Stories of dumper regret? Get him back? (Not interested in manipulation)
October 30, 2012 5:45 PM Subscribe
indecisive ex -- how do I handle this and do they ever come back (for the right reasons)?
posted by minerving to human relations (12 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite
My boyfriend broke up with me rather abruptly after a year and a half last weekend. We are both in our 20s, attending a very stressful university and probably both have some issues we need to work out but were otherwise really caring and great together.
At the beginning of the relationship, I think I was extremely scared and reserved. It wasn't the first time I'd felt strong feelings for someone, but it was absolutely the first time I'd felt strong feelings for someone WORTH my feelings. We are both really intelligent, good looking, good-hearted people. This is not meant to sound immodest. I just think we had struggled a lot growing up finding people who fit the bill and for the first time felt challenged by our partner. It was fun. It was great. He fell fast and I was scared. I'm not sure where the intense need to protect my heart came from-- I think I was afraid because I knew just how much I fit with this person and losing that seemed really scary. I don't try to beat myself up over it because I realize we are young and relationships are about intense growth. Anyways, skip ahead and I honestly did a lot to sabotage things. Dependence upon another person scared me.
We took some time over the summer to re-collect ourselves. I got into therapy and got on treatment for depression. We had a very honest talk about what we wanted our future to be. We both agreed hands-down we were in love and wanted to continue. We shacked up for a month or so until school started up and I moved into my own place nearby.
Things were AWESOME. There was no arguing, no power playing, and we maintained a really healthy balance between school, hobbies, friends and each other. We were extremely affectionate, the sex life was great and I think for maybe the first time in my life I understood what it means to have true reverence for the well-being of another person (outside of family). I almost felt like he was my family. On top of this, I felt I had been making strides personally- loving school and finally feeling like I had found a tight-knit group. It seemed we could do anything together and like hang-ups between two people who loved each other could truly be worked through effectively. I felt LUCKY.
As for him, he expressed the same through his words and actions. He referred to himself as "the luckiest man in the world," called me his best friend, told me he loved me every day. When I had a bad day, he was there. Always invited me over, during busy weekdays expressed missing me, asked me on lots of dates, bought me a BEAUTIFUL, thoughtful necklace for my birthday two weeks ago and had a trip planned for the two of us for next weekend (he rented a cabin). But, most importantly, we just felt really good around each other and had a mutual love for life and adventure as well as chilling out watching bad TV. However, unlike me, he was having a hard time feeling content in school, had surgery on his hand and is maybe having somewhat of an "existential crisis."
One night a week or so ago he started tearing up and talking about how he felt "destined to be a workaholic," didn't know if he could feel truly happy and was worried he was doomed to fail me. I asked him what he needed from me- to stay or go, and he told me to wait it out with him.
A few days later, he went from asking me to go see a movie to breaking up with me in the span of 20 minutes. He told me he wasn't sure what he wanted and didn't want a relationship. It was absolutely not pre-meditated. I saw him the next night at a party and he was on drugs/drunk dancing with girls. He did not say hello to me. I spent a few days being devastated. We've spoken on the phone twice- both times he has been very tearful, confused, obviously hurting but says it's the right choice.
I'm very confused. I am not so much interested in people telling me to move on, because I absolutely realize that's the next step. I have backed off. I'm letting him do what he needs to do and focusing on myself. But after a lot of reflection of my own I want this to be temporary. I feel like this is a common thing that people go through in young relationships. I'm interested in whether it ever pans out happily. This seems very much like an impulsive, grass-is-greener sort of scenario on his part, but I could be wrong. In what sorts of situations do men break things off, take time to themselves and come back more invested? I know this is somewhat common. This is basically a "could he be back" question, but with the absolute assurance that I hope to focus on myself for the time being. It is also a question asking for any similar stories and about the hot-and-cold confusion young men tend to go through in their 20s. If it is meant to be, if he really is meant to come around, what sorts of things could I do to inspire it in him?
I miss him. I know he's confused but something about this seems off. I want him back.