MtF but not all that femme. So now what?
October 22, 2012 5:10 PM Subscribe
I'm a tomboyish, low-maintenance, fashion-averse woman "stuck in a man's body" as the godawful cliché goes. I'd love to transition, but how the sweet tap-dancing monkey fuck do I make this work?
In a just world, I'd be a queer woman in her early 30s. I might dress a little femme of center, but I'd still have been a tomboy growing up, and probably wouldn't care much about fashion, and nine times out of ten I'd just throw on a skirt and top and some practical shoes and not think too hard about it. I'd have an academic career; I'd speak up for feminist causes, and be at least casually interested in left-wing gender politics and feminist theory; I'd enjoy cooking and dancing, not because those are super-girly things to like, but really just because they're fun and interesting.
In this world, I'm a queer man in his early 30s. (Six foot one! With hair everywhere! And no ass at all, and shoulders out to here! And I don't even mind all that much, except for I can't exactly throw on a skirt and a little makeup and go to the library, you know?) I would have been a tomboy growing up, except with bits like mine, climbing trees and riding bikes just makes you a boy. I've never even bothered to give a shit about fashion, because (a) I find it boring in this world too; (b) I'm not really all that femme in this world either; (c) even if I loved fashion and was femme as all fuck, I'd still be stuck wearing boy clothes, so why bother, right? But I do have the academic career, and the casual interest in liberal politics and feminist theory, and the cooking and the dancing and all that.
I'm starting to realize, after having spent far too time trying to avoid the issue, that I really would be happier if I could transition. But there's two things making this even more terrifying than it would otherwise be.
In a just world, I'd be a queer woman in her early 30s. I might dress a little femme of center, but I'd still have been a tomboy growing up, and probably wouldn't care much about fashion, and nine times out of ten I'd just throw on a skirt and top and some practical shoes and not think too hard about it. I'd have an academic career; I'd speak up for feminist causes, and be at least casually interested in left-wing gender politics and feminist theory; I'd enjoy cooking and dancing, not because those are super-girly things to like, but really just because they're fun and interesting.
In this world, I'm a queer man in his early 30s. (Six foot one! With hair everywhere! And no ass at all, and shoulders out to here! And I don't even mind all that much, except for I can't exactly throw on a skirt and a little makeup and go to the library, you know?) I would have been a tomboy growing up, except with bits like mine, climbing trees and riding bikes just makes you a boy. I've never even bothered to give a shit about fashion, because (a) I find it boring in this world too; (b) I'm not really all that femme in this world either; (c) even if I loved fashion and was femme as all fuck, I'd still be stuck wearing boy clothes, so why bother, right? But I do have the academic career, and the casual interest in liberal politics and feminist theory, and the cooking and the dancing and all that.
I'm starting to realize, after having spent far too time trying to avoid the issue, that I really would be happier if I could transition. But there's two things making this even more terrifying than it would otherwise be.
- I would really like to pass. (Okay, to be honest, I'm terrified of not passing. I'm working on it.) But if I can't pass, if I can't ever be mistaken for a cis woman, I at least want it to be obvious that I'm a trans woman rather than (a) an unusually tall pre-op trans man (b) a dude who bought his jeans in the ladies' section by mistake (c) a deranged David Bowie fan (d) a bad joke (e) all of the above. I don't need anyone to think I'm hot, or even pretty. (I wouldn't mind being pretty; but let's be realistic, right?) But I at least want to make it clear at a glance that "she" is the right pronoun thanks, and that no you didn't mishear my name really is Leah and not Leon. Oh, and it would be awesome if I could someday use women's restrooms without getting beaten up or arrested. I get the sense that most women who transition late in life make their gender clear by doing the old-fashioned high-femme thing: fancy dresses, heels, heaps of makeup, heaps of jewelry. And more power to the women who that works for — but for me, that would honestly feel just as fakey and dishonest and disorienting as living as a man currently feels. So then on the other hand, there are some younger trans or genderqueer folk who are just like "I'm going out in a prom dress with a biker jacket and a gloriously waxed handlebar mustache and my preferred pronoun is 'fuck you' and I don't give a rat's ass if anyone's confused." Which again is awesome and I admire the shit out of the men and women who live that way but.... I just can't. Sorry. So, I mean, what does that leave? Is there any possible way that I can dress like the vaguely artsy vaguely tomboy-ish hipster chick I am and still make it clear that I am actually still [presenting myself as] female thank you very much? Or is that a lost cause? And if it's possible then how on earth can I pull it off? (And, like, where do I shop? And what blogs should I be reading for inspiration? Because I am seriously so terrible at this caring-about-clothing business.)
- I could use a supportive community, and some well-informed fashion and hormone advice, and maybe even some role models if that's not too much to hope for. But what I've seen of the online MtF community... well, honestly, I find it really upsetting. There is so much pink, like everyone thinks it's mandatory or something. There is so much gender essentialism. There is so much scorn for women who don't fit the pretty-pretty-princess model of femininity, or get too politically outspoken. And, I mean, I am totally down with women who want to wear pink dresses and high heels, that is a wonderful way to be if that's what they want, but... it's not really what I want, and I'd prefer it if I didn't have to go around pretending to want it just to get some decent advice on how to buy a bra or shave my legs or any of that other shit that I should have learned from my big sister when I was 13. And that's just the online community. I would love to find a face-to-face community where I could try out this whole going-out-en-femme thing and see how it feels, and make whatever heinous fashion mistakes I'm gonna make in a supportive and nonthreatening environment, and etcetera. But I've got this nightmare where I show up in flats and what I consider a reasonable amount of makeup and get told to go home because I'm making the real women look bad. So: is there anywhere on the internet (or in Austin TX) where I can go meet some queer or queer-friendly trans women who won't laugh at me for showing up looking like a library science student, or think I'm a sellout for not being some sort of punk-rock gender anarchist?
I'm a ciswoman, but in a trans-friendly city (Seattle). What I've noticed makes transwomen passable: boobs, the way they move, and the way they talk. Boobs only work if you're skinny enough that they don't look like fatty man-tissue. And moving and talking is just practice, but people who grew up with heels and being told to be "ladylike" move and talk differently--even if they're tomboys.
Height and hairyness is not an issue. You should shave. Women shave (or wax or get laser hair removal) all the time.
Again, if you're in a place like Seattle, the local BDSM club has regular "clothing exchange parties" that are much more about exploring gender expressions than anything else. I haven't been to one (I'm one of those happily pink and princessy type gals), but my genderqueer friends really, really like them. (The transgendered ones seem to know their style and don't care about exploring as much, it seems.)
posted by ethidda at 5:43 PM on October 22, 2012 [1 favorite]
Height and hairyness is not an issue. You should shave. Women shave (or wax or get laser hair removal) all the time.
Again, if you're in a place like Seattle, the local BDSM club has regular "clothing exchange parties" that are much more about exploring gender expressions than anything else. I haven't been to one (I'm one of those happily pink and princessy type gals), but my genderqueer friends really, really like them. (The transgendered ones seem to know their style and don't care about exploring as much, it seems.)
posted by ethidda at 5:43 PM on October 22, 2012 [1 favorite]
This trans-guy mentions that one of the nice things about a successful transition is being able to be femme-y without being taken as a girl, so yeah, it's possible...
posted by valeries at 5:46 PM on October 22, 2012
posted by valeries at 5:46 PM on October 22, 2012
I follow some trans peeps online and I honestly haven't seen what you have, though maybe we're looking in different corners. They might qualify as punk-rock gender anarchists, but freshly charles, FtM, who vlogs really intelligently about his experiences and his gender expression, and Zoey (so not safe for work), a MtF hard femme might make you feel a little less alone in this world as they are very, very, very much not about gender essentialism. Yes, they're young. But I suspect they'd tell you that becoming yourself is a process and it's never too late, you know? Seriously, watch freshly charles from the beginning. He was once pretty much where you are now.
I think the first step might be to seek out a trans-friendly therapist to talk to about these issues. I have so much love for you right now! Posting this question and beginning this process is very brave, k? Be good to yourself.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 5:47 PM on October 22, 2012 [3 favorites]
I think the first step might be to seek out a trans-friendly therapist to talk to about these issues. I have so much love for you right now! Posting this question and beginning this process is very brave, k? Be good to yourself.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 5:47 PM on October 22, 2012 [3 favorites]
We're sisters from another mother. As a queer hetero girl tomboy (no those do not cancel each other out, thank you) who doesn't care about fashion...hmm.
How to pull off looking like a woman, in ten easy steps:
1. Confidence. Shoulders back (pretend you are holding something between your shoulders blades), head up. Look people in the eye when you walk pass them. Girls will actually not look people in the eye because of fears of harassment, so it is fifty-fifty.
2. Long hair. I assume (from the back especially) that someone with long hair is a girl. You don't even have to straighten it or blow dry it if you don't want to; a good hair cut for your hair type and face shape will do that work for you.
3. Boobs. Chicken cutlets? This is the first thing I check for if I can't tell if a person is a woman or a man. Heteronormative but true. You don't have to wear fake boobs under a sweatshirt, etc.
4. In terms of clothing, if you just start shopping in the woman's department you will notice one thing when you try on the tops: cleavage. A lot more than a comparable man's shirt. It's like we are permanently more naked than dudes. With the boobs, I bet this would work in your favor. Again I am not fashion friendly at all, but I bet there are stores or clothing lines out there that cater to 'tall women with broad shoulders' that mimic the look you are going for. Um and don't wear T-Shirts, which are basically made to fit men anyway. A tailor might be really helpful in this department.
5. Shaving. Underarms, but legs especially. I HATE shaving but I still do it because it makes a difference--people expect boy's legs to be hairy, girl's legs to be shaved. They notice when you don't meet these expectations. Addendum--if your arms are really hairy, you might consider shaving those too; some girls do and some girls don't. And obviously face. Second addendum--eyebrow shaping makes a huge difference in how your face looks. Something to consider.
6. If you are going to walk in heels--even small heels--practice this. You walk differently. That reminds me--sitting. Women sit with their legs much more closed than men do.
7. I should probably say something about makeup but concealer, lipstick, eyeliner and mascara are the only necessities (and eyeliner...not really).
Yeah that isn't ten steps and there are probably a million other little tells that I can't think of, but I hope this helps a bit. (ethidda is right about women talking differently, too, but that is mostly bad because usually it's hedge talking 'maybe we should do this' or other things that indicate the other conversant is superior. Ugh.). Again, in terms of clothing, you really just have to start shopping for women's clothing, because the fashions are totally different based on gender.
Ignore anyone who says you can't do what you want, because living any other way probably sucks. And you're never too old.
posted by tooloudinhere at 5:54 PM on October 22, 2012 [5 favorites]
How to pull off looking like a woman, in ten easy steps:
1. Confidence. Shoulders back (pretend you are holding something between your shoulders blades), head up. Look people in the eye when you walk pass them. Girls will actually not look people in the eye because of fears of harassment, so it is fifty-fifty.
2. Long hair. I assume (from the back especially) that someone with long hair is a girl. You don't even have to straighten it or blow dry it if you don't want to; a good hair cut for your hair type and face shape will do that work for you.
3. Boobs. Chicken cutlets? This is the first thing I check for if I can't tell if a person is a woman or a man. Heteronormative but true. You don't have to wear fake boobs under a sweatshirt, etc.
4. In terms of clothing, if you just start shopping in the woman's department you will notice one thing when you try on the tops: cleavage. A lot more than a comparable man's shirt. It's like we are permanently more naked than dudes. With the boobs, I bet this would work in your favor. Again I am not fashion friendly at all, but I bet there are stores or clothing lines out there that cater to 'tall women with broad shoulders' that mimic the look you are going for. Um and don't wear T-Shirts, which are basically made to fit men anyway. A tailor might be really helpful in this department.
5. Shaving. Underarms, but legs especially. I HATE shaving but I still do it because it makes a difference--people expect boy's legs to be hairy, girl's legs to be shaved. They notice when you don't meet these expectations. Addendum--if your arms are really hairy, you might consider shaving those too; some girls do and some girls don't. And obviously face. Second addendum--eyebrow shaping makes a huge difference in how your face looks. Something to consider.
6. If you are going to walk in heels--even small heels--practice this. You walk differently. That reminds me--sitting. Women sit with their legs much more closed than men do.
7. I should probably say something about makeup but concealer, lipstick, eyeliner and mascara are the only necessities (and eyeliner...not really).
Yeah that isn't ten steps and there are probably a million other little tells that I can't think of, but I hope this helps a bit. (ethidda is right about women talking differently, too, but that is mostly bad because usually it's hedge talking 'maybe we should do this' or other things that indicate the other conversant is superior. Ugh.). Again, in terms of clothing, you really just have to start shopping for women's clothing, because the fashions are totally different based on gender.
Ignore anyone who says you can't do what you want, because living any other way probably sucks. And you're never too old.
posted by tooloudinhere at 5:54 PM on October 22, 2012 [5 favorites]
You're in Austin? I've got a great (cis-female) friend there who I think could be a great resource for you, for all those things your older sis should have taught you. (As a rather butchy strait cis gal myself, I was counting on her to teach this stuff to my daughters, til fate brought us to different cities.) Memail me if you like and I will connect you!
posted by Sublimity at 5:59 PM on October 22, 2012
posted by Sublimity at 5:59 PM on October 22, 2012
You might find this hard to believe but the Trans Megathread on SomethingAwful is actually an amazing resource. Nobody's a gender essentialist, and trolling and assholery aren't tolerated. People are frank and honest about their struggles and they come at it from every angle you can think of. It's really helped me understand my trans friends better.
As for worrying about your looks. I have a MtF friend who, if I'm honest... when she came out and began her transition many of her friends, including me, wondered how on earth she was ever gonna be able to pass. You have never seen a more chiseled jawline. She didn't just look like a man, she looked like a VIRILE AND MANLY man.
Today, less than two years later, she looks like a woman. A woman with somewhat unusual features, but they're actually rather striking on her. (Hell, Angelina Jolie has a strong jawline too!) In the most recent photos I've seen, I swear that no one would be able to say that she was trans. The long hair and the women's clothing helps, but so much of it is just the hormones. Hormones are magical things- they change the fat distribution of your entire body. I think you'd be pleasantly surprised at the results.
posted by showbiz_liz at 6:06 PM on October 22, 2012 [3 favorites]
As for worrying about your looks. I have a MtF friend who, if I'm honest... when she came out and began her transition many of her friends, including me, wondered how on earth she was ever gonna be able to pass. You have never seen a more chiseled jawline. She didn't just look like a man, she looked like a VIRILE AND MANLY man.
Today, less than two years later, she looks like a woman. A woman with somewhat unusual features, but they're actually rather striking on her. (Hell, Angelina Jolie has a strong jawline too!) In the most recent photos I've seen, I swear that no one would be able to say that she was trans. The long hair and the women's clothing helps, but so much of it is just the hormones. Hormones are magical things- they change the fat distribution of your entire body. I think you'd be pleasantly surprised at the results.
posted by showbiz_liz at 6:06 PM on October 22, 2012 [3 favorites]
If you are going to walk in heels--even small heels--practice this. You walk differently. That reminds me--sitting. Women sit with their legs much more closed than men do.
This is a really good point. Women tend to take up public space very differently than men do, keeping to relatively narrow margins in walking down the street, sitting on public transportation, etc. This is not necessarily about being timid, but about being socially/culturally conditioned to be contained in our bodies in a way that men are generally (though of course not universally) privileged to not have to worry about. If it's not something you've spent time consciously observing before, it might be a useful place to start.
I wish you all the best!
posted by scody at 6:09 PM on October 22, 2012 [5 favorites]
This is a really good point. Women tend to take up public space very differently than men do, keeping to relatively narrow margins in walking down the street, sitting on public transportation, etc. This is not necessarily about being timid, but about being socially/culturally conditioned to be contained in our bodies in a way that men are generally (though of course not universally) privileged to not have to worry about. If it's not something you've spent time consciously observing before, it might be a useful place to start.
I wish you all the best!
posted by scody at 6:09 PM on October 22, 2012 [5 favorites]
You know, this might be out of left field, but I'd suggest thrifting at Treasure City Thrift on East 7th near/just past Comal and if folks behind the counter are friendly (and they almost always are if they're not super busy), tell them what you're up to and ask if anything they think would really suit you came in lately, or if they knew about good queer/trans resources in the area. This is 100% a place where you will not get queerbashed, and though maybe the person might respond with "uh, I dunno, go look at the shelves yourself," they could also have a handful of suggestions that would jumpstart a broader conversation. Yes, they do tilt punkrock gender-anarchist, but a lot of the folks who volunteer there know about a ton more resources outside that community.
posted by tapir-whorf at 6:10 PM on October 22, 2012
posted by tapir-whorf at 6:10 PM on October 22, 2012
I don't know how much you've poked around the Tumblr world, but I stumbled across http://mtfbutches.tumblr.com/ and there are a lot of neat looks that might give you some ideas (or at least some reassurance that you're not alone).
posted by rivenwanderer at 6:47 PM on October 22, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by rivenwanderer at 6:47 PM on October 22, 2012 [2 favorites]
I've tended towards tomboyish for a good chunk of my life. I learned to wear dresses and skirts when my daughter was going through a phase of declaring her gender strongly every day through her clothes. (For a solid year, she refused to even wear pants underneath her dresses, despite knowing that I wore pants all the time.) I think the overly pink transgendered women might doing the same thing, and I think most people mellow out clothing-wise after they've enough chances to wear heels and pearls (though some people will always have pink as a favorite color). It's equally fine to start off with wearing girl jeans and baby-doll t-shirts (they're cut for curves) and ignore fashion.
One of the things I've found most helpful as I've become more feminine is to have friends advice and most of all, shopping with me. If there are women who dress the way you would like to, or wear just a little make-up, the way you might like to be able to do if you chose. When I decided I wanted to wear just a little non-obvious make-up daily, I asked my step-mom to help. She brought over her own make-up, as well as all the extra make-up that didn't work for her, and we experimented until we found the right mix, amount, and colors. Then we went and bought it together. It would have been so overwhelming by myself. So I don't know if you've got someone in your life that you can ask, but I think any woman you're friendly and comfortable with (who has some knowledge in these areas) would be happy to help.
Also, I think it's just fine to wear skirts and dresses and be feminist. It's about the choice and looking the way you would like to, whether or not anyone else likes it.
Good luck getting yourself to feel right.
posted by Margalo Epps at 6:59 PM on October 22, 2012
One of the things I've found most helpful as I've become more feminine is to have friends advice and most of all, shopping with me. If there are women who dress the way you would like to, or wear just a little make-up, the way you might like to be able to do if you chose. When I decided I wanted to wear just a little non-obvious make-up daily, I asked my step-mom to help. She brought over her own make-up, as well as all the extra make-up that didn't work for her, and we experimented until we found the right mix, amount, and colors. Then we went and bought it together. It would have been so overwhelming by myself. So I don't know if you've got someone in your life that you can ask, but I think any woman you're friendly and comfortable with (who has some knowledge in these areas) would be happy to help.
Also, I think it's just fine to wear skirts and dresses and be feminist. It's about the choice and looking the way you would like to, whether or not anyone else likes it.
Good luck getting yourself to feel right.
posted by Margalo Epps at 6:59 PM on October 22, 2012
You've gotten so much good advice already. Breasts are the great signifier, like it or not, in terms of determining sex. Long hair and femme-y glasses (even if your eyes are perfect, you can get fakes) might help; hair actually doesn't have to be long if you get careful, good, intentional looking cuts that swing below the ear. Even us butch-y tomboy straight ladies use a little bit of makeup from now and then, which will polish and soften your face (and hide any stubble before you can get lasered). The minimalist gold standard is tinted moisturizer, lip gloss, mascara, and maybe a little cheek stain. This is how I "look good without makeup." (DON'T forget the eyelash curler for the mascara.) To try on in person, I think if I were in your shoes, I'd feel safest about trying a MAC counter or outlet, in terms of being treated with the same enthusiasm as any other customer. Call ahead to doublecheck. (If I were in your area, I'd go with you. Makeup can be fun even for us tomboys. You may find that you really love dresses/heels/tall buttery boots from time to time--it's just another kind of gender performance which can be enjoyable. Plus, I can wear 3" heels and still feel like one of the most powerful people in the room, who also has a full set of power tools at home--there's no binary there. 3rd wave feminism is making your own damn choice, from day to day, on how you like to present.)
posted by availablelight at 7:23 PM on October 22, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by availablelight at 7:23 PM on October 22, 2012 [3 favorites]
When you're looking at fashion blogs, hit up the old school girly kind and check out threads about 'correcting negative features' and other terms like that. It primarily concentrates on minimising masculine appearing bodily features (as they are 'undesireable' on a female figure). So there are ways of dressing to minimise shoulder breadth, flat arse-ness, narrow hipness, small breast-ness and so on and so forth. Also tips on hair removal, makeup, and all that. Just because it's not trans* oriented doesn't mean it's going to be inapplicable - a huge amount of performing femininity in Western culture is about masking masculine traits. Even if you aren't going full femme (as a woman) our clothing is designed to emphasise secondary sexual characteristics and mask the neutral/masculine.
And as far as tumblr and trans* issues goes, I've run into a HUGE amount of cringe-inducing gender essentialism (mostly anything to do with trans* children) but there is also a huge amount of genderqueer support stuff there.
posted by geek anachronism at 7:44 PM on October 22, 2012 [1 favorite]
And as far as tumblr and trans* issues goes, I've run into a HUGE amount of cringe-inducing gender essentialism (mostly anything to do with trans* children) but there is also a huge amount of genderqueer support stuff there.
posted by geek anachronism at 7:44 PM on October 22, 2012 [1 favorite]
Oh, and this might seem counter-intuitive (a femme/tomboy reading a book on makeup?!) but the late Kevyn Aucoin wrote some great books on applying and creating different looks with make-up, from a very basic "no make up" look to the type of super-dramatic make up you might see in a Vogue spread. One of the biggest mistakes of many a fledgling MtF is waaaaay overdone make-up and one of Aucoin's books could help you avoid that mistake. He even used male models to show how to apply convincingly feminine make-up to a very masculine face without ending up looking like a drag performer. Making Faces would be a great starter manual for learning about the basics of a creating a feminine appearance that "passes".
posted by echolalia67 at 7:45 PM on October 22, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by echolalia67 at 7:45 PM on October 22, 2012 [2 favorites]
Mid 30's trans woman here; I went full-time a little over a month ago.
I agree that a lot of the trans online stuff is overly full of sparky unicorns and a lot of the conversation can be dominated by MTF folks who are on the "high femme" side of the spectrum.
The sparkly stuff didn't resonate with me. There are some items in my closet which my wife calls remnants of my "unfortunate fashion choice/lesson phase". And yeah, a lot of those items are things I wouldn't be caught dead in post-transition. The reality is that the self-exploration with clothes and makeup, for ciswomen, is part and parcel with teenage awkwardness. And for trans women in their 30's or later, we don't necessarily have as much of a "pass" as a teenager.
If anyone tells you that you're not femme enough to be "really" trans, or to transition, or to start hormones? Yeah, fuck that shit. There's a not-insignificant amount of people, both in support groups and online, who take a "trans-ier than thou" attitude. Ignore them.
You're being pushed and pulled in a bunch of different directions, it seems. I always felt pressure that transition was something I could avoid or postpone. Before I transitioned, yeah -- I definitely felt pressure to be more masculine. And I think some of the support-group and online "chatter" exerts pressure in the other direction. There's transition cheerleading, too, and that can also be harmful.
Passing is an interesting and complex equation. I feel it's easier for me to pass as female with femme-ier things (like skirts and jewelry, long hair), even though sometimes now it's a big bother. But with respect to many of my trans sisters, I think that those who do the "fancy dresses, heels, heaps of makeup, heaps of jewelry" thing all the time aren't doing themselves any favors with passing. They aren't blending in, even though that might be their goal.
At the end of the day, though, it's all about what works for you. Don't let yourself be defined by what anyone says you should be or you should look like.
But at the same time, don't expect that this is all something that can or will happen overnight, either. It all takes time and practice, and experimenting. And some of those experiments go horribly, horribly wrong. Some of us have the better judgment not to put those horrible experiments on our Flickr streams; others of us came to that realization a bit later on in the game.
I've mentioned this before, but I personally have found a great group over at the My Husband Betty forums. Some of us there talk about femme-y stuff, but you're definitely not going to be overwhelmed by the sparkly stuff.
Feel free to ping me if you'd like more specifics. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to check and make sure my Flickr stream really is purged of all of that older stuff...
posted by TranSubstantial at 7:49 PM on October 22, 2012 [2 favorites]
I agree that a lot of the trans online stuff is overly full of sparky unicorns and a lot of the conversation can be dominated by MTF folks who are on the "high femme" side of the spectrum.
The sparkly stuff didn't resonate with me. There are some items in my closet which my wife calls remnants of my "unfortunate fashion choice/lesson phase". And yeah, a lot of those items are things I wouldn't be caught dead in post-transition. The reality is that the self-exploration with clothes and makeup, for ciswomen, is part and parcel with teenage awkwardness. And for trans women in their 30's or later, we don't necessarily have as much of a "pass" as a teenager.
If anyone tells you that you're not femme enough to be "really" trans, or to transition, or to start hormones? Yeah, fuck that shit. There's a not-insignificant amount of people, both in support groups and online, who take a "trans-ier than thou" attitude. Ignore them.
You're being pushed and pulled in a bunch of different directions, it seems. I always felt pressure that transition was something I could avoid or postpone. Before I transitioned, yeah -- I definitely felt pressure to be more masculine. And I think some of the support-group and online "chatter" exerts pressure in the other direction. There's transition cheerleading, too, and that can also be harmful.
Passing is an interesting and complex equation. I feel it's easier for me to pass as female with femme-ier things (like skirts and jewelry, long hair), even though sometimes now it's a big bother. But with respect to many of my trans sisters, I think that those who do the "fancy dresses, heels, heaps of makeup, heaps of jewelry" thing all the time aren't doing themselves any favors with passing. They aren't blending in, even though that might be their goal.
At the end of the day, though, it's all about what works for you. Don't let yourself be defined by what anyone says you should be or you should look like.
But at the same time, don't expect that this is all something that can or will happen overnight, either. It all takes time and practice, and experimenting. And some of those experiments go horribly, horribly wrong. Some of us have the better judgment not to put those horrible experiments on our Flickr streams; others of us came to that realization a bit later on in the game.
I've mentioned this before, but I personally have found a great group over at the My Husband Betty forums. Some of us there talk about femme-y stuff, but you're definitely not going to be overwhelmed by the sparkly stuff.
Feel free to ping me if you'd like more specifics. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to check and make sure my Flickr stream really is purged of all of that older stuff...
posted by TranSubstantial at 7:49 PM on October 22, 2012 [2 favorites]
Oh, I want to give you a bunch of hugs.
I've had two friends from college transition MtF. The one I'm closest to is fairly tomboyish and queer. She dates chicks. She's a cowgirl, who prefers boots and a pair of jeans, though she rocks the deep red lipstick and long, curly hair. She got married in a princess dress, with a flask in her boot. She's tall with relatively broad shoulders, but the changes the estrogen made to her body work in her favor. Her facial features softened, and she grew some good-sized breasts. I can't even tell whether or not she passes for strangers; she definitely does for me. She's a very close friend. We actually took her to a MAC counter (as availablelight suggests) for a makeup lesson, and it was great!
Based on my limited experience, the hormones help, and if you have the right skin/hair combo for laser treatments, those are great, too. I think it's easier to pull off tomboyish queer lady if you have a few femme-y tells. The biggest (from my perspective), after breasts, is hair -- it helps to have it stylishly cut in a feminine fashion. I think that, if you decide to transition, maybe you'd benefit from figuring out what femme-y things you like, and doing those for a while until you feel comfortable in your new skin.
Finding a guide can help, too. Going on hormones is like going through puberty all over again. If you're at all up for it, do take up Sublimity's suggestion for contacting her friend. When my dear friend was transitioning, she could call up her female friends and ask them questions, everything from "Why am I crying all the time?" (hormooooones!) to "Do these jeans work?"
I wish you a good journey.
posted by linettasky at 7:53 PM on October 22, 2012
I've had two friends from college transition MtF. The one I'm closest to is fairly tomboyish and queer. She dates chicks. She's a cowgirl, who prefers boots and a pair of jeans, though she rocks the deep red lipstick and long, curly hair. She got married in a princess dress, with a flask in her boot. She's tall with relatively broad shoulders, but the changes the estrogen made to her body work in her favor. Her facial features softened, and she grew some good-sized breasts. I can't even tell whether or not she passes for strangers; she definitely does for me. She's a very close friend. We actually took her to a MAC counter (as availablelight suggests) for a makeup lesson, and it was great!
Based on my limited experience, the hormones help, and if you have the right skin/hair combo for laser treatments, those are great, too. I think it's easier to pull off tomboyish queer lady if you have a few femme-y tells. The biggest (from my perspective), after breasts, is hair -- it helps to have it stylishly cut in a feminine fashion. I think that, if you decide to transition, maybe you'd benefit from figuring out what femme-y things you like, and doing those for a while until you feel comfortable in your new skin.
Finding a guide can help, too. Going on hormones is like going through puberty all over again. If you're at all up for it, do take up Sublimity's suggestion for contacting her friend. When my dear friend was transitioning, she could call up her female friends and ask them questions, everything from "Why am I crying all the time?" (hormooooones!) to "Do these jeans work?"
I wish you a good journey.
posted by linettasky at 7:53 PM on October 22, 2012
Oh, and I think someone mentioned it in passing but I want to highlight it: whether you're a bio female or not, groomed eyebrows are so very key. They don't just signify gender but they can also utterly transform a face. Once I finally figured out what to do with mine, I might have well as had really good plastic surgery, in terms of my perceived attractiveness and femininity. DON'T do it yourself--pay as much as you need to to have it done right the first time, and then keep it up yourself.
posted by availablelight at 7:57 PM on October 22, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by availablelight at 7:57 PM on October 22, 2012 [3 favorites]
I am not going to be a tremendous amount of help (I am a butch lesbian who does not always successfully pass as female) but I will nth the boobs and haircut advice. Those are the things that most drastically affect the number of "sirs" I get.
Also, I have heard really good things about Violet Crown Counseling for transition-related therapy and advice. The requirements for transitioning are less rigid than they were, but I just had a close friend start to transition and having professional guidance seemed to be super useful.
posted by restless_nomad at 8:08 PM on October 22, 2012 [1 favorite]
Also, I have heard really good things about Violet Crown Counseling for transition-related therapy and advice. The requirements for transitioning are less rigid than they were, but I just had a close friend start to transition and having professional guidance seemed to be super useful.
posted by restless_nomad at 8:08 PM on October 22, 2012 [1 favorite]
Re breasts and hair removal: If you haven't seen it before, Mom, I need to be a girl has some good info on how they dealt with those issues.
For role models, I would recommend you look for famous women with strong features who were kind of late bloomers because they had trouble figuring out how to be beautiful with what they had. Anjelica Houston, who played Morticia Addams in the movies, and Barbara Streisand both come to mind. If you haven't seen it, "The mirror has two faces" shows Barbara transition from awkward to gorgeous for the movie in a way which is probably not too different from her real life transition.
A couple of things I wrote last year for a trans friend:
Comfortable in your clothes Basically, some book recommendations (I wanted to be a wardrobe consultant a million years ago -- this is the short list I recommend from a long list of books I read). Metamorphosis should help you generally dress better, regardless of the style you go for. It made a huge difference for me.
An Invisible Shield These are my thoughts on kind of "how to avoid getting beat up in the bathroom", I guess. Based on my experience as a former victim of sexual abuse who used to get constantly harrassed by men but somewhere along the way that changed.
I hope that helps. I have a lot of sympathy. I am a tall-ish woman who was pretty hairy when I was younger and generally had trouble making my peace with my femininity. I am very okay with it these days.
Best of luck.
posted by Michele in California at 8:11 PM on October 22, 2012 [1 favorite]
For role models, I would recommend you look for famous women with strong features who were kind of late bloomers because they had trouble figuring out how to be beautiful with what they had. Anjelica Houston, who played Morticia Addams in the movies, and Barbara Streisand both come to mind. If you haven't seen it, "The mirror has two faces" shows Barbara transition from awkward to gorgeous for the movie in a way which is probably not too different from her real life transition.
A couple of things I wrote last year for a trans friend:
Comfortable in your clothes Basically, some book recommendations (I wanted to be a wardrobe consultant a million years ago -- this is the short list I recommend from a long list of books I read). Metamorphosis should help you generally dress better, regardless of the style you go for. It made a huge difference for me.
An Invisible Shield These are my thoughts on kind of "how to avoid getting beat up in the bathroom", I guess. Based on my experience as a former victim of sexual abuse who used to get constantly harrassed by men but somewhere along the way that changed.
I hope that helps. I have a lot of sympathy. I am a tall-ish woman who was pretty hairy when I was younger and generally had trouble making my peace with my femininity. I am very okay with it these days.
Best of luck.
posted by Michele in California at 8:11 PM on October 22, 2012 [1 favorite]
I have a good friend in a very similar boat, except that she is short and slightly built. But yeah, she dresses much like her wife does, which is to say "early 21st century nerd," lots of shorts and sweatpants and t-shirts. Some of the things she's done to assist her presentation include wearing her hair long with a headband, wearing a (comfy!) bra All The Time, wearing colorful clothes and socks, and wearing a women's watch and a small pendant on a delicate chain. She did some voice coaching to help her talk in a more typically female way as well.
A series of headbands (even if your hair is short), a decent bra (even a sports bra), and a visit to Sock Dreams will really help you out. Not a lot of male-identified dudes out there wearing socks like these.
posted by KathrynT at 10:20 PM on October 22, 2012
A series of headbands (even if your hair is short), a decent bra (even a sports bra), and a visit to Sock Dreams will really help you out. Not a lot of male-identified dudes out there wearing socks like these.
posted by KathrynT at 10:20 PM on October 22, 2012
Hint on the boobs:
Look at other cis women who are close to your age and build (if not height). Where do their boobs sit?
I have a trans friend whose boob presentation changes every day, which is her prerogative. Some outfits work better with cutlets than others. However, I am consistently noticing how incredibly high her bustline is. The size seems fairly appropriate, but the fact that her bustline looks nothing like that of most women in their 50s (cis, trans or anything in between) is a dead giveaway.
posted by Madamina at 10:35 PM on October 22, 2012 [2 favorites]
Look at other cis women who are close to your age and build (if not height). Where do their boobs sit?
I have a trans friend whose boob presentation changes every day, which is her prerogative. Some outfits work better with cutlets than others. However, I am consistently noticing how incredibly high her bustline is. The size seems fairly appropriate, but the fact that her bustline looks nothing like that of most women in their 50s (cis, trans or anything in between) is a dead giveaway.
posted by Madamina at 10:35 PM on October 22, 2012 [2 favorites]
Another thing about breasts is making sure that they fit your frame. By that I mean that while a taller woman will look more in proportion with somewhat larger breasts, passing also means that the breast size should fit your overall build - thinner women with narrow hips and small butt will have smaller breasts than women who are more curvy. You can probably pull off a "C " cup size pretty convincingly but a "D +" cup might look wrong, given your body shape. Placement of your cutlets, as mentioned above is important. Natural breasts are somewhat tear shaped with the nipple line hitting a few inches above the elbow.
posted by echolalia67 at 12:57 AM on October 23, 2012
posted by echolalia67 at 12:57 AM on October 23, 2012
There are butch trans women. Maybe not a lot, but they exist, and at least some of them are correctly perceived by others as butch women, not men. I realize that's not your situation, but it does reinforce that not all trans women are femme or have to be to pass. Last year's Butch Voices conference had a panel on butch trans women. It's up on youtube here. The person who put it together, Tobi Hill-Meyer, might be a good resource. (It looks like her website is down but she's pretty googleable.)
Also, if you can (and haven't yet), maybe test the waters around people you're afraid will "think you're a sellout for not being some sort of punk-rock gender anarchist." They might not be like that/might not feel that just 'cause they enjoy going out in prom dresses and biker jackets, everyone else should as well.
posted by needs more cowbell at 12:43 PM on October 23, 2012
Also, if you can (and haven't yet), maybe test the waters around people you're afraid will "think you're a sellout for not being some sort of punk-rock gender anarchist." They might not be like that/might not feel that just 'cause they enjoy going out in prom dresses and biker jackets, everyone else should as well.
posted by needs more cowbell at 12:43 PM on October 23, 2012
I'm trans as well. I know what you mean about the pink, though I've seen plenty of counter-examples. I'm not butch by any means, but I pretty much live in jeans/cords/slacks and t-shirts/sweaters/blouses. I also wear comfortable and sensible shoes most of the time and don't do heels as a rule (though boots are awesome, heel or no heel). I don't get misgendered by strangers on the street at all, though it took a lot of time and experience for me to believe it--it was totally terrifying at the beginning. There's a lot to overcome in your head as part of the process of transitioning.
As another data point, I met a trans woman who was at least 6'1" with super broad shoulders that I wouldn't have ID'd as trans if I saw her on the street. She wasn't super-femme, but wasn't butch either. She just read clearly as female. She had facial feminization surgery shortly after, but it was 100% not needed (except in her mind).
posted by Pryde at 3:43 PM on October 23, 2012
As another data point, I met a trans woman who was at least 6'1" with super broad shoulders that I wouldn't have ID'd as trans if I saw her on the street. She wasn't super-femme, but wasn't butch either. She just read clearly as female. She had facial feminization surgery shortly after, but it was 100% not needed (except in her mind).
posted by Pryde at 3:43 PM on October 23, 2012
As a girl who mostly learned about makeup, dressups and being femmy from drag queens, I highly suggest checking out drag.
There is probably a part of you resisting it, because you don't want to be super-femme, an exaggeration, etc etc etc. BUT - getting help from drag queens, and looking at those resources, is the quickest shortcut I can think of to really learning how to use the tools of appearance, to look how you want to. Once you've gone all out, you'll have an idea of how to go for a more 'natural' look. Once you've tried on a billion different wigs, you'll have an idea of which hairstyle will be easy and adaptable.
Also, drag queens know how to look like a girl without the hormones. This is a tremendous advantage, because you don't want to be half-way through your hormones, feeling like your sex-drive and sense of self is being severely screwed with to decide maybe this isn't where you want to be.
Also, your fears are probably because the MtF's who aren't passing are more noticeable (athough seriously, I often want to earnestly instruct them - go talk to a drag queen! And get a betty page fringe! You CAN actually work it, if you want to!), but all the mtfs who are passing, are kind of invisible.
posted by Elysum at 5:46 PM on October 23, 2012
There is probably a part of you resisting it, because you don't want to be super-femme, an exaggeration, etc etc etc. BUT - getting help from drag queens, and looking at those resources, is the quickest shortcut I can think of to really learning how to use the tools of appearance, to look how you want to. Once you've gone all out, you'll have an idea of how to go for a more 'natural' look. Once you've tried on a billion different wigs, you'll have an idea of which hairstyle will be easy and adaptable.
Also, drag queens know how to look like a girl without the hormones. This is a tremendous advantage, because you don't want to be half-way through your hormones, feeling like your sex-drive and sense of self is being severely screwed with to decide maybe this isn't where you want to be.
Also, your fears are probably because the MtF's who aren't passing are more noticeable (athough seriously, I often want to earnestly instruct them - go talk to a drag queen! And get a betty page fringe! You CAN actually work it, if you want to!), but all the mtfs who are passing, are kind of invisible.
posted by Elysum at 5:46 PM on October 23, 2012
In terms of the boob line--rule of thumb that I've always been told (in terms of making sure a bra is doing what it should) is that your breasts should settle halfway between your elbow and your armpit. Too high = corset territory (or fake looking, if you're packing), too low: saggy/aging. (The rules are probably different for women larger than a D cup.)
posted by availablelight at 7:39 PM on October 23, 2012
posted by availablelight at 7:39 PM on October 23, 2012
But that's exactly my point: a woman who wants to look like she has natural breasts, and is aging, SHOULD have saggy and aging breasts! There are certainly more delightful ways to put that, but there's no sense looking like most of you is 55 but your breasts are 14.
Also, if you're a 55-year-old woman who has stayed the same size forever, and has Found Her Zone, you most likely won't have the sassiest and most uplifting lingerie, either. Of course you probably have good stuff for certain nicer events, but your wardrobe is probably a) built for comfort, b) old -- "but still perfectly good!" according to you, or c) both. You probably own at least one of those seamless one-size bras that they sell on TV, or something kinda similar, because unless you have a DD cup you'll be damned if you'll wear an underwire any more than is strictly necessary.
This will be particularly important as you, OP, are building your confidence in your new body and look. You want to be comfortable in every sense of the word.
posted by Madamina at 8:40 PM on October 23, 2012
Also, if you're a 55-year-old woman who has stayed the same size forever, and has Found Her Zone, you most likely won't have the sassiest and most uplifting lingerie, either. Of course you probably have good stuff for certain nicer events, but your wardrobe is probably a) built for comfort, b) old -- "but still perfectly good!" according to you, or c) both. You probably own at least one of those seamless one-size bras that they sell on TV, or something kinda similar, because unless you have a DD cup you'll be damned if you'll wear an underwire any more than is strictly necessary.
This will be particularly important as you, OP, are building your confidence in your new body and look. You want to be comfortable in every sense of the word.
posted by Madamina at 8:40 PM on October 23, 2012
I don't have any advice for you, but I have a facebook friend in her late twenties or so who is a butch MTF who i sometimes facebook stalk because she seems like a super awesome person. Just another data point for 'there are totally people like this'. She definitely looks like a butch woman to me, though she says that it happens that people think she's a trans man occasionally.
posted by oranger at 8:23 AM on October 24, 2012
posted by oranger at 8:23 AM on October 24, 2012
There's good advice here, but I don't think the OP is actually interested in a butch look per se. She just wants to dress casually female in a low maintenance kind of way and be correctly gendered without looking like she's trying too hard. Clothing isn't at all the point, other than that she'd like to be able to throw it on without agonizing about whether it'll be the difference between being read as male or female in the street and just go about her life.
posted by Pryde at 4:10 PM on October 24, 2012
posted by Pryde at 4:10 PM on October 24, 2012
Julia Serano writes in her memoir/essay collection Whipping Girl that hormones made all the difference in people's perception of her -- before there were substantial visible changes to her body, and wearing the same pants and shirts she'd worn before beginning to physically transition, she suddenly got "ma'am" instead of "sir."
posted by thesmallmachine at 4:56 PM on October 24, 2012
posted by thesmallmachine at 4:56 PM on October 24, 2012
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by echolalia67 at 5:37 PM on October 22, 2012 [2 favorites]