How to address fear of ending up with another alcoholic partner.
October 10, 2012 9:59 AM Subscribe
How do you know if someone might drink more than you are comfortable with if you do not live together? Or am I still bruised from my previous relationship?
posted by anonymous to human relations (16 answers total)
As someone who was previously in a relationship with an alcoholic (leading to classic trust issues, codependency...worked out mostly through individual therapy) how do I assess the following: 1) if I am merely hyper-aware of others' alcohol intake and worrying based on my own history and 2) how much my partner drinks alone at home?
My partner and I are considering moving in together. When we are together, my partner does not drink excessively very often at all. That does not concern me in the least. We both like to drink at times, socially and not socially. I am afraid that my partner might drink a lot more when alone at home.
I am fully aware that this is a fear of mine based on past experiences. However, I do not want to end up in a situation where we are living together and only then do I realize just how much my partner drinks. The situation we are in does not allow for any kind of trial "let's see how this goes" period; when we move in together, it is for good.
I am currently thinking my first question is the real issue here and I would love to throw out #2, but I am terrified of ending up in another codependent relationship. Looking back, I DO remember seeing signs that my ex-partner had a problem with alcohol. I do NOT see those signs with my current partner. Which leaves me wondering: Are there others signs?
A complicating factor is that, like a huge portion of the population, my partner likes alcohol. This is where I go fuzzy and go between feeling rational and irrational due to my fears.
I know there are no guarantees in life, but I don't want to ignore what I am afraid of. I would love to talk to my partner about this in a way that does make anyone feel accused, shamed, etc. Maybe that is what I should be focusing on.