he's not a fixer-upper
October 15, 2012 5:08 PM Subscribe
My boyfriend cleans up nice! Yay! But...how do I get him to clean up, just a wee bit more frequently? And should I?
posted by anonymous to human relations (32 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
I love my boyfriend and I think he's a handsome piece of man. But he's a casual dude, with a casual life, and sometimes he gets a bit, yes, casual, about his appearance. I certainly don't hold him to a higher standard than I hold myself, and as an intermittent thing it doesn't bother me that much. Problem is, when there's been a stretch of a few days at a time when I've only seen him in bumming around clothes, hair akimbo, I am Just Not Feeling It sexually for him. This makes me feel bad about being superficial, and then it makes me feel resentful that he doesn't try to look Sexy for me, and then it makes me freak out about the strength of our relationship, and so it goes with a little bit of whining and general snippiness until the next time he puts on pants and an ironed shirt and I'm all WELL HEY THERE and all is right with the world.
I feel terrible about this! I love this guy and I feel like I shouldn't be bothered by how he presents himself (this isn't like he doesn't shower or brush his teeth, basic hygiene is intact) but I still find my desire for him cooling off when he's schlubbing around and not dressed and groomed like an adult man leaving the house. He has strong opinions about what he wears and when (i.e. if he's not Dressed, it's because he doesn't feel like it, not because he's oblivious to what looks good), so just taking him shopping, suggesting clothes for him to wear, etc. are not going to work here.
Is there any good way to address this? Does positive reinforcement work, or is this disrespectful? I don't want to treat my partner like a pet! Or if there isn't a good way to do it, how do I address my issue? I want to be super into my guy at all times, but I'm just not getting there the way things are now. (If it matters, we've been together a while - this isn't a new relationship.)