Feeling lost in my life. What do I do? *Que the snowflake*
October 21, 2012 12:02 AM   Subscribe

Feeling lost in my life. What do I do? *Que the snowflake*

Im not really sure why I am writing this. I guess its more a vent than a question but maybe the hivemind can help me out.

I am a 31 year old single male. Have had some relationships but nothing substatial has come from them. I have only fallen in love twice in my life. One to a girl that lives in another state and one to a married woman, which I will not threaten their marriage despite how I feel about her.

I guess you could say I am lonely, painfully lonely. I have recently given up pot (smoked for about a year, an oz in total, so almost nothing) and noticed that my life is not as awesome as I was fantasizing. Well its not really that bad, I have a good job, I have a good side business, I have tons of friends, and I can hang out with just about anyone. I just feel I cant really relate to most people. I talk, they talk, we go about our way. I let myself be vulnerable, I talk from the heart but I just never NEVER feel a connection with just about anyone. I cant seem to find "my people" you know?

My past is filled with pain for me. My dad was a doctor and drank excessively. My mom is a golddigger and has never really worked a day in her life. They divorced when I was 11 and I lost them both. Dad disappeared and mom got lost in depression. I took care of my younger brother and as such I never really had a childhood. I was always the mature, stable, loyal, kinda boring but nice person. Deep down I am none of these things. I want to feel, to not care, to just be, to experience life. Not this shamble of myself. I have volunteered, I meet new people every week, I get phone numbers of everyone, I am super friendly, lots of girls want to hang out with me. But I dont do anything!! I sit at home alone on weekends, playing games, working out, and just being alone. Why do I do this?

I have always been alone, I feel I have been, since very young. I have always had to take care of others in my family. I have had to pretty much raise myself as I am first generation in the US and have no family close by. I was born into two cultures and I cant relate to either culture completely now. I am somewhat of an engima, even to myself. The two I have fallen in love with are the only people I feel that "get me", even my parents, I cant relate to at all. I relate to my brother but I have always been more a father figure to him and I just cant open up to him like I do to those I am closest too. I think my mind is just to engrained into the role I have been for him. I do love him dearly. My parents want to reconnect but I have no interest. They constantly hurt me growing up, I gave them tons of chances to reconnect and I guess I am done with them. I have other people I know care more about me.

Financially I am a bit of debt, 41k about, but I am paying it off slowly, its down from 70k 5 years ago. Most of it (85%) is from college. I have major debt issues but they aren't that big to me anymore. I spend about $30 dollars on myself a month and the rest is to maintain my lifestyle and pay down debt.

My lifestyle is good. I live near some great trails that I walk on everyday. I contemplate alot, mediate, do lots of yoga, very physically active, I am very fit as well. I eat extremely healthy (all organic) but give myself permission to eat ice cream and some sweets now and then. I have several hobbies ranging from music to painting which I receive compliments on all the time.

As you can tell I push myself.. alot... I can push myself beyond my bodies capabilites and have several times. Ive had stomach ulcers, nervous breakdowns, worked two full times jobs and went to school full time, learned the american culture enough to adapt despite being raised in another. I have accomplished so much but I feel so empty and alone...

Maybe this is a phase? A crisis? Withdrawal? Dealing with my receding hairline? I have no idea. Im just lost. I am grateful for what I have and have goals for the future and always work towards those goals. Why do I feel this way? Any ideas? Why do I choose to spend so much time alone?

I used to go to therapy but don't have insurance anymore and I cant afford it anyway. I can barely buy myself anything without feeling horrible about not being able to spend the money. I have lived this poor/good lifestyle for about well since i was 19..

My life sucks and I have no idea why.. or what to do about it.

TLDR:
I am 31 male, accomplished alot despite my circumstances but feel empty and would rather spend my time alone than with people which makes me feel even more empty.
posted by Takeyourtime to Human Relations (16 answers total) 16 users marked this as a favorite
 
There's a lot there my friend and it sounds like you're dealing with depression. I think you need to talk to a professional, no matter what you financial situation there are always ways to get help. Maybe you can't afford not to.
posted by PaulBGoode at 12:23 AM on October 21, 2012 [2 favorites]


I meet new people every week, I get phone numbers of everyone, I am super friendly, lots of girls want to hang out with me. But I dont do anything!! I sit at home alone on weekends, playing games, working out, and just being alone. Why do I do this?

Well, it sounds to me like you know why - you don't relate to any of these people who you meet. My stab in the dark is that you might relate more to people like you who have been through a lot of hard times in life and forced themselves through it. Maybe you might relate more to working single moms, or to veterans, or to people who also grew up in another country, maybe a country going through bad times. Where are you meeting these people whose phone numbers you're getting? Maybe you would have more luck in different kinds of places. What were these women like who you felt like you related to?
posted by cairdeas at 12:55 AM on October 21, 2012 [2 favorites]


Best answer: Also, maybe when you are alone, that is your time when you can do what you want and you don't have to worry about what anyone else wants, or taking care of anyone else. Maybe you would feel more at ease around someone who was really independent, or maybe someone who was the caretaking type.
posted by cairdeas at 12:56 AM on October 21, 2012 [3 favorites]


Best answer: I think what's wrong with you is just what you've said - you're lonely and tired, and you've not had a chance to be yourself unselfconsciously.

You are working very hard to do the right things, and I get the sense you don't know what it feels like not to. Caring for your brother, fighting for yourself - and for and against your parents; trying, so hard, to be good, and 'normal' (I can imagine the effort involved in even working out what that means) - it can only have been exhausting. No wonder your body's resisted.

I agree that therapy, ideally with someone experienced with people dealing with the aftershock of immigration (and it's absolutely a shock, a split - I've felt it, and it was my parents who did the travelling), is urgent. I'm not sure what goes into 'lifestyle', but it sounds like maybe taking a bit from the organic veg fund to pay for counselling is worth thinking about. Some therapists offer sliding scales, too.

Also, I'm thinking other people who've experienced a similar dislocation at critical points in their lives will be able to understand you on a deeper level than the ones you're meeting. 'Just about anyone' isn't (necessarily) going to be able to hear the things you have to say.
posted by nelljie at 1:02 AM on October 21, 2012 [4 favorites]


Response by poster: You are working very hard to do the right things, and I get the sense you don't know what it feels like not to. Caring for your brother, fighting for yourself - and for and against your parents; trying, so hard, to be good, and 'normal' (I can imagine the effort involved in even working out what that means) - it can only have been exhausting. No wonder your body's resisted.

I cried reading that. Thank you for your insight.
posted by Takeyourtime at 1:20 AM on October 21, 2012 [7 favorites]


Best answer: Quoting the always-insightful cairdeas: maybe when you are alone, that is your time when you can do what you want and you don't have to worry about what anyone else wants, or taking care of anyone else.

I had a similar childhood in that I was the eldest, kept the house running (did laundry from about age 6 or 7 because I never had clean clothes, pretty much cleaned the rest of the house as well, did upkeep on the dryer... after I left at age 21, the house nearly caught on fire because my parents, tired of cleaning the lint filter, simply removed it!!... so on and so forth), was emotionally abandoned by both parents, physically neglected (nearly died from an easily-managed medical condition, they rarely took me to the doctor, when they did, they ignored her advice), and was also older than other cousins who desperately needed someone to take care of them; I stepped in there too. Now I live in a "foreign" country that's become my home (dual citizenship), so I also get the dual culture aspect.

Recognizing that the stress of being a responsible, unofficial diplomat was valid, and that my alone time was a vitally necessary way of having a space where I could be my hippy Oregonian, nice girl, cat lover, mountain biking, DIY-doing, gardener, reader, writer self, as opposed to the "AMERICAN WHO SPEAKS FRENCH!!!" novelty show that, anecdotally, I'd say 98% of French people immediately thrust me into, was, well, vital... helped me get over the guilt I had been carrying for being an "asocial hermit". I put that in quotes because that sort of demeaning label was the sort that my parents would put on me, so there was also that level of guilt-not-originating-from-me (but that I was perpetuating) that needed working past.

I see this in your post: "my life is not as awesome as I was fantasizing", which sort of manages to demean both your ideals (as "fantasies") and your current life, and also "I dont do anything!! I sit at home alone on weekends, playing games, working out, and just being alone. Why do I do this?"

You do it because you need it. It is coming from a deep, valid desire to connect to who you really are. I'm not saying you're going to be a hermit all your life :) What is important, however, if your goal truly is to learn who the real you is, is to recognize that this current loneliness is an important part of it. Playing games and working out are expressions of things you genuinely want to do. The loneliness, when accepted as a genuine expression of yourself, can help you eventually connect; by valuing who you are, it becomes easier to find others who will also value you.

In doing this myself, I've found my few true connections with friends (all foreigners and/or with extensive, genuine openness to "foreign" ways, as opposed to people who just travel and see "foreign" as "not me") have really deepened and become meaningful to the point where my continuing not-coupled state is no longer a burden, but enjoyable. I can meet new people, and know that it's okay that I still haven't found a significant other; I know I'm doing what I can, and true to my values. I love my friends, they're all really neat people; I love my cats, they snuggle and cuddle and help me sew and cook and DIY. Accepting that those things are okay, and ignoring societal stuff that says "hurf durf crazy cat lady with too many books can't find a man" (replace with whichever hurf-durf single man thing fits, and see, that's what's so nonsensical about it, is that these judgements can be tweaked for ANYone), can lead to a genuine happiness. And that can only be beneficial towards the hope of finding someone who meshes with you!
posted by fraula at 2:32 AM on October 21, 2012 [13 favorites]


Best answer: Maybe you're lonely because you try very hard to do the right things instead of figuring out what matters to you most? It's great that you're paying down your debt and eating completely organic, but if you feel lost and unhappy, maybe you should figure out your financial priorities, and add a little extra "socializing" category to your budget? It's okay if you want to take time for yourself, but if that's not actually what you want, then you should change it up without feeling guilty about it. You don't have to prove to others that you're normal. It's okay. You're probably at a place in your life where you can relax figure out what's interesting for you rather than "right". I don't think there's anything intrinsically wrong with you... I think you just haven't found the right people.

I'm also a first-generation immigrant, pretty much alone in this country, and it's tough. You sound like you had a way rougher childhood than me. I hope I'm not being too presumptuous, but I can understand that sense of day-to-day disconnect, that rootlessness that people who've been in their current country for generations don't understand. I'm always afraid that I'll never get rooted and catch up to everyone else who had the social support that I've never had, when recent immigrant families often have to struggle with basic things that other people take for granted. I'm also torn between cultures, and constantly feel like I am pressured to prove my authenticity to both sides. Even though I'm an adult and have spent most of my life in this country, I still feel like a newcomer because I feel like there's so much catch up to do. I still don't understand how health care system works!

I tend to get along well with other first-generation immigrants, it doesn't even matter if they're from my same continent of origin or not. Immigrants understand each other better, I think. I can't connect on a deep level to people who aren't first or second generation immigrants. It's not a race thing, it's a shared struggle thing. I used to feel really lost even though I had friends, but once I found the current network I'm in, I feel like I found my place in this country. It's not family, but it's community. It's nice to be in a community where you can meet people for the first time, share a few things about each other, and immediately sense that you *get* each other.

And funny enough, some of the people I get along really well with aren't of my exact background either. I identify as straight, but there's a lot of queer spaces and groups in this city that I feel at home with, and subsequently have become part of that community to an extent. I can't exactly say why I feel like I belong, but I just do. It's through that I've found my current partner, found my volunteer gig, find fun things to do and attend, live and breathe cultural life, and meet new people. It just comes together so organically somehow, I felt like I didn't have to force anything. I just had to be myself.

Hopefully my anecdote was some help for you. But yes, I recommend finding a community that you feel at home with.
posted by Hawk V at 3:14 AM on October 21, 2012 [3 favorites]


Best answer: I have found that I don't necessarily want to go through small talk with people, but I enjoy them more if we can have more meaningful conversations. So I often isolate. I would suggest that you try some Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings, or Codependents Anonymous meetings and go to several meetings for a committed time period until you find a group that you relate to. or any 12 step program. I even went to Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous with my partner for awhile and it helped me understand my life much more significantly even though I was the coda and not the user.

There is a classic pattern of behavior and textbook roles in alcoholic families and that behavior spills over into our adult lives. Being around other people with similar experiences helped me understand the care taking, exhaustion, and isolation patterns of behavior in a better way. I think feeling isolated really means not being able to communicate with people on a more authentic, more intimate way. Group Meetings with people in this focused kind of context help with that.

Good luck.
posted by gt2 at 4:20 AM on October 21, 2012 [1 favorite]


I sit at home alone on weekends, playing games, working out, and just being alone. Why do I do this?

Nthing the comment above that you do this because you need to - striving to be responsible, "normal" the whole week takes a big toll on you. I used to feel if I didn't have that, I wouldn't be able to be on my best behavior the next week, and become more grumpy/lonely/aggressive as time goes by.
That said, what matters is finding the right balance - for me it meant forcing myself to Do stuff with other people every other week end - sometimes less than that. Basically just enough for it to be fulfilling and not bother because "you're doing nothing".
As far as "doing nothing", I've found that I felt better if I spend the day reading one book rather than the same amount of text spread among 36 Internet sites...

my people
I immigrated with my parents - the dual culture thing is something that I'm still struggling with - it is a weird thing that the culture I feel I belong the most to is immaterial (the Internet) and not tied to a particular geography - that's where I feel 'my people' are - more than any of the two culture I belong to. I think part of it comes down to choice. If you never emigrate, you don't chose your culture. When your parents do, the possibility of choice exists, but what happens when none of the default choices is particularly fulfilling ? You shouldn't have to renounce who you are to 'be normal' - once you ask yourself "do I actually enjoy doing this stuff?" and can't answer positively, just stop doing it - you'll see that you don't instantly become less integrated with society, and you'll be happier.

I relate to my brother but I have always been more a father figure to him and I just cant open up to him like I do to those I am closest too

This might be way off base depending I your history/age difference/etc but I used to think the same, and was pleasantly surprised (and overwhelmed) when I opened up to my younger siblings about those issues - your brother might be glad to help you

Good luck to you - FWIW my history is significantly different from yours, yet I find that I often struggle with the same issues.
posted by motdiem2 at 5:23 AM on October 21, 2012


Sometimes, your outsides can influence your insides. A subtle, yet spunky makeover may help remove you from your rigid role. While a cool haircut or some brand new jeans won't do the trick, they can tremendously boost confidence.

One thing that helped me was creating a bucket list. Identify the top 5 things that you really want to do and not because they sound good to others. Perhaps that includes a trip to your native country, singing karaoke, or trying online dating...who knows. If I were you, I'd also bring my baby bro on some of these new adventures. You probably have more in common with him than you think.
posted by nikayla_luv at 7:34 AM on October 21, 2012 [3 favorites]


You called your mom a gold digger. I imagine you probably have a fair amount of suspicion/contempt towards women that women pick up on and distance themselves from you with. I think things will improve once you treat your depression.
posted by discopolo at 9:28 AM on October 21, 2012 [3 favorites]


Best answer: N'thing what everyone else said, and adding my suggestion: Read biographies, memoirs, and letters. The fact is, this world is crazy, and you're not alone. Just a few that I've really enjoyed:

The Glass Castle
The Night Trilogy
My Early Life
Letters and Papers from Prison
posted by uncannyslacks at 9:35 AM on October 21, 2012 [1 favorite]


Best answer: You've identified your own problem, which is that you are lonely. I fully understand preferring to spend time alone, however, you can't do this all the time because relating to other people is a basic human need. That is why you can do all the "right" things (congratulations, btw, you obviously have great self-discipline and problem-solving skills) but still feel bad. If you do all the "right" things and have not love, it's all rather empty.

I strongly recommend the book "Safe People" by Henry Cloud. You sound like a really great person. Your receding hairline won't put women off, as most men are balding by your age, but I don't think that's really your concern is it? More the passage of time and the feeling that life is passing you by? Please be assured that you will be guided to solve the problem of your loneliness, because you weren't put here to be alone and sad all the time.
posted by tel3path at 2:00 PM on October 21, 2012 [1 favorite]


Very quick answer: I'm younger than you and I've had less trouble in my life (i.e. fewer hurdles), but still, I find myself most connecting with people who have weathered the same storms. I was a poor kid who worked my way from the working class to the middle/upper-middle class, and guess who I relate to the most? Other poor kids who worked their way out of poverty. People who were born into the circumstances I now live in are great but I don't relate to them as deeply. My boyfriend and I have this same hurdle in common. I'm also an introvert-- it sounds like you might be too? In which case you shouldn't hate yourself for needing alone time. It's perfectly okay to want to spend time with yourself. Of course, if you are feeling bad, something's gotta give. I greatly recommend therapy (and searching until you find a therapist who's right for you).

Working so hard to be normal really takes a toll! I'd recommend taking inventory of your life and thinking about what makes you happy and what doesn't-- what you might be able to change on a big scale to give you a sense of purpose and control in your life.
posted by stoneandstar at 2:25 PM on October 21, 2012 [1 favorite]


Best answer: Nthing the above advice. Maybe really take some time to look at yourself- who are you, what do you want, where are you going, ans especially... what will make you happy? You have to like and love yourself before others can love you. Wherever you go, there you will be... with you.

Oh, and a very dysfunctional home life can cause all sorts of problems later on in life. Therapists are very good at this sort of thing. 'sliding payment scale' are the magic words. :)
posted by Jacen at 2:41 PM on October 21, 2012


Best answer: Thank you for your insight.

You're very welcome, but it's your own. You're an incredibly strong person. You'll find more of your own people, as you have here. Take care.
posted by nelljie at 3:16 PM on October 21, 2012


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