I keep getting rejected or ignored and want to quit trying to date
October 17, 2012 4:46 PM Subscribe
I want to give up trying to date, I just keep getting rejected, can you guys help me stay motivated and not quit trying?
posted by curious-mind to Human Relations (83 answers total) 12 users marked this as a favorite
Hey guys, let me start of by saying that I know some of you guys will try to help me out by telling me to be more confident and take risks and try to deconstruct my personality based on my previous questions and what I'm writing here today and give me pointers on what I can do to improve myself.
I've just reached a point now that I am so frustrated with getting rejected over and over again that the thought of making more effort to just hear another no seems very unappealing and down right depressing.
I'm 26 years old, and I haven't been on a real date in a good solid two years since my last relationship broke off. A real date being something I didn't take out of desperation and desire to not be lonely but was attracted and enjoyed their company.
I have a good job, I'm not ugly, I've been told that I am very attractive and cute by at least ten different women in my life time maybe even more than ten.
But the past two years has just been a constant string of no's. I would say that 90% of my energy is spent trying to meet women online and it sucks to send out cute messages to 30 people and see that they get deleted. Over and over again it happens and you just start wondering:
1) Maybe I am not fit enough?
2) Maybe my race is a problem? (I'm Indian btw)
3) Maybe my messages are terrible?
All of the effort I've made to try and date online hasn't worked out.
So the past few months I've tried talking to girls at bars. I usually strike up a friendly conversation and joke around and make them laugh. I've gotten maybe 10 numbers from girls in the past three months. I had good solid conversation, making them laugh and I asked them questions about their life and their interests.
But all of those girls fell of at one point or another after my communication with them a few days latter and none of the ten girls made it to going out on a date with me.
This makes me wonder and ask, "whats wrong with me?" and on it goes with XYZ in my head.
1. Am I ugly?
2. Am I approaching the wrong people?
The truth is that neither I or anyone out their on Ask meta filter can really give me a concrete answer because each woman is different and its hard to nail down that common issue that could be holding me back and especially if people who try to help don't know you like this website forum. I'm only bringing this up because I know people still want to help but usually these type of issues are hard to solve.
The reason that I wrote all of this out was to give you an idea of how I'm feeling right now. I've heard that dating is a numbers game. I work in financial sales, so I make cold calls and very strongly understand the concept of filling your pipeline with more prospects. I know that may sound cheesy or unromantic or unsexy but I'm just talking about it from a large scale perspective. I don't treat the women I talk to as women number 5, and I give her my full attention and interest and respect her uniqueness each and every time.
But the idea is that if you hear enough no's you are bound to get a yes. That if you only ask two women out in a year you are most likely not going to be on a date that year but if you ask 20 or 30 the chances go up.
The problem I'm having is just wanting to give up trying. I feel like I've tried so many times and I'm not getting anything from anyone. Its so tempting to throw my hands up and say forget this.
I also understand that relationships and dating are not everything and have a great live outside of trying to meet women.
The general advice is to stop looking for it and focus on yourself and I've done that as well. I've spent time in places with people enjoying myself and treating myself well. Working out, hanging with friends and not focusing on women and making sure my ducks are all in a row.
But there comes a time that you focus on yourself enough eventually you ask yourself, "okay, its nice being happy alone but I sure would like to share this with another person." Which I feel is natural, because technically you could focus on yourself for eternity and think you are becoming more attractive b tending to yourself but have it go on for years and not meet a soul.
I've just reached a point that I want to give up trying, and there is so much advice out there that tells you to try different things and I feel like I've given it my all and I still failed.
I know the best thing is to take a break and renew my spirits to feel re-energized. But even after that when I'm feeling better I still sit there and ponder "What is something I can do different this time around so I dont get rejected?" and the same things always come up from different sources, myself and my brain and others like friends and the internet:
1) Be more confident
2) Make more money
3) Workout and get fitter
4) Enjoy some new hobbies
5) Online Date and talk to girls at Bars/Activities/Groups etc.
Its the same advice that I've read last time and I've implemented it to some degree:
1) I am able to talk to girls at bars or other social places with more ease and less anxiety and not really get tongue tied
2) I have a good job in the financial sector making over 100K+
3) I workout often and I am not overweight but I dont have abs either
4) I play my guitar and enjoy listening to classic rock so much that I am kind of a trivia king of old bands from the 60's.
5) Tried all of this already, online dating and everything else.
I had my profile looked at my various people and forums for critique and posted full body shots and what not. But nobody bites.
I just dont see anything that could help me at this point and feel hopeless after trying all these things. I don't like to quit in life as I feel its a weakness and seals your fate to whatever you run away from, failure or fear. But I am close to just saying fuck it.
Any advice guys, people who have been in my shoes?