Overly attentive girlfriend.

October 26, 2012 9:14 PM

How do I ask my girlfriend to dial it back a notch without making her feel rejected?

I just started a new relationship in the past month, and everything is going well, except for a minor problem-- she wants me around all the time. She wants me to be at her house every night, and when I'm not there, she is texting me or calling me constantly. She gets upset if i stop texting her before I go to sleep. It's starting to wear me out, but all I really need is a little bit of alone time. I like staying at her place most nights, but I need to be able to stay a night at my place without having an argument about it. It hasn't really been a source of arguments yet, but I can see it being one down the road. How can I ask her to dial it back a little bit without her seeing it as rejection? I really just need time to myself sometimes when I can play video games or read the Internet or something without the constant pings asking what I'm doing, etc.

Probably relevant detail, I'm in my mid thirties, she is in her early twenties. Also, she just moved to this city from another state and so doesn't really have many local friends and no family here.

posted by anonymous to human relations (21 answers total)

Just tell her honestly what you need/want in terms of alone time.
I suspect that you may find that she's in a different place about this. Better to confront it honestly now than to enable this neediness on her part much longer and get deeper into a relationship that is not a good fit for you.
posted by HuronBob at 9:19 PM on October 26, 2012 [5 favorites]

I would be like, "hey, I really like being with you, but I need some alone time. I know not everybody sees eye-to-eye on this kind of thing but I just wanted you to know that about me so you don't feel like I'm trying to push you away or something."

Not gonna lie though, it's hard to sort out time/personal space issues in a relationship with an age gap like that. Priorities are usually different.
posted by stoneandstar at 9:21 PM on October 26, 2012 [11 favorites]

My issues with the age difference aside (I've been on her end of things), here are the things that work for boundaries with me (now that i'm in my late 20s with 3 codependant LTR failures under my belt)

1) clear reasons for being apart
-- What do you want to accomplish in your alone time? What are the goals that you are working towards, or the personal values you are upholding?
-- If you just need to relax, tell her that you're going to turn into a grinch if you don't get time to decompress in your own head.

2) clear endpoint to the apartness, specific things for her to look forward to, or that you are looking forward to.
-- frame it as quality over quantity, too.
-- mention you'll be more prepared to give her your full attention the next time you hang out if you can concentrate on the other parts of your life while apart.
posted by itesser at 9:47 PM on October 26, 2012 [9 favorites]

You might try being extra sweet/romantic as you frame the conversation - something like bringing her flowers and saying "I was just thinking of you. Which made me realize that I really am an 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' kind of guy - I'm better able to reflect on things and be more present in a relationship when I have time to myself to think and keep my own life running smoothly in between the times we spend together." Keep it light at first - you don't want to turn it into an argument until it really is a problem.
posted by judith at 10:17 PM on October 26, 2012 [4 favorites]

Assert that you have somewhere to be (even if that somewhere is at home in front of your television by yourself), and show her you're still interested by making plans for the future. Don't be apologetic. Be upfront but genuine about wanting to see her soon (just not right this second).

"Hey! I actually have plans tonight to go hang out with a few friends. Let's make plans for Saturday. Can't wait to see you again. :)"

If she whines or picks a fight, don't be afraid to get honest. "Hey, it frustrates me to hear that you're not okay with me having some alone time. I'm really big on balance -- we both need time apart sometimes so that we can breathe and enjoy each others company that much more when we are together. Please don't guilt trip me about this. I'd like to see you again on Saturday. What say you to getting dinner and going to a movie?"

And if she still throws a hissy fit, seriously consider that she's not ready for the kind of relationship you'd like, and that ending the relationship now while it's young is the best thing you can do for her and for you.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 10:22 PM on October 26, 2012 [12 favorites]

Ick, what judith said smacks of condescension to me. Just be upfront with her. I like itessers points to give her a clear framework of your needs. And after you have this talk with her, be sure to follow through and enforce your boundaries. Like after an evening/overnight together, say "I had a super great time with you last night. I'm going to go home and unwind by myself for the rest of the day. I'll call/text before I go to bed so we can say goodnight". If she doesn't heed your message and texts/calls during that day, respond with "I'll call/text later tonight. Watching a movie/napping/working out/whatever". I don't think you must have plans/make excuses to not be hanging out with her, because sometimes you just don't want to hang out with people, and that's okay.

She might not be okay with this kind of distance though, and (though I find this to be a sign of insecurity, it's a need she currently has and should be respected also) you should be prepared for that. If it's a dealbreaker, as it is for me, it's a dealbreaker, and that's totally acceptable and reasonable.

And don't let people harp on you about age differences. I've been the young lady in a relationship with older men and have had the older men be way clingier than I ever was. Age does not equal maturity.
posted by greta simone at 10:33 PM on October 26, 2012 [8 favorites]

describe alone time as recharging. ask for recharging time.
posted by Ironmouth at 10:52 PM on October 26, 2012 [5 favorites]

Re text messages - "I'm going to chill at home tonight. I'll talk to you tomorrow."

Just be honest and tell her you need a certain amount of down/alone time. i.e. "I think you're great and I love hanging out with you but sometimes I need to hang out by myself. Let's meet up tomorrow or Thursday."

She doesn't know what your needs are so you have to tell her. Encourage her involvement in other activities, French lessons, volunteering, joining meetups, etc. And let these be her activities. Don't participate in her supper/book/whatever club.
posted by shoesietart at 11:02 PM on October 26, 2012 [1 favorite]

You tell her what you need, and she accepts it the same way you accept it when she tells you what she needs -- and if those two things are in conflict, you discuss it and work out a compromise, because that's what people in relationships do.

On the other hand, if you keep on fulfilling her needs completely while ignoring your own needs and accepting that they won't be fulfilled -- despite being perfectly reasonable -- then you're not really in a relationship, you're more of an employee or supporting her in a very one-sided way.

In short: you're as entitled to your happiness as she is to hers, and you should be in a relationship with someone who is as invested in fulfilling your needs as you are in fulfilling theirs. This will never be a perfect thing -- there will always be compromise, there will always be give as well as get -- but again, that's what people in relationships do.

By contrast, what you're starting to do already is walk on eggshells, sublimating your needs to hers in order to avoid arguments that you haven't even had yet. That can't be good.
posted by davejay at 11:28 PM on October 26, 2012 [8 favorites]

Did you ever want to be with a particular someone "all the time?" If so, how would you want to be told that someone needed you to dial back?
posted by Obscure Reference at 12:01 AM on October 27, 2012

I can get a little insecure in a relationship when a few days go by without hearing from my SO. I've found that at the end of one get together, I try to make sure the next one is scheduled. This way I know when I'll see him next and I worry less if I don't hear from him until then. It also gives me the brain space to focus on other things in my life that I enjoy or need to do rather than be waiting for him to show further interest by texting or calling.

Maybe try setting up a certain night for doing something routine together. Like every Saturday night is movie night. Try giving her some predictability, set up some structure, and she may start feeling a little less like she needs to be in constant contact with you.
posted by E3 at 12:03 AM on October 27, 2012 [1 favorite]

The amount of texting the two of you are doing sounds horrible to me. In your shoes, I would ask if we could stop that completely (or all but). I like greta simone's idea of one phone call to say goodnight.

This may or may not be deal-breaker. My current partner used to phone me when he had nothing particular to talk about; I told him I don't like to spend a lot of time on the phone and he stopped it. If he hadn't been willing or able to stop, though, we wouldn't be together. I hate that constant contact thing-- whether by text or by phone. Some people are attached to it; some do it without thinking and wouldn't have too much trouble giving it up.
posted by BibiRose at 3:56 AM on October 27, 2012 [3 favorites]

Also, in the past i have presented this as purely a thing about the device, namely the phone. This is quite easy to frame without making it personal. However, I see that maybe she also wants to spend more time with you than you want. This is trickier but at the same time, you may not have to be explicit about it; just keep your plans clear.

And do make sure you're sending the right messages. I got the "we need to dial back" thing from a guy once after a few dates that, to my mind, went on way too long as well as not being clearly defined. Both of us were at fault there. Again, you don't have to say you want to spend less time with her, just make your plans specific.
posted by BibiRose at 4:05 AM on October 27, 2012

I would just tell her as honestly and bluntly as possible, but I'd do it in person or at least over the phone. Tone of voice goes a long way.

The other thing is, you can't keep people from feeling rejected/sad/angry/unhappy. It's part of the human condition and it's not a responsibility to take onto your shoulders for other people. If she feels rejected for a few days, she'll be fine. The important part is that you are clearly communicating about what you need so that she can either agree to help you get it in the context of the relationship or decide to end the relationship because your needs are incompatible. Anything else is dragging out the time when she thinks you're happy but you're not, and that is pointless for both of you.
posted by the young rope-rider at 6:07 AM on October 27, 2012 [2 favorites]

Man up. Express your needs in an honest, direct manner. You aren't giving her the real you by constantly bowing to her needs. Be yourself, if she doesn't like it then it's better to know now than after you have 3 kids and a house note. The most important part of dating is getting to know each other- the real you, the real her- and deciding if you are compatible or not. Every time you give in and do something with her that you do not truly want to do, you are are putting a fault line in your relationship. I'm not saying that you shouldn't work out a compromise. I'm saying that she needs to know that you are working out a compromise, it should be a conversation, not an argument.
posted by myselfasme at 6:41 AM on October 27, 2012 [3 favorites]

As an extroverted 20-something dating an introverted guy in his mid-30s: Just be honest. Presumably you thought she was mature enough to be worth dating. I bet she'll be fine.

My boyfriend simply told me that he loved spending time with me, but needed some time alone to recharge. He was clear that it was something that he needed for himself, that it wasn't about hiding from me. And it's fine. The age gap doesn't have to be a problem.

The fact that your girlfriend is new in town makes things a little harder. Maybe you could encourage her to go to happy hours with coworkers or do something indulgent for herself when you need some down time.
posted by chatongriffes at 8:18 AM on October 27, 2012 [1 favorite]

I like the advice given. I do want to add one thing about the texting thing. I'm a 27 year old who hates texting and was the last person to get a cell phone. I am surrounded by 18-20 year olds all day at college who are constantly texting. It's just a part of their generation, I've noticed. So, just be upfront and honest about it. Call her once before bed to say hi and talk for a few minutes about your days. Tell her you don't really like texting or what the above posters have said. I personally can't stand texting as it interrupts the flow of my day always waiting for a response, so you are not alone in that regard.
posted by eq21 at 9:58 AM on October 27, 2012 [1 favorite]

Be prepared for the whole "telling her how you feel" thing not to go as you're hoping/planning. Not because she's younger, or because she's the girl and you're the guy, or any stupid dismissive shit like that, but because there are absolutely people who are wholly and through no fault of their own UNABLE TO COMPREHEND that some of us desperately need alone time to function.
posted by elizardbits at 10:33 AM on October 27, 2012 [6 favorites]

If part of the issue is that you're an introvert and she's an extravert who doesn't understand introversion, this might be helpful: Caring for Your Introvert.
posted by Lexica at 11:09 AM on October 27, 2012

I'm in my mid thirties, she is in her early twenties. Also, she just moved to this city from another state and so doesn't really have many local friends and no family here.

"Listen, I'm 35 years old. I've been living on my own for a long time and am pretty used to a lot of time by myself. I am happy to be able to spend nights at your place but I need to be at my place to do my own shit a lot of nights. I want us to enjoy the time we spend together but I also really want you to be able to enjoy the time we're apart, with your own friends and your own plans. How can I help you do that?"
posted by DarlingBri at 11:56 AM on October 27, 2012

When I was young and insecure and codependent, the thought process that went through my head was 'what if theyve forgotten about me, or are having second thoughts, or dont really want to be with me' and then i would push to make sure they hadn't forgotten.

I'm not sure any one thing can resolve this in her mind (because its really really not about you, but about you as someone she likes and has feelings for which is scary-because-what-if-they-go-away).

My advice would be to make it as clear as possible that you like her, and enjoy her company, and that your time spent apart is not about any second thoughts you might be having. Basically reassure her that her inner monologue is not an accurate representation of reality, and make sure she can remind herself of that when those thoughts come up.

Not saying it is guaranteed, just that i would imagine that's what's happening.
posted by softlord at 8:34 PM on October 27, 2012