Whose etchings are we going over to look at?

October 23, 2012 8:11 PM

Your place or mine? My place or his?

I'm single in an age bracket where few people (including me) have roommates any more, or are even necessarily living in a situation with close neighbors (i.e. a crowded apartment building or other rental unit). Is there a norm/safety gold standard for women on whether to bring a relatively new person you're dating over to your place, or to go to his instead? Which do you prefer, and what's your reasoning behind it?

posted by availablelight to human relations (14 answers total)

I tend to prefer going to the other person's place, regardless of gender. For no particular reason, though I do have a long history of having roommates and living in places that lack privacy or otherwise aren't great places to bring someone home to.

I've also been known to choose a date venue based on where it is in relation to our apartments and how ready I am to have sex. If tonight's the night, I'm going to pick your neighborhood pub. If I don't know how I feel about you, we'll meet in Union Square so we can take our separate trains home, alone.
posted by Sara C. at 8:16 PM on October 23, 2012 [1 favorite]

If a woman has a preference I'll follow that. Otherwise constraints, random choice, or whoever has a nicer place.
posted by ead at 8:20 PM on October 23, 2012 [2 favorites]

I'm not dating anymore, but when I did I preferred his place so I could have more control over the end of the encounter (leaving is easier than saying GTFO). Also I'm hyper paranoid and wouldn't go to his place alone on an early date.
posted by murfed13 at 8:33 PM on October 23, 2012 [3 favorites]

I always preferred his place so I could make inferences from his books, decor, cleanliness, etc. and, like murfed13, so I could leave when I chose.
posted by carmicha at 8:52 PM on October 23, 2012 [1 favorite]

His place -- less socially awkward to leave than to ask him to leave, if it should come to that, and also, he won't know where I live yet.
posted by emumimic at 8:56 PM on October 23, 2012 [2 favorites]

It's much easier to leave than kick someone out. That having been said, I was once kicked out of a guy's place, immediately post-sex. Walking home drunk after midnight was not fun, but I will probably continue to passive-aggressively hint about having to get up early in the hopes that a guy will excuse himself from my bed until I find someone I want with whom I'd like to eat brunch.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 9:38 PM on October 23, 2012

The answers above make it pretty clear that it's a silly game theory problem -- it's always better to go to the other person's place because that's less of an investment (from a social norm standpoint, not a woman's safety standpoint).
posted by no regrets, coyote at 11:43 PM on October 23, 2012 [1 favorite]

Lone voice here probably - I feel more in control on my home turf.
posted by sianifach at 12:32 AM on October 24, 2012 [3 favorites]

Ladies choice in my world. It's always easier to run from a sketchy encounter than it is to kick a sketchy date out (and subsequently have them know where you live).

In the same sex encounters I've always let my partner pick because I'm relatively tall for a lady and have a habit of dating wee waiflike girleens, so I figure I'm more of a physical threat to them than they are to me and defer to their preferences. Often wound up at my place because I have a kickass coffee machine and better access to taxis and public transport n shit.

In more established relationships it comes down to whose place is better suited for the shenanigans involved. Who is closer, who has to work the following day, who has better heating in winter and better cooling in summer, who has fewer crazy neighbours, that sort of thing. The older a relationship is, the more flexible and organic they tend to be.
posted by Jilder at 12:57 AM on October 24, 2012

I'm going to buck the trend of women who say they prefer his place; I tend to feel safer in my place because if things go REALLY bad I know where any dangerous objects are and where to look for something to defend myself. If I had to leave his place if things got that dangerous I'd rather not have to waste a few split seconds panicking over "ohmigod shit where's the door".

In other words - it's a matter of personal preference rather than there being established etiquette. People can decide based on safety, lack of roommates, or "oh shit I have five days' worth of dirty dishes in the sink we'd better go to your place".
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:14 AM on October 24, 2012 [1 favorite]

[Folks, don't turn this into a rape/psycho prevention lecture.]
posted by jessamyn at 8:21 AM on October 24, 2012

I had often preferred "his place" because I was curious - here's this guy I'm getting to know, but we've only talked about random conversation stuff. Seeing his apartment is a real insight into what's important to him, (the sliding frugality scale between practical and impressive) what interests he has that he might not have mentioned yet (maybe I *want* to see his etchings...), and whether he's wearing the only clean shirt he owns (and is probably not worth the trouble of dating, though I often found the holy-crap-I-wasn't-ready-for-this emergency apartment cleanup kind of charming).
Of course, if I was in wooing mode and had cleaned my apartment, and had some etchings to show him, then clearly I'd invite him over.

But no, I don't think there's a safety gold standard or a big societal norm one way or the other - situational and individual preference.
posted by aimedwander at 8:26 AM on October 24, 2012 [1 favorite]

His place, because the default state of my apartment is cluttered hellhole.
posted by dekathelon at 10:12 AM on October 24, 2012 [2 favorites]

Feels like this could go places - my place
Feels like I may need to get mine (wink, wink) and then escape - his place
posted by xicana63 at 11:19 AM on October 24, 2012 [1 favorite]