Found boyfriend's masturbatory material, working on internal damage control
October 25, 2012 9:58 AM   Subscribe

How common is it to masturbate to people from your past if you are in a relationship?

My boyfriend and I moved in together about three months ago - I moved across (several) state lines for him. We have a wonderful relationship that makes me very happy, and we are planning on getting married. A couple of weeks ago, I was using his computer to print something, and in trying to retrieve a file I accidentally came across a good number of his 'secret files'. I did not look through all of them (which took a lot of will power) but before I forced myself to walk away, I did see a fair amount. There were lots of anonymous almost-naked photos - he apparently is into the 'real girl' look and doesn't like porn - which is kind of nice and refreshing! - and a few photos of actresses. However, I also came across a folder labeled by a girls' name - and quickly realized it was a girl who's name I recognized from his facebook. There were 'sexy' photos that she had obviously sent him - one of her pushing her boobs together, one of her fully clothed but touching herself under her clothes- but there were also normal, fully clothed photos saved. (It should be mentioned that these photos were sent and saved several years ago, way before we got together)

I decided not to mention to him that I had found the photos - it's his business, and what good could come of it? - but holding things in is not my strong suit so I ended up telling him what I saw later that night. During that conversation, conversations over the next few days, and countless google searches, I realized how incredibly naive I had been regarding the world of male masturbation. I did not know how widespread and normal it was for guys to masturbate to other women while in relationships with lots of sex (we have great sex once or twice a day, and he receives MANY a blow job), and all of my internet research has been very eye-opening. I do masturbate, but even though something might turn me on, I mostly focus on myself, my vibrator, and how good it feels. The first couple of days after seeing the photos I couldn't sleep and had a hard time eating. I definitely have some anxiety issues - which I realize is a separate issue altogether. I did not get angry at him, demand him to delete the photos, or blab to my friends about his masturbation habits. Since then, I have really come to terms with him looking at random, scantily-clad girls to get off, but I am still having trouble accepting the girls from his past. Here is what I have ascertained:

The folder I found with the girls' name is not the only folder of a girl from his past. Oddly, this makes me feel a lot better because she is not being put on a pedestal above the others. The photos in his spank bank seem to fall into three categories: girls he hooked up with in college/had purely physical relationships with, girls from his past who he wanted to have sex with but didn't, and girls he doesn't know. We sat down and spoke calmly about all of this, because I was under the impression that 'understanding' his habits would lessen my pain. He explained that the pictures are just a means to an end, that masturbating is a distant second to having sex with me, and that he does not talk to or have any emotional connection with any of these girls. He said that he is not overly attached to the photos and that they have just accumulated over the years. He explained that there is no act of comparison going on between the girls he fantasizes about and me, and that it's completely separate. He said that he has masturbated to me before (probably when we were long distance, or before we got together) but that he doesn't as much now - and he's offered insights as to why this is, but it's probably because he has the real thing every day. However, I do plan on giving him some sexy photos of my own at some point, so that might change things..

It seems that the girls who he has photos of are all somehow related to this very sexually charged time he had in college when was getting laid a lot. He explains that he fooled around the exact right amount - he doesn't have any regret, and he's glad he didn't do it more. He says this is just what he uses to get off. I do not want to ask him to delete the photos, and I definitely don't want to be any kind of 'though police' and tell him what/who he can and can't think about when I'm not around. I have a feeling that this would only make these girls and the act of masturbating to them all the more alluring if it is forbidden, and that doesn't seem healthy or good. It seems that my SO just has certain masturbatory habits/ people he masturbates to that are part of his routine.

So far, I've been proud of myself for calming way down over the past several days, trying to face this with a sense of humor, and not badgering him about it after our initial first few conversations. He was incredibly patient and open with me the whole time, and it actually had a pretty incredible effect on me sexually - I was completely insatiable during the several days after I found the photos. I think it has to do with my competitive streak and wanting him to focus on ME and not THEM. The idea of him masturbating turns me on too, but this has a flip side - and I still find myelf feeling competitive and very jealous of these other girls. In his trying to explain things to me, he said some things that made me even more jealous.I have read a lot of online posts - including Ask MeFi posts - about SOs masturbating to ex-girlfirends, or SOs masturbating to porn, or SOs masturbating to people that they currently know. I feel that masturbating to past sex buddies/ past sexual interests is a little different and so here I am writing my own question. The whole idea of masturbating while imaging having sex with someone - especially someone you once knew - while in a relationship is very new to me. So, in order to simplify things, I want to ask:

1) Is it uncommon to masturbate to women from a specific part of your past - whether ex sex-buddies or failed conquests? Does it mean there is a lingering infatuation or just that they are hot or you might have done something really hot together?
2) Is it uncommon to keep (or at least not delete) photos of girls from your past for this purpose?

I know that everyone is different, and everyone fantasizes differently, but I think it would make me feel so much better to have even one anonymous guy say 'yes, I'm madly in love with my girlfriend, but I have some photos of _____ that I still pleasure myself to and remember our crazy times in Cancun', or something of that nature. I have already had the candid talk with my SO, so now I am just working on myself and learning to accept this. Any help or insights anyone could offer would be fantastic. Thank you!
posted by Issas to Human Relations (24 answers total) 6 users marked this as a favorite

 
You accidentally found these photos? Really?

Sorry, but I have to call bullshit on that.

I (a woman) masturbate thinking about guys I had sex with in the past. Or guys that I wished I fucked but did not. I'm not currently in a relationship, but when I have been, I've done the same. But I would never talk to an SO about this, and I'd really resent an inquisition into my masturbation habits. And if a boyfriend snooped around my computer, I would be exceptionally angry. Your boyfriend sounds like he has the patience of a saint.

You also keep saying that he said that masturbation comes second, he masturbates less when he's getting the "real thing" . . . Sex with a partner and masturbation are very different. A well-balanced sexual diet requires a bit of both. I would also say, and this varies for everyone, that mental space and privacy in a relationship is very important, too. You guys live together and share a lot, but you should also be able to have private fantasy lives and thoughts that you do not share with each other.

Some things seem hurtful and ugly when said out loud, but they don't hurt anyone when they're just percolating in your brain. Playing the thought police is not a winning strategy.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 10:09 AM on October 25, 2012 [19 favorites]


As a girl, it would creep me out to know some guy I sent a sexy picture to who I no longer am with was still masturbating to it. But this isn't about those girls. You have the right to feel however you feel about what he does, no matter if what he does is totally common or very strange. So it really doesn't matter if anybody else does this -- it matters how you feel about it.

And I don't think coming down on the OP for "privacy invasion" or whatever is going to help answer the question she's asking.
posted by DoubleLune at 10:27 AM on October 25, 2012 [13 favorites]


I imagine the honestly it's more a case of conditioning, he has had many a fun night before you came along with those pictures so his brain is wired to be aroused when looking at those pictures as it got a nice fun hit of happy hormones when he jerked off to them. He looks at one of the old pictures and all the old horny comes back as his brain is wanting another hit. Your boyfriends lack of worry that you found the pictures and the fact there is more than one folder of these pics really makes me doubt that it is any sort of emotional attachment to these women anymore.

How you found the photos is irrelevant IMO your bf didn't seem too bothered so I consider that between the two of you. If it really bothers you talk to him and say you don't mind him looking at nameless models but masturbating to people he used to know is kind of bothering you, could he maybe not use those pictures any more maybe move them to a thumb drive or something if he wants to save them for sentimental reasons. I wouldn't consider that an unusual request.

I am saying all this of course while not actually being equipped with a male brain so my ideas maybe off a little but I am the user of pretty much all the porn in my marriage and if my husband was bothered by anything I liked to look and offered some sort of compromises instead of banning all porn I'd listen to his concerns. It seems like your bf is pretty understanding so maybe you can come up with a compromise that works for you guys.
posted by wwax at 10:28 AM on October 25, 2012 [2 favorites]


I can't tell you whether this is a big deal to you, only you have the right to decide that.

A helpful more long term view to take might involve reflecting upon whether you think that him getting off while thinking about someone else constitutes emotional cheating, which could someday lead to physical cheating. Is that enough for you to call the whole thing off? Enough to get mad about?

After all, nobody can control what thoughts or images flashes through their brain in the moments before orgasm.

As to your question, I am madly in love with my SO etc, such thoughts of other women, girlfriends have appeared unbidden, but after I am finished with my business I have no burning desire to call them up and propose.

Sex opens a lot of unbidden, slightly disturbing doors inside the male (and perhaps the female?) psyche, but it is still our choice whether we are going to walk through them or not.

For objective reference I am culturally extremely conservative, vanilla, boring, monogamous with no plans or desires to change any of that.
posted by hobo gitano de queretaro at 10:29 AM on October 25, 2012 [2 favorites]


There's nothing terribly unusual about a guy masturbating to pictures of women. I came of age before ubiquitous digital photography and easy sharing of those photos, so I don't have anything saucy of anyone I was ever with. But if I did I could imagine looking at them and being aroused long after the relationship was over.

So you want a normal/not-normal/unusual rating? No, I don't think it's terribly unusual.

You want a rating on how unusual it is for someone to think of other women when they're in a relationship with someone? I'd say not at all unusual. I'd also say it's not a predictor of whether or not someone is going to stray or is happy with their current sex life. You might be able to parse that sort of thing out if you figured out enough surrounding details but you'd be way better off just looking at their behavior and integrity.

So all that aside, the real meat of it is this: You get to be bothered by whatever you want in this life. Right and wrong has little to do with it. I'd suggest that it may be in the best interest of your happiness to learn to leave some troubles behind, but there's nothing productive about deciding if You're Right and Someone Else Is Wrong.

You're probably going to get mostly advice on AskMe that matches my thinking on the matter - people's masturbatory fantasies are pretty irrelevant and okay and worrying about your partner pleasuring themselves is pointless. The only exception I'd rate for that is if someone is habitually choosing self-love over being intimate with their partner. Which I wouldn't call WRONG, but I'd say it's an indicator of an issue or a serious incompatibility.

Now, the pictures of women from his past? I think it would be very reasonable for you to ask him politely to delete the saucy ones. These are real people and that's close enough to a questionable line that I think you're being not at all unreasonable in saying that it makes you uncomfortable to have him looking at naked pictures from women in his past. It's also just kind of a basic courtesy, I think, to destroy naked pictures that the subject probably wouldn't want you having anymore.

You're being a real champ about owning your own reaction and trying to do right by your partner. If anything you're being a little overly cautious, in my opinion, about allowing yourself to feel the way you feel. It's okay to be bugged by something even if you're being totally irrational and it would be wrong to ask your partner to change. You get to be human. Here you've got some very reasonable and some very typical concerns.

tl;dr: A lot of people like to pleasure themselves even when they have sex-on-tap and it's nice to let your partner express their sexuality in the way that makes them happiest. It's also very fair to say "dirty pictures of people from your past is kinda uncool and you should delete them or at least stop looking at them while we're together." Dude's got the internet - he's not going to be at a loss for naked pictures to peep at.
posted by phearlez at 10:49 AM on October 25, 2012 [5 favorites]


Now, the pictures of women from his past? I think it would be very reasonable for you to ask him politely to delete the saucy ones.

I tend to agree with this. It wouldn't bother me to learn that a boyfriend was looking at porn. Likewise, it wouldn't be that surprising to know that someone was thinking about past partners occasionally (though I'd hope not to be told about that). But hanging on to nude pics of past partners crosses a line for me. I'm sure everyone feels differently about this, but I don't think it's wrong to be bothered by it.
posted by three_red_balloons at 10:55 AM on October 25, 2012 [13 favorites]


1) Is it uncommon to masturbate to women from a specific part of your past - whether ex sex-buddies or failed conquests? Does it mean there is a lingering infatuation or just that they are hot or you might have done something really hot together?

It is entirely common. It does not necessarily mean that there's a lingering infatuation - it doesn't mean there isn't, either. I've seen instances of both.

I sometimes fantasize about past partners, and it's pretty much always thinking about really hot things we did together. I can't think of any instances when it represented any desire to do more than think about them to get turned on. I didn't want to contact them, I wasn't pining for them, I just remembered them as part of a really sexy memory. These things, they happen.

There's also just always the allure of something you can't have. It makes it feel slightly forbidden and kind of exciting.

2) Is it uncommon to keep (or at least not delete) photos of girls from your past for this purpose?

In my own limited experience, it is not uncommon at all, and more often than not, it tends to be more a question of not deleting them than it is of clinging to them. In a lot of cases, it's just like - you've got these, and mentally their existence is kind of a weirdly momentous thing for reasons that are hard to articulate, and on the one hand they're no big deal and really should be getting deleted after the breakup, but on the other hand, deleting them feels like deleting memories, so a lot of guys get caught between those poles and just sort of leave them on the hard drive out of inertia and indecision paralysis. Other people's experience may differ.

If it makes you feel better to hear someone say that, then hooray, but I think it may help to try not to think of this in terms of what's normal and what's not. When these feelings of jealousy arise, don't let yourself have a whiplash reaction to them - let them bubble up, and turn them over in your head a bit. Examine them. See if you can get a sense of where they're coming from, what they're about. Try and figure out what he can do that might alleviate those feelings, and be aware that you have the right to at least bring those requests into the dialogue.

Also, be aware that relationships thrive on many things - one of those things is polite fiction. There are impossibly sexy things that I did with past partners, some of the hottest experiences I've ever had, that are not options with the person I'm currently with. This is not a tragedy. It's a trade-off. I knew what to expect and I decided that this person is worth the trade, and I strongly believe that that is enough for me. No one can be everything to one person - and you will drive yourself crazy if you worry about being everything to him - but they can be everything that's important.

He loves and respects you enough to keep this sort of thing private and to have taken seriously your questions and concerns about it. It doesn't seem to have impacted your sex life (except to have contributed to a bit of an improvement in it recently). I mean I understand why this would all wig you out, but it sounds like you are certainly everything that's important to him.

I say this because it sounds like this knowledge set off some alarm bells for you but, divorced from that gut reaction, your respective responses to it are really healthy and communicative, and that's a good thing. The only rules in a relationship are the ones you both agree on, see, and I suspect you're going to get a fair variety of answers, all across the board. Some people may see the only offense here as yours, for snooping, and some people may say that this would be a total dealbreaker and you should dump him, and a million reactions in between. Those will be their terms. You get to set yours. It sounds like yours involves a gut jealous reaction and then a whole lot of very calm realization that this is not a huge deal for the two of you. Your lizard brain had a reaction and now needs to be petted and soothed and cooed at until it calms down. So it goes.

In terms of your discussion with him, in terms of his spank bank, the other women are not even really women at this point - they're memories. They're just something that turns him on sometimes. You, on the other hand, are a woman; you are flesh and blood and you rock his world on the regular - and he does the same for you. On some periodic occasions, for a handful of moments, they are one thing you're not (that one thing being: the specific thing he is jerking off to at that moment). At all other times, you are a million things they're not. If anything, they should be jealous of you. You know?

Unless you're a person's first everything (and probably not even then), it's a rarely-acknowledged truth that, in the big wide country of another person's heart, there will always be an inch or two of ground that is not yours. Maybe it belongs to someone else, and no matter how much they truly and honestly are devoted to you, how much they love you, that inch or two is there, and some tiny tiny part of them will always be a little wistful and sad when they think of that someone, or remembers with fondness a time they shared, or still gets turned on by hot times they had. It's one very small brown patch in acres upon acres of perfect green grass. It's part of the process of being knocked around by life and finding out what works and becoming who you are. I'd probably say something a little different if your question didn't carry the strong sense that this isn't indicative of straying and that neither of you are worried that he might step out on you. But it does, and I think your relationship is in a strong place. As long as that's true, my advice to you is to remind yourself to play with glee and abandon in the big, wide country, and don't let yourself get caught up worrying about the inch or two.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 10:58 AM on October 25, 2012 [26 favorites]


Maybe I missed this, but who says he's jerkin' to these particular photos? Are you watching him? He might just have them, and not have them prominently featured in his current spank bank repertoire.
posted by phunniemee at 11:16 AM on October 25, 2012 [2 favorites]


Urgh. The thing that would make me feel uncomfortable is that he's holding onto images that those girls may not want him to have anymore, or may not know that he has (since he mentioned that some were of girls he didn't sleep with but still knew? As in, he took their pics without them knowing, or got their pics from FB for wank off purposes?).

It's not the porn that would bother me, or the fantasizing about past partners. It's the squick factor of that potential consent issue.
posted by spunweb at 11:17 AM on October 25, 2012 [4 favorites]


I'm with anyone who says that his masturbation habits are none of your business.

Geez! Give the guy a little space!!

YES you can ask him to delete naked photos of past gf's. That's respectful towards them (I'm sure they would appreciate having the pics deleted if they knew the pics still exist) and respectful towards you.

I'm not sure that you get to ask that the non-sexual pics get deleted. I know you didn't bring this up, I'm just saying I'm 50/50 on the issue.

It's good if he decides to keep a few non-sexual pics of people he knows.

I'd be bummed if he were keeping whole databases full of pics of other women.

Is he doing this? If not, move on.

And to reiterate, his masturbation fantasies are really non of your business.
posted by jbenben at 11:18 AM on October 25, 2012 [2 favorites]


You sound like a very level-headed and decent person. A lot of women I've known unfortunately would fly off the handle in a jealous or angry fit if they were in this kind of situation. So kudos to you. This kind of masturbation is totally normal, and as you said, maybe it's better from your perspective that he's doing that to images of "real" women rather than porn actresses. For you, it's better for your guy to have a normal sex drive than a sub-par one, right? It sounds like you guys have a great relationship and he's a great guy. So, I wouldn't worry about it at all.
posted by Dansaman at 11:26 AM on October 25, 2012 [5 favorites]


It is totally normal for people to fantasize about past partners, even if they have zero intention of getting back together. A person's thoughts, sexual and otherwise, are their own business.

Keeping sexy photos of past partners crosses a line. In fact, I'd feel very uncomfortable with an SO using photos of anyone they personally knew to get themselves off. Even if they weren't partners at any point. Even if the photos were G-rated.

I don't think I could give you a precise reason why, or tell you where the line is, but the closer a fantasy gets to a potential real-life situation, the more threatening it seems. So people in committed monogamous relationships joke about giving their partners "free passes" to sleep with Angelina Jolie or George Clooney should the occasion ever arise, but wouldn't dare talk about free passes to sleep with their boss or the yoga teacher or that guy at the next table.

Photos bring a fantasy just a touch closer to reality. Fantasizing about someone you know? Fine, knock yourself out. Masturbating to photos of strangers (taken, presumably, with the subject's consent and knowledge that someone would be batin' to it)? Also fine. The combination of the two? I'm no longer comfortable with that.

There's also the issue of whether this former hookup is okay with your guy continuing to use her photos. This is a thorny issue: once someone has a sexy photo of you, there's little to nothing you can realistically do about it. On the other hand, most people share their photos without thinking of the long-term consequences, and their consent for the other person to use these photos often only lasts as long as the relationship.

Choosing to delete the photos is respectful of this woman's privacy and consent, and it would likely put your mind at ease. You'll have to get comfortable with the notion that his fantasies are his own (as are yours), but I think it's fair for you to ask him to delete the photos.
posted by Metroid Baby at 11:30 AM on October 25, 2012 [1 favorite]


I could see how it would bother you, but I don't think it's a problem.
One's personal fantasy life is different from one's sex life.
Masturbation is "me time"--I get to indulge in any fantasies I want (including former lovers*). When I have sex with my husband, I'm in the moment and not thinking about anyone else.



*I don't have any sexy pics for this purpose. I rely on my imagination and memories.
posted by Val_E_Yum at 11:33 AM on October 25, 2012


Response by poster: Thank you everyone for the feedback so far! It has helped put things into perspective for me.

As for whether it's creepy for him to keep sexy photos of girls from his past - the two I saw weren't naked photos, they were both fully clothed, but in one she had a lot of cleavage and in another, as I said, she was touching herself under her clothes. She sent him those pics while they were not dating or together - just sleeping together - and unless she specifically asked him to delete them I personally don't think it's wrong that he didn't. From what I know about this girl, she may have even wanted him to keep them. I sent sexy photos to an ex bf and asked him to delete them when we broke up, but if I hadn't I wouldn't find it strange that he still used them to masturbate. They were sexy!
posted by Issas at 11:34 AM on October 25, 2012 [1 favorite]


I'm going to veer away from the flock and say that while it's certainly reasonable for you to ask him to delete the sexy photos of his ex-girlfriends, I wouldn't ask my boyfriend to do that. I have a couple of sexy photos from one of my ex-boyfriends, and while I certainly don't continue to masturbate to them, or even look at them, I would be a little annoyed if my boyfriend asked me to delete them. But I have a tendency to hoard things anyway.

I've lived a life before I met my current boyfriend, a life that he wasn't a part of, and he's lived a life that I wasn't a part of. And just because we're together now, it doesn't negate our previous lives or sexual experiences. Our masturbation habits and thoughts are our own, and if I have to recall something that happened 10 years ago to get me over the edge, then I'm gonna do that. Likewise, I know that I am not the person he always thinks about, and I'm ok with it.

But I remember the way that I felt the first time I came across my ex-boyfriend's Box O' Girlfriend Memories. Cards scribbled with love, photos, small tokens. I felt crushed at these tangible reminders of the lives that he lived before me. So I understand where you're coming from.
posted by kerning at 11:54 AM on October 25, 2012 [3 favorites]


The folder I found with the girls' name is not the only folder of a girl from his past. Oddly, this makes me feel a lot better because she is not being put on a pedestal above the others.
That's dead accurate, I reckon. I kinda make a point of mixing it up, to avoid accidentally reviving old flames.

masturbating to people that they currently know. I feel that masturbating to past sex buddies/ past sexual interests is a little different
Different, but safer. To me it feels way less risky to use images of past sex buddies than to sexualize my current local associates. (Not saying the latter route is wrong for everyone, just casting Mr. Issas's choices in a happier light.) If you knew he were jacking off to thoughts of his co-workers, or your friends, say, you might find yourself treating THEM as your sexual rivals. Much better to do this with women who at this point are basically imaginary characters for you.

By the way, congratulations to you both for being honest, considerate, and responsible in your choices -- and to you in particular, for converting your sexual insecurity into what Dan Savage would call delicious boner lemonade.
posted by feral_goldfish at 12:04 PM on October 25, 2012 [1 favorite]


I think you're being level-headed, too. It is a shock when you first realize these things (though I've been known to masturbate to many, many fantasies that don't involve any one guy I'm dating... )

If you want a range of reactions, I would find it inappropriate to keep photos of past hook-ups or flames. While I had a life and a sexual history before my boyfriend, once we became serious I had no interest in keeping those memories alive. I mention things about my exes to my boyfriend sometimes, it's not like I forget or hide them, but I don't really need my mind on that basically ever, and my boyfriend seems to agree. So, you're definitely not weird, I think.

And as for snooping, I understand-- I accidentally found porn links in an ex's browser history while looking for a website we'd just been looking at, so accidents do happen. I mean, he was looking over my shoulder when the links came up and visibly blanched, so I obviously wasn't snooping, he didn't even think they were there! But not going further was a good call.
posted by stoneandstar at 12:14 PM on October 25, 2012 [1 favorite]


You don't mention how soon you are getting married. I used to keep various things from boyfriends past but got rid of it all when I got married. As a former person commented, different things bother different people. When we were engaged and talking about marriage, we made sure everything was on the table. Out of respect for the relationship, I consider his feelings and the impact my actions would have. There is a consistent line of communication there. It sounds like you are starting to open that line of communication, I would encourage you to keep it open, continuing to build the trust.
posted by heatherly at 12:24 PM on October 25, 2012


"...we have great sex once or twice a day..."

Am guessing that's probably better than many, possibly most folk (otherwise, nothing would get done, economies would collapse, TV ratings would slump, no-one would vote etc.). Thing is, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. If this changes in some negative and non-temporary way, then maybe think about the reason or reasons why.

And congratulations on frequent fruity times. Now log off and carry on.
posted by Wordshore at 12:29 PM on October 25, 2012 [2 favorites]


So, I'm a woman. I regularly masturbate to the memories of guys I have dated or crushed on, though not to their photos. I think it's pretty normal to remember that one time you had Amazing Crazy Sex with ____, and take it to the next level in fantasy land.

But as other posters have said, this is not about what's "normal," but about how you feel about it. You're in a relationship, and the boundaries of that relationship are ones you establish with your partner as things progress. If you're super uncomfortable with your BF's spank bank, you are absolutely free to ask him to delete some of the more salacious pics of Real Women. Or even all the pics.

The thing you have to remember, though, is that nearly everyone has some sort of spank bank, even if it's not in photo format. Some people watch porn. Some people look at photos. Some folks just use their imaginations. It's not cheating -- in my personal opinion -- unless it's been specifically marked off-limits. I know people who consider watching porn to be a form of cheating, and I know other people who watch porn together. So think about how you feel, and set boundaries based on those feelings.

Now, if I were a woman who had sent sexy photos to a guy like ten years ago and then I discovered he was still wanking to them ... well. I'd prefer not to learn about it, is all, and so long as your BF does not share those photos with anyone, I don't think he's in Creepshots territory.

As others have said, you're being really reasonable about your discovery. You're not freaking out or calling your partner a cheater or throwing all his possessions out of a window. You're just absorbing the information and trying to figure out how you feel about it. If it turns out you feel really icky, to the point of not wanting to be in a relationship with him if he continues to masturbate to other ladies, that is your prerogative.

Remember, though, that masturbation habits accumulate over a lifetime and can be difficult to change. Your boyfriend has been doing this sort of thing for years, it sounds like. He may push back on boundary-setting, he may flat-out refuse to make any changes, or he may make changes and then find his fantasy life is less fun and feel resentful. None of these outcomes would be your fault, but you should be prepared for them, and be willing to continue to discuss the issue.

Also, congrats on your incredible sex life. Twice a day is marvelous. As in, I marvel over the very idea.
posted by KinkySockPuppet at 1:26 PM on October 25, 2012 [1 favorite]


I imagine I would be upset in your shoes. But I think I would be less upset than if he had files full of "normal" porn. My firsthand experience has been that men who want/need an emotional connection to their object of desire are nicer men than those for whom any great set of knockers will do. They treat them less like objects, more like people.

Grey zone or not, this would suggest to me he would rather have a real person with thoughts and feelings and personality than a Thing that happens to look good and, thus, he will probably treat me okay. I am sure I would have my freak out and need assurances and all, but this would bother me less than finding evidence that he only gets off on {my breast size or similar detail} and it matters little to whom it is attached.
posted by Michele in California at 2:23 PM on October 25, 2012 [1 favorite]


Not uncommon at all as far as I know, but that doesn't mean you have to be OK with it (since there is nothing you "have" to be OK with, after all). May be limiting in the future, but thats up to you.

When I had this come up, I was OK with putting the photos away somewhere, but not deleting. To me they are memories of a relationship, like cards or love letters or sexy emails. Some people are also uncomfortable with those who keep old letters or other mementos of exes, again to each their own but I think its a better sign of a person if they have good memories and want to remember their relationships fondly, the other option usually is someone who has bad relationships.

Also, everyone talking about how keeping them is somehow bad to the women in question is making a lot of assumptions. Not every woman (or man, since people do take such photos of us too) feels that way, and you have no idea how these women would feel about it, or whether they know or not.

(One of my exes was actually upset I _didn't_ want to keep a particular nude photo of her, but I've admittedly dated some unconventional women)
posted by wildcrdj at 3:15 PM on October 25, 2012 [1 favorite]


Just to go against the flow, I don't ever masturbate thinking of past partners. That would feel really really weird. And I would be pretty discomfited by my partner having photos of women that may or may not have been designed and disseminated for that purpose. It just feels creepy and crosses a line in my head - like if I found out my ex downloaded a pic of me from facebook and masturbated to it. Just unsavoury.

But, the thing is, the stuff that goes on in your head is the stuff that goes on in your head. It's your actions that count. I am perfectly and completely okay with someone making the decision that porn (or whatever) is unwelcome in their house because that's a concrete action that is about their household and what they are willing to support, and in my case would be about the industry of porn. But controlling a partner's body? Nope. So they can masturbate as much as they want, to whatever is in their head, but specifically keeping pictures of exes in order to masturbate to? I would be uncomfortable with that.
posted by geek anachronism at 7:26 PM on October 25, 2012


> He explained that the pictures are just a means to an end, that masturbating is a distant second to having sex with me, and that he does not talk to or have any emotional connection with any of these girls.

He explains that he fooled around the exact right amount - he doesn't have any regret, and he's glad he didn't do it more. He says this is just what he uses to get off.

It seems that my SO just has certain masturbatory habits/ people he masturbates to that are part of his routine.


Totally normal. Well, no, it's not...it's much healthier than "normal." But yes, having routine masturbatory habits that don't signify anything else aside from a means to an end, that's normal. He sounds self-aware and reasonable and like he respected your concerns. Were I you, I'd be totally comfortable trusting him to do his thing in peace.
posted by desuetude at 9:47 PM on October 25, 2012 [1 favorite]


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