Seeking that first-kiss feeling

September 25, 2012 3:20 PM

I'm happily married, but it's ridiculous how much I want a good first kiss. Help me get over it!

I've been married to a wonderful guy since I was 21 years old, and now I'm 35. He's funny and smart and attractive and incredibly good to me and I'm head over heels in love with him and we have awesome sex and I love our life together! Yeah! But since we were together so young, I never really got to do that whole making out with strangers in bars thing. And you know how first kisses are incredible? Well, almost even more than the kiss, that moment just before it when you know it's inevitable? I can't even tell you how much I've been craving that. We've tried some role play stuff, but it's just not doing the trick for me. It would hurt him for me to actually kiss someone else, so that's not really an option, so how do I get over it and stop feeling so down about an impossible fantasy?

posted by anonymous to human relations (44 answers total)

So many first kisses are so awful, though. Seriously. You aren't missing out. Seriously.
posted by vivid postcard at 3:24 PM on September 25, 2012 [42 favorites]

I think you're romanticizing the whole kissing-someone-at-a-bar thing a bit.

I don't know if this helps, but in my experience, it's kind of gross. I'm usually worrying about getting cold sores from this random stranger, worrying about how intense my beer goggles might be and how I'm probably going to wake up the next morning full of regret and with a cold sore.

It's not really all that incredible. It's only incredible if you really like this person and you've been building up to it and that doesn't really happen in a bar with a stranger.
posted by cyml at 3:25 PM on September 25, 2012 [3 favorites]

Seriously? There are plenty of first kisses that make people melt. But there's tons more awkward, regrettable groping. And stale whiskey breath. And regret. None of them are remotely worth all the good stuff you already have.
posted by mochapickle at 3:25 PM on September 25, 2012 [3 favorites]

Tell him what you told us except don't mention strangers in bars or anyone else -- just tell him you want to make out like it's the first time. (Maybe you've already done this, since you mentioned "role play." But it doesn't need to be explicit role play.)
posted by John Cohen at 3:26 PM on September 25, 2012 [1 favorite]

And you know how first kisses are incredible?

..no, not really.

In my experience, all but one first kiss has been awkward and kinda weird until we got used to each other. Plus, so many guys have just been terrible kissers, and it's been overall disappointing. Have you made out with anyone but your husband at all? If so, maybe you can try to remember some embarassing, awkward times when it wasn't that great and you bumped noses or foreheads and then the guy stuck his tongue in your mouth and you were all like "what the hell" but of course you felt weird saying something so you just went along with it, but really you were thinking about your laundry... and then be grateful that you're married to someone you like kissing.

Alternatively, maybe spending some time away from each other- like a week or more- will help you be less accustomed to him and give you that fluttery feeling.

Alternatively, you could try kissing differently, or in unusual (for you) circumstances. I'm not going to go into detail, I'm sure you have the internet/an imagination.
posted by windykites at 3:27 PM on September 25, 2012 [10 favorites]

My husband had to be taught how to kiss. Really. He just didn't have a lot of experience with either women or kissing.

One trick would be to dive in and pull back. Repeat. Do not kiss (with his agreement, of course). Go as long as you both can stand it without kissing.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 3:28 PM on September 25, 2012 [2 favorites]

I find that the first kiss after seeing my husband after time apart is totally that first kiss feeling, but better.
posted by wwax at 3:31 PM on September 25, 2012 [25 favorites]

I didn't really mean to be dismissive above, though I do think "regrettable groping" is probably the most apt thing that is going to be said in this thread, but...I would say that you might be on the right ball with the role playing thing. What you are looking for is tension, yes? Maybe a straight up, stranger-style roleplay isn't introducing the tension you're looking for, but what else might? Tantra? Teasing and flirting? Spending a whole night getting close, but holding off on any physical contact until you can't stand it anymore? I think you can work this fantasy well into your relationship; maybe it just requires a little creativity and experimentation on your part.
posted by vivid postcard at 3:32 PM on September 25, 2012 [8 favorites]

You are lucky enough to have married at 21 and still be enamored with your husband 14 years later. What you are fantasizing about is nothing compared to what you have.

Others have touched on it, but what makes the first kiss the electric experience that you are dreaming about is the person you are kissing. I have kissed people that I've met in bar and clubs; sometimes it was nice and sometimes not-so-nice, but it was never "incredible". The few times it was ever incredible was when it had built up over the course of weeks (high school girlfriend) or at least at the end of a great date.

I will have been married 11 years next month and every time I see a thread on this or other websites about dating woes or talk with a single friend about their latest "conquests", I am so grateful that part of my life is over. You had a first kiss with your husband, yes? Then you already have what you want. You have the brass ring. Enjoy that all-too-rare thing rather than chasing a fleeting sensation.
posted by Tanizaki at 3:36 PM on September 25, 2012 [6 favorites]

Yeah, a lot of first kisses are crap.

Be happy with what you've got - you don't know how good you have it.
posted by heyjude at 3:39 PM on September 25, 2012 [1 favorite]

what was your first kiss like with your husband? if it was amazing, maybe try to bring back that memory and relive that sometimes when you kiss your husband now.

because you really are idealizing first kisses. to be honest, out of the many first kisses i have had, including a few with the ppl i eventually fell in love, i only remember one first kiss in that visceral, longing, awed way that you describe. he was my boyfriend in college (tho he had already graduated) for several months and he was a terrible boyfriend but a great person with whom i still chat about once a month. the first time he kissed me, it was so electric, i felt it all the way down to the tips of my toes. i still feel it when i think of that kiss.

but seriously? i would trade that memory in a heartbeat to have what you have with your husband. because when i am with someone i love—or even just like a lot—every kiss may not be that kiss, but every kiss is still great.
posted by violetk at 3:42 PM on September 25, 2012 [1 favorite]

Oh god I hate first kisses. If I could skip straight to the third kiss I totally would.
posted by restless_nomad at 3:43 PM on September 25, 2012 [1 favorite]

Send him on a trip, just so you can welcome him home; separate vacations are awesome and very healthy for a marriage. It'll give you guys time to grow a little outside the other's presence, so it all feels very "new" when you later discuss what you did while you were apart. And it'll feel very much like a first kiss when you see him after a week or so, but far sexier because you know that what you're gettin' after that is actually your cup of tea. No awkwardness. Win.
posted by heyho at 3:47 PM on September 25, 2012 [1 favorite]

Honestly, I think people might be missing the point you're making: I don't think it's the kiss itself, but the excitement and the sense of possibilities, the romance, the electric sizzle. What you have does indeed sound amazing, but I do think the uncertainty and nervousness/excitement that comes with a first kiss can be lacking in a relationship where you know and love one another very well.

Unfortunately, I don't really know how to get that while keeping what you have. Maybe part of what you're looking for is adventure (could you find something really exciting and intimidating to get involved with?) and part of it is feeling desired in a new and different way (maybe performance, pole dance fitness, bellydance, or similar will make you feel sexually appreciated in a new way?).
posted by c'mon sea legs at 3:48 PM on September 25, 2012 [19 favorites]

Most of my first kisses were pretty damned awesome even if the kiss was not great from a technical standpoint. I think it's a little disingenuous to say that no, you're not actually missing out on anything. That first rush of feeling is extremely powerful.

I was in a long term relationship that I was sure was permanent and I had the same nagging feeling of sadness that I wouldn't get the first time thing again, even at the same time that I was committed to my partner. But then the relationship ended.

It's a trade. You can only have first kisses or good, long relationships, not both. When you are deprived of the opportunity to have first kisses you feel a nostalgia and a sadness. If your relationship went away your life would be all fucked up immediately and likely for a year or more afterward.

What you have is a lot harder to find than a first kiss and can really improve your quality of life. First kisses are just like getting high. It's brilliant in the moment and then the reality sinks in and you're just mooshing your mouth up against someone else's mouth for a few minutes.
posted by TheRedArmy at 3:52 PM on September 25, 2012 [15 favorites]

Can you role play in a bar. Pretend you just met, different names, clothes, personalities, etc. Might not be quite the same, but it could be enough to scratch your itch.
posted by Vaike at 3:57 PM on September 25, 2012 [2 favorites]

We've tried some role play stuff, but it's just not doing the trick for me.

This might be something you've already tried, or it might be way too out there for you, but I wonder how much you've 'committed' to trying to role-play this. Have you tried dressing differently, going to a bar, pretending to be other people, and just talking for HOURS and not allowing yourselves to kiss even though you really, really want to? Worth a shot anyway.
posted by showbiz_liz at 3:58 PM on September 25, 2012 [4 favorites]

So first of all, as someone who has been married for a while, I totally get what you mean about missing the "right before the first kiss" moment. First kisses themselves tend to not be all that great, but the tension and lead-up to a first kiss kicks ass.

But that said, I completely agree with this:

I find that the first kiss after seeing my husband after time apart is totally that first kiss feeling, but better.

Do you have any way to spend some time apart? A few weeks at least, longer if possible? Because every time we are apart for any length of time, I get that same "oh my god, here we go!" feeling in the pit of my stomach when we snuggle up for the first time. It's all of the rush, with none of the dread of "uh oh, what if she turns out to be a scary psycho?" worries of a real first time.

Speaking of role play (which also totally does not work for me), something I've never done but am now thinking might be fun would be to, after spending time apart, meet up not at home but rather at a hotel in order to magnify the "this is new, not just the same old same old" feeling. Hmmm...
posted by Forktine at 4:07 PM on September 25, 2012 [3 favorites]

Time apart.
posted by French Fry at 4:10 PM on September 25, 2012 [1 favorite]

I met my husband when I was 20, and I'm now 37, and I know exactly what you mean.

For me, the tension you speak of is the tension of un-acted-upon attraction. Have you tried putting yourselves on sex restriction for a while? No sexytimes, no makeouts, no nothing. Try it for a couple of days, and if that doesn't do it, go for a week. Live your life as normal otherwise. Then, like Forktine says, go on a date that is going to end up at a hotel. . . and see if that does it for you.
posted by KathrynT at 4:23 PM on September 25, 2012 [7 favorites]

Yeah, Picking-Up-At-The-Airport kisses are totally as good as First Kisses. Wear something a little dirty (a trenchcoat with nothing underneath is the traditional option) and then go get a room at the Airport Hotel, if you can.
posted by Rock Steady at 4:27 PM on September 25, 2012

Anticipation.

Usually you can see a first kiss coming a mile away, and it's that mile of conversation, relating to one another, building up to the kiss that provides the thrill. Everyone saying 'time apart' will work similarly is pretty much right, but what they're really saying is that you know the two of you will be together soon and that time between being apart and being pressed together can help stimulate your imagination and help you anticipate the reunion.

You spend the hours before a first kiss staring at the person, right? Imagining how they're going to kiss you, how their cheek will feel pressed against yours, what they'll say when you come up for air, all of those little tiny things that sadly get taken for granted in the inevitable evenualities of a relationship. The time apart will help you imagine these things, but you don't really have to spend a lot of time apart to get your imagination going about a kiss.

Did he shave today? Spend a few minutes trying to imagine how his stubble will feel this evening. How will it feel when you put your hands on his shoulder? What will you see in his eyes when you finish your next first kiss? Where will it go from there? All of these little details occur naturally to someone who is anticipating a first kiss, and the wonderment that's built up results in that goosey feeling you get in your belly just before it happens. You don't have to be apart to let that wonderment build. You don't have to be separated to be curious about what it will feel like every time you kiss.

Just because you know how it happened last time doesn't mean you can't wonder what will be different this time. Ponder the small things in anticipation of a kiss, and see if that helps you build that wonderful feeling.
posted by carsonb at 4:37 PM on September 25, 2012 [9 favorites]

I got this feeling back, recently, when my husband of 13 years motioned me out of our kid's school's PTA meeting, pulled me into the hallway (I am thinking, 'shit, our house has burned down') then backed me into the alcove of a doorway and had at it (the kissing). Total belly bungee with extra toe curling.

I think it was inappropriate setting+hint of danger+dude I think is good looking. That combo can be arranged without bar strangers.

(the principal did not catch us, but HE COULD HAVE).
posted by rumposinc at 4:39 PM on September 25, 2012 [40 favorites]

Truly, only one way to get this out of your system....

Do the role playing, in a bar, without your husband ever knowing. I'm sure you can control yourself.

- no bar near your house /work
- must be a complete stranger
- you must know the depths of your ability to be OK with this afterwards

Kissing a stranger does not have to be marital infidelity. I'm only suggesting this because uncontrolled , you could end up exploding and doing much worse in pursuit to "scratch this itch.'
posted by Kruger5 at 4:47 PM on September 25, 2012

Lets see. You dont have a first kiss but the trade off is that you have a great life with a great man whom you love and who loves you.

Many would trade that so called first kiss with you in a heartbeat! Enjoy what you have and stop romanticizing about things that do not exist.
posted by pakora1 at 4:49 PM on September 25, 2012

so how do I get over it and stop feeling so down about an impossible fantasy?

Acknowledge each time it comes up. Eventually it goes away.

A lot of first kisses suck.
posted by Ironmouth at 4:53 PM on September 25, 2012

If you are open to drug experimentation, a 'friend' has experienced that MDMA gives normal sensations a completely new awesome, crazy-enhanced feeling, and that, say, kissing your spouse for example, feels like you are kissing them for the first time. This obviously isn't ideal, but could be less damaging to your relationship than finding a stranger, if you need to get the fantasy out of your system.
posted by Fig at 5:04 PM on September 25, 2012 [3 favorites]

Get a job that requires travel. When I'm out of town for 5 days, Friday evening has a soupcon of that first kiss feeling.
posted by chazlarson at 5:10 PM on September 25, 2012

Set a 2 week period where you can do anything sexual except kissing. See how it goes on the fifteenth day.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 5:15 PM on September 25, 2012

I was gonna suggest what Kruger5 suggested, except I say, um, do it WITH your spouse.

Put on a sexy outfit, makeup, etc and go out to a bar and sit there for a while with a drink. Arrange for your husband to meet you there later and the two of you pretend like you're meeting that night and he's picking you up. Maybe he can use a cheesy line, maybe you can get a hotel room. Go crazy. Just because you have that totally boring lifelong love and commitment thing doesn't mean you can't ALSO have fun.
posted by Asparagus at 6:21 PM on September 25, 2012

Take a trip? I find that getting back to the hotel after a day out sightseeing somewhere new has a lot of that first date / first kiss mojo. It's not exactly the same, but close.
posted by COD at 6:22 PM on September 25, 2012

Kissing a stranger does not have to be marital infidelity

Without mutual agreement with your partner, it is in fact the definition of marital infidelity.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 6:35 PM on September 25, 2012 [10 favorites]

Inspired by Kruger5:

Have you done said role playing at a bar with your actual husband? Have you gone to a bar - seperately - and pretended in front of strangers that you don't know each other? And then....do whatever that fantasy is?

The movie "Paternity" with Burt Reynolds has a scene similar to this. He has hired someone to have his baby but I guess can't get enthused about sex with her. So she asks what his fantasy is, which boils down to being picked up at a bar. That totally works for him.

So maybe it doesn't have to be a first kiss. Maybe it is the audience or setting or something?
posted by Michele in California at 6:42 PM on September 25, 2012

Kiss embargo. Make a rule that you must go for some specific amount of time without kissing or sex. Keep flirting, keep complimenting each other, keep touching, but NOT taking it further.
posted by MsMolly at 7:09 PM on September 25, 2012

Maybe you could do some things to feel more young and free in general? It sounds to me like you're maybe not missing this one particular first kiss thing itself so much as the general concept of a debaucherous 20s that you feel you missed out on by being married. (If it makes you feel any better, I promise you had more sex in your 20s than I am having as a single person.)
posted by threeants at 7:59 PM on September 25, 2012

For me, there's two components here.

One is pleasant (-but-not-sexual) physical contact. There are substitutes here. Take up folk dancing. Take a massage class. Do some martial arts. I dunno. When there's only one person in the world who you're allowed to touch, it's so easy to get a little starved and crazy. I really do recommend folk dancing highly here; if you get into it, you will discover that there are other dancers in the world whose style of dancing fits just right with yours, and dancing with someone like that for the first time is seriously the closest feeling I know to kissing someone awesome for the first time: exciting and mutually satisfying and "hey where you been all my life"-ish without actually being about sex in a way that interferes with monogamy.

And then the other component is... the sense of new possibilities opening up with a person, is I guess the best way to put it. Because yeah, when you kiss someone for the first time, the kiss itself is often not all that special, but what makes it exciting is being all "Oh man this is the beginning of a whole new chapter for us!" It's not often, as adults, that we get to take a buddy or acquaintance or stranger and say "Hey! Let's spend lots more time together and be way more open with each other!" Sex is basically the one nearly-guaranteed mostly-foolproof-ish culturally-condoned way of doing that. But one close runner-up is having hobbies or interests you care about, and meeting other people who care passionately about the same shit. If you've devoted your life to refurbishing feeblewangers, and you discover that another feeblewanger-refurbisher has moved to town, there's a bit of that thrilling OH MAN WE ARE GONNA GO BACK TO YOUR PLACE AND DO AWESOME THINGS TOGETHER vibe, only the awesome things involve refurbishing feeblewangers and wearing pants and not committing marital infidelity.
posted by nebulawindphone at 8:02 PM on September 25, 2012 [6 favorites]

Sooo many bad first kisses out there. Really. My husband was an awkward kisser at first, and I have a shnozz so there was angle-adjusting to do, and..well, the first kiss wasn't the best. The second one on was pretty freaking hot though. :)

But we've been together as long as you, and on a day to day basis I don't get that fizzy feeling, which is good, because who could live that way all the time? I'd never sleep or leave him alone.

Nthing what everyone says here about separation/change of scenery. Vacation lovin' is the best lovin', for some reason. I prefer it to return-from-a-trip lovin' because the returnee always tends to be tired/jetlagged/a bit. So, go to a nice B&B two or more hours away, spend a weekend with no responsibilities. Sleep in, eat good food, go out a bit, relax.

Ok, so I am wondering if what you're missing isn't really makeouts but a youth you fear was lost/squandered. You settled down too soon, didn't play the field, etc. etc. I can't tell you what to do about that, maybe talk to someone not your husband and see if you really have regrets or just think you should, or are feeling stifled in some way or missing out on something. Maybe your friends all have nostalgic stories of That One Time with That Guy, and you feel left out.

But people really romanticize their youth, and when That One Time happened, it was probably weird and confusing and in the end frustrating, or he turned out to be a douche, or never called, or he made her feel weird, whatever. Stuff that makes good stories now was almost always painful when it happened.

You can't go back in time and make yourself a player, but that doesn't mean there's no possibility of adventure in your life, romantic or otherwise, going forward.
posted by emjaybee at 8:55 PM on September 25, 2012

People in this thread are weird. First kisses are awesome, that moment right before is awesome, the feeling you get in your stomach is awesome. Making out on a dance floor with a virtual stranger is awesome. Every once in a blue moon you get a not-great one, but mostly they're great. I don't know why so many people seem to think that convincing you you're wrong about first kisses is the way to go.

I'm not married, and i don't know you, but: How about going to a swingers club? Or even just a normal club. But you don't need to swing. Just take in the sexually charged flirtatious atmosphere. And make out with your husband on a dance floor. It sounds like you're looking for that feeling of sexual adventurousness, and the excitement that comes from doing something sort of intimate with someone you don't have true intimacy with. So maybe getting that through your environment, rather than the person, is the answer.
posted by Kololo at 9:26 PM on September 25, 2012 [4 favorites]

A lot of people are going to tell you that you aren't missing anything. Both here and anywhere else you ask the question. I happen to disagree with those people, but more to the point, I also know that hearing people tell you that you aren't missing anything does absolutely nothing to make you stop feeling like you are missing something. But to actually solve this you are going to need to make a decision. You either need to decide to be happy with the life you have - which means every single time the thought comes up, remind yourself how much you love your husband, and how happy you are to have been lucky enough to meet him when you were quite young, or you need to decide that this is really important to you - which means talking to your husband and figuring out how to satisfy this need, whether by more involved role play or exploring swinging culture, or looking into polyamory, or some other option you and he think up.

What I suggest you do not do is continue on in this half-way state of wishing and imagining and fantasizing but not really doing anything, because it will make you more and more miserable.
posted by Nothing at 3:59 AM on September 26, 2012 [3 favorites]

Good lord, I'm about to quote Heinlein.

"What's so special about the way that lad kisses?"

Anne looked dreamy, then dimpled. "You should have tried it."

"I'm too old to change. But I'm interested in everything about the boy. Is this something different?"

Anne pondered it. "Yes."

"How?"

"Mike gives a kiss his whole attention," she answered.

"Oh, rats! I do myself. Or I did," Jubal replied.

Anne shook her head. "No, I've been kissed by men who did a very good job. But they don't give kissing their whole attention. They can't. No matter how hard they try, parts of their minds are on something else -missing the last bus - or their chances of making the gal - or their own techniques in kissing - or maybe worry about jobs, or money, or will husband or papa or the neighbors catch on.

"Mike doesn't have technique. . . but when Mike kisses you he isn't doing anything else. You're his whole universe. . . and the moment is eternal because he doesn't have any plans and isn't going anywhere. Just kissing you." She shivered. "It's overwhelming."

That's what makes that idealized "first kiss" so amazing -- both of you are hyperfocussed and in the moment, not thinking about anything else; every sense on fire.

Try it for yourself. Don't peck, smooch, nuzzle or nibble. Stop thinking about what you did before. Stop thinking about what comes next. Smile gently. Look at him directly. Hold him close. Touch him full body length. And just kiss. Smell him, feel his skin texture, hear his breathing, feel the muscles in his back move, taste his lips, his breath, and be in the moment.

Kiss like that, and every kiss can be a first kiss.

Complication: needing to get to work on time.
posted by seanmpuckett at 5:44 AM on September 26, 2012 [3 favorites]

Oh man, totally hear you.

I agree this is on the surface about recreating sexual tension, and there's lots of good advice about that upthread already (different settings, tabling sex in favor of anticipation or just making out/heavy petting for a while, roleplay-you-don't-necessarily-call-roleplay, trying new stuff out in bed, watching porn together, whatever). Also, this is maybe a controversial approach but I'd argue (NB: heavily depending on the dynamic you've got with your partner and if they're cool with it!!) forcing yourself to be concretely reminded of your sexuality even independent of each other can help too IF the excitement and spring in your step that brings is then directly channeled to hot sexytimes with your partner. That is, get dolled up or do whatever little things make you feel slutty in a good way, go out (not to a bar necessarily, even just to go do an errand where it wouldn't be too inappropriate to be dressed hot) and note any positive attention paid your way, then go home feeling like a sex goddess and maul your partner. At least for me, part of the excitement at the beginning is not only because of the unconsummated tension and anticipation, it's because never in life is there a time when it's more clear someone WANTS you, baaaad, and that makes you feel awesome and alive and sexy and validated and invigorated and ooooh. So it can be about getting some of that validation back, too--but then channeling the excitement that brings back to him/her, not strangers.

So, there's those immediately sex-oriented hacks. On the other hand, there's something possibly underneath that tension too, which is alluded to in stuff like heyho's advice, the need to "re-see" each other, be reminded you are in fact separate entities and thus there's still new things to discover and appreciate about each other, sexual or no, which can ramp up attraction all-around. For that I'd say do something that throws you in a different light for your partner, and look for those things you haven't noticed yet, undiscovered attributes of them as well. This can be as deep as traveling somewhere alien to you both, taking up a new hobby like drawing or carpentry or learning a different language or taking up an instrument or learning to dance together, or as cosmetic as changing your hair color or style dramatically or going for a different look re: clothing, whatever. Just, concrete reminders you haven't learned everything there is to know yet about your partner. That often helps me when I feel like I'm sliding into not "seeing" him anymore in the same butterfly-y light, that blah taking each other for granted thing you have to work to escape (luckily it's fun, life-affirming work).
posted by ifjuly at 6:12 AM on September 26, 2012 [2 favorites]

After our first kiss (it was the middle of winter and very dry) my future husband pulled back and said, "You need lip balm." I applied some, and we tried again. Much better, but I don't remember it. I only remember that first one because it was funny.

Over the next twenty-some years, however, we have had plenty of magnificent kisses. My favorites (and, I think, his) are the ones shared just before he lets me out of the car in front of my workplace in the morning. The memory of that kiss stays with me for hours. First kisses are so overrated.

I can't stand Heinlein, but I think seanpuckett has it absolutely right.
posted by tully_monster at 7:38 AM on September 26, 2012

Time apart.
posted by French Fry at 7:10 PM on September 25 [1 favorite −] Favorite added! [!]

Times a jillion.
posted by endless_forms at 8:43 AM on September 26, 2012

Try to find something else to give you a rush with your husband, like sex outside.
posted by WeekendJen at 12:18 PM on September 26, 2012