Need advice on second-chance relationship that is failing miserably.
September 26, 2012 6:58 AM Subscribe
I gave a guy a second chance, but found out later that he had been extremely shady with me the first time around (details inside). I don't know how to get over it. Should I leave the past in the past and focus on us growing together or should I chalk it up to bad judgement/being too trusting on my part and leave the relationship? The explanation is pretty long. Thanks for taking the time to read. I need advice.
posted by spooky car to human relations (35 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
I am currently dating someone for the second time around. The first time around, we dated for about a year. During that time, he was hot and cold. He would seem interested and then distant. We fought a lot. I eventually left the relationship because I couldn't take the ups and downs and I was feeling rejected. That year had been very traumatic for him - several friends of his had passed away, so I thought that was the reason for his actions. Even if it was, he just wasn't emotionally available to be my boyfriend. It was a painful time for both of us.
A year later we got in touch. He was sorry for everything he had put me through and wanted to give it another chance. He had realized that he had a lot of issues and had been trying to address them by going to therapy and working on himself. He seemed to have a real understanding of why I had felt so rejected by him before and he had a lot more insight into his own behavior. He seemed to have the desire to change - and he seemed like he had changed a lot. He said he realized he lost the love of his life after I left and it caused him to snap back to reality and take control of his life to make it better.
So I gave him another chance. 7 months into it, it was going really well. We just moved in together. A few weeks after moving in together, I discovered that when we had dated the first time around, I wasn't the only person he was with. I was under the impression that we were exclusive even though we had a lot of problems, but he was chasing other girls the whole time we were together, having sex with them, unbeknownst to me. He also had sex with prostitutes. He seemed very predatory about it.
This shows me a complete disregard to me and my health. It brought back all the memories I had of our time together in the past. The grief I felt when I asked him to do things and he said he was working late - or came up with another excuse. He was out with other women. I knew he had made me feel insecure then, but I had absolutely no idea he was capable of the things he did. Should I also add that he was in his late 30s when this happened?
He admitted everything after I confronted him. He was embarrassed and sorry. He said that he didn't want to tell me about all that because he wanted us to have a fresh start. I, on the other hand, feel that he should have been honest with me so I knew what I was getting into. I feel that he should have wanted to be honest with me now because he was trying to better himself.
After finding out about his past, I asked him if he had been tested for STDs. He said he had "awhile ago". I took that as meaning that he had since I found out about all the cheating he did. Turns out that he DIDN'T get tested after all his random sex. He was referring to a time way before that when he said he got tested "awhile ago". Why would he think I was asking if he has ever been tested in his life after I found out he was having sex with a bunch of women and prostitutes while he was having sex with me? Can someone really be this dense?
All in all, he didn't come clean to me when he asked for another chance. How do I know if he's telling me the truth about what he does now? If he had come clean to me, it still would have been a great shock, but I think it would have shown that he was in no way trying to repeat his past. The fact that he didn't tell me is disrespectful and shady. He was vague about STD testing.
The only reason I haven't walked away is that he has shown me in every other way that he wants to be with me and he has shown me that he's changed from how he had acted in the past. Am I a fool for even considering this?
Another part of me only wants to stay with him and make him feel terrible because he's made me feel terrible. I know that it's not healthy. But I'm so angry at him about all of this that I want to wake him up by punching him in the face every day.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.