Please help me to see if I'm overreacting or not...
October 24, 2012 2:00 PM Subscribe
My boyfriend and I met with a female friend of his last night, and he started behaving very uncharacteristically distant with me while we were with her. Am I making a mountain out of a molehill or was something more going on?
posted by chatelaine to Human Relations (25 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
I'm a 34-year old female. My boyfriend (Mr.B., 35 yrs old) is going through the final stages of divorce. We have been together for about 6 months now. He is a great guy and a wonderful friend. He is very attentive to my needs and feelings, and is overall a kind, gentle soul whom I have found to be compassionate and considerate. My family and friends all like him a lot. His family also loves me and can't wait for the day when they can call me family of their own. He has been completely transparent about the details of his divorce every step of the way, and we talk about the plans we have for out future together.
Mr. B. and I met up for dinner with his female friend (Miss V) last night. He met Miss V through his Ex-wife. His Ex always forbade him from seeing Miss V; I don't know why, but his Ex is a pretty insecure person, so I can only imagine. (And might I add, his Ex never forbade him from hanging out with me when they were still married.) Once Mr. B. and his Ex split, he reached out to Miss V, and they resumed their friendship. They both work in the same city, about a half an hour from where we all live, and they started meeting up together one-on-one for lunch once in a while. Mr. B. is usually very transparent about telling me everything that's going on in his life, and while he has told me about meeting up with Miss V, I tend to hear about it after the fact. I'm not an insecure person, so I just let it go, because Mr. B. is a nice person with lots of friends, both male and female, who want to hang out with him. Typically, Mr. B. includes me in these meetups. I understand that it's harder for us to meet up for lunch with anyone when he's in the city he works in, just because of the distance/time issue, so I haven't worried about it a bit. I also trust Mr. B.
Miss V and Mr. B.'s Ex have gone their separate ways as recently as a couple of weeks ago, which Miss V told us last night. Apparently Miss V told the Ex something she didn't want to hear, so now the Ex wants nothing to do with Miss V. The Ex has done the same thing with other mutual friends that she and Mr. B. had, and now they are his friends and not hers.
I guess I started feeling a bit weird last night when we had dinner with Miss V. For the first time since I've been with Mr. B., I felt something like the 3rd wheel. He was aloof and distant with me the entire time we were with her. For the first time, he referred to himself as "technically still married". Although this was in the context of describing his frustrations with the long and frustrating divorce process, it still took me a bit by surprise, as he hasn't described himself this way to anyone else we've met up with. He's always very touchy-feely, even when we meet with other friends of his, but he wasn't at all touchy-feely with me when Miss V was around. Naturally, my gut started wondering if there was a real reason why his Ex didn't want him to meet up with this woman. I hate that I was even thinking it. It was also so strange to see him behaving so differently.
I want to be clear- he was not "into" her outwardly. He was not flirtatious in any way whatsoever. But he was not his usual self with me while she was around, and that's a red flag to me. Or at least my gut says so.
I don't want to bring this up with him yet because I don't see any good coming of that.
Please help me understand why he was so aloof with me when we met with Miss V. Why did he behave so differently around her? Should I even worry about this? Should I talk to him about it? If so, what should I say (without looking like an insecure brat)?
As someone with some abandonment issues, it is entirely possible that I'm reading WAY too much into this, but I'd appreciate your perspective just the same. It's bothering me enough that I'm making a post about it.