death at work

August 18, 2005 4:07 PM

Death in the workplace.

I just found out that two children of two different coworkers died in a caving accident, the daughter of one employee and the son of another--her only child, I believe.

What can I do for them that will mean something? And how do we go about our work with this horrible tragedy in the background? Both coworkers are really wonderful people. One has sewed clothes for my daughter as a gift. I'm struggling with feeling really helpless right now.

posted by anonymous to human relations (14 comments total)

I would honestly suggest asking the person what you could do for them, if there's anything they need. If you don't feel comfortable doing that, I think cooking someone a meal is always a thoughtful gesture.
posted by odinsdream at 4:20 PM on August 18, 2005

I've had two friends of mine lose their mothers under different circumstances, all far before their time.

For me, I just let them know that my feelings are with them and if they need anything then just ask - understand a lot of people will say the same thing.

The main thing is to just let them know briefly and non-dramatically, and let them talk to you about it if they wish, not the other way around (I'm not suggesting you would, but one friend of mine was frustrated about how people tended to change the way they were because of circumstances).

I personally kept in touch with my friends every 3-4 days with a quick phone call and talked about what was happening out and about in the world (light heartedly). I think this helped as it was a brief distraction.

It also helps to co-ordinate with people that are close with them and talk about it.

I don't know if this is the best advice, but I'm still very close to my two friends and it certainly did no harm.

I wish you all the best with this difficult time - by the sounds of things you've got a heart of gold and because of this you probably don't have a lot to worry about.
posted by rc55 at 4:28 PM on August 18, 2005

The cooking thing is a great idea, and one that could be a good idea for an office to organize. I worked at a school, and when a kid killed himself, the community got together to bring the family dinner every night for a month or so. It's a nice gesture simply because the family will have a lot of trouble doing the small things (like making meals).
posted by ORthey at 4:29 PM on August 18, 2005

I asked a similar question once.
posted by chiababe at 4:44 PM on August 18, 2005

Perhaps I am reading into it, but since you say "I just found out" I want to entertain the possibility that this means you only now got wind of this, some time later - make sure you're sensitive to their desires with regards to talking or not talking about it. Everyone deals with grief in their own way, as well as having different attitudes about how open they are about their lives in the workplace.

So if this is something they seem to be trying to keep to themselves, honor that. If it's an open situation you should feel free to express your condolences. I think if you consider the matter you'll find there's plenty of ways to show your support and empathy for someone without many or any words so you can still be there for them within the constraints they feel comfortable.
posted by phearlez at 5:06 PM on August 18, 2005

phearlez, if this is, as I suspect, the result of an incident in Provo, Utah, then it just happened today.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 5:25 PM on August 18, 2005

I just read about this. I'd just be as honest as possible. Say you don't know what to say, if that's the truth. Ask what they need. In doubt, I think the best thing to do for someone who is grieving is to take care of daily life stuff: cook a lasagna for them to reheat for a meal. Ask if there's anything they'd like you to take care of for them at work.
posted by abbyladybug at 5:43 PM on August 18, 2005

It may be different with different people, but when my friend thanked me for the sympathy card I sent her, she especially thanked for say I was sorry to hear her husband had died. Using the word that actually described what happened and wasn't some euphemism meant a lot to her and recognized what the gravity of what happened.

Also, there will be an outpouring of support in the month or so after this happened, but that long haul afterwards can be even harder as reality sets in. Bringing them a full meal months after the deaths can help. Offering to do a day's worth of yardwork or house cleaning. It can be good to ask what someone might need, but I think a lot of times people don't want to make a suggestion or at that time can't think of ways other people can help them.

If they mention needing to go through belongings of their deceased child's, offering them help could be good. Not with making the decisions necessarily, but helping with moral support and logistics--getting boxes, letting them talk about stuff while they sort, taking stuff for donations, etc. Even if they have family, certain members of the family may not be up to doing things like that and your help could mean alot.

Birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, and the anniversary of their deaths will be harder for the family for the rest of their lives. My understanding is that people start a whole new grieving process about a year after the death. That the first year they are still to a degree in a state of shock, so signs of grief may come out long after you might expect and long after the person has seemed to come to terms.
posted by lobakgo at 6:14 PM on August 18, 2005

Just being there will mean something to them. When my mother died, so many wonderful folks showed up and shared their stories about my mother.

I second the suggestion that you be there for them in a month or so. The initial outpouring of help was nice, but I really appreciated the friends who checked up on my father in the months after my mother's death.
posted by Serena at 7:46 PM on August 18, 2005

What I have heard from friends after death or accidents in the family is that specific offers of help are easier to accept than calling someone up and saying "you know how you said if you could do anything, just ask...?"

If this is from the accident reported earlier today, I would guess the families are going to be overwhelmed with visitors and probably hesitant about going out in public. Tomorrow, I would take them a big care package of the things they're going to need while there's a lot of traffic in and out of their homes: sturdy paper plates and plastic silverware, ziploc bags and gladware, nice paper napkins, plastic cups, toilet paper and tissues, a box of trash bags, packets of kool aid or other drink mixes (instant decaf iced tea with some lemons and sugar might be good) and a big pitcher. It'll all keep if it doesn't get used right away, and spare them from having to worry about so much cleanup duty for a while.

If they have a yard but not a lawn service, you could help arrange for someone to handle that for a while. In the wake of a death, you may have all the friends and community support you could want, but they sure do throw a wrench in getting little things done like mowing the lawn, taking a shower (this was a nightmare just after my grandfather died, as my mom and grandmother were too wiped out at night from playing hostess all day and were having to get up at 6am if they wanted a shower without the doorbell ringing), doing laundry, etc.

In the coming weeks, give them a call when you're going to be running errands. "I'm going to Wal-Mart/Costco/supermarket/the dry cleaner's/etc, what can I pick up/drop off for you?" Later you can ask if they'd like to come along.

If they're inundated with food, you and your coworkers could offer up some of your freezer space. My grandmother's neighbors did that after my grandfather died, as they have a great big refrigerator with an absurdly tiny freezer, and then just dropped by regularly to replenish her stash as she used up what she had on hand.
posted by Lyn Never at 3:10 AM on August 19, 2005

All of these suggestions are great. Most important thing (mentioned here several times already) be honest, don't feel the need to use euphamisms, be there for them.
posted by ColdChef at 4:52 AM on August 19, 2005

One caveat: If you are a hugging type of person, don't assume that they are. When my father died, everyone at work was very kind, but there were a few people who insisted on hugging me, and as the list of people I want to hug me is very short, this did not help. Actually, maybe it did, because it distracted me from the grief by annoying me, but you know what I mean.

One thing that made me feel better was showing pictures of my father to people, so perhaps encouraging them to talk about the children, what they were like, would help.
posted by JanetLand at 5:52 AM on August 19, 2005

I support all the suggestions of "don't ask, just do something useful"..cook, mow the lawn, whatever could take some pressure off them at this time..

And, the most important thing, once the "I have to be polite and nice." feeling fades away (days, weeks?), remain faithful.

I lost a 20 year old son in an accident, those friends that were still stopping by or calling a month later were the faithful ones. Many people were so uncomfortable with what this could mean in their own lives and fear for their own children that they faded away, they couldn't face what I represented.

In other words....Don't be one of those people that cross the street when you see them walking towards you.

Last bit of advice...allow them time to process this... It may take years, and that's OK.... be understanding of that, and of the quirks it might bring (I couldn't attend a college graduation or wedding for many years, these were two things that Sean was never able to do).

Hang in there with them... love them..

My thoughts are with your friends... they face a long and hard road
posted by HuronBob at 6:31 AM on August 19, 2005

All the suggestions above are great.
When my wife died I was a total wreck when I returned to work. I had a coworker who really watched my back, took up the slack for what I couldn't manage, and gently checked in with me to make sure I was taking care of what I could. He was a godsend. I also really appreciated the flexibility the company allowed in the first couple of months - I couldn't sit through a meeting, and I occasionally just had to go home, and they let me do it.
If you're in a position in your workplace to help with anything like that I highly encourage it.
posted by smartyboots at 11:35 AM on August 19, 2005