Trapped in a pigeonhole
October 7, 2012 2:42 AM Subscribe
How do you draw boundaries when you don't have the grounds to? Specific to first-gen East Asian immigrant family...
posted by ichomp to society & culture (9 answers total)
As my past questions reveal, I do not have a full-time job right now. Having one and being able to support myself would give me more ground to draw boundaries between me and my parents. By living at their house and relying on them right now, I have to deal with their nagging and what they say/do-- it's the necessary trade-off (and I understand that they want me to be independent too).
However, I think by giving me more space to conduct the job search, I could be more effective. For example, I feel very unonfortable and Incompetent when they tell me what to wear and what today before interviews. Today, my dad took my resume and started editing it without my giving the resume to him, and my parents want me to apply to very specific jobs short of applying FOR me themselves.
Despite their good intentions, their actions are very condescending and makes me feel very underestimated. Because I live at home, they know when I go to interviews and their attention makes me feel very incompetent, which comes across in interviews; and when I don't get the job, they know and it further confirms their (lack of) belief in me. But I can't tell them to back off b/c I do depend on them-- so this feels like something I can't get out of.
How do I deal with this? I don't mind having to search A LOT before finding a job-- but when my parents see me failing it makes me think I'll always fail, and I am depressed living in their pigeonhole for me. I know i am more confident and capable when they aren't around. How do I set boundaries when I don't have the grounds to? And when building the grounds will require them giving me the space to?
(I want to talk to a therapist about this in the long run. Also, I think my parents being 1st gen Immigrants who are scared of uncertainty plays a big role in this too.)