Poly to mono?
October 27, 2012 6:44 PM Subscribe
Polyamorous, yet want to focus on one person right now. How to tell the others? Is this even normal or should I start re-evaluating my orientation?
posted by sucky_poppet to Human Relations (12 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
I'm polyamorous (or so I thought for the past couple years), female, and have been dating multiple people for a couple of years after a long monogamous relationship that didn't work out because I fell for someone else (as happened before). I thought poly was the answer, but maybe not.
One lover has had staying power for the whole two years. Over the past couple of years, we've been each other's closest friend and lover. Both of us have had about a half-dozen other involvements in that time but neither of us has managed to feel a deep connection with any of them. He has called himself a serial monogamist who isn't the jealous type.
Our relationship has deepened. We both just sort of stopped being interested in other people over the past few months. We didn't formalize it, but we've both said we don't really want anyone else at the moment.
A couple of nights ago, I met up with someone after work (to discuss a work issue) but it was a time when my sweetie wanted to see me, and he seemed jealous until the next day when I explained why I had been meeting this other person instead (we didn't have plans, but generally I see him after work most nights).
He doesn't think of himself as the jealous type, but it seemed like he was to me. (He has tried to downplay the incident). I love him, and I don't want or need anyone else...not that I can't love more than one person, I just don't right now.
However, a casual lover from the poly community is in town this coming week. I set up a date with him for a few days from now, before this incident. We've only hooked up three times, over the course of four months. But he's really cool, and I want to deal with him and my primary lover respectfully.
Should I meet my more casual friend out as we planned and tell him in person that I'm just focusing on my other lover right now? Or should I send him a Facebook message or text? A phone call isn't an option as my phone will be off until after our date was planned for.
Should I make a big deal of this to my main partner? He'll probably insist he's not jealous and that I should do what I want. My intuition tells me otherwise, though, and I have decided it just isn't worth the strain it puts on our relationship.