Am I going about online dating correctly?
October 8, 2012 7:02 PM Subscribe
This online dating thing is sort of working out, in that I'm getting dates with great people, but it never seems to move beyond 3-4 dates and I'm getting the kind of vagueness I got when I was in high school. How aggressive do I need to be?
posted by anonymous to human relations (24 answers total) 10 users marked this as a favorite
I'm a late 20s male...
I got sort of tired of hookups at the bar scene, and got into online dating a couple months ago. I've learned to filter the social outcasts, and non-normal people (while non-normal is great I don't need people with a lot of problems). I've gone on a lot of dates but here's how it seems to go:
- I get a lot of positive feedback, and get sort of dragged on a lot of dates where there's not a lot of sexual intimacy but things go good. I sort of reach a point where I'm tired of taking it slow (I'm talking 10-11 dates) and push the issue, and get a, "Just not into you but let's be best friends!" sort of thing. Sort of gotten better at weeding this out.
- I always find myself always initiating dates, which makes me a bit apprehensive, but I get a lot of text/online feedback after the first couple of dates. The dates go great, and I get a lot of conversation but hit a wall when trying to plan date 4+.
So basically I get a lot of dates, really great dates, but get a lot of vagueness and a "I'm busy this week," type of thing. I've been a lot more clear in whether or not I'm interested in being more than just friends, "I really enjoying hang out with you!" and then vagueness or, "Yeah I had a great time!" but when I ask when we will hang out again it gets evasive.
I'm used to having a great date on Friday/Saturday, getting good or negative feedback, and then immediately trying to figure out when we'll get together. Without fail, with online dating, everyone seems really busy and too cool for school, followed by perhaps an intense date, and I always feel like the pursuer. It really feels like when I was in high school or college and the people I dated didn't know what they wanted.
Is this normal? Anyway to get around this? Part of me is being practical, dating is expensive and if by the 2-3 date you're not interested in being more than friends, I want to suss this out. Would it be wrong to cut things off by the 2-3 date without blatant sexual contact (beyond making out)? I guess what it boils down to is that I have a very active, vibrant social life. I have a lot of friends, I don't want to make more friends of the opposite sex, I want to date someone. I don't want to spend two months trying to figure out if the person has any interest or not.
Is this how things normally work out, should I be more aggressive and if so how? Or will being more aggressive turn people off?
And to tell you that I'm thinking too hard on this, when I've had usual one night stands or dates with people in real life, which I've been on a lot, I can tell really quickly whether or not they are interested. Online dating has baffled me, but I've only been on 12-13 online dates? Perhaps too small a number?
Sorry if this sounds rambling, but I feel as if I regressed 10 years overnight, this might just be the nature of dating strangers on the Internet. Starting to get frustrated with online dating, and I'm trying to figure out if it is me or if I'm approaching it wrong.