How do I get over that my ex boyfriend is now more confident, but at my expense.
September 30, 2012 6:38 AM Subscribe
How do I get over the fact that my ex boyfriend is now more outgoing and confident, but at my expense? When we started dating, he was quiet, aloof, thoughtful. When he ended it (out of the blue), he devalued me and tossed me away like garbage. He never looked back, but is now so much more confident and seemingly happier. I'm having a hard time dealing with this.
So my ex and I dated for a year and have now been broken up for about 9 months. We fell for each other hard and I thought he was the one (we are both in our mid-20s). We were friends first, but he was always extremely shy. If we were all out at a party, he would just be a wallflower and not talk to anyone. I didn't even realize he was interested in me until a mutual friend told me. Then, I had to make all the first moves. Once we started dating, however, he was completely different: he opened up and was more affectionate. He told me he loved me first, we made plans together, met each other's families and traveled. For most of the relationship, he was an amazing boyfriend.
Friends always wondered what I saw in him, because I was very outgoing and social and he was quiet and aloof. It just worked though; we clicked. He was smart and thoughtful. A major problem in our relationship, however, was his lack of confidence. While he always complimented me, he would tell me that I would never marry him and that I had horrible taste because I dated him. He always complained about his looks as well although he's very attractive. I was his first serious girlfriend.
By the end, the relationship completely blew up out of the blue. I could tell he was withdrawing some, but didn't expect what happened. He had secretly held all this resentment against me, confessed that he always told me what I wanted to hear, told me the spark was gone and I never showed him that I loved him. This was after he verbally devalued me (basically, I was a horrible person). A week before he had told me how much he loved me and then this? I think he may have cheated, but I'm not positive. I was devastated and heart broken- shocked. Once it was done, he never looked back; never reached out. The few times I tried, he seemed so bitter and blamed me for everything. I see him out occasionally, sometimes he says hello and other times he just ignores me .
Now, I hear from friends how he's so much more outgoing now and social and that he's completely moved on from me. He drinks and parties all the time. He's expressed interest and flirted with my girlfriends in front of me. I've been definitely trying to move on- dating again. It's still been a struggle. His lack of empathy is unnerving and I'm still very angry and sad that the relationship has resulted to this. I've been trying to do a lot of soul searching, but I can't make sense of this. I feel like I was the catalyst to feed his ego and now that he used me and discarded me, he's so much happier.
So my ex and I dated for a year and have now been broken up for about 9 months. We fell for each other hard and I thought he was the one (we are both in our mid-20s). We were friends first, but he was always extremely shy. If we were all out at a party, he would just be a wallflower and not talk to anyone. I didn't even realize he was interested in me until a mutual friend told me. Then, I had to make all the first moves. Once we started dating, however, he was completely different: he opened up and was more affectionate. He told me he loved me first, we made plans together, met each other's families and traveled. For most of the relationship, he was an amazing boyfriend.
Friends always wondered what I saw in him, because I was very outgoing and social and he was quiet and aloof. It just worked though; we clicked. He was smart and thoughtful. A major problem in our relationship, however, was his lack of confidence. While he always complimented me, he would tell me that I would never marry him and that I had horrible taste because I dated him. He always complained about his looks as well although he's very attractive. I was his first serious girlfriend.
By the end, the relationship completely blew up out of the blue. I could tell he was withdrawing some, but didn't expect what happened. He had secretly held all this resentment against me, confessed that he always told me what I wanted to hear, told me the spark was gone and I never showed him that I loved him. This was after he verbally devalued me (basically, I was a horrible person). A week before he had told me how much he loved me and then this? I think he may have cheated, but I'm not positive. I was devastated and heart broken- shocked. Once it was done, he never looked back; never reached out. The few times I tried, he seemed so bitter and blamed me for everything. I see him out occasionally, sometimes he says hello and other times he just ignores me .
Now, I hear from friends how he's so much more outgoing now and social and that he's completely moved on from me. He drinks and parties all the time. He's expressed interest and flirted with my girlfriends in front of me. I've been definitely trying to move on- dating again. It's still been a struggle. His lack of empathy is unnerving and I'm still very angry and sad that the relationship has resulted to this. I've been trying to do a lot of soul searching, but I can't make sense of this. I feel like I was the catalyst to feed his ego and now that he used me and discarded me, he's so much happier.
You're seeing his outsides and your insides. You mention that he had some esteem issues when you were dating - I suspect that those didn't just magically disappear, he may have just gotten better at papering over them with extraverted behavior.
posted by momus_window at 6:48 AM on September 30, 2012 [25 favorites]
posted by momus_window at 6:48 AM on September 30, 2012 [25 favorites]
From where I'm sitting it sounds like he's got some pretty substantial issues to work out in general.
posted by Chutzler at 6:52 AM on September 30, 2012 [8 favorites]
posted by Chutzler at 6:52 AM on September 30, 2012 [8 favorites]
It may just be the alcohol.
posted by jaguar at 7:00 AM on September 30, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by jaguar at 7:00 AM on September 30, 2012 [3 favorites]
In my experience, people who "drink and party" with wild abandon are not healthy individuals. It sure sounds like he is covering to me.
posted by zug at 7:02 AM on September 30, 2012 [19 favorites]
posted by zug at 7:02 AM on September 30, 2012 [19 favorites]
I feel like I was the catalyst to feed his ego and now that he used me and discarded me, he's so much happier.
If this is what he is taking away from the relationship, an ego boost, consider yourself well rid of him. Relationships (and moreover, breakups) should teach us something about ourselves. Like Chutzler said, he sounds like he has some substantial issues, and getting an ego boost from a breakup is pretty shallow and petty. I have dated men that were quiet and shy, but being cruel and aggressive toward me during the breakup seemed to give them a temporary, twisted sense of power and confidence. Many times these were guys who felt the world was set against them or had been victims of bullying. It's a sign of emotional immaturity and unresolved pain. Pity him.
(I am generally complimentary about sexual things to men--harmless ego boosting--and I felt sick when I found out an ex was using my words/compliments to impress women of his sexual prowess. I guess all guys do this, but it made me angry that I boosted his ego TOO much.)
In the off chance this is a shift in personality for the better, take comfort that you were a catalyst.
Don't worry about what he is doing. Think about what you can take away from this relationship, and apply it to romantic relationships, friendships and family. And make sure it's more substantial than "partying is fun!".
posted by peacrow at 7:06 AM on September 30, 2012 [6 favorites]
If this is what he is taking away from the relationship, an ego boost, consider yourself well rid of him. Relationships (and moreover, breakups) should teach us something about ourselves. Like Chutzler said, he sounds like he has some substantial issues, and getting an ego boost from a breakup is pretty shallow and petty. I have dated men that were quiet and shy, but being cruel and aggressive toward me during the breakup seemed to give them a temporary, twisted sense of power and confidence. Many times these were guys who felt the world was set against them or had been victims of bullying. It's a sign of emotional immaturity and unresolved pain. Pity him.
(I am generally complimentary about sexual things to men--harmless ego boosting--and I felt sick when I found out an ex was using my words/compliments to impress women of his sexual prowess. I guess all guys do this, but it made me angry that I boosted his ego TOO much.)
In the off chance this is a shift in personality for the better, take comfort that you were a catalyst.
Don't worry about what he is doing. Think about what you can take away from this relationship, and apply it to romantic relationships, friendships and family. And make sure it's more substantial than "partying is fun!".
posted by peacrow at 7:06 AM on September 30, 2012 [6 favorites]
Briefly: you seem to be describing a person who is immature, who was going around denigrating himself inwardly, finding himself unworthy of the relationship he was in. It is very easy for a person in this situation to push the responsibility for their negative feelings and self-image off on their partner. So perhaps in the process of asserting himself against these feelings, against his passive and introverted nature, you did indeed end up being "the fall guy" and villain, the catalyst for a change in his personality. Which may be moving him towards some sort of better more actualized person - or not (drinking and partying "all the time" is not evidence of being in a better place in life in my book, and flirting with your girlfriends in your presence is just the behavior of an asshole).
So you can put what happened in that box, declare it unjust. But you're not going to really figure him out because you're not in his head and he's out of your life for good.
What you really need to do, the path to getting over it, is to stop trying to figure him or the relationship out, and expunge him from your life to the greatest extent possible. If your friends are telling you about him tell them you don't want to hear about him. Avoid hanging out where he's going to be. Avoid him in social media: turn off updates from mutual friends for a while if that's what it takes. He's not your problem anymore, and frankly it sounds like good riddance to me. Focus your soul searching on what you want, what you hope for and aspire to. Thinking about him or trying to figure him out is just telling your brain he's still important. In a few months you'll be at the point where you've been suffering over the end of this relationship longer than it lasted. Don't accept this situation. Do whatever you can to remove him from your life and make a conscious effort to think about something else when he shows up in your thoughts.
posted by nanojath at 7:08 AM on September 30, 2012 [4 favorites]
So you can put what happened in that box, declare it unjust. But you're not going to really figure him out because you're not in his head and he's out of your life for good.
What you really need to do, the path to getting over it, is to stop trying to figure him or the relationship out, and expunge him from your life to the greatest extent possible. If your friends are telling you about him tell them you don't want to hear about him. Avoid hanging out where he's going to be. Avoid him in social media: turn off updates from mutual friends for a while if that's what it takes. He's not your problem anymore, and frankly it sounds like good riddance to me. Focus your soul searching on what you want, what you hope for and aspire to. Thinking about him or trying to figure him out is just telling your brain he's still important. In a few months you'll be at the point where you've been suffering over the end of this relationship longer than it lasted. Don't accept this situation. Do whatever you can to remove him from your life and make a conscious effort to think about something else when he shows up in your thoughts.
posted by nanojath at 7:08 AM on September 30, 2012 [4 favorites]
The way he ended your relationship was shitty and you didn't see it coming. That happens in relationships and it has everything to do with him, not you. I'd be trying to make sense of it too, and I'd also be upset to see that he's out there seemingly having a good time and moving on. He's revealed who he really is, and it doesn't sound like someone you'd want to be with. Allow yourself to move forward and live your life. The more time you spend focusing on him, the further you are from finding a satisfying relationship.
posted by Sal and Richard at 7:11 AM on September 30, 2012 [8 favorites]
posted by Sal and Richard at 7:11 AM on September 30, 2012 [8 favorites]
With all due respect, I think advice about forgetting him and forgetting this relationship, being all "whaddaya gonna do, it's your twenties," is off the mark. Just accepting it and moving on is what your actions should be. What your feelings and thoughts should be is an entirely different matter, and they are equally important, if not more. I made this mistake in my youth, and for years I just squelched a horrible situation instead of really understanding what the problem was in it. If I had done that, relating to men might have been much saner and easier for me for years.
I don't necessarily think he's a POS. (I suspect so, but I've only got one party's version of events.) What I do think is that what he did to you is a lot like gaslighting. He manipulated your mental state to suit himself in the first place, and when he was tired of you for his own reasons, he snapped into All-Your-Fault mode (with a side serving of I-Never-Loved-You) and took off. A lot of people, especially young men, aren't raised to understand the import of their own emotions, or their own actions in the emotional lives of other people. When people like that start having relationships, they handle people the way that toddlers handle toys. Toddlers have an excuse, though. This guy didn't.
He was cruel to you and you were hurt. You're angry and sad and you should be. Your hurt is not your fault, but it is your responsibility. Somehow, I think you'll manage it fine. You sound very responsible to me.
posted by Countess Elena at 7:20 AM on September 30, 2012 [22 favorites]
I don't necessarily think he's a POS. (I suspect so, but I've only got one party's version of events.) What I do think is that what he did to you is a lot like gaslighting. He manipulated your mental state to suit himself in the first place, and when he was tired of you for his own reasons, he snapped into All-Your-Fault mode (with a side serving of I-Never-Loved-You) and took off. A lot of people, especially young men, aren't raised to understand the import of their own emotions, or their own actions in the emotional lives of other people. When people like that start having relationships, they handle people the way that toddlers handle toys. Toddlers have an excuse, though. This guy didn't.
He was cruel to you and you were hurt. You're angry and sad and you should be. Your hurt is not your fault, but it is your responsibility. Somehow, I think you'll manage it fine. You sound very responsible to me.
posted by Countess Elena at 7:20 AM on September 30, 2012 [22 favorites]
He didn't like who he used to be. That you did, at first, saved him and allowed him to grow but he couldn't really come to terms with the person he was (and still is, he will likely some day discover) and had to disown it, and consequentially, you with it. He thinks that's all past, and you who knew that person is past too--a past he believes he has escaped.
Don't wait around for him to figure this out. And in the future, be more careful getting involved with someone who finds himself that undesirable.
posted by Obscure Reference at 7:40 AM on September 30, 2012 [18 favorites]
Don't wait around for him to figure this out. And in the future, be more careful getting involved with someone who finds himself that undesirable.
posted by Obscure Reference at 7:40 AM on September 30, 2012 [18 favorites]
Sounds like the very dictionary definition of passive-aggressive to me. He chose to tell you everything you wanted to hear, rather than tell it like it really was; chose to bend himself out of shape for the sake of dating you. And when his chosen course (surprise, surprise) made him unhappy...and he blamed you for it? Right.
If what he said in his ungraceful breakup was true, well yes, of course you thought it was fabulous while it lasted. He expressly went out of his way to make you feel that way--but at some expense to himself. What he doesn't get was that it wasn't you that was "robbing" him; he was doing that to himself.
It'd be kind to chalk it up to his immaturity. People can learn and grow out of this, eventually come to realize that it takes two to make a good and real relationship, that conflict is inevitable and healthy and needs to be daylighted and dealt with. That how you *navigate* that is what makes it or breaks it. But from here (in my mid 40s, with views into the lives and loves and marital dissolutions of people in their 50s and 60s...), man, some people never learn.
Sounds like you learned a hard lesson too. Let me give you some advice, as a super-outgoing person who's been burned this way by seemingly wonderful but shy guys too: don't make all the moves. Just don't. It's absolutely terrific to be outgoing and socially adroit, don't get me wrong. Nothing wrong with making the first pitch. Nothing wrong with don't some of the initiating. But don't do all of it. If he doesn't have the gumption to meet you at least halfway, eventually he's going to feel steamrolled and it will come back to bite you.
Yeah, well rid of this guy. Chalk it up to experience and move on. Good luck.
posted by Sublimity at 7:44 AM on September 30, 2012 [13 favorites]
If what he said in his ungraceful breakup was true, well yes, of course you thought it was fabulous while it lasted. He expressly went out of his way to make you feel that way--but at some expense to himself. What he doesn't get was that it wasn't you that was "robbing" him; he was doing that to himself.
It'd be kind to chalk it up to his immaturity. People can learn and grow out of this, eventually come to realize that it takes two to make a good and real relationship, that conflict is inevitable and healthy and needs to be daylighted and dealt with. That how you *navigate* that is what makes it or breaks it. But from here (in my mid 40s, with views into the lives and loves and marital dissolutions of people in their 50s and 60s...), man, some people never learn.
Sounds like you learned a hard lesson too. Let me give you some advice, as a super-outgoing person who's been burned this way by seemingly wonderful but shy guys too: don't make all the moves. Just don't. It's absolutely terrific to be outgoing and socially adroit, don't get me wrong. Nothing wrong with making the first pitch. Nothing wrong with don't some of the initiating. But don't do all of it. If he doesn't have the gumption to meet you at least halfway, eventually he's going to feel steamrolled and it will come back to bite you.
Yeah, well rid of this guy. Chalk it up to experience and move on. Good luck.
posted by Sublimity at 7:44 AM on September 30, 2012 [13 favorites]
This resembles a more familiar pattern of overtly jealous partner, but instead of having inevitable fantasies of betrayal with other people, he suffers of fantasies of other kinds of devaluation. These fears he can't help and cannot handle yet, and his solution was to assume that they were based on something real and leave the relationship. I guess the same fear will return in his next relationships and slowly he will learn to manage them. But it is not your responsibility, any more than it would be your responsibility to second-guess triggers of overtly jealous partner.
posted by Free word order! at 7:48 AM on September 30, 2012
posted by Free word order! at 7:48 AM on September 30, 2012
People change a lot in their early twenties, full stop. I think it's a mistake to imagine that this change has anything to do with you. You're better off focusing on how you've changed since then, or how you would like to. As well as all the ways in which you're better off now.
posted by hermitosis at 8:05 AM on September 30, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by hermitosis at 8:05 AM on September 30, 2012 [3 favorites]
He's a jerk and a POS that was sculpted into the form of a human being. Luckily, you're done with him. He's really messed up, and years down the line, he's going to look back and feel extremely bad about being such an asshole to you. He'll feel really ashamed of himself.
posted by discopolo at 8:05 AM on September 30, 2012
posted by discopolo at 8:05 AM on September 30, 2012
"He drinks and parties all the time. He's expressed interest and flirted with my girlfriends in front of me."
Wow--a petty, cruel, immature alcoholic with no real interests who gets his sense of self-validation from others. And gee, what's not to like about a passive-aggressive whiner who's into manipulating and devaluing people? What a keeper!!
Seriously, you should thank your lucky stars he's moved on. You'll hurt less when you accept there wasn't anything you could have done to make this work. Why blame yourself for his failures and inadequacies?
He's using your empathy against you. Cut it off. Life's too short and you deserve much, much better.
posted by doreur at 8:07 AM on September 30, 2012 [9 favorites]
Wow--a petty, cruel, immature alcoholic with no real interests who gets his sense of self-validation from others. And gee, what's not to like about a passive-aggressive whiner who's into manipulating and devaluing people? What a keeper!!
Seriously, you should thank your lucky stars he's moved on. You'll hurt less when you accept there wasn't anything you could have done to make this work. Why blame yourself for his failures and inadequacies?
He's using your empathy against you. Cut it off. Life's too short and you deserve much, much better.
posted by doreur at 8:07 AM on September 30, 2012 [9 favorites]
First of all, a couple of facts. Relationships almost never end leaving both parties feeling equally "joyous" about the break-up. Sometimes they do, but it's rare. Usually, one person bears the brunt of the pain. Sometimes, something as simple as "not being the person that did the breaking up" can cause a ton of pain to one party, and seemingly empower the other. So, by recognizing that you are going through something normal, you're taking a big step. Calm down. You're having normal feelings.
The way he ended your relationship was shitty and you didn't see it coming.
This kind of stuff always happens. People are complicated. Stop taking this so personal. Stop playing psychologist - you don't know what's going on inside his head, or anyone else's for that matter. And chances are, if you broke up with somebody once, maybe it rocked their world but you didnt even notice. Dwelling on whether he was being shitty - or the concept that someone dumped you and magically turned into a better person, and trying to square that away with what a wonderful person you are and shoulda, coulda, woulda - is a complete waste of time. You are going to fry your brain trying to wrap it around that. Your heart is still beating - there might be a thorn in it - but it beats regardless. You don't have to concentrate, you don't have to think about it, it will keep on beating. This is a nice feature to have and things will get better with time. Don't forget to find some humor in this situation. Just try to make yourself available for someone better who might come along - and trust me when I say, you're going to look back at this and realize you dodged a bullet.
Here's one huuuuuuuuge tip. This one comes from experience. Never, and I mean never, let someone take your inventory. People are entitled to their opinions. But connecting what somebody says about you with how you feel yourself - or letting it shape your self-esteem - nuh-uh, that is some bullshit. No one who ever says anything about you like this knows what they are talking about. You need to erect a boundary there. I know that when someone really gets to know you and you want to be with them, you listen to the shit they say on their way out and bounce it around your head for months - happened to a friend of mine recently. You are in no way limited like that. Anything is possible. God did not put you on this earth to suffer. While self-appraisal is a great thing, and a personal process worth pursuing, it should not be invaded or shaped by anyone who cuts you down with their words. No matter how good their reason is. Accept this and it is very empowering. Good luck!
posted by phaedon at 8:08 AM on September 30, 2012 [10 favorites]
The way he ended your relationship was shitty and you didn't see it coming.
This kind of stuff always happens. People are complicated. Stop taking this so personal. Stop playing psychologist - you don't know what's going on inside his head, or anyone else's for that matter. And chances are, if you broke up with somebody once, maybe it rocked their world but you didnt even notice. Dwelling on whether he was being shitty - or the concept that someone dumped you and magically turned into a better person, and trying to square that away with what a wonderful person you are and shoulda, coulda, woulda - is a complete waste of time. You are going to fry your brain trying to wrap it around that. Your heart is still beating - there might be a thorn in it - but it beats regardless. You don't have to concentrate, you don't have to think about it, it will keep on beating. This is a nice feature to have and things will get better with time. Don't forget to find some humor in this situation. Just try to make yourself available for someone better who might come along - and trust me when I say, you're going to look back at this and realize you dodged a bullet.
Here's one huuuuuuuuge tip. This one comes from experience. Never, and I mean never, let someone take your inventory. People are entitled to their opinions. But connecting what somebody says about you with how you feel yourself - or letting it shape your self-esteem - nuh-uh, that is some bullshit. No one who ever says anything about you like this knows what they are talking about. You need to erect a boundary there. I know that when someone really gets to know you and you want to be with them, you listen to the shit they say on their way out and bounce it around your head for months - happened to a friend of mine recently. You are in no way limited like that. Anything is possible. God did not put you on this earth to suffer. While self-appraisal is a great thing, and a personal process worth pursuing, it should not be invaded or shaped by anyone who cuts you down with their words. No matter how good their reason is. Accept this and it is very empowering. Good luck!
posted by phaedon at 8:08 AM on September 30, 2012 [10 favorites]
You can deal with it by thanking your lucky stars that you didn't marry him.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 8:11 AM on September 30, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 8:11 AM on September 30, 2012 [3 favorites]
It is hard to just flip a switch and care deeply about him and what he thinks of you one minute, and then the next minute decide he's a jerk who doesn't know what he's talking about.
Now, from what you say, it does sound like he's a jerk who doesn't know what he's talking about, as phaedon puts it. Yes, I get that breakups hurt and all that, but there are ways of breaking up that make you feel like you've been treated with the maximum respect possible in the circumstances. And breakups that don't make you feel that way. He didn't have to prepare a PowerPoint presentation on what he thought your flaws were on the way out the door.
I agree about not taking 100% of the initiative and, instead, making sure the guy meets you at least halfway. There's a reason why "shy", "socially awkward" guys dream of women doing this and say how much they would love it and how flattered they would be. It's a refusal to take their share of the responsibility and, as you've seen, relationships tend to end as they began - in this case, with him putting it all on you.
The flirting with other women in front of you? That's just mean. Of course it hurts you. I don't think dismissing this as an inevitable part of breaking up, or being in your twenties, or whatever, is all that helpful. It's not like he doesn't know it's mean, he's not a toddler.
posted by tel3path at 8:15 AM on September 30, 2012 [2 favorites]
Now, from what you say, it does sound like he's a jerk who doesn't know what he's talking about, as phaedon puts it. Yes, I get that breakups hurt and all that, but there are ways of breaking up that make you feel like you've been treated with the maximum respect possible in the circumstances. And breakups that don't make you feel that way. He didn't have to prepare a PowerPoint presentation on what he thought your flaws were on the way out the door.
I agree about not taking 100% of the initiative and, instead, making sure the guy meets you at least halfway. There's a reason why "shy", "socially awkward" guys dream of women doing this and say how much they would love it and how flattered they would be. It's a refusal to take their share of the responsibility and, as you've seen, relationships tend to end as they began - in this case, with him putting it all on you.
The flirting with other women in front of you? That's just mean. Of course it hurts you. I don't think dismissing this as an inevitable part of breaking up, or being in your twenties, or whatever, is all that helpful. It's not like he doesn't know it's mean, he's not a toddler.
posted by tel3path at 8:15 AM on September 30, 2012 [2 favorites]
Butterflye 1010, something extremely similar happened to me. We were together longer than you, were actually living together and engaged, and we are older than you. We were going to be long-distance for a year, and after one week long-distance, he ended it just as cruelly as your ex did. I know this is going to sound cliche and unhelpful, but you really do need to get over him and stop trying to figure him out.( You will never figure him out because he's fucked in the head. Although it may help you to do some reading on passive aggressive emotional abuse. You will see your ex's actions reflected in what you find.) It's been 9 months and you were only together a year.
I got over my ex four months after the break up, but my method may or may not work for you. It was extremely simple. I had a rebound fling. With my roommate. It worked. If you're not into that kind of thing or you think you will end up getting emotionally attached to the new guy, then don't do it. Otherwise, just find a guy who's nice to have some fun with for a few days. It felt great, we ended it on an awesome note when I left the country, and we're still friends.
And yes, like weapons-grade pandemonium said, thank your lucky stars you didn't marry the dude. You are way better off. Me-mail me if you want to talk.
posted by Enchanting Grasshopper at 8:39 AM on September 30, 2012 [2 favorites]
I got over my ex four months after the break up, but my method may or may not work for you. It was extremely simple. I had a rebound fling. With my roommate. It worked. If you're not into that kind of thing or you think you will end up getting emotionally attached to the new guy, then don't do it. Otherwise, just find a guy who's nice to have some fun with for a few days. It felt great, we ended it on an awesome note when I left the country, and we're still friends.
And yes, like weapons-grade pandemonium said, thank your lucky stars you didn't marry the dude. You are way better off. Me-mail me if you want to talk.
posted by Enchanting Grasshopper at 8:39 AM on September 30, 2012 [2 favorites]
you need therapy. you get over your ex boyfriend's new confidence by not seeing it as a problem for you in the first place. you need to reframe the whole situation, because i think you're really seeing it the wrong way. focusing on what your EX boyfriend is doing and thinking is not good for you.
would you rather he not be confident? that he was miserable all the time? is that what you want? is that the kind of person you want to be?
my ex boyfriend is now more outgoing and confident, my ex boyfriend is now more outgoing and confident, but at my expense?
you dated, you broke up, and now he's different. i don't see how it's at your expense. what did he take from you that was out of the norm of the give and take from any other relationship? are you saying you got nothing out of the relationship while it was going on? is he suppose to compensate you in someway because he seems better off after your relationship than before?
he verbally devalued me (basically, I was a horrible person)
he told you his opinion of you, which apparently, isn't very high. but, you he didn't devalue you, you still have the same value you always had.
--- that's kind of what i mean by reframing it. sorry if it seems too tough-love-y.
posted by cupcake1337 at 8:50 AM on September 30, 2012 [2 favorites]
would you rather he not be confident? that he was miserable all the time? is that what you want? is that the kind of person you want to be?
my ex boyfriend is now more outgoing and confident, my ex boyfriend is now more outgoing and confident, but at my expense?
you dated, you broke up, and now he's different. i don't see how it's at your expense. what did he take from you that was out of the norm of the give and take from any other relationship? are you saying you got nothing out of the relationship while it was going on? is he suppose to compensate you in someway because he seems better off after your relationship than before?
he verbally devalued me (basically, I was a horrible person)
he told you his opinion of you, which apparently, isn't very high. but, you he didn't devalue you, you still have the same value you always had.
--- that's kind of what i mean by reframing it. sorry if it seems too tough-love-y.
posted by cupcake1337 at 8:50 AM on September 30, 2012 [2 favorites]
Wow, harsh crowd in here! Breakups get messy. A few insults traded back and forth other the last week don't make him an irredeemable asshole, folks. That said, if the asker needs to think of him that way, well, whatever gets us through the day. But I will presume she wanted serious thoughts on this, not a cosmetic band-aid and a "there there little bear" pep talk.
So, that said...
I was his first serious girlfriend.
And there you have your answer. Think of him what you must, but put bluntly, our first "real" relationship changes us drastically. They show us what we want in a relationship, they teach us exactly the social confidence you describe, they open us to a whole new world of experiences.
Before you, he had no frame of reference for what he needed in a relationship. He didn't didn't know how to talk to women, didn't know the boundaries of how honestly he could converse with you, and quite bluntly, viewed most of your anatomy as a magical forbidden fruit.
So what do you take away from this? First, don't take it personally - Most likely, you just didn't make a good match, and he lacked the knowledge to realize that early, and the confidence to say so once he did realize it. I suppose if anything, you can sort of "take credit" for helping him become a real adult human (or at least a bit closer to one), rather than a scared little boy. And then... Just move on.
FWIW, grudges don't make your life any better. Hold it as long as you need to, but eventually, you need to let it go.
posted by pla at 9:03 AM on September 30, 2012 [4 favorites]
So, that said...
I was his first serious girlfriend.
And there you have your answer. Think of him what you must, but put bluntly, our first "real" relationship changes us drastically. They show us what we want in a relationship, they teach us exactly the social confidence you describe, they open us to a whole new world of experiences.
Before you, he had no frame of reference for what he needed in a relationship. He didn't didn't know how to talk to women, didn't know the boundaries of how honestly he could converse with you, and quite bluntly, viewed most of your anatomy as a magical forbidden fruit.
So what do you take away from this? First, don't take it personally - Most likely, you just didn't make a good match, and he lacked the knowledge to realize that early, and the confidence to say so once he did realize it. I suppose if anything, you can sort of "take credit" for helping him become a real adult human (or at least a bit closer to one), rather than a scared little boy. And then... Just move on.
FWIW, grudges don't make your life any better. Hold it as long as you need to, but eventually, you need to let it go.
posted by pla at 9:03 AM on September 30, 2012 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks all for your advice. I really appreciate it. I agree that it's time to let it go and I'm trying. I am in therapy, because I think his sudden abandonment really stirred up some issues inside me- trust, etc that I'm exploring. He is immature. I see that now. I think I fell for his potential and he led me to believe that he was everything that I wanted in a significant other. I think it's smart to wish him the best, but exclude him from my life from here on out. It's difficult because we have many mutual friends, but I'll try my best.
Thanks so much!!
posted by Butterflye1010 at 9:31 AM on September 30, 2012 [1 favorite]
Thanks so much!!
posted by Butterflye1010 at 9:31 AM on September 30, 2012 [1 favorite]
He drinks and parties all the time. He's expressed interest and flirted with my girlfriends in front of me. Ick. There may be all sorts of other stuff going on. It doesn't matter. The relationship is over, spend some time grieving privately, don't hang out with him or near him, value whatever good came out of the relationship, and move on. Say to yourself: Wow, I really helped him grow out of his shyness and/or low self-esteem; I must be pretty darn special.
posted by theora55 at 9:59 AM on September 30, 2012
posted by theora55 at 9:59 AM on September 30, 2012
What you describe about him appears to me to be many stems from the same root: initial intense shyness. Taking actions to please others rather than from a deeper integrity and trueness to his own self. Lashing out during the breakup. Now partying, and socializing in a hurtful way. To me, these indicate a deep insecurity on his part. None need reflect on you.
If anything, you can feel like you did a good thing by helping him shift one degree out of a crippling shyness -- his insecurity is painful, and now rather than stagnate in that painful shyness, he has a bit more confidence and can try different things. Maybe over time, these will make his life easier. Unfortunately, he's not yet to a place where he can act with kindness and gentleness to others, particularly you.
But you don't need to take his attacks on you as the truth. He is not the right person to help you understand yourself better. His comments did not come from an honest desire to gently help you. They were an outgrowth of his own hurt, not a mirror to show you to yourself.
I am in therapy, because I think his sudden abandonment really stirred up some issues inside me- trust, etc that I'm exploring.
Yes, good. You can't control him, and ultimately, it doesn't matter; he's going to go on and live his life, just as you will go on and live yours. The more important issue here is what's going on for you. Just as he's shifting from one phase of self-growth to another, so are you. I'm glad you're doing this work, which will ultimately ease your pain much more than will trying to figure him out.
posted by salvia at 11:34 AM on September 30, 2012 [1 favorite]
If anything, you can feel like you did a good thing by helping him shift one degree out of a crippling shyness -- his insecurity is painful, and now rather than stagnate in that painful shyness, he has a bit more confidence and can try different things. Maybe over time, these will make his life easier. Unfortunately, he's not yet to a place where he can act with kindness and gentleness to others, particularly you.
But you don't need to take his attacks on you as the truth. He is not the right person to help you understand yourself better. His comments did not come from an honest desire to gently help you. They were an outgrowth of his own hurt, not a mirror to show you to yourself.
I am in therapy, because I think his sudden abandonment really stirred up some issues inside me- trust, etc that I'm exploring.
Yes, good. You can't control him, and ultimately, it doesn't matter; he's going to go on and live his life, just as you will go on and live yours. The more important issue here is what's going on for you. Just as he's shifting from one phase of self-growth to another, so are you. I'm glad you're doing this work, which will ultimately ease your pain much more than will trying to figure him out.
posted by salvia at 11:34 AM on September 30, 2012 [1 favorite]
Somebody in AskMe once said that one of the reasons you shouldn't try to change someone in a relationship is because if in the unlikely event you succeed, the consequence is that the changed person wants to shed reminders of the person he used to be in the past, and one of those things associated with his past life is you, which he will promptly get rid of.
I mean, honestly, lots of breakups suck, and people go into big shifts in their 20s, where what the think they wanted and would make them happy aren't actually what they want and don't make them happy. In a world of poetic justice, you'd hope to see him socially broken and lonely, only realizing years later, when you married someone amazing, that you were The Best Thing He Ever Had™, and he would come to terms that breaking up with you was The Biggest Mistake of His Life™, leaving him Forever Alone. There appears to be an undercurrent of resentment that the story isn't going in that direction. The thing is that life doesn't fit in such neat and simple boxes, and you can't really know what's going on in his life: all you can do is address your own life and make it as successful as it can be. What I'm trying to say is that sometimes people aren't good for each other. This guy clearly wasn't good for you and you weren't compatible. Going forward, look for basic compatibility rather than concentrating on a few virtues in the hopes that they make up for what's actually a lacking relationship.
posted by deanc at 11:39 AM on September 30, 2012 [2 favorites]
I mean, honestly, lots of breakups suck, and people go into big shifts in their 20s, where what the think they wanted and would make them happy aren't actually what they want and don't make them happy. In a world of poetic justice, you'd hope to see him socially broken and lonely, only realizing years later, when you married someone amazing, that you were The Best Thing He Ever Had™, and he would come to terms that breaking up with you was The Biggest Mistake of His Life™, leaving him Forever Alone. There appears to be an undercurrent of resentment that the story isn't going in that direction. The thing is that life doesn't fit in such neat and simple boxes, and you can't really know what's going on in his life: all you can do is address your own life and make it as successful as it can be. What I'm trying to say is that sometimes people aren't good for each other. This guy clearly wasn't good for you and you weren't compatible. Going forward, look for basic compatibility rather than concentrating on a few virtues in the hopes that they make up for what's actually a lacking relationship.
posted by deanc at 11:39 AM on September 30, 2012 [2 favorites]
- he would tell me that I would never marry him
- that I had horrible taste because I dated him.
- He always complained about his looks as well although he's very attractive.
- I was his first serious girlfriend.
- He had secretly held all this resentment against me
- he always told me what I wanted to hear
- he verbally devalued me (basically, I was a horrible person)
- He drinks and parties all the time.
- He's expressed interest and flirted with my girlfriends in front of me
That interpretation also fits my own experience of such behavior and emotions.
posted by ead at 12:43 PM on September 30, 2012 [2 favorites]
He flirts with your friends in front of you??
He's a shit-stirring asshole. Avoid him and every single social situation he attends.
Don't EVER complain about him. Just make up a list of plausible excuses you can deploy when needed and quietly remove yourself if he shows up anywhere.
Now.
Normally I don't advise running, but this guy is getting his jollies off of making you uncomfortable, and I think you should deny him this ego boost by being busy doing other fun awesome thongs with people and places your paths will never cross.
You can't win this because he's a loser.
Change the playing field by changing up friends activities. Move on. Move on.
posted by jbenben at 6:42 PM on September 30, 2012 [1 favorite]
He's a shit-stirring asshole. Avoid him and every single social situation he attends.
Don't EVER complain about him. Just make up a list of plausible excuses you can deploy when needed and quietly remove yourself if he shows up anywhere.
Now.
Normally I don't advise running, but this guy is getting his jollies off of making you uncomfortable, and I think you should deny him this ego boost by being busy doing other fun awesome thongs with people and places your paths will never cross.
You can't win this because he's a loser.
Change the playing field by changing up friends activities. Move on. Move on.
posted by jbenben at 6:42 PM on September 30, 2012 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Oops.
"... doing other fun awesome things."
Don't do "thongs." Just say no:)
posted by jbenben at 6:45 PM on September 30, 2012 [1 favorite]
"... doing other fun awesome things."
Don't do "thongs." Just say no:)
posted by jbenben at 6:45 PM on September 30, 2012 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thanks again! There were so many red flags I ignored throughout the relationship. Due to his own insecurities (I think) he would frequently put others down, but never me. I would take note of it, but just ignore it. I think I was in denial because I wanted so badly for him to be the One. I'm going to be more aware of these red flags earlier on in the relationship now.
posted by Butterflye1010 at 4:42 AM on October 1, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by Butterflye1010 at 4:42 AM on October 1, 2012 [1 favorite]
"I think I was in denial because I wanted so badly for him to be the One."
This may come across as talking-down, or "I know better", but I really don't mean it to come across that way. Please take some time to think about the concept of "The One". I know, socially and culturally, that we're trained to believe in "The One". The belief is that once you find The One that everything will be ok, happily ever after will occur, etc.
However, even if you find someone you can spend the rest of your life with, who brings you joy and all of the things you've wanted in a partner - finding them and realizing these things is the beginning of the conversation, not the fade-to-black-roll-credits.
When my husband and I went through a particularly rough patch, I had a really hard time reconciling my ideal of what finding "The One" would mean, versus the human being who stood in front of me - a human who loved me, wanted the best for both of us, but who was very human, with his own needs and desires and so forth.
Anyways - thinking about what this means for you, and in relation to real human beings and not just the cultural mishmash we all absorb, might help with future relationships as well. I wish you the best - it sounds like you're hurting, but you're doing what you can to move forward, and I wish you luck and happiness.
posted by RogueTech at 11:29 AM on October 1, 2012 [1 favorite]
This may come across as talking-down, or "I know better", but I really don't mean it to come across that way. Please take some time to think about the concept of "The One". I know, socially and culturally, that we're trained to believe in "The One". The belief is that once you find The One that everything will be ok, happily ever after will occur, etc.
However, even if you find someone you can spend the rest of your life with, who brings you joy and all of the things you've wanted in a partner - finding them and realizing these things is the beginning of the conversation, not the fade-to-black-roll-credits.
When my husband and I went through a particularly rough patch, I had a really hard time reconciling my ideal of what finding "The One" would mean, versus the human being who stood in front of me - a human who loved me, wanted the best for both of us, but who was very human, with his own needs and desires and so forth.
Anyways - thinking about what this means for you, and in relation to real human beings and not just the cultural mishmash we all absorb, might help with future relationships as well. I wish you the best - it sounds like you're hurting, but you're doing what you can to move forward, and I wish you luck and happiness.
posted by RogueTech at 11:29 AM on October 1, 2012 [1 favorite]
'Thanks again! There were so many red flags I ignored throughout the relationship. Due to his own insecurities (I think) he would frequently put others down, but never me. I would take note of it, but just ignore it. I think I was in denial because I wanted so badly for him to be the One. I'm going to be more aware of these red flags earlier on in the relationship now.'
Yeah, witnessing him using other people to boost his own importance was a warning to you – that you would one day be on the receiving end of that nonsense. And then you were.
I'm sorry you are having a tough time coming to terms with his arseholery.
But I believe that you are well rid someone who was immature at best, cruel, emotionally unstable and spiteful, at worst.
And now you've learned that how someone treats others is a good indicator to how they'll treat you some day.
His need for reassurance, and his flirting with your mates, partying all the time and dumping you out of the blue make him sound about 15.
And although you're reeling and you are hurting, try and see him as the teenager he is emotionally. It will help you to not feel so affected by his behaviour. I'm pretty sure you can do better than him.
posted by MonkeySoprano at 4:46 AM on October 3, 2012 [1 favorite]
Yeah, witnessing him using other people to boost his own importance was a warning to you – that you would one day be on the receiving end of that nonsense. And then you were.
I'm sorry you are having a tough time coming to terms with his arseholery.
But I believe that you are well rid someone who was immature at best, cruel, emotionally unstable and spiteful, at worst.
And now you've learned that how someone treats others is a good indicator to how they'll treat you some day.
His need for reassurance, and his flirting with your mates, partying all the time and dumping you out of the blue make him sound about 15.
And although you're reeling and you are hurting, try and see him as the teenager he is emotionally. It will help you to not feel so affected by his behaviour. I'm pretty sure you can do better than him.
posted by MonkeySoprano at 4:46 AM on October 3, 2012 [1 favorite]
If he hits on your friends in front of you, he's still attached. Suggest detaching from him. Don't be out where he is. Find new places to go where he is not.
posted by Ironmouth at 10:54 PM on January 2, 2013
posted by Ironmouth at 10:54 PM on January 2, 2013
This thread is closed to new comments.
If it makes you feel better to think in your head "fuck, what an asshole dirtbag", then you have the internet's permission to think that. Another option is to just to wish him well and not give a shit after that (I think that's the better option, personally). Sorry if this sounds harsh, but people break up -- it happens to everyone. You need to stop thinking about him, and go let him live his life, and you go live your awesome life with a new awesome boyfriend.
posted by modernnomad at 6:46 AM on September 30, 2012 [8 favorites]