Should I talk to my boyfriend about my food problems?

October 28, 2012 10:25 AM

What are the ethics of disclosing an eating disorder to your partner if you're not prepared to tackle the problem?

For a couple of years in high school, I had a subclinical eating disorder (the details aren't really relevant here). I didn't get any professional treatment at that point, but more or less "recovered" - I've eaten basically normally for four or five years now, though my body image/the psychological stuff hasn't always been great in that time.

Long story short, a couple of months ago a confluence of stressful things happened - I took a vacation with my parents (we have a difficult relationship), I was trying to finish the first draft of the book I'd been writing, I'd been doing my boss' job as well as my own for the previous eight weeks while she'd been recovering from surgery, my GP recommended I stop taking the antidepressant I'd been on for three years (and I, for some reason, didn't think this would be the worst idea ever), and my boyfriend was going through a rough patch & our relationship was a little rocky. The combination of these things flicked the "I can't deal with this now" switch in my brain, and sure enough the disordered eating behaviours came back in full force, and stronger than any of the minor recurrences I've had since high school.

Fast forward a couple of months. I've lost a noticeable amount of weight, and people are beginning to ask me about it. I've spoken to one friend about it (only in the last week), and he's being supportive without putting any pressure on me. I'm seeing a therapist for unrelated reasons, but I don't really want to bring it up in therapy, both because I feel completely unwilling and unable to deal (with a view to normalising my eating) with the problem right now and because I'm deeply, deeply ashamed of what I'm doing to myself. At the same time, it's becoming more apparent by the day that I'm in this way deeper than I thought I was, and that it's going to be a hell of a hole to dig myself out of when I am ready (or when someone forces me to, as happened in high school). It's the first time this has happened to me as an independent adult, and the fact that I can pretty much do what I like with no one to stop me and minimal need to conceal my behaviour is pretty terrifying. I am grudgingly aware that it is, at this point, basically out of control.

My boyfriend's rough patch hasn't really improved, and, after a couple of months of skating around the issues we're facing both together and separately, we've finally decided to sit down and talk it through tomorrow. There's a significant part of me that would like to open up to him about everything that's going on with me - I could use the support - but I'm very concerned that it would be unfair and deeply emotionally manipulative to bring this up with him at a time when I'm neither willing nor able to take steps to fix the problem. He's the only person I eat normally around, and I don't think he's noticed the weight loss, so I don't have reason to believe he suspects anything. I'm also scared, though I know it's the irrational part of me speaking, that he'll try to make me start eating normally.

He's also in the middle of a pretty shitty time himself, and I don't want to burden him with anything more than necessary when he almost certainly doesn't have the emotional energy for something on this scale. In case it's relevant: we've been together six months, he knows about pretty much all my other issues and is generally very understanding.

I guess what I'm asking is: what are the pros and cons of having this conversation with him?

posted by terretu to human relations (15 answers total)

You seem to think that he'll be supportive of you -- he's your boyfriend, he cares about you, he's the best person to bring this up to. It's a big part of your life right now, and he deserves to know what's up with you. Just tell him what you need -- if you're just telling him to get it all out there and what you need is to talk about it, tell him that. If you don't want him to watch your eating, ask him not to.

The pro is that you'll have someone else in your corner on something that you obviously need some support with.
posted by DoubleLune at 10:39 AM on October 28, 2012 [1 favorite]

That's a tough situation you're in! I imagine he has noticed the weight loss, or people around him will have noticed and pointed it out to him. If you're eating normally around him, he's probably got no idea.

FWIW: Can you get back onto your anti depressants? Not in an attempt to get better, but just to remove one pressure right now.

If you don't want to talk to him about it now, but it looks like the ED is only going to get worse, you will have to have the conversation at some point. That, or it'll break you up because of the way they warp your personality and priorities. So if you don't have the conversation now, it's more like you're putting it off rather than never having it. There will never be a good time, but if you've decided to have a serious conversation, it is an appropriate time.

It's not manipulative to tell him, because you don't want anything from him. It's not for pity or help, but for honesty. You don't want treatment now, but you might do in the future. Being secretive won't help anything, one way or another. Provided that you're willing to work together on the other stressful issues right now, rather than use food to hide away from everything else in your life.

It may be helpful to have a quick guide to ED- ways he can support you without antagonising things. I know the fear of being forced to eat normally.

My personal opinion would be that if you go to your GP about the anti-depressants, bring it up then. The sooner your approach the problem, the better.

Good luck.
posted by Braeburn at 10:55 AM on October 28, 2012

You believe aren't ready to deal with this because you're in a situation where you're alone with it. You don't have to isolate yourself!

Whether you tell him or not (I think you should - let him decide if it is too much to deal with; don't decide for him) - you need to get out of your own head and into a supportive situation. You sound like you are soberly and honestly looking at the problem, but the fact that you have willingly isolated yourself here is your blind spot. What kind of real support can you get to deal with this before it spirals out of control? You know the resources available to you better than we do. Do that.

You should not have to be alone with this.

You have a good head on your shoulders, but this is too important to deal with "when things are less stressful". The time is now! Tell your GP. Get back on your meds. Tell your boyfriend. You are in control, but the more alone you are with it, the harder it will be. You can turn this around, and you deserve all of the love and support - personal and professional - that you can get to help you through!

Good luck to you. If you would like someone to help you really think through the options available to you and how you can best get out of a bad situation, please do not hesitate to memail me. This is your life and your health and happiness. The people in your life that care about you are not burdened when you simply report that you are going through a difficult time. You have a right to express that you are in trouble and need support - it is vital to you!

Please be kind to yourself. You deserve kindness and care - start with you! You can do it. You will do it!
posted by pazazygeek at 11:26 AM on October 28, 2012 [2 favorites]

if you're not prepared to tackle the problem?

I agree with pazazygeek, in theory.

In practice, I would have zero patience for my partner telling me "I have a problem, but plan to do nothing about it for now and don't expect you to try to fix it for me".

If you don't want help, keep it to yourself. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but people that care about you will want to help you, not patiently watch you waste away.
posted by pla at 11:40 AM on October 28, 2012 [7 favorites]

You said something very interesting: He is the only person you eat normally around. I think that is an important clue for your decision-making process. Why do you think it occurs?

I wonder if it occurs as a means to hide the disorder, in which case I might be hesitant to tell him at this time. If you don't tell, you can still change your mind later. But if you do tell and it goes badly, you can't take it back.

Since having no limits terrifies you and leaves you feeling out of control, not telling him while you deal with some of the other issues might preserve a brake on your behavior. But if you eat normally around him for some reason other than hiding your disorder, telling him might put an ally in your corner and serve as a better brake on the disordered eating than not telling.

If it were me, I would think about why I was eating normally around him and try to get some feel for how I think telling him would impact that. And I would base my decision on whether I thought telling helped or hurt in that regard.
posted by Michele in California at 11:45 AM on October 28, 2012 [1 favorite]

He's also in the middle of a pretty shitty time himself, and I don't want to burden him with anything more than necessary when he almost certainly doesn't have the emotional energy for something on this scale.

It's never going to be the perfect time to tell, so forget about waiting till then. You'll always be able to find another excuse not to. He's too stressed/busy, you're too stressed/busy, the holidays are coming up, it's someone's birthday, etc. Just tell him. Today. Even though it's not the best time. The perfect is the enemy of the good.

it would be unfair and deeply emotionally manipulative to bring this up with him at a time when I'm neither willing nor able to take steps to fix the problem.

No, it's unfair and manipulative to hide reality from him, preventing him from making informed decisions, in order to protect either him or yourself. I don't understand pla's comment, which makes it sound like you shouldn't be open and honest with your partner unless you suddenly have all the willpower you need to fix the problem. Lack of willpower is a huge part of the problem itself. Be an adult, be upfront about the situation with your partner, and go from there. Otherwise, you'll be regularly lying-by-omission to your partner, and I can't believe anyone would seriously suggest that's the right way to have a healthy relationship.
posted by John Cohen at 12:11 PM on October 28, 2012 [4 favorites]

He can probably handle being aware of this. He's handled hearing about other problems you're dealing with, and you're aware of what's going on with him.

Telling him would be honest and consistent with the intent of the meeting. You've set up this time to be open and honest about yourselves. Hiding it might be more upsetting to him and feel manipulative.

And while you worry that it's wrong to bring it up when you're not able to immediately solve it, to me it seems like getting his support would be a step towards solving it. His love and acceptance could potentially help counteract the shame you feel, allowing you to open up about your struggles for help from others.

Wanting support is a good, healthy thing. You don't need to feel guilty about reaching out. Those who love you want to help in whatever way they can. You may need to help them understand what is helpful and what is not, but don't hesitate to share your burdens and ask for help.
posted by salvia at 12:25 PM on October 28, 2012

Check your memail.
posted by insectosaurus at 12:55 PM on October 28, 2012

I would say that you have an obligation to tell him so that he can decide what he wants to do about your relationship. Not to be alarmist, but eating disorders have the highest morbidity and mortality rates of any mental illness. If my partner had a potentially fatal disease and was choosing to reject treatment, I'd want to know so that I could prepare myself to deal with her illness and possibly death, or so that I could decide to break things off now, before I got too attached to her. You owe it to him to tell him the truth so that he can decide whether he's willing and able to watch you die. I know you say that you don't think this affects him because you eat normally in front of him. You are wrong about that. If and when you become seriously ill, he's going to be deeply affected, and I think you owe it to him to let him decide whether and how to handle that eventuality.

I realize that you feel unable/unwilling to deal with this right now. But I think you need to deal with the fact that those feelings are a symptom of the illness, not a sign that you should put off dealing with it. You're framing your rejection of treatment as a self-protective measure to preserve your mental health, but in fact, it's a way that your brain is tricking you into not protecting yourself. Your shame is another trick that your disease uses to prevent you from looking out for your own best interests. Recognizing that is the first, very scary, step towards getting better. You need to tell your therapist so that you can get the help you need.

Please take care of yourself, and feel free to MeMail me any time if you need someone to talk to.
posted by decathecting at 1:17 PM on October 28, 2012 [14 favorites]

How is he not noticing the weight loss? I think that would be the test. If he is so consumed with his own problems that he doesn't notice you disappearing in front of him, then don't bother telling him but do get some help. If he asks about the weight loss, you have to tell him the truth. A lie is a lie even if it one that you tell yourself first.

Please try to change your perspective and lose your shame. This has happened because of something in your genetic make-up. You need medical attention for it. You can't control your genes.
posted by myselfasme at 1:58 PM on October 28, 2012

It sounds like you want to tell him, so let's go with that.

First, talking about your eating disorder before it's fixed and easier for everyone else to deal with does NOT make you an asshole. Depression often gives me that message as well, and it is part of the disorder. It serves to isolate you. Your beautiful secrets sing "keep me, keep me" while they destroy you.

In my own relationship, we do talk about personal struggles that we're not ready to fix because we need to rely on the other person for support. It is Step 1 of many, many steps towards change. It doesn't mean we are ready for Step 2, but it is a Step. It was certainly scary for me at first, and it is still intimidating to admit things to him even though we are so practiced at it by now.

Keeping it a secret also gives you a sliver of control, which seems to be a large part of the disordered thinking for many people with eating disorders. By which I mean: Things in your life flew out of control, so you grabbed control of your food consumption and are now keeping control of your partner's knowledge of it. Speaking up leaves you open to his reaction, which you cannot control.

You are clearly concerned that you don't want to up-stage him. Your empathy for him comes through loud and clear. If I were you, I would talk about that directly. Tell him that you are struggling with a big thing and you want him to know about it and that you need support, but that you are also concerned about him and his rough patch and you also want to support him. Take the "we're in this together" route.

Please try to change your perspective and lose your shame.

Well, that's the whole trick, isn't it? If it were as easy to turn off that shame and change one's perspective as it is to flip a lightswitch, the world would be a very different place. This is hard work and you're tired and stressed. It will take time. And you can do it.

To that end, there is a wonderful webcomic by a woman in Australia who is journalling her struggles and (ongoing) recovery from anorexia. The webcomic/journal is called I DO NOT HAVE AN EATING DISORDER. You could submit this question to her on her Tumblr blog (Just Be Honest For Now*) where she chats with people about this quite regularly (I recommend subscribing to this blog and reading it regularly, as it may prove helpful in your own struggles and recovery), or check out her list of (international) resources on ED, strategies for resisting it, strategies for resisting self-harm, depression/suicide hotlines, etc.

I'm sorry things are so rough right now.


note: Khale is a lesbian who also posts pics/art of ladies big and small, clothed and nude; whether this is a bonus feature or not is up to you
posted by heatherann at 2:55 PM on October 28, 2012 [2 favorites]

Having dated a couple of starving model types, and endured the eventual stress of it all, I'd definitely want to know, and I'd feel a bit annoyed if you held this back for too long. (Then again, I'm in a place now where I'd assume an eating disorder in any new romantic interest, until she demonstrated otherwise.)

I'd also understand your shyness about it. But tell him eventually, no matter whether it gets better or worse, and preferably before your relationship gets deeper or more serious.

You want someone who's okay with it, after all.
posted by rokusan at 7:56 PM on October 28, 2012

1. You are not burdening your boyfriend with your eating disorder. You should tell him that you have an eating disorder and you should explain that with stress that it's exacerbated. Explain that he isn't causing your eating disorder, nor can he cure it for you. Do not go into detail about your plans for dealing with it. (Or not dealing with it.)

2. You have a therapist. A therapist is a non-judgmental person to whom you can confide anything and who guides you through the tough/rough patches of your life. Please, for the love of all that's holy, at least tell your therapist that you are restricting food and that you're experiencing a relapse into your eating disorder.

3. You are not alone. So many people suffer with eating disorders. So many of us are mean to ourselves, ashamed and unhappy when we think about how we abuse ourselves with food, or by restricting food. We can be strong, and we need to be honest, and we need to ask for help when we need it. Sweetie, you need help.

You do not have to be strong in the face of your eating disorder; you have nothing to be ashamed of. I promise you, you will feel so much better when you discuss this with your boyfriend and with your therapist.

Your eating disorder is tricking your brain right now, please be guided by people who can think clearly and who can advise you.

I'm praying for you. You deserve to be healthy and happy.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:31 AM on October 29, 2012

I echo what Ruthless Bunny says above, your therapist is NOT going to start from the position that YOU MUST DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS NOW!

no-one is going to take away your agency, you will still be in control if you decide to disclose the problem. In fact it may relieve some of the pressure and inadvertently help.

You know that part of the issue is that you feel in control, it feels good to you to be in control of something no matter how disordered it is or appears to be.

I strongly urge you to tell your therapist and say exactly what you have said to us. It is not that you are not going to deal with it now, or even have no intention of that, because if that were 100% true you would not put this on the Green. your therapist is NOT concerned with being in the parental role and admonishing you or asking you to change, he or she will probably focus on how it is making you feel right now. You have been through this before and come out the other side. You will do it again. Many, many people have maladaptive mechanisms of dealing with issues and they don't die from it. It goes through phases.

If you do tell your boyfriend it would be good to preface the discussion with "I'm not asking you to problem solve (which is a pretty automatic reaction for someone who cares for you!) this issue and I'm not yet ABLE to change the behaviour. I hope sometime in the future that enough things change to allow me to be back in control, for now I just need you to be aware of this"

Go back and look at the last time you turned the corner, what helped?, what were you doing?, are their mechnisms you can replicate (like going back on your Anti-D meds)

Take a Berroca multivitamin daily and depending on your age watch calcium.

You are not thinking straight but I know you may find that insulting. You know on an intellectual level how this develops. Please, please use all avenues of support you can, talk to your GP, Therapist and Boyfriend.
posted by Wilder at 9:22 AM on October 29, 2012

Hi everyone, it's the OP. I'd just like to thank you all for your responses - they've been overwhelming. The advice everyone gave here really clarified three things for me:

1) That I should talk to my boyfriend about it.
2) That I should start taking meds again as an easy way to reduce one point of stress.
3) That this is a lot bigger and scarier than I've really been willing to face up to, that it's worse than I was willing to admit to myself, that my insight is compromised in ways I hadn't even considered and that I need to start thinking very seriously about taking steps towards fixing it.

Points 1) and 2) have now happened (I had a six-week supply of meds left over, which my GP told me to start taking again if things got rough and then call him after a couple of weeks).

My boyfriend and I spent nearly four hours talking things over last night, the upshot of which is that we've got a lot of problems both as individuals and as a couple, but we're going to try to keep communicating like this and working through the stuff. It was never going to fix itself in one conversation, but I feel much more positive about the relationship stuff than I had for quite some while before we talked.

He also took the ED stuff incredibly well - better than I imagined the best outcome could go, even. He listened, said supportive things, was amazed (and I think a little mad at himself, though I didn't want to make him feel bad) that he had missed the signs without being mad at me for having concealed it, asked all the right questions, encouraged me to keep talking to the mutual friend we have who has experience of this stuff and who I'd already begun talking to, encouraged me to seek professional help as soon as I can, made it clear he'd do whatever he could to support me and asked me specifically what level of support I felt I needed from him. And, importantly, he didn't freak out or run for the hills.

So I feel incredibly lucky, both that I know he's on my side and that I can count on fantastic advice from people on the Green.

Thank you all again - this isn't going to be a easy hole for me to pull myself out of, but I feel more hopeful about it already.
posted by terretu at 8:18 AM on October 30, 2012 [3 favorites]