How common is it to masturbate to people from your past if you are in a relationship?
posted by Issas to human relations (24 answers total) 6 users marked this as a favorite
My boyfriend and I moved in together about three months ago - I moved across (several) state lines for him. We have a wonderful relationship that makes me very happy, and we are planning on getting married. A couple of weeks ago, I was using his computer to print something, and in trying to retrieve a file I accidentally came across a good number of his 'secret files'. I did not look through all of them (which took a lot of will power) but before I forced myself to walk away, I did see a fair amount. There were lots of anonymous almost-naked photos - he apparently is into the 'real girl' look and doesn't like porn - which is kind of nice and refreshing! - and a few photos of actresses. However, I also came across a folder labeled by a girls' name - and quickly realized it was a girl who's name I recognized from his facebook. There were 'sexy' photos that she had obviously sent him - one of her pushing her boobs together, one of her fully clothed but touching herself under her clothes- but there were also normal, fully clothed photos saved. (It should be mentioned that these photos were sent and saved several years ago, way before we got together)
I decided not to mention to him that I had found the photos - it's his business, and what good could come of it? - but holding things in is not my strong suit so I ended up telling him what I saw later that night. During that conversation, conversations over the next few days, and countless google searches, I realized how incredibly naive I had been regarding the world of male masturbation. I did not know how widespread and normal it was for guys to masturbate to other women while in relationships with lots of sex (we have great sex once or twice a day, and he receives MANY a blow job), and all of my internet research has been very eye-opening. I do masturbate, but even though something might turn me on, I mostly focus on myself, my vibrator, and how good it feels. The first couple of days after seeing the photos I couldn't sleep and had a hard time eating. I definitely have some anxiety issues - which I realize is a separate issue altogether. I did not get angry at him, demand him to delete the photos, or blab to my friends about his masturbation habits. Since then, I have really come to terms with him looking at random, scantily-clad girls to get off, but I am still having trouble accepting the girls from his past. Here is what I have ascertained:
The folder I found with the girls' name is not the only folder of a girl from his past. Oddly, this makes me feel a lot better because she is not being put on a pedestal above the others. The photos in his spank bank seem to fall into three categories: girls he hooked up with in college/had purely physical relationships with, girls from his past who he wanted to have sex with but didn't, and girls he doesn't know. We sat down and spoke calmly about all of this, because I was under the impression that 'understanding' his habits would lessen my pain. He explained that the pictures are just a means to an end, that masturbating is a distant second to having sex with me, and that he does not talk to or have any emotional connection with any of these girls. He said that he is not overly attached to the photos and that they have just accumulated over the years. He explained that there is no act of comparison going on between the girls he fantasizes about and me, and that it's completely separate. He said that he has masturbated to me before (probably when we were long distance, or before we got together) but that he doesn't as much now - and he's offered insights as to why this is, but it's probably because he has the real thing every day. However, I do plan on giving him some sexy photos of my own at some point, so that might change things..
It seems that the girls who he has photos of are all somehow related to this very sexually charged time he had in college when was getting laid a lot. He explains that he fooled around the exact right amount - he doesn't have any regret, and he's glad he didn't do it more. He says this is just what he uses to get off. I do not want to ask him to delete the photos, and I definitely don't want to be any kind of 'though police' and tell him what/who he can and can't think about when I'm not around. I have a feeling that this would only make these girls and the act of masturbating to them all the more alluring if it is forbidden, and that doesn't seem healthy or good. It seems that my SO just has certain masturbatory habits/ people he masturbates to that are part of his routine.
So far, I've been proud of myself for calming way down over the past several days, trying to face this with a sense of humor, and not badgering him about it after our initial first few conversations. He was incredibly patient and open with me the whole time, and it actually had a pretty incredible effect on me sexually - I was completely insatiable during the several days after I found the photos. I think it has to do with my competitive streak and wanting him to focus on ME and not THEM. The idea of him masturbating turns me on too, but this has a flip side - and I still find myelf feeling competitive and very jealous of these other girls. In his trying to explain things to me, he said some things that made me even more jealous.I have read a lot of online posts - including Ask MeFi posts - about SOs masturbating to ex-girlfirends, or SOs masturbating to porn, or SOs masturbating to people that they currently know. I feel that masturbating to past sex buddies/ past sexual interests is a little different and so here I am writing my own question. The whole idea of masturbating while imaging having sex with someone - especially someone you once knew - while in a relationship is very new to me. So, in order to simplify things, I want to ask:
1) Is it uncommon to masturbate to women from a specific part of your past - whether ex sex-buddies or failed conquests? Does it mean there is a lingering infatuation or just that they are hot or you might have done something really hot together?
2) Is it uncommon to keep (or at least not delete) photos of girls from your past for this purpose?
I know that everyone is different, and everyone fantasizes differently, but I think it would make me feel so much better to have even one anonymous guy say 'yes, I'm madly in love with my girlfriend, but I have some photos of _____ that I still pleasure myself to and remember our crazy times in Cancun', or something of that nature. I have already had the candid talk with my SO, so now I am just working on myself and learning to accept this. Any help or insights anyone could offer would be fantastic. Thank you!