he felt it was my fault—because what? last time i checked it took two ppl to get one of them pregnant—all the way to he had fallen out of love with me…his feelings towards me were changed due to the miscarriage…He has since avoided me….

as for him being the best most amazing person—sorry, real men, real amazing men, do not abandon women they've impregnated or children they've created.

why would you want someone back who, in a crisis, left you high and dry? you deserve better than that, and he certainly doesn't deserve you. be glad he revealed who he was to you.
posted by violetk at 12:04 AM on November 2, 2012 [51 favorites]


He was a real dick to you. Be happy you're not stuck with him. Take some time to yourself to look after yourself. Take care.
posted by heyjude at 12:06 AM on November 2, 2012 [6 favorites]


Do you have ANYONE ELSE you can rely on throughout this event?? ANYONE??

If you were in my city, I would come get you, make you a cup of tea, and comfort you like tomorrow was never going to come.

Tomorrow will come. And the day after that.

You are grieving, and you are not thinking clearly right now.

You're OK. Everything is going to be OK.

----

Have you kept your pregnancy a secret from other friends and loved ones? Does anyone else know what you are going through.

Please, please, please lean on them right now.

This man is not coming back.

You did NOTHING wrong, from beginning to end. This guy is... not who you still think he is, not what you fell in love with.

I'm so sorry.

Get yourself to people who LOVE you. Reach out.

Don't seek comfort from someone who is behaving so heartlessly towards you. That way lies drama and much madness you can easily avoid.

*HUGS*

Get yourself into the warm embrace of people who care for you asap.


Care for yourself right now.

Care for yourself right now.

Care for yourself by seeking out your loved ones.

Care for yourself, not this guy. He's adding pain on top of pain.

Care for yourself.

*more hugs*
posted by jbenben at 12:08 AM on November 2, 2012 [32 favorites]


How on Earth do you think you've lost his trust? What have you done to break his trust?

You didn't lie to him. You didn't mislead him. You didn't in any way avoid problems.

A lot of people feel like this at the start of a breakup. Give it some time. No one here is going to tell you to get back with a guy who is super angry about a pregnancy then super distant and cold over a miscarriage. That's fucking disgusting behavior.

I know you can't internalize that right now because our brains are stupid, but hopefully you will someday.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 12:08 AM on November 2, 2012 [33 favorites]


When a man tells you who he is, believe him. (paraphrasing Maya Angelou).

It takes two deciding to have unprotected sex to make a baby. There is no single party to blame if both consented to the sex. When you got pregnant, you and he had very different reactions. He dealt with the conflict by pushing you away. There are many possible resolutions for an unexpected pregnancy that respectfully accommodate the needs of both partners. Not all paths end in being together forever, but a mutually loving resolution can be found.

Instead he cut you off. You miscarried and hoped things would go back to the way they were (and some loving care through the miscarraige would have helped too). But he'd already closed the book on your involvement so far that he couldn't even behave as a friend to you. Frankly you should also walk away because despite whatever attractive qualities he possesses, he's betrayed your trust in him as a best friend and lover.

I wish you emotional healing with good friends, and time and perspective which will cement what you need from future partners during inevitable times of crisis.
posted by SakuraK at 12:16 AM on November 2, 2012 [11 favorites]


Here is my take, in a bit of a roundabout way.

For the past year I have been dating the most wonderful guy, long distance.

we used to speak several times a day, and his absence is keenly felt ... Even if he only has friendship to offer, the hole left by him in my life is immense.

He was the only man i've ever felt like I could be with forever. He is the best most amazing person I have ever known


Did you meet online, or has most of your relationship been conducted online so far? I think people often get into those relationships to avoid something in their lives (problems, boredom, loneliness) or to fill something in their lives that's not there. It sounds like maybe you were really, really lonely before you met him, and maybe you weren't meeting a ton of men in your area who you would be interested in. That is just my speculation, I can't/wouldn't presume to tell you that was going on with you. It's just what it sounds like to me.

One of the other reasons that those kinds of relationships are so appealing/addictive is that they make it so so easy to idealize the other person, make it seem like this person is so perfect for you in a way that nobody else is. But the reason this person seems so perfect is that they're not living in the real world with you like everyone else is. It is so so easy to be charming, loving, and wonderful over the phone or internet for a few hours a day. It is way, way different to spend day to day life with someone in person. To rely on each other for real, tangible, mundane things. To have to get mundane things done together. To come to joint decisions about things that will truly affect your real lives. You do not know people at all until you have been around them in person a long time.

In your case, you didn't even need to move to his province and live there a long time to start seeing where the Fantasy Perfect Guy did not match up to the real guy, as he actually is in reality and real life. Fantasy Perfect Guy loves you forever into eternity, sees you as The One like no other could be, and would never abandon you. But the real version of this man, as he is in reality, DID stop loving you as a result of this, DOESN'T want to be with you any more.

Think of it in the other direction too, because it's true that way as well. He had this idea of a Fantasy Girl which is *necessarily* different from you ask you really are. We have no idea what that was in his head, but it seems like this episode made him realize that things that would never happen in his image of life with Fantasy Girl, could/would happen with you.

I don't think this is about "trust" per se, I think this is just what happens when you start really getting to know someone who has existed mainly at a distance, until then.

I know that you have invested a year into this, and I think if there WAS something you felt was missing before, that he filled, it will be wrenchingly painful to do without until you find a way to fill it again. But I think this guy is really not who you thought he was (not saying that is for better or for worse, I'm just saying I think you know only a fraction of who he is as a person at this point), and I think you dodged a bullet. I'm not saying it will be easy to move on or won't hurt, but I think it would be the best idea, to move on to someone local who you can really get to know well before you get this invested.
posted by cairdeas at 12:19 AM on November 2, 2012 [33 favorites]


In case you don't have any good girlfriends around right now, allow me to do the honors:

That jerk!!

Seriously, WTF?!

You deserve better.

*Hug.*
posted by lalala1234 at 12:26 AM on November 2, 2012 [20 favorites]


You've trimmed the story down pretty heavily. I'm assuming we've got a good sense of your filter and where things are and how things that were expressed to you made you feel. I may be mistaken.

For starters, before I met my wife, she was in love with a guy that lived close. From her description of him he sounds like he was a neat guy in the 'stuff he did' sort of way. And I try to view people first through the 'who are they filter' and then through your personal lens. Anyway, she got pregnant. She told him, he told her she had to get an abortion, that it was going to ruin his life, his chance at a band, and any number of things. Well, Long story short, they'd been through a lot, she acquiesced. But, in retrospective, she became aware that he didn't mention anything about their life, that his part in their relationship was slightly standoffish. But, it didn't sink in. So fast-forward a few months, he gets an opportunity to move 3/4 away across the country for a Job, and he - for whatever reason - asked her if she wanted to go. So at this point, she's aborted a child, put more into the relationship than he has, and he's dangled the carrot of moving in together over halfway across the country. She does it. She gets out there about two weeks after he has moved out there, hangs around for a month and a half, realizes that she's his personal lackey - that he doesn't seem that concerned about her, and that holy shit - the guy's an ass - really just thinking out for himself. Her out there was just a convenience. For Christ's sake - he couldn't even say he loved her.

So she realizes if she stays, that this is it - this is as good as it gets with him. So she leaves and heads home. Which I would add, was good for me. Because I met her three months later and yeah - I was smart enough to realize that she's a pretty awesome person, that she's someone worth believing in and loving, that I would trust her with my end of life decisions, and that she was great 'mom' material and that the two of us would make pretty decent parents. We've been married for five years now and have two kids.

All I'm saying is this... the guy you describe is an ass. He may have some super cool stuff that originally attracted you, but he's not mature enough to invest any further in. The good news is this - there is someone out there that will see you for the special someone you are. Maybe - and I mean maybe this guy will come around to being that guy - but he isn't today and he shows no evidence that he ever will be that guy. (Signs that he matures enough to be that guy: he apologizes for telling you that a kid was bad for him and that you were at fault, also that you were at fault for a miscarriage - and that he means it).

I'd go on a rant here about 'if you're mature enough to put your privates next to someone else's privates then you are mature enough to man up and take responsibility for the baby that's part of your genetic material'... oh wait, I went there... anyway - You were mature enough to handle that part, but he wasn't... because he was a selfish prick - sorry, there's no way I can mince words on that one, the guy that you still have feelings for, that doesn't understand what a relationship is and what it means to man up and be a partner (and probably how to love someone else besides himself) is a prick. The good news is, in time you'll get over him and you'll find someone that isn't one.

Anyway, when you find the right guy: the right guy wants to hold your hand in the delivery room, he'll also hold your leg if the doctor says to, he'll let you squeeze the snot out of his hand until a finger is broken during some contractions, he'll panic at least three times in the delivery room but won't let you know, and ultimately he'll approach any new challenges in your relationship as a way to grow the relationship not as an event that happened with his roommate...
posted by Nanukthedog at 12:29 AM on November 2, 2012 [50 favorites]


There are guys who are passionate love affair material and there are guys who are husband and father material. This guy has very clearly demonstrated that he is not the latter. It sounds like you want want the latter--- you don't want this guy. Let him go. It'll hurt but then you can look at new guys in a different light, knowing what you want much more clearly now.
posted by fshgrl at 12:34 AM on November 2, 2012 [9 favorites]


Oh wow. I'm really sorry this massive dick ever entered your life. It made me angry just to read your question - how dare he treat you like this? And I don't even know you.

Who's local that you can talk to? Friends, family? Can anyone come sit with you and make you a cup of tea and hold you? Because you need that, and you deserve that, and your asshole exboyfriend is very clearly not interested in providing that comfort.

Question: how long since you miscarried? I ask because from what I know, it's possible that pregnancy hormones are still affecting you. Not to mention the trauma of losing a pregnancy that you wanted. Other folks might be able to speak to what you should be thinking of, medically, to make sure you're okay.

The thing is - I feel 100% certain he would love me if he could see me.. i'm still thinking about moving to his province, and trying to win him back eventually.. I see that I made many mistakes, but, had I not gotten pregnant, we would be together right now.

If your sister or your cousin or your best friend told you what you've told us, what would you advise her to do? Would you agree that this was all her fault and she should grovel for his forgiveness? Would you advise her to move cities to be near a guy who had treated her this poorly? I don't think you would. You seem like a wise and loving person. Try and treat yourself with that same love and kindness.

And just to say it again, because it really needs saying: your ex is a selfish, immature asshole. You didn't deserve his cruelty, and you're better off without him.
posted by Angharad at 12:49 AM on November 2, 2012 [16 favorites]


He has treated you with extraordinary cruelty -- and he has compounded that cruelty by making you believe that how he treated you is somehow your fault. This is pathological and abusive, and no amount of charm and romance he may have demonstrated in the past can erase this.

The real measure of a human being is not how they treat you when the going's good; it's how they treat you when things are bad that matters. You have seen the ugly truth about who he is, and evidently he is a fundamentally cold, unkind man who will blame you when things happen that he doesn't like, and who will not comfort you when you are in pain. This is not because you are not worthy of kindness and comfort and loyalty and love (though that's the message he's attempted to send you), but because he is incapable of feeling and sharing these things. The failure is entirely his, not yours.

I know this feels unbearable right now. But the fear of this being unbearable doesn't actually mean you can't bear this. You can bear it, and you are better off without him -- as tough as that may be to believe right now. How he treated you is a reflection of him, not you. Now you have the chance to treat yourself with tenderness, compassion, and love -- and to get that much closer to finding someone else who will treat you in exactly the same way.
posted by scody at 12:55 AM on November 2, 2012 [68 favorites]


He said he cared for me as a friend, but that his feelings towards me were changed due to the miscarriage. I sort of lost my cool, begged him to reconsider, not leave me when I needed him most (miscarriage is awful, expected child or not). But he felt honesty would serve him best and he wanted OUT.

Anyone worth knowing would not even treat a friend that way. He doesn't care for you or about you enough to overcome his natural selfishness. Don't chase him! In the worst possible outcome, you could actually get him back and then you'd be stuck with a selfish immature asshole.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through, and I hope you have friends nearby who will help look after you better than the dropkick guy you just escaped from ever could have.
posted by jacalata at 1:41 AM on November 2, 2012 [2 favorites]


So this guy has: Yelled at you for getting pregnant, when he is a grown man who presumably has access to condoms. Kicked you when you were down by breaking your heart when you miscarried. Abandoned you to your grief instead of coming to support you after your miscarriage.

If the only way to make "best most amazing person who loved me" consistent with his behavior is to blame yourself, I'd say that you're grasping at straws to hang on to your perception of who he is. There is no way this is your fault. Because you love him, you're avoiding the simple truth that he is a weak man who cannot be there for you when the going gets rough. Please don't believe that you can fix the relationship by taking the burden of his failure onto yourself. If you have the strength to, stop talking to him. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. You deserve better, from yourself and from him.
posted by rhythm and booze at 1:52 AM on November 2, 2012 [5 favorites]


Ah, I forgot to answer your question.

How can I win his heart back?

You can't. You won't. You never had it to begin with. He's been in a relationship with two feet out the door this entire time. Yes, it has felt like more to you, and maybe there were parts that were awesome, but in the parts where stuff is less than wonderful, he just cuts you loose and lets you fend for yourself.

Your time with him wasn't wasted, spend some time going over some of his cues and responses to actual hard stuff. In the future, when you meet people, make sure they respond to situations in a manner that makes you feel better and supported instead of how he did. If it feels like how he has treated you, cut that one loose too.

And, at the moment that you think you are too weak to not be able to do this without him, recognize this: you've already done so much without him already. Him leaving and not showing any signs of compassion and commitment are signs that you have been strong enough to survive through this stuff on your own.

Take some time, and then find someone who actually supports you.
posted by Nanukthedog at 1:54 AM on November 2, 2012 [4 favorites]


Yeah, to reiterate: "How can I win his heart back?"

You can't. His reactions have little to do with you or the situation you presented, and all to do with his own selfishness. It would've happened eventually regardless.

This won't help you right now, but really, just keep rereading it everyday until it does.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 2:16 AM on November 2, 2012 [5 favorites]


I think the better question is: has he earned your trust? He wasn't there when you needed him. In fact, he acted pretty callously towards you, placing blame squarely on your shoulders from a situation you both had a part in. He's proven that when the going gets rough, he's gone.

I'm sorry you're going through this. You need to be around people who have your back and who care and love you. He is not that guy. Were there other indications of his selfish side that you ignored or brushed aside because you wanted it to work?

I felt very protective towards this little unborn unplanned child, and in my heart chose the child over him. In my defense, I think this is natural behavior for a mother.

This is instinct and spicy sense. Never, ever ignore that.

Even if he only has friendship to offer, the hole left by him in my life is immense. Two months ago he told me I was the best thing in his life, and today I am forgotten???

Tell me this: if a platonic friend acted this way in response to your situation, would you have felt this way, or would you have told the friend to go take a flying leap?

This guy doesn't even have friendship to offer. Romantic relationships should at least have the foundation of a good friendship, and he can't even give you that.

You can't win the heart of a guy who has none to give.

Please take care and surround yourself with people who love and care about you, and who you know have your back.
posted by SillyShepherd at 2:26 AM on November 2, 2012 [4 favorites]


What a JERK!!! Oh my goodness. Jerk, jerk, jerk.

Any other guy has to be better than this. Having no guy at all is better than this. You might not see it now, but believe everyone who is saying you are so much better off without him.

What a jerk!!!!!! Arrrrrrrh.

Many hugs to you. I sincerely hope you come out of this a stronger person with your heart still open. You deserve so much better and I'm sure you will find someone who is what you hoped this deadbeat would be.

xx
posted by inkypinky at 2:32 AM on November 2, 2012 [2 favorites]


I just wanted to repeat this bit from scody's answer, because it's so true:

He has treated you with extraordinary cruelty -- and he has compounded that cruelty by making you believe that how he treated you is somehow your fault. This is pathological and abusive, and no amount of charm and romance he may have demonstrated in the past can erase this.

I'm really sorry you're going through this. I hope you have someone caring you can talk to. This guy is better out of your life.
posted by OmieWise at 3:18 AM on November 2, 2012 [7 favorites]


moving to his province

Oh, please don't do this. Everyone above covered his jerky behavior, so I'd like to look at the same issue from the other side of the coin to help you come to the same conclusion that others propose. If you'd led him to believe that birth control was a non-issue, and now he's found out that it was, he probably feels deceived. The sex part of the relationship is gone, because he'll never trust that again, especially since he so obviously cannot handle it. So again, not worth pursuing if for no other reason than it won't work.

Plus, you now know that he's not good at facing big issues, not swayed by begging, not willing to step up when needed. You know, not truly a great catch for the long term.

Additionally, please consider that the pregnancy-related hormones are still active in your body, and maybe are affecting your reactions. Give yourself time, be good to yourself, and stop begging him. He's not worth it.

(I kinda think that if you went silent, he'd come back eventually just to find out what happened to all that good-feeling begging-for-him-back. Please don't fall for that -- he's already shown you significant character flaws which will crop up again and again in a long-term relationship.)
posted by Houstonian at 3:42 AM on November 2, 2012 [10 favorites]


Don't beat yourself up about this. It is true, as almost everyone has said, that this fellow is a jerk, and you're better off without him.

But ... please know that it's not your fault that he's a jerk. You're not foolish for having fallen for him, or for caring deeply about him even now that his inner jerk has been revealed. You're human, and you're allowed to be wrong sometimes. Even in love. Especially in love. Almost all of us have been wrong about love many, many more times than we've been right.

I hope that some of what has been said here will help you understand what this man has done to you, and offered you some solid ground to stand on and really see what happened. Someone in this relationship did something wrong that caused it to end. The idea that you need to do something to "win his heart back" seems to indicate that you're convinced that someone was you.

I promise it was not you. It's absolutely okay for you to feel the way you do right now, for you to miss him and even for you to still want to be with him. But it's not okay, not healthy for you to believe you did something wrong, and you just need to fix something about yourself to make it work again. It won't work. It can't, because there is something wrong with him.

So, please don't let your sadness and feelings of loss convince you that you need to fix yourself. You're going to be fine just the way you are, and once you accept that, I think you'll find the desire to get this man back will begin to fade. So will the sadness and sense of loss, with time.
posted by ronofthedead at 3:50 AM on November 2, 2012 [11 favorites]


This man has been very cruel to you. Right now I wouldn't be surprised if you believe his spin on it, that you "did something wrong" that led to his cutting you loose (because you believed he was a good man and are in shock, it's only natural) but in time you will see as clearly as we do that this is him being a jerk and you have no reason to feel embarrassed or ashamed. Time and absolutely not contacting him will get you to that point.

Do not move to be closer to him. Do not subject yourself to further contact. You are SO worthy of someone better than this, and time will make that extremely clear to you I think. Take care of yourself first right now.
posted by houndsoflove at 3:53 AM on November 2, 2012 [1 favorite]


Yes, yes, prioritize your dignity right now. You don't need to beg for anything, especially not love.
posted by amodelcitizen at 4:02 AM on November 2, 2012 [4 favorites]


So this pregnancy, it resulted from an underestimation of your fertility right? He was informed of the line of reasoning by which your fertility was estimated right? So how exactly is your shared decision to have unprotected sex somehow exclusively your fault? And this doesn't even begin to get into the questions of who the fuck would behave that way to a pregnant woman they claim to love.
posted by Blasdelb at 4:17 AM on November 2, 2012 [7 favorites]


This guy is a real piece of shit.

It's not "your fault" - he made a decision to have sex with a woman without a condom on. People can and have gotten pregnant on birth control and his dumb ass clearly hasn't gotten a vasectomy and anyway pregnancy, all jokes aside, is not an STD - did you guys get tested together? Probably not.

The only thing he cared about was himself, despite not being the one that got pregnant or had a miscarriage, and in fact afterwards he used the miscarriage as an excuse to hurt you.

I know everyone else is already saying this, but in these circumstances consensus can sometimes help convince people so I'm saying it too: he is a rotten bag of b-holes and you're well rid of him.

I've got $50 that says he'll contact you in a couple weeks, all sweetness and fake apologies (he still won't take any responsibility for the actions he chose to take). You can tell him to jump off a bridge or you can ignore him, but please don't be tempted to go back to him.

In the future, please do use protection. Sexually transmitted diseases exist.

p.s.: did your ex blame you for the lack of pregnancy? Did you guys ever see doctors? Men can be infertile for a variety of reasons. It seems like maybe the men in your life like to blame you for stuff? If so, try to find better ones.
posted by kavasa at 4:32 AM on November 2, 2012 [8 favorites]


let me add one perspective to this. The way men who behave like this were raised, women must do everything to make their lives comfortable. At the slightest hint that is not going to be the case they will look, firstly to blame the woman in the equation and secondly to exit the relationship.

I have no dount there were some men reading this and thinking a few uncharitable thoughts, it is automatic, it's hard-wired because men have been enculturated to certain beliefs about women that are hard to overcome in practice.

all of the hormones and the grief are raging within you right now. You are in no position to enegage with him in a way that will not portray you as feeding into this man's narrative of women as clingy, dependant, desperate to "get them", "trap them" etc., etc., because they have been formed in a culture that convinces them that they are the BOMB.

He has behaved exactly how he would behave for the rest of your relationship, putting you down, disrespecting you, probably "blaming" you for getting pregnant. Do you want to try to get that back. Is that what you were raised to expect from a partner? Is that how you saw other relationships around you modeled as you were growing up? We're the women happy? or did they just hide their unhappiness.

it is a dramatic end (and believe me this is the end, even if it limps along for a few more months while he agrees to "forgive" you for making his life a little less comfortable)

He is not worthy. Please value yourself more.
posted by Wilder at 4:42 AM on November 2, 2012 [9 favorites]


he felt it was my fault (which, I accept, I felt terrible, it was my fault).
told him, no matter what, I would never hold him responsible.


It's not up to you to hold the other party responsible for a pregnancy. If he had unprotected sex with you, he is responsible. The guy is a jerk but your plaintive, placating response to his jerkiness is troubling.

I sort of lost my cool, begged him to reconsider, not leave me when I needed him most
I've pitifully been begging him for friendship.
I'm embarrassing myself with my need for him.


You can feel the need, there's nothing wrong with feeling aching, physical, desperate need. It's natural, especially after what you've been through. But you know that acting on that need isn't productive. It isn't resulting in getting what you want, it's resulting in the opposite. Again, the guy is a jerk, but you need to have more self-respect, practice more self-discipline.

i'm still thinking about moving to his province, and trying to win him back eventually..

DO NOT DO THIS.

I see that I made many mistakes, but, had I not gotten pregnant, we would be together right now.

You don't know that. Pregnancy is unique, of course, but a crisis is a crisis, and this guy showed you who he is at the first sign of trouble. Had you not gotten pregnant, you would have invested money in relocating, invested time, quit your job to move, etc. and before long something would have happened to have this guy show you his true colors. And then you'd really be alone. You have dodged a bullet here, and you need to not blame yourself.

He knows I was planning on moving there before I met him.. So it's not like I would simply be showing up out of the blue to follow him around.

DO NOT DO THIS.

He was the only man i've ever felt like I could be with forever. He is the best most amazing person I have ever known, and I've lost him.

There is nothing amazing about a guy who bails at the first sign of trouble. You had a LDR that didn't work out. The thing to do here is not to cling to the potential it had at one time, but to learn from it and move on. So learn not to take responsibility for what other adults do and say, learn not to beg (ever) for someone's scraps, learn to boost your standards for yourself.
posted by headnsouth at 4:55 AM on November 2, 2012 [12 favorites]


"We didn't use protection" pretty well says it all: YOU didn't 'mess up', because pregnancy takes TWO people, NEITHER of whom is using protection. Unless you physically tied him down to prevent him from putting on a condom, he has exactly as much responsibility for your pregnancy as you do. Blaming you for getting pregnant, that it's entirely "your fault" (all by yourself! it's a miracle!), is an old-fashioned, sexist and disrespectful move --- yeah, he's a dick.

I'm so sorry for your miscarriage; that's such a heartbreaking thing to go through. It's even harder in this case, because you've also, suddenly, found out your long-distance partner doesn't care for you nearly as much as you care for him. Please do NOT move near him; you're not going to win him back, nor is he worth it --- he's shown you his true colors, what he really feels about you, and it's not much. Please cut off all contact with him immediately: no phone calls, no emails, no texts, nothing. Stay where you are and let him go, just as he has already let you go. Don't try to 'be friends' with him, that'll only prevent you from healing.

Take care of yourself.
posted by easily confused at 4:57 AM on November 2, 2012 [2 favorites]


I'm sorry that you are going through this...big hug.

Firstly, its not only YOUR fault you got pregnant. It is just as much his fault as it is yours, he should have taken responsibility too...I hate hearing people say that it is the women's fault, it takes two to create a baby so you both decided to be unprotected- so DO NOT blame yourself.

I know it's easier said than done, but you need to move on and find someone who can be supportive of you. you say he is "wonderful", but he doesn't seem so wonderful- he didnt support you and told you that he fell out of love with you. Sometimes we have this image in our heads of what a perfect life would be with a certain person all the while dismissing huge red flags. Do not chase him, begin your own life and try to work on loving just yourself. Maybe he will come back and realize he is the one missing out- maybe he won't, but do not waste your time chasing someone (you deserve better)!!

I am in the process of divorce, been married 1 year, together 6...since day 1 he has doubted us- he dropped the I dont know if I'm in love with you a couple months ago so I finally made a decision to seperate. My point is I had this image in my head of what our life would be if he could just become someone he wasn't- I realized it will never happen, he will never change and nobody will unless they want to. I also learned that I should never chase after someone, I chased him for so long and lost myself on the way. Goodluck, hugs to you.
posted by love2much at 4:57 AM on November 2, 2012 [3 favorites]


Forget the whole "left by him" for a second. Think about the hole left by your unborn baby. Please grieve this loss and find somebody in your life today, right now, to help you grieve. You deserve soup on your doorstep and somebody to do your laundry while you cry, and that was before this asshole up and left you.

Tend to yourself and to the lost life. It took me months to recover emotionally from a miscarriage alone, and I didn't have a misogynist asshole dump me in my hour of need.

You feel bad, but getting him back won't make it better. I am so sorry. Hang in there.
posted by crazycanuck at 4:59 AM on November 2, 2012 [9 favorites]


I think it's been well covered that this man is not a great guy. I think that you're still grieving for your lost baby and for the relationship you THOUGHT you had.

I think that if anyone needed therapy, it's you dear. You have a lot of distorted thinking, about this man, about your relationship, and about your approach to life in general.

You deserve so much better than a guy who would do that to you. We all do. No one deserves that.

Now, regarding dudes you meet on the internet. You can't fall in love with them without going to their area, hanging out in their apartment, meeting their friends and family. The internet is full of creeps who are not who they say they are. My alarm bells went off about this yutz.

Please come back and let us know how you now feel about this guy, please tell us that you know that you're hurting and that you're not thinking clearly. Let us know that you have friends and family who are rushing to your aid to comfort and care for you.

Take excellent care of yourself. You deserve it.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:17 AM on November 2, 2012 [2 favorites]


Be good to yourself first. A miscarriage is an incredibly traumatic event in a woman's life and even well-meaning friends sometime do not understand the grieving process in front of you because they cannot envision the real and strong bond formed the moment you knew about the baby.

Before any decisions on the relationship, allow yourself a mourning period. While my first reaction would be to tell you to dump the ass, I have seen people change for the better. It might be fear of commitment or fear of not being a good father that drives him to this uncaring and selfish behavior.

Give yourself a year before attempting to resurrect the relationship. Be strong, be proud of yourself.
posted by francesca too at 5:26 AM on November 2, 2012 [2 favorites]


You were mistaken about your fertility. These things happen. It was no more your fault than it was his fault. (We can debate over whether either of you were at fault at all, but I'd just call this an honest error on both your parts.) Then you had a miscarriage and he -- what, blames you for it?

I am so sorry for what you have been going through. I don't think you can really win him back, though; I don't think you had him before, and I don't think you can ever trust that he would be there again.
posted by jeather at 5:41 AM on November 2, 2012 [1 favorite]


he felt it was my fault (which, I accept, I felt terrible, it was my fault).

Really? Why was it only your fault and not his? He wasn't there when it happened? That's the only way it could be "your fault".

but also, despite his being in his thirties, he felt a child would 'ruin his life'

Well I guess he shouldn't have had unprotected sex, then, or any sex if the possible outcome would be so devastating for him.

Your pregnancy was not "betrayal" but simple biological cause and effect. Sex can cause pregnancy. Your emotions are understandably clouding your judgement about this, which is exactly what should be expected when you're in such a horrible situation. Anybody in your position would be thinking and feeling the same, but please let me remind you that you didn't get pregnant by yourself and that treating this as something you did to hurt him is completely inexcusable on his part. Do not accept blame for this.

This man is not "amazing". It's inexcusable of him to treat you this way and the last thing you should do is pursue him for anything at all, in fact, you should be blocking him on all possible communication channels. By treating you this way, he is being a bad person. I know you don't want to hear this and every cell in your body is screaming at you to be with him, but he is not going to be a source of comfort for you, he is a source of harm.

Please find a real friend, someone who is really on your side and actually loves you, and spend time with them. You are in crisis and need to be comforted by someone who will not hurt you.
posted by tel3path at 5:48 AM on November 2, 2012 [2 favorites]


By the way, I feel funny about people saying you "dodged a bullet" - if your experience wasn't getting hit by a bullet, I don't know what is. I mean, you're literally dealing with issues of life and death here, and you're understandably devastated.

You did, however, dodge a firing-squad. You can recover from this injury, but if you spend another second with this guy, more injuries are guaranteed to follow. Seriously please don't pursue him, no matter what the temptation.
posted by tel3path at 5:59 AM on November 2, 2012 [17 favorites]


This man is a cad and you are - in the long term - better off without him.
posted by DWRoelands at 6:03 AM on November 2, 2012 [3 favorites]


The hurt you feel and the hole in your heart are real. The idea that getting back together with him would make you feel better, let alone that it's the only thing that would make you feel better, is a trick your mind is playing on you because it's in pain.

Treat the hurt. If you can possibly swing it, seek counseling; you've had a terrible loss and it deserves to be tended to. Lean on friends, lean on family, go to a shelter and snuggle some cats. (I'm totally serious.) You need to feel cared for; you need someone to treat you gently and kindly. This guy is not going to do that. His behavior says so and his actual moving mouth says so. He has already said no. Refusing to hear "no" doesn't make people change it to "yes" in any way that makes anybody happy in the long term, ever. Even if you brought him around -- which I absolutely don't think would happen -- you'd be bringing him around the wrong way, for the wrong reasons, you'd never trust him (with good reason), and you'd wind up repeating this cycle. There's a good ending to this story for you, but it doesn't involve you winding up with this guy.

Treat the hurt. Pay attention to it and nurse it and let yourself feel it. But push back against the part of you that's trying to convince you that the answer is to get him to change his mind. He won't, and it wouldn't matter if he did.
posted by Linda_Holmes at 6:19 AM on November 2, 2012 [6 favorites]


In my worldview, events are not random.

I am so sorry you are going through the pain of all this, but that little one gave you a wonderful gift. The gift of knowing just exactly who this guy really was. Not the good guy you thought.

Somewhere out there is a wonderful man. This guy was not him.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 6:24 AM on November 2, 2012 [7 favorites]


I don't think you lost his trust. You didn't tell him you were on the pill, right? You didn't tell him you knew you were incapable of becoming pregnant? Then the pregnancy was mutually both of your "fault" and you never did anything to lose his "trust."

But, yeah, you seem to have lost his love. Why? Because he saw a future with you, or he saw you tying him down with commitment (at minimum, a kid, even if you two were no longer together), and it terrified him, or he hated it, or something. He doesn't want to be with you, and for sure he doesn't want to be with you in a serious way, and now that he has seen that possibility he is done.

You won't win him back. If you pursue him, you will just cause yourself more heartbreak. Find some friends -- real friends, who are not him -- and eat ice cream, smoke cigarettes, and watch bad movies, or whatever your comfort ritual is.
posted by J. Wilson at 6:30 AM on November 2, 2012 [1 favorite]


He's done with you -- let it be done. There are wonderful men out there who won't think you've ruined their life with their child. Please go heal, be kind to yourself, take it slow & begin again without him.
posted by Devils Rancher at 6:41 AM on November 2, 2012 [2 favorites]


So he felt a child would "ruin his life," but he nevertheless couldn't be bothered to put a condom on his own dick, and he pronounced it your fault when you got pregnant? This guy isn't a real grownup. He's a narcissist and the worst kind of ass.
posted by Sing Or Swim at 6:46 AM on November 2, 2012 [2 favorites]


My gut says that you're so horrified by his response that you're trying to blame yourself for his selfishness.

It has never made sense to me how lovers can be treated disposably, yet some people do. They're not good people. Not everyone is good to everyone. Some people can only be good to some people. Some people can't be good to anyone. Some people are good to everyone. That guy is a member of the former two categories---he doesn't care about you. He's always going to gaslight you into believing it was your fault instead of being a responsible human being.

Your job is to be on your side. He was abusive to you and it makes sense that you are confused by that and trying to make sense of it and even trying to make it right by being the one at fault.

But if your daughter was being treated like that by a lover, what would you say to her?
posted by discopolo at 7:07 AM on November 2, 2012 [10 favorites]


How can I win his heart back?

Tear it from his chest.

Look at this thread. You are describing this guy with unreasonable bias, with the blind eyes of someone who has suffered a terrible trauma. YET everyone here is still pointing out what a waste of skin this motherfucker is. That should tell you something.

You need to take care of you and just you, you've been through something horrible that is absolutely not your fault. You need for him to not be involved at all.
posted by French Fry at 7:13 AM on November 2, 2012 [25 favorites]


I don't think he had a heart in the first place.
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:30 AM on November 2, 2012 [12 favorites]


Let me tell you what happened when my last ex and I had a pregnancy scare.

We too were very close. We also were in love. We also weren't really at the most opportune times in our lives to have a baby.

I didn't have a confirmed pregnancy, but we'd had a condom break, and even though I took Plan B I was a little uneasy. And then I was a week late. So I let him know that there was a chance.

He didn't freak out - in fact, his only reaction was to blink a few times, then hug me and say that he would support whatever I chose to do if it came to that. And THEN he said, "you know the weird thing is, the thought of actually having a baby with you DIDN'T freak me out, it actually made me really happy all of a sudden."

That is the reaction your ex should have had. That is the reaction everyone deserves. You deserve so, so much more than what this guy did. I know that you two loved each other deeply, but what you have discovered is that his love was conditional. You want someone whose love is unconditional.

It hurts and I know, but you are much, much better off without him. I'm just sorry that the way you found that out was so painful.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:32 AM on November 2, 2012 [13 favorites]


You deserve better than this. Yes, you do.

This guy is going to become the one about whom you say, "What the hell was I thinking?" You will be embarrassed that you ever dated him at all.

Seriously, let go of him mentally, so that you're free to meet someone who's worthy of your time.
posted by MexicanYenta at 7:36 AM on November 2, 2012 [2 favorites]


One thing that I do with all my relationships is try to step back occasionally and look at how they treat me through the lens of logic, unfiltered by emotion.

You seem hurt and confused because your ex's behavior doesn't make sense. How can somebody say that they're in love with somebody else and then just "fall out of love with them" two weeks later? And you're right - if you take his statements at face value, they don't make sense.

However, if you don't take his statements at face value - if you start to consider the possibility that he's a douchebag who's been lying and using you for sex, but had no intention of ever going long-term with you - suddenly his actions make perfect sense. I'm with everybody else - you seriously dodged a bullet. I know it doesn't feel that way now, but you'll realize in time what a terrible person this guy was. Please don't go back to him.
posted by wolfdreams01 at 8:10 AM on November 2, 2012 [5 favorites]


I don't want to tell you what to do with your life, nor would I think I'd listen much if I were in your shoes. If I was dead set on winning someone back (been there, done that) then I'm going to try, come hell or high water. I do wish you the best, and I hope peace and love are your destinations. My personal experience has painfully shown me that these types of plans to elicit love and affection from someone who has forcefully decried "NO MORE" don't work out for the best, usually because I won't get them back, but on occasion because I do get them back. If I win them back, it's out of a sense of guilt or convenience from them, and neither is a good foundation for a successful relationship.

I have been hurt too. Deeply. By someone I felt true love for, who at one time had truly loved me back. Over time, through petty arguments, complacency, singular shocking events, something changed. And I was devastated. I wanted so badly to get back to that good place, that warm hearth of mutual love, and I honestly thought that if I just said the right thing, dressed the right way, bought the right gift, demonstrated my perfect love, that I could find my way back to her.

The thing is, my experience with that relationship that it was like glass. It appeared thick and strong, but by storm, neglect, and abuse, it shattered. Once that happened, I was in shock, devastated, unable to notice or care whether the sun was shining or not. I dedicated what little spirit I had left towards putting it back together. I failed, but even if I was able, it would have been permanently and irrevocably flawed. I pined for about a year, listened to the friendly advice of "If it's meant to be it will be," "There's other fish in the sea," "Time heals all wounds," etc. until I thought I would go numb from the sheer repetition. Strangely, she would still occasionally contact me to check on me, or I would contact her in moments of weakness under the guise of friendship, looking for some sign of reciprocation. My heart would leap at the various "I miss yous" or the shared remembrances of good times. Yet each call would end with no real progress back to that good place I wanted to be, and would leave me broken and drained, yearning for her even more. This was made worse by knowing she had found someone else. Finally, I had enough. I could not bear the repeated opening of old wounds any more. I did things I didn't want to with people I didn't want to, like watching TV, going out to dinner, hanging out. I ever so slowly began walking away. Always glancing back, but walking away. Over time, as that relationship dwindled into the horizon, I gained something pure. Perspective. I saw our incompatibility. I saw my part in the things I had done. I saw and forgave her for her part in the things she had done. I moved on. I met someone else, someone who I love. Coincidentally, someone who became unexpectedly pregnant, and my reaction was of shock, then happiness. We made plans to be married before she was too far along, but then she lost the baby. My instant knee-jerk (emphasis on jerk) internal reaction was to call off the wedding and wait longer... but I loved her, and put aside my own selfish fears about being "hitched" out of that love. And it was the best thing I ever did.

Post Script: The "other girl" called my friend the other night, crying that I no longer speak to her, and that I have refused her calls since my marriage. The best thing about my own journey in rekindling lost love is that I no longer try. If I am capable of bringing joy, happiness, and love into someone's life, I will find that love, it just may not be with whom I think it should be.
posted by Debaser626 at 8:23 AM on November 2, 2012 [7 favorites]


One more thing -- a wonderful thing.

Everyone has pointed out the (ugly) truth of the matter here - that this man did not love you, and that you're much better off without him, that he is a cold, cruel, and a fundamentally not-decent human being. This is true and I hope you heed it; but it's not the most important thing. You'll have forgotten all about him in a year's time.

The bigger news in this story is - you got pregnant! You didn't think you could, but you did, and when you did you felt protective and loving of your baby. This is wonderful news. This is a gift many people would give everything for.

That pregnancy didn't work out; and as terribly painful as it is, the silver lining is that you avoid being linked forever with the nasty man who you got pregnant with. But now you know it's an option for you; something you may be able to do with the right man when you meet him.

Sending you hugs from across the Internets and wishing you the best.
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:10 AM on November 2, 2012 [13 favorites]


Why would you want him back? If you did get him back you are always going to fear he is going to leave you again out of no where.
It takes two to make a baby. What an idiot he is. If he ever contacts you again, ignore him. He isn't worth your time, girl.
posted by Autumn89 at 9:14 AM on November 2, 2012 [1 favorite]


Oh my God. Please believe everyone in this thread, including me, who is telling you this guy is an enormously selfish, immature jerk. I feel pretty confident in saying any of us would have given you more sympathy and support than he did on learning of your miscarriage--and we're a bunch of strangers on the internet, for heaven's sake!

I am very sorry this has all happened to you, but now that this man has shown you his true colours, please do not move to be with him! Focus on yourself and get some support from family, friends, a counsellor--anyone who will help you stay strong in staying away from him and taking care of yourself!
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 9:49 AM on November 2, 2012 [3 favorites]


I really do appreciate all the comments/advice, and I hope it's not greedy of me to to ask for more.

Part of me at times is convinced he really is a terrible person, who used me badly and took off at the first sign of trouble.
I'm trying to assimilate this with what I know of him, with his recent actions, and I'm very confused. I agree with everyone here, he did act like a selfish jerk, but I still think that he is not a bad person, rather his reaction has been bad.

I understand he is not coming back, but I am reeling from lack of closure. I should be mourning the baby, but all i can think about is him, and why hasn't he contacted me to see how I am doing, or to ask how his child passed.

My friends hate him. But, I can't condone this. There are two side to every story, I just wish I knew his side. We were in a LDR but we originally met in person, and spent at least a week out of very month together. Otherwise, we talked every day, via text, email and skype. I felt I knew him as a best friend and partner, not an online fantasy.

How do I carry on without closure? I obviously can't ask him to explain to me what happened because he is unwilling or unable to provide a reason. Well, he did say his 'mind moved in other directions' once he found I was going to miscarry.. Is it possible/probable that he met someone else, and needs to close himself off to me to focus on his new future? Why else would he ignore me, when I let him know I need his support and friendship? Is it possible that I disgust him as a human being, and he can't bring himself to speak to me? Ahhhh. :( He didn't give any hints of this disgust in the months leading up to the pregnancy.

If he really was a bad person, I could accept everything and move on, but I know he is actually a really good person who is acting extremely out of character, and my trouble is understanding why.

Is it possible to move forward in life, when there is an empty, confused hole where you heart used to beat?
posted by canadiantuxedo at 7:40 AM on November 5, 2012


Is it possible to move forward in life, when there is an empty, confused hole where you heart used to beat?

Oh my goodness. You have been through a lot and you have a lot yet to go through, but this kind of hyperbole really isn't helping you. Your heart is still intact. Everybody gets hurt and everybody either curls up into a ball or dusts themselves off and moves on. Which do you want for yourself?

I agree with everyone here, he did act like a selfish jerk, but I still think that he is not a bad person, rather his reaction has been bad.

Irrelevant. You don't have to judge him as a person to know he's not a person who is there for you. Period.

My friends hate him. But, I can't condone this. There are two side to every story, I just wish I knew his side.

You do know his side. He freaked out when you got pregnant, then dropped the ball again when you miscarried. He isn't prepared for a grownup relationship and all that entails. That's that. You'd still like more interest from him, more emotional support, and that's understandable. But you know his side.

Why else would he ignore me, when I let him know I need his support and friendship? Is it possible that I disgust him as a human being, and he can't bring himself to speak to me?

Holy moly. You need to stop giving this guy so much power. That you could even imagine the possibility of your very person "disgust[ing] him as a human being" means you are way too reliant on other people for your sense of self-worth. This is a guy who turned his back on his pregnant girlfriend. He ended things in the middle of a miscarriage. If anyone should be disgusted it's you, because of his actions!

If he really was a bad person, I could accept everything and move on, but I know he is actually a really good person who is acting extremely out of character, and my trouble is understanding why.

He has shown you his character. He bailed at the first sign of trouble. That's it. Whether he is a good person or not is irrelevant. His actions have shown you his character.
posted by headnsouth at 7:58 AM on November 5, 2012 [2 favorites]


You are grossly misinterpreting reality. You are making all his excuses for him, something HE didn't even feel the need to do.

You may need to talk to a neutral 3rd party (therapist/priest/hotline) so that you can hear yourself saying these things out loud.

There are not two sides to every story.
posted by French Fry at 8:09 AM on November 5, 2012 [2 favorites]


Part of me at times is convinced he really is a terrible person, who used me badly and took off at the first sign of trouble. I'm trying to assimilate this with what I know of him, with his recent actions, and I'm very confused. I agree with everyone here, he did act like a selfish jerk, but I still think that he is not a bad person, rather his reaction has been bad.

And you are exactly correct. No person is 100% through-and-through bad. But plenty of people will do bad things. And when someone you've trusted so much, and someone who's been so WORTHY of trust, then suddenly turns around and betrays you, it is an enormous shock to the system.

Is it possible to move forward in life, when there is an empty, confused hole where you heart used to beat?

Yes. It will take time, it always takes time, and you will find your way to your own closure - you won't get it from him (at least, you shouldn't expect to get it from him), but in time you will find your own answer for why he did what he did.

Good luck.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:10 AM on November 5, 2012


"Part of me at times is convinced he really is a terrible person, who used me badly and took off at the first sign of trouble.
I'm trying to assimilate this with what I know of him, with his recent actions, and I'm very confused. I agree with everyone here, he did act like a selfish jerk, but I still think that he is not a bad person, rather his reaction has been bad.
"
Whether or not he is a terrible person on the inside deep down in his heart is both totally unknowable and totally irrelevant to whether a relationship with him is a good idea or not, thats between him and his God if he has one. Being a 'nice guy', which is pretty damn debatable anyhow, would not entitle him to have you captive. Even if a relationship with him were available, and it doesn't sound like thats happening anyway, he would not be. You can't have a person, you can only have a relationship with one, and it sounds like thus far the relationship you had was a lot of work for something that was shitty for him and REALLY PROFOUNDLY shitty for you. You deserve someone who actually gives a damn about you. There is something scody, who has excellent advice upthread, wrote once that has stuck with me,

"It did require some recalibration on my part regarding what's truly important to have in common -- namely, that qualities (kindness, loyalty, honesty, etc.) matter more than things and preferences (education, books, music, vacations involving museums vs. cabins in the woods, etc.). Or, as my brother-in-law put it: "having things in common is overrated. Having each other in common is what's rare.""

From what you've written here, you clearly have nothing of importance in common with this man.
"Is it possible to move forward in life, when there is an empty, confused hole where you heart used to beat?"
Yup, I'd wager that just about everyone in this thread has managed it before. My advice? Clean you bathroom, do all of your laundery, organize your whatever collection, spend lots of time making yourself disgustingly healthy food, get that dental work you've been putting off done, and put extra effort into your job. It won't make you feel any better, but it won't make you feel any worse, and your bathroom and clothes will be clean, your whatevers will be organized and ready, you'll be healthier, your teeth will be better cared for and you might end up in a better position at work. Also, ice cream and hobbies.
posted by Blasdelb at 8:44 AM on November 5, 2012 [1 favorite]


I understand he is not coming back, but I am reeling from lack of closure

We're definitely cut from the same cloth.

The funny, sad, thing about life is that it does not adhere to a story arc. Sometimes there is "closure," whatever that means for each individual. However, as much as it breaks my heart, sometimes there is absolutely no closure provided to me other than the knowledge that it's over. This holds true for relationships, jobs, possessions, family, friends, and on and on. Sometimes, I have to be OK with a Sopranos-style ending. Anything else is nothing more than a contrived attempt to sate my own desire to be sad, or to drag out to the bitter end something that is already over and done.

I suffer from this, as well as many other people I know. The need to have things that leave my life, depart in a way which I will be comfortable picking them up like a memory box in an attic--a melancholy sweet package, nicely wrapped with a bow made from "days gone past."

The harsh reality for me is that things end. Sometimes with no explanation that will ever make sense to me. It just is, and in these circumstances, acceptance is the key. Accepting that it's over, I'm not happy, and that it's going to hurt for a bit. And also accepting that I am a human being, and as such, quite fickle, and it won't hurt forever.

Remember:
"There is no pain so intense, nor love so great, that will not fade against the grindstone of time."
posted by Debaser626 at 9:52 AM on November 5, 2012


You know, I'm not sure your ex-boyfriend is a terrible person, either. What I do know is that he doesn't want children, and your relationship with him is over.

- He will not contact you, because it's over.
- He will not ask about how his child passed, because you have already told him there was a miscarriage so he already knows.
- He will not tell you any more details about why it's over. He's explained as much as he can or will.

None of this is "your trouble." None of this means he has been digusted with you as a human being (really you think this is possible?). None of this means necessarily that he found someone else.

I am urging you to go see your doctor. Maybe it's hormonal, but I don't think you're seeing things very clearly. How can you go on without him? I think a quick check with the doctor is the first step. Go to the same one that oversaw your pregnancy, and tell him you find yourself disproportionately sad and inappropriately sad at the wrong thing (not the pregancy ending, but the relationship ending). I think he'll have good ideas about how to fix this for you.
posted by Houstonian at 9:52 AM on November 5, 2012 [1 favorite]


I think it might help you to realize that carrying on is closure. You will never get a full explanation for what happened, and your understanding of what happened will shift as you adjust to the changes in your life. Don't get too stuck on trying to figure someone else out. It won't help you.

When someone I dated broke my heart and did some inexplicably shitty things, I spent lots of time trying to understand why and how. Because I wanted him back, I lacked the perspective to understand what happened. I didn't understand until I got over him. Closure is the result of moving on, not the cause.

Also, you are not disgusting. You are lovable and did not do anything to push him away. He chose to walk away for reasons that had very little to do with who you are and what you did.
posted by rhythm and booze at 10:57 AM on November 5, 2012 [2 favorites]


Closure is very rarely -- if ever -- something that comes from someone else. Closure is something that only comes to you from yourself, sometimes after only a long time, and sometimes only when you least expect it.

Paradoxically, keeping the lines of communication open with someone so that you can stay on an external quest for closure (i.e., to get the final answers to all your questions) only pushes closure further away. I know this sounds like some weird Zen koan, but in my own experiences of having a broken heart, it really is how the process transpires.
posted by scody at 11:37 AM on November 5, 2012


i am someone who likes a rational explanation for everything but when it comes to relationships and emotions, there rarely is one. it took me a LONG time to get to the point where i am now which is: it is irrelevant what the reason is that someone has for leaving you—the only thing you need to know is that that person does not want to be with you. trying to get that person back, trying to parse out what the reasons are for them leaving, either on your own or demanding it from them, will only make you crazy and insecure.

i also advocate some counseling to help you sort through what you've been through. and please, please stop making excuses for him. there are no excuses for his behavior. and again, none of them are relevant.
posted by violetk at 2:10 PM on November 5, 2012 [2 favorites]


It suddenly occurred to me that one of my absolute favorite movie quotes would also qualify as a good answer here, so here goes:


"It's a fool that looks for logic in the chambers of the human heart."
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 3:05 PM on November 5, 2012


One of the things that may be aggravating your sense of loss for this man could be postpartum depression. I'm not your doctor, and of course you wouldn't need PPD to feel the way you feel -- all this loss all at once -- but maybe you should see someone who can help you through this with some professional tools. There are medications to help women through PPD, and there is counseling.

I know it feels right now as if the loss of the man is the issue; and of course it is a factor no matter how we slice it. But PPD can make things feel catastrophic when they're... really not. If you have psychiatric care available to you, you should seek it.
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:54 PM on November 5, 2012


canadiantuxedo: "I understand he is not coming back, but I am reeling from lack of closure. I should be mourning the baby, but all i can think about is him, and why hasn't he contacted me to see how I am doing, or to ask how his child passed.
"

Don't tell yourself you should or shouldn't be doing something. In the wake of a breakup, the healthiest thing you can do is let yourself feel whatever it is that you want to feel and, importantly, let it go.

As painful as it is to lose the child, there is a positive in that you now have a great deal more freedom about your future.

I would recommend against getting romantically involved with anyone else anytime soon. I hope you have friends and family that you can turn to for comfort.
posted by Deathalicious at 9:01 PM on November 5, 2012


Part of me at times is convinced he really is a terrible person, who used me badly and took off at the first sign of trouble.
I'm trying to assimilate this with what I know of him, with his recent actions, and I'm very confused. I agree with everyone here, he did act like a selfish jerk, but I still think that he is not a bad person, rather his reaction has been bad.


That's normal when you've faced a betrayal of this magnitude, I think.

You don't have to judge him as a bad person, in fact, we're told not to judge others, because we will never have enough information about the innermost truth of another person's being to judge them as good/bad/terrible people.

However, a working definition is that a good tree produces good fruit and a bad tree produces bad fruit, or no fruit. I only have to glance at your story, and the effect this man's actions have had on you, to know that he meets the working definition - not the ultimate! spiritual! judgement! - of a "bad person", that is, a person who has done you harm and who needs to prove that he regrets it and will strive only to do you good in the future, if he is to be allowed any contact with you at all.

Well, so far this man shows no signs that he intends to prove his good faith, and in fact, he has only proven bad faith, made it clear he meant to act in bad faith, and has done nothing at all to indicate that he will ever change his mind about this.

I understand your curiosity about what specifically triggered him to act like this, but the underlying cause is that he has chosen to act like a bad person. In other words, it's his character, not any given circumstance. I know you must hate to hear "it doesn't matter why, it's 'cos he's a bastard" but it's pretty clear from the outside that that's the answer. Superficially, we might accept his explanation that he didn't want the baby, but even a man who didn't want a baby could have behaved in a million ways that were better than this one. He's chosen to act like a bastard towards you - it wasn't an accident.

Of course you're feeling tortured. I think that's going to go on for a long time, to be honest. A lot of DTMFA! No Contact!!!1!! type answers make it sound like you'll be triumphantly boasting "Boy did I ever dodge a bullet there! Good riddance to bad rubbish! I do hereby rejoice that that bastard is out of my life!" and maybe some people do actually feel that way, but I sure don't. It's horrible to find out that *any* people are bastards, let alone someone you trusted and loved. I mean, yeah, it's good to remove bastards from your life, but it would have been better if he'd been the good man you thought he was. It just feels awful to be treated this way. It hurts. It hurts a lot, for a long time.

I think the pain will gradually wear off but there are things you absolutely must do:
- No contact with him, no email no Facebook no nothing. Send his emails straight to the recycle bin and empty it without looking at it. If the phone rings and it's him, don't take the call. In less urgent cases I might say it was okay to look at anything that's in plain sight for a while, just to satisfy your curiosity, but this is life and death. So, ban him. Think of him as a dangerous criminal on Interpol's Most Wanted list, that the public are warned not to approach if they see him.
- Ask your doctor where you can get therapy for the situation you're in. Print this out and show it to them.
- Keep in contact with your friends. *They* love you.
- Force yourself to maintain healthy habits. If you are supposed to go for a run, but you're crying too much, then go for a run and a cry at the same time. (If this is literally happening and it's too embarrassing, get an exercise DVD and stay in to exercise until the crying wears off.)
- Without imposing too much excitement or activity on yourself, force yourself to do things you like, even if you're not enjoying them. Force yourself to go around your favourite museum. Take pictures. Then, after time passes, you will have good memories and you will also remember that, at the time you took that picture, you were really sad and heartbroken, but you will also think it's great that you had that good experience and took the picture.
posted by tel3path at 8:02 AM on November 6, 2012 [1 favorite]


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