How to help a friend find love when they're not equipped for it?
October 17, 2012 5:42 AM Subscribe
How can I help my extremely unattractive (physically and relationship-wise) friend either find someone to date/love, realize he needs self-improvement, or come to terms with not finding it?
posted by corb to Human Relations (33 answers total) 6 users marked this as a favorite
A friend of mine is in his mid to late thirties, and has never had a serious relationship. He has only dated two people in his life, both for very brief periods of time, and I believe has never had sex with anyone who actually liked him. He asks a lot for advice, and I want to help him, but I just don't know what to tell him. I want to give him advice for improvement, but I also don't want to lower his self esteem any more than it already is.
The problems: my friend is short, heavily overweight, with very bad complexion. He generally also has bad personal hygiene - teeth being the worst of it, but hair is also greasy, clothes appear to be worn multiple days in a row, and his hair and beard are massively unkempt. In addition, personality-wise, he has now gotten to a place of "Nice Guy/Nerd" resentment, where he (at least somewhat) thinks the problem is that he's just too good compared to all the jerks. He also has spent a lot of time and money on strip clubs, so he's not exactly socialized well with women who aren't paid to be nice to him. His idea of how to pick up women is to walk up to them and tell them how much he likes them physically - and he tends to only pick people who are at levels of attractiveness where he could see them at a strip club - who generally have better options. He also makes very sexist jokes and commentary that I think would turn off a lot of women.
The thing is, he is a genuinely considerate person, when you ignore this massive, massive baggage, and I would like him to be happy. This situation is causing him a lot of anguish, and it's hard for those who care about him to watch. But I have absolutely no idea what to say. Do I encourage physical improvement? Mental improvement? Is it too late? I feel like if he had a great romantic personality it might compensate for the looks, or if he had great looks it might compensate for the awful romantic personality bits, but as it stands, I don't see any reason why anyone would want to date him.