Can men (or women) really be influenced by peer pressure to break up with a significant other?
October 17, 2012 6:06 AM Subscribe
Can men (or women) really be influenced by peer pressure to break up with a significant other?
So.... I dated this guy several months ago. I thought we were really happy together (or he's the best damn actor around). We spent a lot of time together, never argued, met each other's families, traveled together, spoke about moving in together... I thought we were on the track to something more serious. We enjoyed the same activities, had mutual friends, etc.
His best friend, however, never liked me. Before we dated, they did everything together- it was almost like a codependent relationship- went to college together and then roommates. When we started dating, my ex of course spent a lot of time with me. All of his other friend said they had never seen him happier than when he was with me; yet, the best friend would always make offhand comments about the other girls my ex had slept with in front of me and other passive aggressive things (like picking arguments with me). I usually ignored him because I always thought of him as a friend, but just an immature one- and he's a guy. I knew my ex's best friend was manipulative, but not to the extent until after we broke up.
Now..
I keep hearing from other mutual friends that this best friend continuously talked crap about me during and after my ex and I dated. This was complete news to me. He always made it seem like we were cool, but now I see how much he truly resented me and my ex together. He told friends how selfish I was and how he hated when I was over at their apartment; and how I was a horrible girlfriend. His best friend is very charming and convincing- narcissistic even. He frequently bragged about girls he slept with and discarded.
I was shocked when my ex broke up with me- he completely devalued me, which was very unlike him. He said things that I KNOW was fed to him by his roommate. I always thought he was happy, but it makes me wonder how many lies his best friend told him and how long he worked on him when I wasn't around. When I tried to reach out to my ex, he accused me of all these horrible things that never happened, but he wouldn't believe me.
He's known his best friend a lot longer than me, but it's so frustrating that he would believe him over me. Now, when I see my ex out, he can barely look at me and he and his best friend usually just ignore me. I'm frustrated that this best friend intervened and effed with our relationship. Does karma exist!!??
So.... I dated this guy several months ago. I thought we were really happy together (or he's the best damn actor around). We spent a lot of time together, never argued, met each other's families, traveled together, spoke about moving in together... I thought we were on the track to something more serious. We enjoyed the same activities, had mutual friends, etc.
His best friend, however, never liked me. Before we dated, they did everything together- it was almost like a codependent relationship- went to college together and then roommates. When we started dating, my ex of course spent a lot of time with me. All of his other friend said they had never seen him happier than when he was with me; yet, the best friend would always make offhand comments about the other girls my ex had slept with in front of me and other passive aggressive things (like picking arguments with me). I usually ignored him because I always thought of him as a friend, but just an immature one- and he's a guy. I knew my ex's best friend was manipulative, but not to the extent until after we broke up.
Now..
I keep hearing from other mutual friends that this best friend continuously talked crap about me during and after my ex and I dated. This was complete news to me. He always made it seem like we were cool, but now I see how much he truly resented me and my ex together. He told friends how selfish I was and how he hated when I was over at their apartment; and how I was a horrible girlfriend. His best friend is very charming and convincing- narcissistic even. He frequently bragged about girls he slept with and discarded.
I was shocked when my ex broke up with me- he completely devalued me, which was very unlike him. He said things that I KNOW was fed to him by his roommate. I always thought he was happy, but it makes me wonder how many lies his best friend told him and how long he worked on him when I wasn't around. When I tried to reach out to my ex, he accused me of all these horrible things that never happened, but he wouldn't believe me.
He's known his best friend a lot longer than me, but it's so frustrating that he would believe him over me. Now, when I see my ex out, he can barely look at me and he and his best friend usually just ignore me. I'm frustrated that this best friend intervened and effed with our relationship. Does karma exist!!??
This post was deleted for the following reason: Sorry, Ask Metafilter is for actual questions you want help with, not venting. -- taz
Yes, this happens. It happens for multiple reasons. Sometimes because the negativity genuinely erodes their opinion, sometimes because they're embarrassed to be with the person anymore.
However, this won't help you - this situation is not recoverable.
posted by corb at 6:14 AM on October 17, 2012
However, this won't help you - this situation is not recoverable.
posted by corb at 6:14 AM on October 17, 2012
Well, the simple answer is "yes." I once was involved in a social scene where the endless gossip and speculation had sunk so many relationships that a couple dated in secret for two years so their friends wouldn't have a chance to interfere. Reportedly the relationship was so QT , that one of them said to his parents "I'm thinking of getting married," and the parents replied "to who?"
More complexly, while this is possible, it's pretty difficult for a social relation to undermine a really solid romantic relationship, as the "you must chose between us" ploy heavily favors the romantic partner over the friend. If your SO dumped you on the opinion of his friend, chances are he a) is easily led, b) a bad judge of character, or c) was not as attached as you thought. In any of these cases, you are probably better off knowing this now, as the sting would be worse in, say, 5 years.
As for your bonus question, yes karma exists. Not in the sense of a divine force handing out justice, but miserable people who try to sabotage their friends' relationships tend to poison the water around them, and that usually leads to isolation and bitterness later in life. Plus, would you rather be you, sadder but (I hope) a little wiser or either the boyfriend (saddled with a miserable excuse for a friend) or the friend (sentenced to life imprisonment with himself)?
posted by GenjiandProust at 6:14 AM on October 17, 2012
More complexly, while this is possible, it's pretty difficult for a social relation to undermine a really solid romantic relationship, as the "you must chose between us" ploy heavily favors the romantic partner over the friend. If your SO dumped you on the opinion of his friend, chances are he a) is easily led, b) a bad judge of character, or c) was not as attached as you thought. In any of these cases, you are probably better off knowing this now, as the sting would be worse in, say, 5 years.
As for your bonus question, yes karma exists. Not in the sense of a divine force handing out justice, but miserable people who try to sabotage their friends' relationships tend to poison the water around them, and that usually leads to isolation and bitterness later in life. Plus, would you rather be you, sadder but (I hope) a little wiser or either the boyfriend (saddled with a miserable excuse for a friend) or the friend (sentenced to life imprisonment with himself)?
posted by GenjiandProust at 6:14 AM on October 17, 2012
I've had it done to me in my early 20s. A guy I was dating had a friend who didn't think I was good enough/hot enough and basically badgered him about it until he broke up with me. (I know this because the boyfriend of a friend of mine was a friend with that guy.) The guy who dumped me, though, was very much the impressionable, gives in to peer pressure type, and that was the least of his problems. The way I see it, I dodged a bullet.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 6:15 AM on October 17, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 6:15 AM on October 17, 2012 [1 favorite]
Obviously it happens. It's usually a bit more subtle than that, but you weren't the first person to get dumped because friends/family disapproved, and you won't be the last. I'm sorry it happened to you; it sounds like you are still trying to make sense of a painful breakup. Sometimes we don't get the whole story. Luckily, "the whole story" is not a requirement for moving on.
posted by peacrow at 6:18 AM on October 17, 2012
posted by peacrow at 6:18 AM on October 17, 2012
Not sure what the question is, but based on the proximity and similarity to your last question, I think you should probably try harder to avoid these people, and give yourself more time to get over it/stop thinking about him
posted by MangyCarface at 6:20 AM on October 17, 2012
posted by MangyCarface at 6:20 AM on October 17, 2012
This has happened since forever. Read Othello for a dramatic rendition of this type of event.
Interestingly, Shakespeare also includes an equivalent this AskMe, in that Desdemona asks Emilia whether this kind of stuff really ever happens!
posted by jasper411 at 6:29 AM on October 17, 2012 [2 favorites]
Interestingly, Shakespeare also includes an equivalent this AskMe, in that Desdemona asks Emilia whether this kind of stuff really ever happens!
posted by jasper411 at 6:29 AM on October 17, 2012 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: "What's the question here? "Can men (or women) really be influenced by peer pressure to break up with a significant other?" You've told us a story in which it happened. So there's your answer."
Yes, I guess I did answer my own question. I just wanted to hear if this had happened to anyone else. It was more along the lines of a frustrated vent.
posted by Butterflye1010 at 6:32 AM on October 17, 2012
Yes, I guess I did answer my own question. I just wanted to hear if this had happened to anyone else. It was more along the lines of a frustrated vent.
posted by Butterflye1010 at 6:32 AM on October 17, 2012
« Older Tea tree oil fumes to treat sickness: crazy? | Goldilocks searches for a wedding ring Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by caek at 6:10 AM on October 17, 2012 [3 favorites]