Join 3,416 readers in helping fund MetaFilter (Hide)


Are these mixed signals intelligible?
October 14, 2012 6:47 PM   Subscribe

Are these mixed signals intelligible? Are they even mixed signals, or just a polite way of telling me to get lost?

I met someone at a party recently. We really clicked, and spent most of the night talking; mutual friends were basically planning couples' vacations with us before long. Then -- after hours and hours -- she bailed, very awkwardly. I emailed her afterward and it turned out that she had just recently broken up with someone she had dated for several years and was just not in the right headspace. Which...okay. I understand that, but I also know we'd been having a pretty good time to that point, and really would have liked to have kept things going on that level, at that speed. Nothing serious! She sorta was like, "Well, I hope we see each other again sometime," though realistically we probably won't -- at least not anytime soon -- and also I kinda have to wonder how sincerely she meant that when, to be honest, seeing each other again would be pretty simple to arrange if one were of a mind to, and much more complicated and improbable if one were to leave that to the whims of fate and all. As hard as it is to accept -- (a) because this isn't the answer I want to hear, and (b) because it really doesn't track with how well we got along -- I'm pretty sure this is a "she's just not that into you" situation, but the couple whose party it was keep telling me not to sweat it, just wait, etc., which sounds kind of...delusional? Nuts? Bizarre? I don't intend to wait around for someone who I may or may not even see again to decide that it's time for her to be interested in dating someone. It's all just weird and I don't know what to do with it at all, not least because I really did like her and really would like things to happen there, but the self-preservation part of me is telling me to just forget about it.

Anyway: What I'm trying to figure out is whether I should contact her again. She didn't say not to contact her. She did say she wanted to see me again. Albeit in some passive not-that-I-want-to-do-anything-to-make-that-really-happen way. Would I be losing out on something if I just let it go, or is she effectively telling me in a nice way to fuck off? I'm just really...confused.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (37 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
 
Would I be losing out on something if I just let it go, or is she effectively telling me in a nice way to fuck off?

She is telling you in a nice way to fuck off, in my opinion. She got to the point where "pleasant conversation" turned to "oh this might get romantic" and pulled the eject lever, which means that if you run into each other at a party and you manage to keep things absolutely platonic and friendly, she will probably chat with you, but that's the limit of what she's into.

And, since it sounds like you are not actually looking for a totally platonic friend, it's best for you if you take her at her word and don't try to chase her. It doesn't actually matter why she's not into you - and I would totally, 100% not believe your mutual friends on this, because jesus people are obnoxious and bad at reading this sort of thing - but she's not, and she told you so, and that's unfortunate, but that's what it is.
posted by restless_nomad at 6:54 PM on October 14, 2012 [6 favorites]


The party seems like it was too fast and full-on for her. WTF with her friends?

"Well, I hope we see each other again sometime," = Open door.

What I'm trying to figure out is whether I should contact her again.

Start small - invite her for coffee somewhere. If she says no to coffee, she's not interested.
posted by heyjude at 6:56 PM on October 14, 2012 [3 favorites]


She bailed, take her word for it that it's her and not you. Don't waste your time trying to interpret it any further.
posted by Think_Long at 6:57 PM on October 14, 2012


I think you can ask her out on a date, but to a specific time and place, one time at most. If she says no, stop contacting her and leave her alone.

But honestly, I don't think it'll work out.
posted by the young rope-rider at 6:58 PM on October 14, 2012 [16 favorites]


If I'm parsing this correctly, you saw her once at a party and clicked and she said she hoped you'll see each other sometime soon.

Just go ahead and call her or email her and ask her if you can take her to dinner this Friday night (or whatever outing or day suits your interests and schedule). She'll say yes or no or put you off. Then you'll know where you stand and can have that dinner or give up on it accordingly.
posted by orange swan at 6:58 PM on October 14, 2012 [1 favorite]


I think one date invitation might work, especially if you wait a few weeks for things to cool off, like your friends suggested. But if it doesn't, that's truly the end of it.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 6:59 PM on October 14, 2012 [1 favorite]


I think you can ask her out on a date, but to a specific time and place, one time at most. If she says no, stop contacting her and leave her alone.

This, and I'd suggest a low-key date (eg afternoon coffee), not full-on romance blow-out.
posted by Forktine at 7:02 PM on October 14, 2012 [7 favorites]


Leave it alone until she contacts you. You seem to be completely ignoring the "just broke up, not in the right headspace" piece! Um, this is a real thing and you should take someone at their word rather than pressuring a vulnerable person into dating you. Even if you 'succeed' in getting her to go out with you, it will not end well. Why would you want to be the rebound guy?
posted by rainbowbrite at 7:09 PM on October 14, 2012 [7 favorites]


I think it doesn't matter what your mutual friends say. She said she just got out of a relationship and didn't want to get into another. That seems pretty clear to me. Maybe she said she hoped she'd see you to be polite, maybe she said it because she thinks you're a cool person. Either way, don't ask her out. I think you're being very reasonable on this and your friends are being kind of weird.
posted by Aquifer at 7:11 PM on October 14, 2012 [9 favorites]


You already emailed her once and she said she was not in the right headspace b/c she'd recently broken up with someone? There is nothing to interpret. She's not interested.

If she'd said, "I'm busy," you would have had grounds to ask her out a 2nd time. However in this situation, you shouldn't ask her out again.
posted by kellybird at 7:19 PM on October 14, 2012 [2 favorites]


She just got out of a relationship. Either she is not into you, or not into starting anything right now. If you're still single in December, give her a call and ask her out for a festive caffeinated beverage and she'll let you know which one it was.
posted by Garm at 7:21 PM on October 14, 2012 [8 favorites]


She told you directly that she's not ready to date. The fact that you had a nice conversation doesn't change that. It's good that you don't intend to wait around for her to decide to date you... because she's already told you she's not in the headspace. She knows you have mutual friends, if she changes her mind, she'll know how to get hold of you. Move along.
posted by Jubey at 7:26 PM on October 14, 2012 [2 favorites]


Meh, give it a couple of weeks, then see if she wants to do something casual. Or maybe mutual friends might set anything up. No reason to wait for her or anything, but no reason to shut the door, either.
posted by empath at 7:26 PM on October 14, 2012


Which...okay. I understand that, but I also know we'd been having a pretty good time to that point, and really would have liked to have kept things going on that level, at that speed. Nothing serious!

It sounds like she either felt a connection, or at least liked you well enough to imagine you as a potential date (and could tell you felt the same), and that's not what she wants right now. She doesn't want something serious, but she also doesn't want a "Nothing serious!" flirty friendship, either.

These aren't mixed signals, they're just not the signals you want--you see the possibility of a connection and want to pursue it in a low-key way; she sees the possibility of a connection and doesn't want to pursue it at all right now.
posted by Meg_Murry at 7:49 PM on October 14, 2012 [1 favorite]


Okay, this is a totally non-direct, kind of game-playing move, which I never usually would recommend. But it sounds like she clearly liked you, but put the brakes on for her stated reason, or something else, doesn't really matter. If you push now, in any way -- and I can't speak for other girls -- but I would not date you, ever. It would seem way too needy and boundary crossing after saying no to you.

However, if I happened to see you at another event, sometime in the near or not so near future, and you didn't pursue me, or did so in a subtle way, that same chemistry would probably exist and might develop further.

So yeah, patience.
posted by nanook at 7:58 PM on October 14, 2012 [1 favorite]


Sounds to me like things went a little too well for her comfort. My read: Just conversation led to attraction that she didn't think she was ready for and she hit some blue screen of death moment and fled. I have done this sort of thing and I have had it done to me. In some ways, it is a good sign. It suggests good chemistry, but with somewhat poor timing. Patience and communication can help with that second issue.

Sometimes it is possible to get past that. Sometimes it is not. It depends on a lot of things. Try to focus on building trust, putting her mind at ease, and leaving the door open with no pressure. If she can get past it (whatever "it" is) in a timely manner, it might go somewhere. But if some other opportunity comes up and she is still flaking, it's okay to let that door close. Don't let yourself become her doormat.
posted by Michele in California at 8:03 PM on October 14, 2012 [4 favorites]


I understand that, but I also know we'd been having a pretty good time to that point, and really would have liked to have kept things going on that level, at that speed. Nothing serious!

Spending hours and hours talking to someone you connect with really well is less, "Nothing serious!" and more "Rapidly trending toward the kind of mutual attachment that could result in a serious relationship". Having those kinds of feelings for someone when you've just ended a multi-year relationship is unnerving. Presumably, she had a similar connection with her ex. The relationship ended anyway and she's not done grieving over it. She might not be able to face an emotional connection without thinking of that loss first. She might be -- probably is -- feeling incredibly lonely and afraid that she'll just use you for companionship. Also, her identity and habits are still very much tied up in the relationship that ended. In other words, she's not available because she's still figuring out who she is outside of that relationship.

Go live your life, date other people, maybe invite her to a group event that she'd be interested in now and then. If you're still interested in six months, ask her out for coffee.

Uh, while I don't want to give you false hope...my current boyfriend did something similar to me. We were both reeling from the ends of serious relationships and hooked up without any expectations. Instant connection, hours of talking--and then he suddenly pulled back and said he wasn't ready for it. We kept in very light touch over the year that passed after that...and then got together after we'd both resolved a lot of breakup related issues. We both dated other people during that time and moved past the old relationships. I'm glad we had that long break to figure ourselves out.
posted by rhythm and booze at 8:15 PM on October 14, 2012 [2 favorites]


she had just recently broken up with someone she had dated for several years and was just not in the right headspace

This is relevant. Or at least it explains her behavior pretty clearly, if it's true.

Which...okay. I understand that

No offense intended here, but it does not really sound like you do.

Someone just out of a long relationship is typically trying (and failing for a while) to recalibrate their notions of casual intimacy, boundaries, expectations to and from others, sense of self, loss of self inside a relationship, etc.

About the only way you can pursue this woman is to be very, very slow and set your expectations very low. Like "maybe we'll just socialize from time to time over the next year or two" low. Don't expect much. She's not telling you to fuck off, but she's telling you to pull way back so she can figure herself out. Respect that.
posted by ead at 8:22 PM on October 14, 2012 [3 favorites]


Not proud to admit I've probably been the girl in your question more than once after a breakup. I was lonely and feeling bad about myself and my friends were probably giving me some "just hook up with someone new" advice and I would find myself at a party where some pretty attractive guy was paying attention to me and I'd be like "he seems nice, I'm gonna give this my best shot!" So I'd spend most of the night really turning it on for this guy, trying really hard to appreciate the unique beauty in him, wanting to be ready, maybe making out, giving him my number. Until my favorite song from the year before came on, or I got back to my place and saw the angry note from my ex or something and realized I was not ready at all. And then poor party guy would call and I'd let it go to voicemail.

You can email her and be like, "that movie we were talking about comes out next week, let's hit a matinee together and check out that one actor with the toupee," but keep it SO LIGHT. And if she bails forget her for a couple months before making another move.
posted by milk white peacock at 8:24 PM on October 14, 2012 [7 favorites]


Oh god, everything rhythm and booze and ead said. I've kind of been that girl. Even if she really likes you, she may need time to get over her ex, dissociate from memories of him, get back into the headspace of being "just herself" vs. "her and the ex". Because right now, the concepts of "dating" and "romance" might still be inextricably and completely connected to "The Ex", and it's really hard to imagine dating someone else (even very casually) when you feel like that.

I know it might seem kind of wishy-washy, like "just decide whether you like me or not!". But when you just get out of a serious relationship, sometimes you go through a period where you don't even trust your own instincts, and can't tell if what you're feeling is real or just a reaction to grief: "Do I really like that guy? Am I just lonely and latching on to something? Even if I do like him, am I over my ex enough? Do I really want to drag this poor sap into a relationship when I'm still so hurt/conflicted/angry over my ex? What if this is for real, but I fuck it up because I'm not ready to date yet? Maybe I should wait. Or maybe dive right back in, because... YOLO, right? Oh hell, what's the damn point anyway, my heart's just gonna get broken again." etc. etc., ad infinitum.

It's a sucky situation, both for you and for her. As for next steps, I would probably just reply to that email with a very sympathetic and non-pressurey "Hey, breakups definitely suck. I totally understand the not-being-in-the-right-headspace thing. I had fun talking to you, maybe we'll run into each other again sometime!" and leave it at that for now. Maybe in a month or 2, email her something light again (maybe some funny link that reminded you of your conversation or whatever) in a "hey, how's it going?" kind of tone, and then see how she responds to that. If she's positive and chatty, you could invite her to a non-datey event and see how that goes.

She's probably just trying to do the right thing for herself, and it has nothing to do with jerking you around or trying to be coy or anything. The months that follow a bad breakup are often just really confusing and shitty.
posted by miss_kitty_fantastico at 9:04 PM on October 14, 2012 [1 favorite]


Personally, when I get out of a serious relationship, it's unhealthy for me to start dating right away - not just for me, but for the other person as well. It leads to comparisons, projecting things onto other people, and other such nonsense. Even if she liked you, it would be unfair for her to try to date you while in this headspace.

If I may ask, what are your precise motivations for keeping in touch with her? Are you trying to date her even though she's specifically said she's not ready to date right now? Are you trying to "be her friend" in the vague hope that when she's finally ready to date, she'll choose you? Do you accept that she just wants friendship and so you just want to be friends, or are you exclusively interested in sex/romance and thus ready to cut ties if that's not what she's looking for? It's hard to recommend a pragmatic solution without knowing the specific end result you're trying to achieve.

(I know that this is an anonymous question, but you can get a mod to reply for you if you want.)
posted by wolfdreams01 at 9:35 PM on October 14, 2012


I emailed her afterward and it turned out that she had just recently broken up with someone she had dated for several years and was just not in the right headspace.

And this should be a red flag right away. She's making an excuse, and this is so transparently false, just a white lie that we all kind of agree to believe but isn't true. She could've just as easily be in the right headspace because of a breakup (feeling free, open, etc). This euphemistic language is sort of lame and dishonest.

Having said that, if I were you I would email her just one more time; after that, the ball is in her court.
posted by zardoz at 9:52 PM on October 14, 2012


this is so transparently false

Respectfully, I disagree. One can totally be into someone but still think dating them *right now* would be a bad idea (e.g., for reasons like wolfdreams01 describes). I know this because for me at least, it has been true.
posted by miss_kitty_fantastico at 10:06 PM on October 14, 2012 [2 favorites]


A few years back, a good friend of mine was hurting from a bad breakup and decided she didn't want to date anyone for a year. Of course, she met a nice, cute guy during that time, and he asked her out. She told him about her situation, and he said, "ok, I'll ask you out at the end of the year," and he did, and they are now, years later, married.

Of course, that's not to say you should just wait around. But yes, take her seriously when she says she's not in the right headspace for dating. And don't wait around, but if you're still single in a few months, give it another shot.
posted by lunasol at 10:44 PM on October 14, 2012


And this should be a red flag right away. She's making an excuse, and this is so transparently false, just a white lie that we all kind of agree to believe but isn't true. She could've just as easily be in the right headspace because of a breakup (feeling free, open, etc). This euphemistic language is sort of lame and dishonest.

Whaaaa??? I don't see how there is anything "eupehemistic" about "I am not in the right headspace right now because of my breakup," it seems like an entirely simple and straightforward statement. I don't see how "I am not in the right headspace right now because of my breakup" is automatically a "transparently false" lie??? You not only know that it's a lie but it's a transparently false one at that?? Huh?? You don't think that ever happens to people or exists?

I will try to describe what it is like when you like someone but you are not in the right headspace because of your breakup. At least this is what it was like for me the last time I started trying to date way too soon after a breakup.

Did you ever have the experience of being homesick as a kid? Maybe you are at at camp, and you are running around with other kids and having a really good time, but suddenly you just get this pang like you wish you could just be at home with your family. You are eating and it could be really good food or something you don't usually get to eat but you wish you were at home having the dinner you usually have. You go to bed at night, and you can't sleep because you wish you were in YOUR bed. It could be a very nice bed you are in, but it's not your bed. You cry, and people come and try to comfort you, and they are so nice, but you wish it was your parents.

When one of my very serious relationships ended, I went out with some very nice and cute guys, but all I could think about was how it just felt really wrong to be out with them instead of with my boyfriend, both wrong in the sense of something being amiss/out of place, and wrong in the sense that I still had this residual feeling that I was being disloyal to the ex-boyfriend, a feeling that I was cheating on him in a way.

And more than that, I just felt like I would be so much more comfortable there with my ex-boyfriend, rather than this new person who I didn't really know. The feeling I had was, "oh, this guy is really great, but he's not MY guy." Like, "this bed I'm sleeping in at camp is a good bed but it's not MY bed."

I would look at their eyes, and their ears, and their hands, which were not quite like my ex-boyfriend's, and I felt a little weird about that. I smelled them, and they smelled different, and I felt weird about that. I knew, if I was already feeling weird about that stuff, I was nowhere near ready to get physical with any of these guys.

I was still thinking about the ex-boyfriend all the time. I was still emotional about the breakup all the time. Everything reminded me of him. We would go out to eat and I would remember when I went there to eat with my ex and feel really emotional. We would order drinks and I would remember what my ex would order and get emotional. I was not ready, I was not in the right head space. Really, really REALLY not in the right head space. I bet you would say the same if you had a window into what was going in my head space during those dates.

But these guys had no idea what was going on with me, and we had fucking awesome conversations, and they were really cute and I would have been overjoyed to date them at any other time. But I wasn't ready yet. So I stopped dating for a few months, until I actually was ready.

And then when I actually was ready I dated people and enjoyed it without all that stuff about the ex going on under my surface.

Okay, so to you, OP --

She... was just not in the right headspace. Which...okay. I understand that, but I also know we'd been having a pretty good time to that point, and really would have liked to have kept things going on that level, at that speed. Nothing serious!

But maybe even that level and that speed was too much for her and that's what she was saying. Maybe while she was talking, she was looking at your eyes and your hands and noticing your differences to her ex, and feeling weird and remembering things about her ex, and having weird pangs, even though she was still having an awesome conversation while all that was going on under the surface.

I disagree with everyone who says you should ask her on a date, because that is actually taking it FURTHER than what she already said that she wasn't in the right headspace for.

I don't intend to wait around for someone who I may or may not even see again to decide that it's time for her to be interested in dating someone

I definitely don't think you should "wait around" for her like you should cloister yourself like a nun and not date or be involved with anyone else until this girl is ready to date you, if at all. But it seemed just a bit like to you, her "deciding that it's time for her to be interested in dating someone" is kind of a stupid or weird thing for her to do, in your opinion? If that's how it seems to you, I would urge you to be more respectful of it. I mean, who else should decide when it's time for her to be interested in dating someone? Can't tell if that's what you meant, though.

Anyway --

What I'm trying to figure out is whether I should contact her again.

I would say so, definitely, if you want to. I would do one of these two things:

1. Say something like, "I think that you are an awesome person and I totally understand what you're saying about not being in the right headspace. What do you say if I check back in with you in a month or two?"

2. Just be her friend. Genuinely be her friend for no other reason than to get to know a cool person, and no eye toward possible future romance. Go into it with the attitude that if it happens down the line, that's cool, and if not, then you have a great new friend. Date other people during this time, if you meet other people you are into. Let her know, "I get what you are saying about not being in the right headspace. I still think you are really cool and I would love to hang out just as friends. In a few weeks I am thinking about going to _____, would you be interested in coming along?" I would suggest something a few weeks out at least so that it doesn't seem rushed and pressure-y. Good luck.
posted by cairdeas at 12:15 AM on October 15, 2012 [7 favorites]


cairdeas said what I wanted to say only about a million times more clearly. I have definitely been at that point where someone says something funny and I think "I have to remember that one so I can tell it to $my_ex when I get home..... wait..... fuck.... cry lots."

But also, "mutual friends were basically planning couples' vacations with us before long" WHAT??? That would make me feel awkward and pressured (by these friends) regardless of recent breakups. Joking about going on vacation together is like joking about getting married some day. Sure there's the occasional cute story about how someone did that on the first date and is celebrating their 20th anniversary now or something, but a more common response is to just run like hell.
posted by anaelith at 1:24 AM on October 15, 2012 [1 favorite]


Honestly, it doesn't sound to me like those signals were very mixed. She liked you, but she is not in the right headspace to begin a relationship right now in view of the recent breakup.

She likes you enough to be honest about that, and to not want to use you as a rebound, or to start something that will crash & burn because she wasn't ready for it/over the last relationship, whatever. She doesn't see this ending well because of where she's currently at following her breakup, and she has said so. Clearly.

I like cairdeas' suggestions for how to proceed - though I strongly suggest that you see if she's interested in friendship only if you think you can be a friend for her without trying to Nice Guy your way into her bed.

Invite her to group things, perhaps. You have mutual friends; presumably you will run into each other again. Keep meeting new people and dating and being generally great.

But at this point, the most respectful thing you can do with this particular woman is listen to her when she says she's not ready.

(I'm also raising an eyebrow at the mutual friends. I've been the one trying to get through a breakup, and having people planning my new coupledom because I talked to someone for longer than they expected or dared to smile while I was caught up in disentangling my life from someone else's, grieving a loss and processing the hurtful things my ex said - well, let's just say it's REALLY NOT HELPFUL.)
posted by Someone Else's Story at 2:23 AM on October 15, 2012 [1 favorite]


She just got out of a long-term relationship; it might be relevant to know a bit of the hows and whys of that breakup, especially if her former SO mistreated her or it was a nasty breakup. In either case, I could see someone being nervous about their next relationship.

Instead of a full-on Date, perhaps start with something smaller, like meeting for coffee or joining other friends for a movie --- heck, go to the zoo! The point being, less one-on-one pressure. She might be running scared and just needs a little time.
posted by easily confused at 3:11 AM on October 15, 2012


Dear Pretty Girl:

Ok, I get that you're not ready to date just yet. Thank you for being so honest. I really enjoyed talking with you, and you seem like the kind of girl that I would like to date if I had the chance, and we seemed to connect well. May I ask you out to coffee in a few weeks? I promise that, if you prefer, you won't hear from me until then, and if you don't think it's a good idea, that's fine too. Whatever you decide you're comfortable with, that's what I'll do. Just let me know.

Preferred Closing,
Anonymous
posted by windykites at 4:52 AM on October 15, 2012 [3 favorites]


My advice would be to find a fun concert you want to go to regardless if she's there and invite her to come with you. Make it light, friendly, and just a chance to have some fun. If she says yes, great, if not, don't contact her again.
posted by Rodrigo Lamaitre at 5:06 AM on October 15, 2012


I think she's not interested in you and is trying to be polite about it. Some people chat at parties just because they are chatty people, or they like the attention. Sorry but my take on this is that if she wanted to date you she would have responded more positively to your email. I'd let it go.
posted by emd3737 at 5:36 AM on October 15, 2012


When you're in a situation like this, always keep in mind the following things:
(a) You are genetically predisposed to believe that she likey-likes you back, or will in the future, to some degree, NO MATTER HOW SHE SAYS NO TO YOU. You keep on looking for any "yes" sign you can here.
(b) Women have learned from horrendous experience that they need to say "no" to guys in a nicey-nice, hinting, mealymouthed, excuse-making-up way so that hopefully they won't be offended and go all psychotic on you. Because we never know what guy is going to go nutbar when we say no.

Which is to say:
Whether or not she is still actually reeling from a breakup or not, SHE SAID NO. This could be true, or it could be a polite excuse. I don't know which. But overall, SHE SAID NO. Please take that no as a no, not as a "not now" or "in a few weeks" or "She was totally flirting with me at that party, it's gonna happen!" Don't go around holding out hope for this one. Move on as if she said "no, never, I'm a lesbian" and don't pine for her.

Yes, theoretically this could change in the future. If you run into her again months from now, perhaps. But right now, don't follow up on it. Nobody likes getting pressured to date again and when it happened to me when I wasn't ready--and let's just say under the circumstances he should have darned well known I wasn't--I was totally horrified at the dude for asking and never wanted to date him. You really need to just let this go as if it has no future, and perhaps be pleasantly surprised months or years from now if she changes her mind. But right now, leave her be. She'll appreciate it if you're not a pusher, and a lot of guys are pushers. Don't be that guy.
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:29 AM on October 15, 2012


She said no. You have no idea what kind of timeframe she's looking at here, in terms of getting over things, but if it's a recent breakup and they were together for several years then it's probably going to be a really really long while before she's ready to date again.

What matters here, though, is that she indicated a lack of interest - by giving you reasons, she was trying to let you down gently. That sucks! Believe me, I know. It's not easy to reconcile fact with the experience you had, because it was fun and your friends were all "wooo" like a live studio audience on a sitcom when people have chemistry and there it is. But, and this is the only part that actually matters, she said no.

If she wants to date you or hang out again, she'll make it happen. She knows how to contact you. You put yourself out there, you got an answer, and you're still alive. This is a good thing, and it's further than a lot of people make it. My advice to you is maybe just go to more parties. If you're cool and friendly and easy to talk to, this sort of thing isn't uncommon.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 10:29 AM on October 15, 2012


I think you should immediately factor out any advice/suggestions from any of the couples you mention in your post. Couples tend to have their own agendas and tend to think they know what is best for their single friends, at least, in my experience. It sounds like they are really hoping you two will be a couple, which would make *them* very happy, and it sounds like they want it to happen ASAP so that you can all do couple-y things together and yay life!

Please make sure you base all your choices on how you truly feel, and on the information the woman herself has given you. Beyond that, I can offer no suggestion.
posted by Brody's chum at 11:40 AM on October 15, 2012


I can't tell if you "not in the right headspace" is a euphemism or not, but it doesn't really matter what her motivation is. She's telling you that now is not the time, regardless.

I'd second waiting for her to contact you, with maybe a follow-up email in a couple of weeks that keeps it really really light. But I only advise that if you are able to get to the point where you're also taking it lightly. Language like "I don't want to wait around" is the kind you use when contemplating whether to take a relationship long-distance, for instance, not about a girl you've had a single long conversation with.
posted by ziggly at 1:01 PM on October 15, 2012 [1 favorite]


She said no. I'm not going to speculate whether she could change her mind, but at minimum, the ball is in her court and you should leave it there. If you can't handle the uncertainty, then write it off in your own mind and move on.
posted by J. Wilson at 4:28 PM on October 15, 2012


Sounds like your mutual friends are being all match-makey. Which people loooove to do to their newly single friends regardless of the relationship-readiness of said friends.

If I were her (and I have been) I would feel pressured if someone wanted something romantic from me too soon after a breakup. However, if they contacted me again in a few months for a simple coffee date, I'd be really flattered, and think highly of that person for respecting my space.

If you're still interested in oh, about three months, ask her out. You may have better luck later. It really takes a while to push the reset button on emotional openness. When people aren't over their ex, it's a reason, not an excuse.
posted by xenophile at 4:45 PM on October 15, 2012 [1 favorite]


« Older I have a 1994 Nissan Altima. ...   |  Could you point me in the dire... Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.